Please say no. I couldn’t bear it if he said anything other than no.
“Not exactly.” He shook his head and moved back to me. “First of all, I built the house for me. Like you, I knew I’d come back here one day. That day came sooner than I thought it would. And Rylie,” he began and touched his lips to my cheek. “I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I felt about you then, and how I feel about you now. So you had a hand in the inspiration. And don’t give me some bullshit about time and how we don’t know each other. We do. We’re just getting reacquainted.”
“We were always honest…” I began while he moved to kiss the curve of my neck. “This was the first dream I ever had. To be here, with you.” He asked me to be sure, and I was as sure as I could get. I had to stop second-guessing. I had to trust there was a reason for it all. And I had to start by saying the words I’d never been able to say.
Until now.
I pulled away from him, but I held his hand while I looked out the giant windows. I knew there was more to this great house, stairs that led to more wonders. Places to make memories.
So I took a deep breath.
“I’ve done this all before. I want it again, and I’d love for that to be with you if it all works out, but I’ve done it before.”
He squeezed my hand as I went on. But I couldn’t stand still. He stayed right where he was, leaning against the kitchen counter while I made a loop around the open-plan living room.
“We had an apartment…before we got married. We came home from getting married in Vegas and didn’t go to the apartment. Our parents all got together to buy us a house. Did you know that?” I asked and vaguely noticed him shake his head.
“I was twenty when we met; he was thirty. But I loved him. And I told him all about you. I told him how I’d had another plan for my life, how I’d never felt at home anywhere but here. And how I’d always known my heart. That’s why it destroyed me…back then. I was young, but I knew it was you.” I curled my hand into a fist and clenched my shirt at my chest. “And so did Nick. He knew he wasn’t the first man to hold my heart.”
“Rylie—”
“Let me finish,” I whispered. “In the twenty years since we’ve been apart, I’ve had this whole other life, and it was incredible. It really was. But in the last three years, my entire world has been like living in shadows, where everything is dark, and every happy memory is like hands around my neck trying to choke the life from me. I’ve been angry. I’ve been in denial. I even destroyed the front yard of our house.” I chuckled and sniffled at the same time. “Because I thought…that’s it. And as much as I want this, and I do, please never doubt it. There’s a part of me afraid to dream again, because I’ve already lived that life. I had my bit of happiness, and then…” I said, staring at my shaking hands and giving it to him, the whole truth, completely, honestly.
And Quinten waited…watched…and listened.
I crossed my arms around my middle. “They said it was a bleed. Deep in the brain, something left from a car accident we had six years before. I was pregnant when the accident happened. Somehow, we were able to hide the pregnancy from our families. Mom would’ve been the hardest, but she was staying with Billy…after his accident?” I looked at him in question, not sure if he knew about Billy’s crash. “We wanted everyone to be together, so we waited until New Year’s Eve. Billy came down with Mom…a happy time,” I reflected with a small smile. I could see it all so perfectly. “Then, driving home, after dinner… I lost her,” I said, looking over to him. “I hadn’t found out the sex yet. We wanted to be surprised, but I wanted to hold her…so small, the baby, but I got to hold her. I got to say goodbye. And then they tried to bring Nick out of the coma, but he didn’t respond. Seven days, and, finally, he woke up. A miracle, right? And six years later, even on the anti-seizure meds…by the time they got him to the hospital, it was too late to do anything. We waited, and waited. And after seven days, it was like I was just waiting, thinking ‘any minute now’. I screamed at him to just open his eyes. And two months later…I asked everyone to leave the room. I lifted each eyelid, and I knew. I knew he was gone. He’d been gone for a while, and I knew…it was time. I called the nurse back in and held his hand. His parents said goodbye. Mom and Dad. Billy was the only one who stayed, but, at the time, it was just me and Nick. And then,” I said as my lip began to quiver, “I bathed him, just like I had for two months, because that was my duty, as his wife. Then I kissed him goodbye, and just like that, it all stopped.”
I spoke so quietly, but every word resonated like an attacking army, marching across my heart, and finally, I allowed those horrid words to leave my lips.
“I’ll be thirty-five in May, and it seems young to be a widow, but that’s what I am. I’m a widow. And I came here because, for me, no matter how much it hurt the last time I left all those years ago, it feels like…home.”
He crossed the room to me, opened his hand, and placed it palm flat against my chest as his voice cracked. “My home is here,” he said.
And returning the gesture, I put my hand over his, knowing the false starts we’d had before this moment were just a rehearsal. No more faltering.
I looked into his eyes and whispered, “Welcome home, Quentin.”
ELEVEN
A cell phone rang in the distance. Someone who didn’t realize that Quentin and I were having a significant moment. Finally, he said, “That’s the ring tone for The Boon.”
Which meant it was work.
“Yeah?” he said, still holding me in his arms. Then his eyes closed tight while he squeezed my hip and repeated in defeat, “Yeah.”
I knew what was coming, and though I wasn’t surprised, it was still a bummer. “You have to go.”
“Yeah, but you’re coming with me.”
I thought about what I should do, because just sitting there, drinking, wasn’t really my thing. But then I remembered Lucy. We hadn’t really spoken much. She’d sent me messages and asked if I’d like to join her at The Boon again, an invitation I kept declining in case I ran into Quentin. That was over a month ago.
“I’ll call Lucy. See if she wants to hang out.” I smiled.
Quentin moved his thumb along my bottom lip. “Rylie…we should talk about this more.”
“I wasn’t trying to hide it from you.”
“I know you weren’t. You needed time.” He paused and kissed me on the lips. “I have demons, Ry. They make me not trust, and she…my mom…she planted those seeds. That’s why I wanted you to be sure. Couldn’t handle opening myself up if you weren’t.”
“I get it,” I whispered. “I’ve only told Lucy. Since I’ve been here. I’ve never really had to say the words, and even she doesn’t know exactly what happened.”
Lucy and I hadn’t really delved into the how and why. She only knew that Nick had died.
“She’s a nice girl, Lucy. Had a thing for Miles.”
That was news, and, in learning this, I raised an eyebrow, hoping he’d share more.
“Miles isn’t, uh, big on commitment,” he said.
Poor Lucy. Once a Miller boy caught your eye, it sure was hard to shake.
“Do you mind me being there? I mean, while you’re at work?” I asked.
Quentin stood back, turned me in his arms, and said behind me, “Look around this place, Rylie.”
I’d already had a pretty good look. I didn’t know what he asking me exactly. “Okay…”
Okay, being my default answer when I wasn’t sure about something.
“No,” he chuckled. “I mean, tell me what you like, what you don’t like.”
I looked again and couldn’t find anything I didn’t like, except for the simple fact it felt sparse. It needed stuff, pictures, personal items, knick-knacks. “I don’t know if this is some kind of test, but, at first glance, it just needs things to make it feel more homey.”
He turned me back in his arms. “You know why I never lived here?”
“No,” I said and waited f
or him to enlighten me.
“I didn’t know either, not till tonight. Probably because I didn’t let myself think about it. But I know now. It was missing you. If I need space, I’ll tell you I need space. But right now, I can’t think of any scenario where I don’t want you by my side, and that means I want you at the bar with me. Not here without me.”
“I’ve been married. I can think of a few times when you want space.” I grinned.
But he brushed my hair away from my face. “Remember,” he said softly. “Neither one of us was ever shy. It was all out there, pure, no bullshit.”
Right then, I recalled a letter I’d sent to him just after my fourteenth birthday. I was upset because Billy had promised to take me to the movies, but took his new girlfriend instead. Mom had the “talk” with me, so I told him all about it. The talk was instigated by the coming of my period, something I also shared with Quentin. So really, when we told each other everything, we really did.
“I used to tell you everything,” I said, wistfully recalling all the letters and phone calls from years past.
“You did.”
No bullshit.
Honesty.
I lifted up to my tiptoes, so I could almost look him eye to eye, and said, “I’m really looking forward to having sex with you, Quentin.”
At my admission, he threw his head back and filled the entire first floor of his house with laughter.
When he came back to me, he pulled me in for a quick, hard, and thorough kiss.
“God bless America,” I breathed.
“In the future, your parents should move into your place when you move in here,” he suggested.
That might have been a little too fast for me. “Maybe take the turbo speed down a notch. Or ten.” I smiled. “We covered a lot of ground in the course of ten minutes. My emotions just went from the lowest lows and are trying to fight their way back up. I gotta get a hold of them before we start picking out china patterns.”
“What’s your gut say?” he asked.
“My gut has a one-track mind at the moment and can’t be trusted.”
He leaned down and kissed me again, more chaste this time. “Now, we get to know each other. When it happens, whether it happens tonight or another one, I just want it to mean to you what it’ll mean to me, Ry. Now, I gotta get to the bar.” He reached into his pocket for his keys. “You gonna come and keep me company?”
I pointed toward the door and smiled. “Show me the way.”
“Rylie.” He was only a man, not holy or blessed, but the way he spoke my name, with grace on his lips, soothed that deep ache in my heart. “Thank you for sharing your pain with me.”
I put my hand on his chest and closed my eyes in a silent thanks. I just hoped I could return the favor one day.
****
“Finally!” It turned out Lucy was already holding court at The Boon. When I showed up, she threw her arms around me like I was her long-lost, bestest friend in the whole wide world. In other words, she was two out of three sheets to the wind.
“So,” she said, stirring her drink with a little, red straw. “Tell me all about your brother. I wanna know when that sailor is coming back to port and staying for a spell.”
I chuckled, barely keeping the gulp of ginger ale in my mouth. I wanted something that looked like booze, but wasn’t. I wanted to pace myself. I also wanted to be in my right mind for whatever happened with Quentin later that night.
“Sorry,” she said and made a big show of dabbing her cocktail napkin around the sides of my mouth.
“Thanks.” I smiled. “When I was married, Billy and I used to talk at least once a month. Every three or four weeks, we’d talk for hours. He’d tell me about the people he worked with. Not the work itself, but he’d go on and on about the other designers. Not what they were working on, but who they were working on. It was the best entertainment, I swear. He had a rule of ‘no fucking the office’ which I thought was pretty funny, but sad, too. Anyway, he bought a motorcycle.”
“Hot,” she said with dreamy eyes.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I suppose it is. He drove it down here, almost seven years ago now, to visit Aunt Ardie and Uncle Lee. Then he headed back north, lost control of the bike and broke everything but his neck.” I exaggerated. But he’d sustained so many injuries, it wasn’t even funny.
“Oh my God,” she whispered, genuinely concerned. “I never heard about that.”
“It was only about six months before my accident,” I said and took a break with a sip of my drink.
“Your accident?” she asked.
“Yeah, my husband and I had a really bad car accident. He was in a coma for a week. I was over four months pregnant and lost the baby. But he woke up eventually. Then he started having seizures and had to take medication, so we couldn’t try again. Or, we did. It just wasn’t happening, and they said it was probably the medication or the stress…I’ll never know. Anyway…”
Lucy put her hand slowly over the top of mine. “Angels,” she said softly.
“Huh?” I asked.
“You must have a lot of angels looking out for you, Rylie.”
I’d never really thought of it that way.
“I guess.” I laughed, trying to brush off the sentiment.
I understood what she was saying, and it was a beautiful gesture. But as much as I liked Lucy, it was another one of those well-meaning things people say. The difference was, with Lucy, I knew it came from the heart.
“I’m looking forward,” I said and let my eyes swing to Quentin behind the bar.
“Well, the view is really good.” She smiled. “Like, really, really good.”
“So, a little birdy told me you and Miles…”
“Yeah,” she said with a wave of her hand. “But, he’s uh…” She seemed to search for just the right words. “He’s not so much into the long-term thing. He’s an awesome ride, but not one you want to stay on all the time.”
Having no idea what she meant, I gave her a questioning look with a raise of my eyebrow.
“He and Quentin seem to have some pretty significant family drama. Their dad took them away from their mom when they were kids. If I remember correctly, Quentin was a baby. When parents split, I think it really screws with a kid. Then with her in and out of, you know, hospitals…”
“I know about their mom,” I told her. “Funny, all those years spent coming up here, I think I only met her once.”
“Well, anyway, Miles had a lot of drama. Too much for me. At the time, with my job and all, I wasn’t much support for him.”
I leaned in closer. “Can I tell you something?”
“Sure,” she said. “I’m all ears.”
“I overheard my aunt and uncle arguing, and I mean, like, I have never, ever heard my Uncle Lee raise his voice to my aunt.”
“Yeah?” she asked, eating up the information.
“Yeah. But it wasn’t that. It was the fact my dad was there, and my aunt is his sister-in-law, and he was taking her side. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but it isn’t good.”
“Yeah.” She sat back, suddenly uninterested. Or the pretense of un-interest was there.
“Names were mentioned,” I added and was met with her silence on the matter. “Quentin…Miles…and me,” I finished.
She waved her hand up to Quentin and signaled another drink. “Two shots of tequila,” she told him, and Quentin winked and reached behind him for the bottle. Conversation stopped until he served the drinks and left us to it.
“Cheers,” she said and tossed the shot back, no lime, no salt.
“It’s not nothing,” I said quietly, “but I don’t know what it is, and I’m not…” I shook my head. “I haven’t dated in a really long time. And I don’t have anything else to share, so do I tell him what I heard? I never had any secrets from him when we were kids. So it shouldn’t be any different now.”
She looked down the bar at Quentin then back to me. “I’m not a professional or anything,” s
he said. “But, I think you need to tell him.”
I slumped into the bar stool, the wind well and truly out of my proverbial sails. “That’s what I was afraid of. I should wear a shirt that says ‘drama approaching’ so people are warned.”
“Rylie,” she said, and I looked at the serious set of her face and paused. “It’s life.” She shrugged. “Grab the happy while you can,” she said and leaned in. “By its big, fat, hairy balls.”
To this, I held up my shot and threw it back with a wide smile.
“Consider yourself lucky. All the men in this town are either married, gay, or twenty years old. Which reminds me, tell your brother, a.k.a. my future husband, to hurry up and move back here.”
And I knew she wasn’t joking.
Lucy left just after last call, and I promised to have her over to my new pad for dinner, and soon. After meeting a guy named Roddy, the third partner with Miles and Quentin, I helped the two waitresses wipe down tables and bring empties to the racks in the back to be run through an industrial dishwasher.
Eventually, while Roddy was in the office doing whatever it was he did with the money, Quentin and I were having a beer at one of the tall tables nearest the dance floor.
“Something’s on your mind,” he observed.
“It’s nice to have a friend to talk to.”
“You didn’t have friends down there?” he asked.
“They were our friends, couple friends. Nick was the only friend I needed or wanted. I’ve never been a super social girl anyway. But we were busy…with work, the house. There was always something.” I took a sip and focused on a buzzing neon sign. “After he died…I pushed people away. I pushed in a way they would never come back. It was just too much work to try to make them feel better. They all went home to their nice lives, together, while I spent my days trying to decide if I should brush my teeth.”
“I wish I’d been there for you, Rylie.”
“Why? I mean, not why, but there’s nothing you could’ve done. Unfortunately, you can’t rush that process. If you try, it just manifests itself in other, destructive ways.” I laughed. “Like landscape destruction.”
Watching the Sky Cry Page 11