Just imagine you and I are going for a walk in the jungle. As we’re enjoying the beautiful flowers, butterflies, and sunshine, we hear a sound in front of us. We see something orange and furry. As if we’re hit by lightning, we get an instant adrenaline shot and realize it’s a tiger, a hungry one.
The fight-or-flight system kicks in. Our hearts start to pound really fast, and blood is rushed to our muscles so we can run away from the tiger or stay and fight. As a consequence of this, we might feel nauseated, sweaty, dizzy, and overall pretty bad and super nervous. Our blood is primarily going to our muscles; so non-vital organs are put on pause, for now.
This is the fight-or-flight response in full action. An instantaneous reaction where our amygdala, a part of our brain, decides there’s a danger.
The word “instantaneous” is important here.
We don’t get the time to consciously think, “Oh, look! Tony the tiger. Does it represent a danger? Is it in a bad mood? Should I go and cuddle with it? Should I negotiate with it and explain the benefits of becoming a vegetarian? Should I run?” There’s no time for any of that. Our amygdala says, “Better safe than sorry!” and launches the fight-or-flight response right away. This can give you an avalanche of symptoms and strange sensations.
Now at that time, if we’re standing in the jungle with a hungry tiger eyeballing us, we’re not going to say, “Hey, wow! Look at that. My heart is pounding really fast. Am I about to have a heart attack? And you know, I’m super dizzy too. That can’t be normal. Let me Google that!” No, of course not, that won’t happen! There is no Wi-Fi in the jungle!
All kidding aside, the danger is clear and right in front of us. The tiger will get your full and undivided attention. Chances are we’re not even going to notice or worry about those sensations. We know why we’re anxious.
The problem starts when you’re just minding your own business and driving around in your car, sitting in a meeting room, eating at a restaurant, talking in a social setting, shopping for groceries, or even sitting home alone and all of a sudden you sense that first sensation, that first symptom.
That is the first and crucial part.
If you’re like I was, your mind starts to wonder what’s going on and why you’re feeling this way. Those are anxious thoughts, aren’t they? You’re adding a layer of anxiety and thus pushing down the first domino block. You’re communicating to your body that there seems to be some kind of danger—you do this by having those anxious thoughts and focusing on them—and your body says, “No problem. I have a fight-or-flight response for dangers, so here goes. I’ll give you some adrenaline, thank me later!”
As a direct result of the adrenaline, your symptoms and anxiety level increase. You’ll get more nervous and anxious. But there’s still no real tiger in front of you. Your mind probably then thinks, “Wow, seriously, I feel even worse! What’s going on? Should I call someone? How do I get out of here? Where are the exits? What will people think of me? Who can help me?”
Would you agree these are even more anxious thoughts? They are. So, yes, you’re adding another layer of anxiety, and you’re communicating to your body, “Look, there’s not just one tiger in front of me. I’ve just been dropped into an arena filled with tigers that have been drooling over a picture of me for months, and I think someone just dropped a couple of scorpions in my shirt too! Heeeeelp!”
Your body says, “No worries. Really. There’s more where that came from. Here is some more adrenaline. Let me crank up that fight-or-flight response so you can fight that major danger and survive this! Now go, fight for your life!” And all of your symptoms will increase even more.
More dominos start to fall, and you then launch a vicious anxiety and panic attack cycle. If you continue this thought process, you will launch a panic attack.
For some people, their anxiety is location driven (e.g., fearing a supermarket or somewhere where you can’t get away whenever you want); it can be the fear of doing something (e.g., driving, crossing a bridge, going through a tunnel, giving a speech, being the center of attention, going crazy), or it can be the fear of feeling something (e.g., fearing a sensation in your body and believing something bad is about to happen to you) making you continuously scan your body for aches and pains, also called checking in. And yet another group feels seemingly anxious for no reason whatsoever.
If this continues for a couple of weeks or months, you’ll probably get fear of the fear, where you’ll do everything you can to avoid feeling that way again. As if you’re allergic to the anxiety itself.
This is the very root of the problem!
Every single living being experiences anxiety and fear. People with panic attacks or generalized anxiety problems, however, fear the anxiety itself. They have a profound intolerance to anxiety, and this is what fuels the anxiety-virus that will then slowly start to take over each and every part of their lives.
So step one, if you want to overcome anxiety-related problems, is to work on your intolerance to the anxiety. That’s exactly what we will do too. But we won’t stop there.
Being free from unwanted anxiety simply means that you generally are in a happy state without the never-ending need to check-in on how you feel, on whether the anxiety or the dreaded symptoms will come or not.
Because indeed, as the anxiety-virus spreads, the dominos can then start to fall in other areas of your life. It started on New Year’s Eve for me, then advanced to restaurants, university classes, movie theaters, cars, meeting rooms, well... until I got agoraphobia and stayed home as much as I could. And as soon as something I feared was planned on my calendar, I’d be anticipating it for weeks in advance. Until the dreaded day passed. I would then feel good for a day or so, until my amygdala found the next event to focus upon. It was a never-ending rollercoaster ride of anxiety and fear.
As you’ve already read, these results are part of a self-defense system that makes a mistake and misjudges the danger. There is no real danger. Your body, however, doesn’t know that. Your negative thoughts keep telling that system there is something to be afraid of, and this launches the vicious panic-attack cycle I just described. You’ll learn how to reverse that throughout this book. You’ll learn to turn off the fire alarm and more importantly, how to not push the alarm button in the first place.
It’s not all about fight or flight
There are subsystems of anxiety serving other causes. A small percentage of people get depersonalization, where they feel they’ve just left their body... as if they’re no longer present or dreaming. Everything just feels unreal. This is yet another self-defense system, assisting you when it’s too late, when there’s no point in running or fighting.
David Livingstone, the famous adventurer, was one of the first to describe it. A lion had jumped on top of him and had already handed out the first bites. Yet Livingstone couldn’t feel a thing. He was fully at peace and time seemed to slow down.
Isn’t that strange?
His body decided it was too late to fight. If you get bitten and your heart is pumping like crazy, then you’ll lose more blood, and your chances of survival go down. So, if it’s too late to fight anyway, why not sit back and relax and just see if you survive it? With this system, everything slows down, and your body releases endorphins instead of the fight-or-flight adrenaline.
Great system in the event that you ever find a lion on your back, but you can imagine it’s pretty scary if you have an out-of-body experience while you’re not physically wounded. But here too, it’s simply a self-defense system that is misfiring.
When you have a panic attack or a strong moment of anxiety, unless you see a predator about to eat you or become aware of another physical and imminent danger, you are safe. Everything you’re feeling doesn’t mean something is wrong. It’s just a false alarm. It’s an adrenaline rush, the same kind you’d feel during a rollercoaster ride.
Strange as that may sound, please try to admire those systems. This will help you to not get scared when they kick in, so you
can convince your body more easily that it’s a false alarm instead of making it worse by listening to your negative voice. It’s always a bad idea to add more anxiety whenever the anxiety system is launched and there is no life-or-death threat in front of you. Otherwise, you’ll be pushing on even more alarm buttons.
“Don’t worry, everything is fine, I am fine... right?”
Before we can move on to what you should do when you’re anxious, we need to spend some time on what doesn’t work, so you can stop doing that first and cease pouring gasoline onto the fire.
Everyone who’s anxious is looking for reassurance. That’s what we’ve been doing ever since we were kids. “Daddy, are you sure there is not a monster in my closet?” Reassurance temporarily takes the anxiety away. But it is not the solution. Since shortly after the mind goes: “What if the monster is hiding under the bed instead of the closet?”
Off we go again...
Reassurance is pushing the anxiety away through the left window, only to see it re-enter a while later through the right window. It just doesn’t work.
I personally used the interwebs to find reassurance. I wanted to know that the symptoms I was feeling were OK. I came home empty handed every single time because I always found more proof that I should indeed agonize.
Some people love to call someone for some emotional support.
And most, if not all, try to reassure themselves by repeating, “Everything is fine. This is not so bad. I am fine.”
This, as I’m sure you’ve experienced, doesn’t work either. It’s a lie. And if there’s one person we should never lie to, then it’s ourselves. Clearly, everything is not fine, or you wouldn’t be feeling anxious.
Reassurance gives more power to the emotion of anxiety. You think, “I’m fine” and then get another thought or sensation proving that you’re not, hence putting oil on the fire.
The true solution lies in concluding that even when what’s happening is not fine (and thus acknowledging it), you are OK with it. That’s the way to avoid raising the already present level of anxiety. We’ll extensively look at this later on.
Let’s first go over all of the symptoms you may feel when the anxiety rises.
Symptoms
Anxiety and especially panic attacks come with a whole list of symptoms and strange bodily sensations that will probably make you uneasy and possibly give you a panic attack.
Some of the most common ones are:
A general sense of nervousness or jitteriness
Increased heart rate
Heart skips a beat
Light-headedness
Nausea
Dizziness
Tingling sensations
Sweating
Getting a flushed face
Dry mouth
Sweating
Tightness in the chest
Headache
Digestive issues
Blurred vision or inability to focus
Trembling
The inability to calm down / constant nervousness
This is not an exhaustive list, but these are the most common symptoms that accompany panic attacks and anxiety. Do note that if you suffer from these symptoms, it’s best to have your health checked by a doctor. When she or he doesn’t find anything then you can deal with the anxiety that’s causing them.
Good Versus Bad Anxiety
Wow, this title probably got you thinking, “Wait what? Is there such a thing as good anxiety?” Sure there is! You are still alive today because of your anxiety.
I once lived in a house where the garden was overgrown by all sorts of plants and trees.
Wildcats plagued our area at that time, and for some reason, they loved the jungle I called my garden. When one of those wild cats gave birth to her kittens, I could observe them from my kitchen and living room. Every nest of kittens had a variety of personalities. In each nest, I could see two extremes: the fearless and the fearful. Some kittens proudly looked out over the entire village from the top of one of my trees without caring about the way down, mere months after they were born; and the other kittens with too much anxiety ran for the hills when an angry-looking pigeon flew over.
As they grew up, the fearless kittens took more and more risks, unaware of the possible dangers. Maybe they were aware, but they simply didn’t care. What became poignantly clear to me was that the fearless kittens never grew up. They didn’t make it. They failed to see the danger even when it was right in front of them.
The other kittens, from the very fearful ones to the normal ones, survived each and every time.
In the line of your ancestors, you’ll find people who had at least a moderate amount of fear. That’s why they survived and were able to procreate. Remember, even as little as three to four generations back, life was still very dangerous on a daily basis. Fearless people simply didn’t make it. They were blind to the dangers that could (and often did) kill them. Your great-great grandparents had a well-functioning fear system that kept them alive, and it’s because of your anxiety system that you too are still alive today. It has continuously shown you the dangers and warned you of the real threats you encountered.
It would be silly to try to go for a life with no anxiety at all. We will nevertheless work on your intolerance to anxiety and try to get rid of the illogical anxiety. Most importantly, however, you’ll learn to make a distinction between good and bad anxiety.
Good Anxiety
This is legitimate anxiety. Your “let’s stay alive as long as possible” radar saw something, and it turns out this might be a true danger. Good anxiety also includes being on edge for events that would give anyone some stress because they are truly important and outside of your comfort zone. This type of anxiety is what some would call fear. Fear is a legitimate form of anxiety.
Examples are:
Going for a walk in the woods where bears live and deciding to not use the honey-scented face cream you normally apply.
Deciding you are too tired to continue to drive and pulling over to sleep in a motel or at least take a rest.
Feeling some nerves because you’re giving a very important presentation to some people who seem like they couldn’t care less.
Being a bit on edge before walking on stage to give a speech.
Deciding to stay in the boat and not go for a swim with your inflatable dolphin after you saw a shark fin emerge.
Being a bit anxious when moving to a new state or country to start the next chapter in your life
Feeling some nerves when getting married, starting a new job, becoming a parent, making a serious investment, giving your resignation, being let go, filing for divorce, etc.
Good anxiety cannot and should not be avoided. Sure, it would be awesome if you could go to a major job interview that can make or break your career without even a hint of anxiety. That won’t happen though. You’re human just like the rest of us. The trick here is to not let that anxiety hold you back, to not allow it to stop you or interfere with giving it all you’ve got. You’ll learn how to do that later on.
For now, make a mental note that some forms of anxiety are OK, and that the goal cannot be to avoid anxiety altogether. If anxiety is present, it’s best to pick it up and take it with you. Good anxiety can be your companion. It makes you perform better.
Do you remember the fight-or-flight cycle I explained? That very first hint of anxiety you feel can be a performance booster. There’s a point later on in the cycle where anxiety will become debilitating and shall severely decrease your performance. That first hint of anxiety, however, is great. It’s what every great performer, athlete, businessman or woman, actress/actor, and so on feels before they walk up on stage, into the meeting room, or onto the sports field. That first notion of anxiety makes you mentally more alert; it will help you to think quicker and be more effective.
It will nevertheless be crucial to not let the anxiety increase to the tipping point, where good anxiety can turn into bad anxiety.
Bad Anxiety
> This is debilitating anxiety that prevents you from enjoying your life. If you are intolerant to anxiety, good anxiety can turn into bad anxiety pretty quickly.
Bad anxiety is like having a very fast sports car at your disposal, but you’re always putting your foot on the brakes and never get to experience the pure and exhilarating power it has.
Bad anxiety can originate from good anxiety that you increase by the games your mind will play or by other forms of negative thinking. Bad anxiety can also emerge on its own based on previous bad experiences that your brain remembered.
Bad anxiety has no basis. It is the fear of a danger that is not real. Bad anxiety is a mistake; it’s not meant to happen. It doesn’t serve any goal besides destroying the quality of your life and putting your foot on the brake.
Bad anxiety has many side effects. Some examples are:
Badass Ways to End Anxiety & Stop Panic Attacks! Page 4