by Dan Gutman
Dr. Floss looked in my mouth.
“Ahhh . . .” I said.
“Hmmmmm,” said Dr. Floss.
Hmmmmm? What does hmmmmm mean? I didn’t like the sound of hmmmmm. Hmmmmm is a terrible word.
“What is it?” I asked as Dr. Floss looked inside my mouth.
“Hmmmmm,” said Dr. Floss again.
Ryan was looking at me. Michael was looking at me. Andrea was looking at me. Everybody was looking at me. Nobody was saying anything. It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. That is, if anybody had pins with them. But why would you bring pins to school? That would be weird.
“A.J.,” Dr. Floss finally said, “can you ask your mom or dad to bring you to my office after school today?” She handed me a business card.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I shouted. “I don’t want to die!”
“Don’t be silly,” said Dr. Floss. “I just want to examine your teeth a little more carefully.”
“Well . . . okay,” I agreed reluctantly. “Can I have a lollipop?”
“I think you’ve had too many lollipops already, A.J.,” said Dr. Floss.
It wasn’t fair! I was going to die, and I didn’t even get a lollipop. This was the worst day of my life.
When my mom picked me up after school, I gave her the business card and told her what Dr. Floss said.
“This could be an emergency,” my mom said as she hit the gas. “Let’s go to her office right now!”
This was the worst thing to happen since TV Turnoff Week! I wanted to go to Antarctica and live with the penguins. I’ll bet a million hundred dollars that penguins never have to go to the dentist.
But I’m no dummy. I reached into the back seat of the car and put on my football helmet.
“A.J., why are you wearing your football helmet?” Mom asked me. “The dentist won’t be able to get into your mouth with that face guard in the way.”
“Exactly,” I said.
It didn’t take long to drive to Dr. Floss’s office. Mom made me leave my football helmet in the car. That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.
When we walked into the waiting room, there was a bowl of candy on the table. And a bunch of cool toys. And a video game system hooked up to a big-screen TV!
It was paradise.
“This place is cool,” I told my mom. “Can I live here?”
Mom said I could play a video game while she talked with the receptionist. I told her to take all the time she needed. I was just about to press the START button when—
“Dr. Floss will see you now, A.J.,” said the receptionist.
Bummer in the summer!
“I’ll be right here waiting for you,” my mother told me.
“Come in with me, Mom,” I said. “I’m scared.”
“You’re a big boy,” she replied. “I’ll be right here when you’re done.”
The receptionist walked me down a long hallway. I felt like one of those prisoners being taken to jail. Finally we got to a little room. Dr. Floss was in there.
“Hi A.J.!” she said cheerfully. “It’s nice to see you again.”
I looked around the room. It was scary. There was a dentist chair with a big light hanging over it, and all kinds of dentist tools. Then I looked on the windowsill. There were a bunch of pliers lined up there.
“AHHHHHHHH!” I shouted. “Is that what you use to pull out people’s teeth?”
“Oh no, that’s my collection of antique pliers,” Dr. Floss said. “Remember this morning I told you that I collect old tools?”
Oh yeah. I looked around the office some more. In the corner, leaning against the wall, was a giant jackhammer.
“AHHHHHHHH!” I shouted. I thought I was gonna die. “Is that what you use to drill people’s teeth?”
“Of course not!” said Dr. Floss. “Remember this morning I told you I like doing roadwork?”
“I thought that meant you like to go jogging.”
“No, silly,” she told me. “In my spare time, I work on the roads.”
That’s weird. Well, at least she wasn’t going to stick that thing in my mouth.
“Take a look at this, A.J.,” she said, holding up a set of teeth and gums. Then suddenly the teeth started chattering.
“Cool,” I said. “What do you call that?”
“My last patient,” replied Dr. Floss.
“AHHHHHHHH!” I shouted.
“Just kidding!” said Dr. Floss. “You’re so jumpy, A.J.”
“I don’t like going to the dentist,” I admitted.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” she told me. “Here, sit in the chair. It’s really comfortable.”
I sat in the big chair, and it was comfortable. That’s when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Dr. Floss pulled a seat belt across my waist and clicked it shut.
“AHHHHHHHH!” I shouted. “What are you doing?”
“You should always wear your seat belt,” she told me.
“That’s in a car!” I shouted. “Mom! Help! Get me out of here!”
“Just relax, A.J.,” Dr. Floss told me.
It was probably a soundproof room. That way, the parents in the waiting room can’t hear Dr. Floss torturing kids.
She pushed a secret button to lean the chair back. I was looking at the ceiling now. And you’ll never guess in a million hundred years what Dr. Floss had up on the ceiling.
It was a TV screen! Cool! There was some cartoon playing on the TV.
Dr. Floss put on a pair of rubber gloves.
“AHHHHHHHH!” I shouted. “Not the gloves!”
In the movies, bad guys always put on gloves before they steal something or murder somebody. That way, they don’t leave fingerprints behind.
“Shhhh,” she said, sticking the big light in my face. “You just watch the cartoon while I look inside your mouth, A.J. Open wide.”
“No,” I said.
“A.J., I can’t work on your teeth if you don’t open your mouth.”
“I know,” I told her. “That’s why I’m not opening it.”
“Don’t be a baby, A.J. You probably just have one tiny cavity. Open up.”
“No!”
If I didn’t open my mouth, Dr. Floss couldn’t look inside it. And if she couldn’t look inside it, she couldn’t examine me. And if she couldn’t examine me, she wouldn’t know for sure if I had a cavity. And if she didn’t know for sure if I had a cavity, she couldn’t drill my teeth. So I wasn’t going to open my mouth.
“Here,” she said, handing me a rubber ball. “Squeeze this stress ball. It will help you relax.”
I squeezed the stress ball but felt just as much stress as I did before. I kept my mouth shut and crossed my arms in front of my chest. When you cross your arms in front of your chest, it means you’re not going to do what somebody wants you to do. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
“Well,” said Dr. Floss with a sigh, “I guess I’m just going to have to pull out all your teeth, just to be on the safe side.”
“WHAT?!”
While I was saying “WHAT,” Dr. Floss grabbed my upper and lower teeth and pulled them apart.
“Dr. Floss is the boss!” she said, peering into my mouth. “Say ah.”
“Ahhhhhhhhh,” I said.
Dr. Floss whistled while she looked around inside my mouth.
“What kind of car are you going to buy?” I asked.
“Oh, it depends,” she replied. “If you have a lot of cavities, I’ll buy a limousine. But if you only have one tiny cavity, I’ll probably get a little . . . hmmmmm.”
Hmmmmm? Not hmmmmm again! That can’t be good.
“What do you see?” I asked.
“Not enough,” replied Dr. Floss. “I’m going to shoot an X-ray to help me see better.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a picture of your tooth,” she told me. “I call them tooth pics. Get it? Tooth pics? Toothpicks? That’s a little dental joke.”
&
nbsp; I didn’t laugh. Her jokes were terrible.
Dr. Floss took something out of a drawer.
“Here,” she said, “bite down on this cookie.”
Cookies?! I love cookies! I opened my mouth and bit down.
It wasn’t a cookie! It was some yucky plastic thing! I thought I was gonna throw up.
“Just keep biting down,” Dr. Floss told me. “Sit still. I’ll be in the next room for a moment.”
“Are X-rays dangerous?” I mumbled, keeping that thing in my teeth.
“There’s nothing to worry about,” she said as she left the room. “X-rays are harmless.”
“Then why are you hiding in the next room?” I mumbled.
Dr. Floss didn’t answer. There was a little beep, and she came back and took the plastic thing out of my mouth. Then she put it in a machine for a few minutes. The machine must have developed the X-ray, because she put it up on a box with a light in it and I could see a picture of my teeth. Dr. Floss looked at it for like a million hundred seconds.
“A.J.,” she finally said. “I have some good news and some bad news.”
Uh-oh. Any time a grown-up tells you they have good news and bad news, the news is always bad. That’s the first rule of being a grown-up.
“What’s the good news?” I asked.
“I’m not going to tell you.”
“WHAT?!”
“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you,” Dr. Floss said. “But you have to read the next chapter. So nah nah nah boo boo on you.”*
“Okay,” I said after we started the new chapter, “what’s the good news?”
“The good news,” Dr. Floss replied, “is that an elephant is not going to charge in here and sit on you.”
What?! That’s good news? It never even occurred to me that an elephant would sit on me.
“What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“As I suspected,” said Dr. Floss, “one of your teeth has a tiny cavity in it.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I shrieked. “Not that! My life is over!”
“One little cavity isn’t a big deal, A.J.,” she told me. “I can fix that in a jiffy.”
“You’re going to put my tooth in peanut butter?” I asked.
“No, silly,” she told me. “I’ll clean out the cavity and put a filling in the tooth to fill the hole.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” I shouted. That sounded horrible. I tried to make a run for it, but the seat belt held me back.
“Lots of kids are afraid of the dentist,” Dr. Floss told me, pulling something out of her drawer. “But I know just the thing that will help you, A.J. Let me just put this mask on.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!” I shouted. “Murderers always wear masks!”
“You wear the mask,” she said putting this clear plastic thing over my nose. “This will relax you.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“I’m going to give you some nitrous oxide,” Dr. Floss replied.
That sounded scary.
“Don’t be frightened,” Dr. Floss said. “It’s called laughing gas.”
Laughing gas, eh? Well, I’m not going to laugh.
No way.
Nobody tells me when to laugh.
I felt a little weird.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”*
“Okay,” said Dr. Floss, sticking this curvy metal thing into my mouth. “It’s time for Mr. Thirsty, the sucking question mark.”
“Not Mr. Thirsty!” I shouted. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“You’re doing fine, A.J.,” said Dr. Floss. “Now I just need to drill into that cavity a little.”
“Not the drill!” I shouted. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-help!”
Dr. Floss stuck something in my mouth that buzzed and vibrated my whole head. It felt weird, but it didn’t hurt. Actually it was kind of fun.
“Now I’m going to put the filling in,” Dr. Floss told me.
“Can I have chocolate filling?” I asked. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
“We’re just about done, A.J.,” she said.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” I said. “Take your time.”
A few seconds later, she took the mask off my face.
“You did great, A.J.!” said Dr. Floss. “Now take a swig from this cup of green water and spit it into the little sink.”
“Green water?” I asked. “Gross! How did it get green?”
“You ask too many questions,” said Dr. Floss. “Don’t drink it. Just swish and spit!”
I swished and spit.
“Can you put that mask back on me again?” I asked.
“No, we’re all done, A.J.,” Dr. Floss told me. “That tooth is as good as new. Now remember, keep eating lots of candy, cakes, and chocolate, and drinking sugary soft drinks, because I want to see you back here again real soon.”
I went out to the waiting room. My mother was there, playing video games. Not fair!
“How did my little boy do?” she asked.
“He was very brave,” Dr. Floss told her.
My mom gave the receptionist her credit card. As we were about to walk out the door, Dr. Floss came running over.
“Oh, A.J., I forgot something,” she said.
Oh no. What was she going to do to me now?
“Have a lollipop,” said Dr. Floss.
Well, that’s pretty much what happened. Maybe Dr. Floss will get a new car. Maybe we’ll figure out how to bring headlights to school. Maybe Captain Plaque and Fluoride will fight again. Maybe Mr. Klutz will stop wearing a tutu and a blond wig. Maybe I’ll start a collection of teeny tiny toothpaste tubes. Maybe Ryan will knock out all his teeth and get rich. Maybe Dr. Floss will stop making bad dentist jokes. Maybe we’ll finally get through page twenty-three in our math books.
But it won’t be easy!
About the Author and Illustrator
Courtesy of Dan Gutman and Jim Paillot
DAN GUTMAN has written many weird books for kids. He lives with his weird wife in New York (a very weird place). You can visit him on his weird website at www.dangutman.com.
JIM PAILLOT lives in Arizona (another weird place) with his weird wife and two weird children. Isn’t that weird? You can visit him on his weird website at www.jimpaillot.com.
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Copyright
MY WEIRDER-EST SCHOOL #3: DR. FLOSS IS THE BOSS! Text copyright © 2019 by Dan Gutman. Illustrations copyright © 2019 by Jim Paillot. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
www.harpercollinschildrens.com
Cover art © 2019 by Jim Paillot
* * *
Digital Edition OCTOBER 2019 ISBN: 978-0-06-269109-5
Print ISBN: 978-0-06-269107-1 (pbk. bdg.)—ISBN 978-0-06-269108-8 (library bdg.)
* * *
1920212223PC/BRR10987654321
FIRST EDITION
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* Ha-ha! Made you look down!
* Look ’em up if you don’t believe me.
* Gross! I’m just glad she’s not looking out for number two.
* Kids, don’t try this at home. We’re professionals.
* Ask your parents to explain this. If they can’t, ask your grandparents.
* That’s what it sounds like when grown-ups talk. Nobody knows why.
* Anybody could have guessed that. Her picture is right on the cover of the book!
* Hey, I thought I was supposed to say that! And how did she know there were chapters?
* In case you were wondering, that’s me laughing.