“You love ß owers,” Cees said.
“But especially these, right?”
“Right.”
“I can see why. Look at how full these are.” Arie put the ß owers to her nose, closed her eyes, and inhaled. “Oh, God,
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that’s…” Arie struggled for the right word to use, but her tongue refused to Þ nd it.
“Ambrosia,” Cees said in a soft voice.
For some reason, Arie felt she had been given another clue to her former self. Was that what she used to say when she held these particular ß owers? Did Cees bring them to her often? Why would she?
Arie opened her eyes and saw confusion and fear written clearly on Cees’s face. The weeping voice from her dream came slinking to the surface. Arie looked away. “I should put these in something.”
“That water glass should do,” Cees said and quickly disappeared into the bathroom. It was a few long moments before Arie heard the water running, and soon after, Cees came out with the ß owers placed in the glass.
“Peonies,” Arie said.
“You’re starting to remember!” Cees had a delighted look on her face.
Arie wanted to keep that look of pure joy on Cees’s face, but she didn’t want to mislead her. “Am I, or is that common knowledge?”
Just as she suspected, some of the excitement left Cees’s eyes as she looked down at the ß owers and then back up at Arie.
“They’re not that common. It took me forever to Þ nd a place that sold them. I had never even heard of them before I met you.”
“Really? But you have a gardening portion on your show.”
“We bring in experts to help us develop things like that.”
Something pulled at the back of Arie’s memory, but when she tried to focus in on it, it disappeared. Cees shifted from one foot to the other, breaking the spell.
“Oh, why don’t we sit down? I had them bring in a second chair so we could sit together.” Cees didn’t offer to help her this time, but Arie noticed that she let her walk toward the two chairs sitting next to the window. Cees didn’t sit down until Arie had.
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From the sigh Cees let out, Arie realized that she wasn’t the only one grateful to be off her feet.
“You look exhausted. Maybe you should head home.” Cees did look like she could use some sleep, but Arie knew she hadn’t quite kept the disappointment from her voice.
“I’d like to sit for a few, if you don’t mind. Visiting hours are over at seven, and I’ve already been warned that there’ll be no repeats of last night. How’s your head?”
Arie blushed as she remembered the sound of Cees’s voice.
The feeling of her hand on her head and the softly whispered words of comfort. “It’s Þ ne.”
“Dr. Parrantt said that the migraines can cause blackouts.
He said you should make sure to sit down if you should ever get another one.”
“He told me that too.”
As if recognizing that Arie was looking for some way to change the subject, Cees asked, “Did he also tell you that you can go home soon?”
“Yeah, he said in a few days.”
“Are you looking forward to it?”
The question should have been an easy one to answer. The sobs from her dreams came ß ooding back. Arie couldn’t swear to it, but she was almost certain that they had been a memory—
a memory in which she had done or said something that had broken Cees’s heart. Dr. Parrantt had reluctantly admitted that there might be some parts of her memory that never returned. She hoped the memory of hurting Cees was one of the spotty parts.
Cees had shown nothing but gentle concern for her since she had awakened. “I don’t know if I am or not. I will be glad to have my freedom. I don’t get the impression that I’m used to sitting around much.”
Cees laughed. “No, you were never one to sit still for long.
In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t gone stir-crazy, not being able to get your hands in some dirt.”
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“I was a landscape architect.”
“You remember that?”
“The police told me.” Arie hated the way the hope ebbed from Cees’s face. “Is that how we met?”
It was twenty seconds, maybe longer before Cees answered.
“Yes.”
“Did I work on your show?”
“Brieß y.” This time her answer came quicker.
“Why brieß y?”
Cees stood up so quickly that her chair made a shrill scream against the linoleum. Startled by the sound, Arie turned just in time to catch the distraught look on Cees’s face before she hid it.
“You thought it best that we not work together if we were going to be serious about our relationship.”
“Things were very serious between us, weren’t they?” Arie didn’t expect Cees to look so startled and vulnerable, nor did she expect the longing it caused in her. Turning back to the window was the only way she knew to break the spell. Arie focused on the plain, boring rows of ß owers in the hospital parking lot. Cees’s hand rested brieß y on her shoulder and was gone before she could comment. She closed her eyes and imagined turning around and falling into Cees’s arms. It was a surprising thought, but not an unpleasant one. When the long silence forced her to turn around, she found Cees sitting with her elbows propped on her knees. Her eyes were so intense that Arie should have been uncomfortable, but wasn’t.
“Tell me about your day.”
It didn’t escape Arie’s attention that Cees hadn’t answered her question about the seriousness of their relationship. “Why would you want to hear about my day? I lie in that bed. Stumble down that hall once or twice a day. Nothing much to tell.” Arie hooked a thumb at the blackened TV screen. “That looks like it might be fun.”
Cees smiled. “It is fun, but mostly it’s a lot of work. You’ll
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remember how much soon enough,” she said with conÞ dence.
“Why don’t you start with before you stumbled down the hall? I heard you ate a good-size lunch without being forced?”
Arie felt awkward telling Cees the mundane details of her limited life, but she did, and soon the awkwardness faded. Arie liked the way Cees leaned forward when she talked. Liked the way she asked questions and frowned when something concerned her.
The constant discomÞ t and fear that went along with having no memory was muted when Cees was present, a fact that scared Arie because she wasn’t sure how long Cees would be willing to let her interrupt her life. Dr. Parrantt had said she would be allowed to go home soon. Home meant an unfamiliar place without Cees Bannigan.
Arie pushed the thought away and answered Cees’s question.
She wouldn’t think about going home now. For now, she would gather as many of Cees’s smiles as she could. When the lights went out and the world outside her hospital room quieted, she would use the memory of that smile to help her forget that she was supposed to be afraid.
v
Construction forced pedestrians and bicyclists to share the road with rush-hour buses, cars, and Cees’s large pickup truck. Cees vacillated between fuming and being grateful that it was Friday. The fuming stemmed from the fact that thanks to the trafÞ c, she would be lucky to have thirty minutes with Arie tonight. She was grateful because tomorrow was Saturday and she would be able to spend a few hours playing cards or reading as they had done last weekend.
Lilly was right. She had allowed herself to get too close.
Cees pulled into the parking spot that she now thought of as her own and jumped out of the car. Lilly hadn’t asked her about Arie,
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so it had been easier for her to gloss over the fact that she was visiting her daily. It was very much like Lilly just to
assume that Cees had done what she suggested.
Cees slowed her trot to a steady walk. She entered the hospital, waved to the front desk, and made her way to Arie’s room. Cees was surprised to Þ nd Dr. Parrantt in Arie’s room when she arrived. Arie was sitting in the chair near the window with a cup grasped between her hands and a frown on her face.
“Everything okay?” Cees asked. To her pleasure, Arie’s frown disappeared and Dr. Parrantt looked relieved.
“Ms. Bannigan, if you would—”
Dr. Parrantt was interrupted as Arie stood up and walked toward Cees. Her movements, though still stiff, were slightly more natural looking. The jeans that Cees had purchased for her were Þ tting better. She still looked too thin, but she looked good.
Damn good.
Arie stopped in front of Cees, and they looked at each other and then down. There was always this moment when she came to visit. She never knew whether she was supposed to just walk in and sit down or if she was supposed to hug Arie or do what she wanted—to brush her lips across those full lips. They had progressed to neither, so Cees usually contented herself with walking into the room and claiming the seat that had been brought in especially for her visits.
“I’m sorry I’m so late. TrafÞ c was a mess.”
“I thought maybe you couldn’t make it tonight.”
Cees searched Arie’s eyes, wishing they were alone yet glad they weren’t. “I told you I would call if I couldn’t make it.” Cees wondered why she sounded like she was pleading for something from Arie.
“I know. I always worry, though. I think the worst until you get here.” The admission was so sweet that Cees’s palms itched to reach for her hand. Movement behind Arie distracted Cees long enough to realize that she had forgotten Dr. Parrantt was still in the room.
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“Ms. Bannigan,” Dr. Parrantt said hesitantly. “I was just telling Ms. Simon, she’s physically on the mend. Staying in this room isn’t going to help her regain her memory any sooner. What could help is if she returned to more natural surroundings.”
Cees looked from Arie to Dr. Parrantt and back again. “Well, that’s great news, isn’t it?” If it was so great, why did Cees feel like the bottom of her stomach had been ripped out? How could she possibly think that she could let Arie back into her life only to let her turn around and leave again? How could she forget how much it hurt the Þ rst time?
“I was trying to explain when you walked in.” Dr. Parrantt’s voice was soft, apologetic. “Ms. Simon can’t be left alone for long periods of time, but she insists on going home alone.”
“You don’t have to go home. You can stay with me as long as you want. I’ll make arrangements to have someone sit with you while I’m at work.” The words sprang naturally from Cees’s lips. She and Arie blinked at each other.
Arie spoke Þ rst. “I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“I know you don’t, and you aren’t.”
“I can hire someone to check on me.”
The fact that Arie was so tentative reminded her that this was not the same woman she had known. Maybe she should just walk away. From what the police said, Arie had plenty of money to hire the best care available. Did Cees really want to deal with the twin problems of Lilly and her inability to keep her own heart for herself?
“You could do that, or you could stay with me.” Cees looked at Dr. Parrantt. “Would that be all right? My place is more comfortable, and I’m more familiar than anyone she would hire.”
Dr. Parrantt cleared his throat. “Anything would be better than having her stay alone at this point. Please come by my ofÞ ce before you leave tonight.” He voiced his next words to Arie.
“Regardless of what you decide, I’d like you to stay here tonight.
I’d like to see you biweekly for the next few months, and when
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you’re up to it, there are some avenues of psychotherapy we can explore. I’ll leave you two to discuss your options.”
Dr. Parrantt left the room and Arie went back to her seat and looked out the window. Cees watched her for a long moment before joining her. She tried to remember why she had been so sure that ushering Arie out of her life was a good idea moments before she had insisted that she stay with her. She wished she could just take a step back to…
“Arie, I just realized you might not want to stay with me.
I’m so sorry if I made an assumption. I thought you were just afraid of imposing.”
“No, I mean yes, I want to stay with you.”
“But?”
“It terriÞ es me.”
“I terrify you? Why?”
“Not you speciÞ cally. The idea of going home with you.”
“Do you know what’s causing you to feel this way? Is it something I’ve done?”
Arie shook her head but wouldn’t meet Cees’s gaze.
“Okay.” Cees blew out a breath and stood up. “I suppose someone at the front desk can give us recommendations on home healthcare providers.”
“That’s not what I want, either.”
“Arie, would you just help me out here? I’m trying to do the right thing by you, and right now I’m a little confused as to what that is.”
When Arie Þ nally did look at Cees, she wished she hadn’t.
Arie hadn’t fabricated the depths of her fear. The fact that she was terriÞ ed was evident in her face. All of her previous frustration drained from Cees. She sat down and reached for Arie’s hand.
Arie took it without hesitation.
“Tell me what would make you most comfortable. If you want to stay at your place, I’ll come there to visit you after work, just like I come here. If you want to stay with me, that’s more
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than okay too. I’ll do whatever you want. All you have to do is tell me what that is and I’ll make it happen.”
“I don’t want you to go away,” Arie said, and this time, she didn’t look left or right. She met Cees’s eyes with an honesty that both thrilled and frightened the hell out of Cees.
“I’m not going anywhere until you ask me to go.” Arie tightened her grip and looked out the window. Cees closed her eyes brieß y and then pretended to gaze out the window as well.
Instead she saw an unclear reß ection of Arie and herself in the tinted glass. Cees wondered how long it would take for the feeling of being raw and exposed to pass.
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CHAPTER SEVEN
Arie looked up just before Cees entered the room. She felt the same confusion and insecurity she had felt when she’d Þ st regained consciousness, but it was coupled with excitement and anticipation.
“You look nice,” Cees said.
Arie wanted to return the compliment but wasn’t sure how to do it in a natural way.
“Thank you,” she said, looking down at the jeans Cees had purchased for her.
“Sorry if they’re a little big. You’ve lost some weight since I bought jeans for you last.”
“They’re very comfortable. You think I lost weight in here? I feel like they keep forcing me to eat when I’m not hungry.”
Cees smiled, and the worried look she didn’t seem capable of hiding disappeared momentarily. Cees pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose, and Arie fought the urge to grab her hand. “Maybe, but you’ve always had trouble keeping your body weight consistent. This all of it?” Cees reached out to take the two bags Arie was holding. Her voice was gruff, which was totally at odds with the vulnerability that seemed to become more pronounced by the moment.
“Yeah, I don’t have much. Only the stuff you picked up for me.” Arie saw Cees look at the soft brown teddy bear peeking out
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of one of the bags. Arie remembered the way Cees had shoved it into
her hands on one of her visits and how much the small gift had thrilled her.
“We can stop by your place to pick up more of your clothes.”
“That’s Þ ne, but it can wait until tomorrow if it needs to.”
Arie would have told Cees the truth, that for reasons she didn’t really understand, she was reluctant to go to her own apartment, but Cees had looked distracted from the moment she had walked into the room, and Arie didn’t want to burden her further.
She’s probably tired. You aren’t her whole world. She has a job, a life, real friends. She’s probably wondering how she ended up with an invalid to take care of. Arie’s thoughts were interrupted by an orderly with a wheelchair. She was wheeled to the front desk, where she signed whatever they put in front of her, then allowed herself to be wheeled out of the hospital. At the curb she watched as Cees jogged out to get her car. She was grateful not to have to keep up with Cees’s quick strides.
The clothes Cees wore on the TV show were of a much tighter-Þ tting ilk than the jeans and T-shirt she seemed to choose on her own, and the glasses were different. Arie liked how comfortable Cees always looked. Her dark blond hair was in a French twist at the back of her head, and she wore no makeup or jewelry. Arie wondered if she liked to wear makeup or jewelry.
The thought of jewelry caused Arie to remember the ring that she was told had been removed from her navel. She shuddered. What had possessed her to do something like that anyway?
Arie got up from the chair as Cees pulled a large blue truck to a stop in front of her. Arie said a distracted “thank you” to the orderly who wheeled the chair away.
“Sorry, they wouldn’t let me leave it here while you checked out. Something about it being a hazard,” Cees said when she appeared at her side.
“That’s not what I pictured you driving.” Cees unlocked and
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