Remember Tomorrow

by Gabrielle Goldsby

  “Lilly didn’t keep me out of your life. That’s my cross to bear. Lilly loves you,” Arie said softly. “She begged me to talk to you. When she realized that nothing she said would work, she lashed out. She told me you had moved on and were better off without me, and something came loose in me.”

  There was a long moment of silence while Cees tried to digest what Arie had just said. As angry as it made her, she did believe that Arie had loved her. She had always believed it. That’s why the end of their relationship had been so devastating.

  “Cees, please believe me. I thought I was doing the right thing. But after Lilly came to see me I realized that I had made a mistake, and I just shut down. Up until that point it never even occurred to me that I had ruined something special. I just couldn’t think past what if I had it, to what if I didn’t have it. Once Lilly came by my apartment, once she told me you had moved on, I realized that it didn’t matter. If I had the disease, I had pushed you out of my life before I needed to. If I didn’t have it, I would live the rest of my life knowing that I had lost you because I was too afraid to know the truth. A year and half isn’t long enough to admit that you’re a coward.”

  “You’re not a coward.”

  Arie smiled. “I am. But I loved… I love you with everything that I have. I hope one day you are able to believe that again.”

  “Then I guess we both are. Arie, I knew there was something wrong, but I was too afraid to confront you if it was something I couldn’t Þ x.”

  “Like Huntington’s disease?”

  Cees paused. “Yeah.”

  “And now? You aren’t afraid anymore?”

  “No, I’m still afraid. But I’m here. And this time I’m not going anywhere.”

  • 208 •

  REMEMBER TOMORROW

  Arie’s tears were coursing down her cheeks now. “How did you become so strong?”

  Cees smiled sadly. “My father built me that way.” Cees reached out and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Did you get any sleep?”

  Arie sighed. “A little. Did you?”

  “Not enough. Come on, I’ll read the letters later. You look like you need more sleep, and I need to be close to you,” Cees said. She stood up and held out her hand. Arie took it and allowed herself to be pulled to her feet. Cees took the envelopes still clutched in her hand and drew her close, wet clothes be damned.

  “I’ll take whatever time we have. No more running away. No more wasting time. Understood?”

  “Yes,” Arie said and Cees heard the conviction in that one word. She led Arie to the bedroom, helped her undress, and held her tight until the shaking eased and Arie fell into an exhausted sleep. Cees loosened her grip on Arie and retrieved the envelope with her name on it from the nightstand. It took her several minutes to open the letter and several more to read it in the dim light. After she had read it twice, she eased out of the bed and sneaked quietly into the living room where Arie wouldn’t be awakened by the sobs that racked her body.

  • 209 •

  • 210 •

  REMEMBER TOMORROW

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Arie was glad when they both stopped pretending that they were sleeping. Cees was trembling from the effort of keeping her tears at bay, and Arie hated herself for causing Cees’s distress. That feeling, hating herself, was familiar. Hate had been her constant companion since she had pushed Cees from her life. Hate, and the question—did she have it?

  Even though her intent in leaving had been to spare Cees pain, it didn’t make her certain that she had done the right thing.

  She had believed she was saving Cees a lifetime of sadness by making her hate her. The problem was, Cees could no more hate her than she could hate Cees.

  “I am such a fool,” she said. Cees didn’t answer. Arie kissed the back of Cees’s hand, her open palm, and then placed it over her heart so that she could feel it beat. She breathed in Cees’s scent, remembered it, pulled it inside herself so that she would not, could not, forget it again. She wanted to turn over so that she could hold Cees, but fear of rejection won out over need. She tried to content herself with the feel of Cees’s breasts pressed against her back, her bottom nestled into the curve of Cees’s hips—puzzle perfect. Cees’s hand settled on Arie’s hip, her thumb just above the soft triangle of hair. Chills formed on Arie’s arms, despite the heat their bodies created.

  • 211 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  In the past, she hadn’t needed to see Cees’s expression to know if she wanted her. She always knew by the way Cees touched her, as if asking permission despite knowing she needed none. Now she needed to hear the words. She didn’t want to risk an assumption, not when they had both been through so much emotionally.

  “Cees? I need to know what you want.” Arie turned until she was ß at on her back looking up into Cees’s face, looking up into desire meant for her.

  “I want you to make love to me,” Cees said. Arie translated that request into “Make me forget.” Arie wanted more than anything to make Cees forget, even for an instant, the dread she had been living with all of her adult life.

  Arie sat up and kissed her, opening her lips only slightly, giving Cees the chance to change her mind. When she didn’t, Arie deepened the kiss, easing Cees onto her back and settling on top of her.

  Arie expected the kiss to be gentle, hesitant. It wasn’t.

  Cees held the back of her neck, deepening the kiss and forcing them both past tentative. Arie inhaled as she felt herself tighten, constrict. She was perched on the edge of a small orgasm. This too was familiar.

  Arie covered Cees’s breasts with both hands, delighting in the familiar weight and feel of them. Cees caught her breath.

  “Cold?” she asked.

  “A little,” Cees whispered. Arie could feel the gooseß esh as it welled up over Cees’s skin, and she sought out Cees’s lips again. Then she slid her lips over Cees’s cheek, her neck, and down to her breast. She trailed her nipple with her tongue and then took it into her mouth. She knew Cees would arch, but the hiss followed by the whimper was new, and Arie immediately gentled her touch.

  She was rewarded with the feel of Cees against her hips.

  She could feel Cees’s eyes on her and she realized that she was perhaps moving too fast. She closed her eyes and willed herself

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  REMEMBER TOMORROW

  to calm down. Cees’s hand circled her wrist and pulled her down.

  Her Þ ngers ran along Arie’s back, up to her breast and down her sides. Their kiss was slow and seeking, and if Arie knew what strength or weakness made her able to break away from Cees in the Þ rst place, she forgot it in that moment.

  Arie laced her Þ ngers through Cees’s and pinned them on the pillow above her head. Arie opened her legs wide, easing Cees’s apart, and was rewarded by Cees’s hips lifting off the bed and into her. Now it was Arie’s turn to moan. She released Cees’s hands, but they stayed on the pillow and hers went to cup Cees’s ass, to pull her close as she lost herself in the movement and the friction for a few torturously slow moments. When she felt that they were too close to continue, she lifted off Cees and immediately felt the protesting hand on the back of her neck. She ignored it and kissed her way between Cees’s breasts and down her rapidly rising and falling stomach. The pressure disappeared from the back of her neck and Arie imagined that Cees put her hand back where she had left it; open and palm up on the pillow.

  She kissed the line of hair, saw it in her mind’s eye, and then pushed the vision away. As her heart rate increased, she settled between Cees’s legs, lifting her leg around her shoulder. With her hands beneath Cees’s ass, she kissed her with the gentleness that she knew drove Cees beyond crazy. Parting her lips and kissing her as if it were their Þ rst time together.

  Arie could hear her own heart pounding in her ears as she captured Cees’s clitoris and ran her tongue down its shaft. Cees’s soft cry was Arie’s cue to begin a steady suction. She tried to ignore th
e ß ush of heat that bloomed between her own legs and concentrated instead on the increasing moisture between Cees’s.

  Soon both of Cees’s hands were on Arie’s head, not pressuring, not really directing, just there while she loved her. When Cees was close, Arie entered her with her with trembling Þ ngers, and Cees immediately embraced her as she knew she would. Cees’s hips lifted high and Arie tried to support her, but she was already lost in the feel of Cees holding her inside as she held her inside

  • 213 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  her mouth, and lost in the sound of Cees calling out her name as her orgasm came hard and with so much force that she was left dumbstruck for a few seconds afterward. Arie was struck with acute awareness of all she had missed. She could never ever make up for those lost nineteen months, and it tore her apart.

  “Arie, come up here,” Cees said and Arie complied though she was completely drained. The moment her head struck the pillow, Cees was covering her, looking at her with those eyes that had always been able to see through her. Those eyes were responsible for Arie’s decision to force Cees out of her life. Those eyes would have found out eventually.

  “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Yes, you do,” Cees said softly.

  “I was just thinking how you had my number.” Cees was moving against her and Arie was having a hard time thinking, which she Þ gured was Cees’s plan.

  “Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you.”

  “Cees, would you…” Arie took Cees’s hand and moved it down near her hip.

  “What is it, sweetheart?”

  At Þ rst, Arie couldn’t tell if Cees was teasing her or if she honestly didn’t know what she was about to ask. Could she tell her what she wanted? Could she admit that she wanted Cees to— “Finish what you started a few weeks ago.” The thought had turned into a verbal order. Cees went still and then moved to the side.

  “I thought…”

  “I was scared. I didn’t know what to do with all that…”

  “Passion?” Cees Þ nished for her.

  “Pleasure, but yes, passion too.” Cees’s hands were already playing with the hair between her legs, and Arie eagerly opened her legs. Arie didn’t have to open her eyes to know that Cees would be smiling. She arched her hips, sought out Cees’s hands,

  • 214 •

  REMEMBER TOMORROW

  and guided her to where she needed her. She opened her eyes just in time to see Cees’s smile fade as she felt the need that had been building from the moment Arie realized Cees was going to let her make love to her.

  “I don’t want to wait anymore,” Arie said. Cees held her gaze as she entered her. Arie arched to give her access. She turned her head, and Cees was there kissing her, helping her to climb the ladder to pleasure. Once again, Arie’s heart rate was escalating and she listened to it as she increased her hip movement. When the time came, she called out Cees’s name. She had been such a fool.

  v

  Arie was lying on her back; her pulse throbbed visibly at the base of her throat as she slept. Cees kept perfectly still because she knew that any movement would wake Arie.

  The Þ rst few nights after Arie’s return, Cees seemed to have reveled in having her there. The fourth and Þ fth nights were spent differently. Even with everything that Arie had told her, even the fear of losing her hadn’t dissipated the anger.

  Arie’s lips parted, and Cees noticed a piece of lint on Arie’s bottom lip. She removed it without touching skin, but even that small bit of movement caused Arie to stir. Cees waited with her hand poised above Arie’s face and smiled at the thought of Arie waking to see her like this. She would probably roll out of bed in horror.

  Cees winced. That third night, she had hardly spoken to Arie at all when she came home. Arie had been happy to see her but accepted her quietness and didn’t question it until Cees had burst into tears when Arie asked her how her sea bass tasted. Then when Arie touched her, Cees had been so angry that she had been tempted to physically push Arie away.

  But she hadn’t, Cees reminded herself.

  • 215 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  Instead, the tears came. She had cried out her anger and Arie had let her. Not shushing her. Just letting her cry. It wasn’t until later that Cees realized that Arie was crying too. Even after their lovemaking became less of an apology, but a rejoicing at Þ nding each other again. The anger and the fear of losing her were still there.

  If and when the nightmares began, she would turn over and brush a hand against Arie in the pretense of accidentally touching her in her sleep. Anything to stop the thought of being without her again.

  Cees was so deep in thought that she hadn’t noticed Arie was awake until she turned to her and smiled. Arie’s eyes traveled her face slowly as if imprinting Cees’s face on her memory.

  “How long?” Arie asked. Cees understood the question.

  How long did they have? How long before she had to leave to go to work? How long before they would be forced apart?

  “Two hours, maybe a few minutes more. Did I wake you?”

  Cees asked, strangely made shy by the intense look on Arie’s face.

  “You touched my lips.”

  “No, I was careful not to touch you.”

  “I felt you just the same.” Arie rolled over on top of her, and Cees put her arms around Arie’s shoulders, loving the perfect weight of her.

  The lovemaking was slow and exploratory, but the apologies had all but disappeared. They were just exploring each other. She’s savoring me, Cees thought, right before she arched her back off the bed and grabbed her pillow for an anchor. She pushed the thought away and rushed toward her pleasure.

  v

  The Þ rst few days after Arie regained her memory, they had tried to pretend that Arie was still sleeping in the other bedroom,

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  REMEMBER TOMORROW

  but Momma Nguyen had seen through that by the second day.

  Cees and Arie had an appointment with Dr. Parrantt to discuss the fact that Arie’s headaches had all but disappeared. Momma Nguyen would be able to focus her attention on her sister. Arie had voiced how much she would miss the curmudgeonly woman, and Cees had admitted that she, too, would miss seeing Momma on a daily basis. The fear and insecurities were still there, but life didn’t seem to care and was returning to some semblance of normalcy. That is, if not hearing from Lilly constituted normal.

  Lilly, it seemed, was still angry with her. This was the Þ rst time in years that things had gotten so bad that Lilly refused her calls. Arie had suggested that they visit Lilly together, but Cees had ß at-out refused. She had her pride too. As much as Cees loved Lilly, Arie was her main concern now. If anything, the return of her memories was taking more of a toll on Arie physically than her amnesia had. She wasn’t sleeping as soundly as she had been, and Cees often caught her watching her.

  The apologizing and self-deprecation had stopped, but the fear was still there, and she knew the only way to make it go away was for Arie to take the test for Huntington’s disease. That was the only way they would ever move forward on whatever path they had to travel. Arie had said she wanted to live life with Cees like every day was going to be their last. But what they were doing was cocooning themselves in the house, making love to each other, and releasing old hurts. Cees didn’t think either of them was living.

  Cees pulled herself from her melancholy thoughts, got out of the truck, and was hurrying inside when she noticed Miranda’s car. She wasn’t expecting her back for another day or so. She jogged up the stairs to her ofÞ ce and found her on the phone.

  Miranda waved her in, and Cees walked into the room and sat down.

  Miranda Þ nished her call looking both frazzled and excited.

  “Wow, you look great.”

  • 217 •

  GABRIELLE GOLDSBY

  Cees raised a brow. “I do?” Despit
e the worry over Arie’s health, she did feel energized, ready to take on the world if need be.

  “Maybe a little sad, but still nice and glowy. What’s going on?”

  “I just saw your car and wondered why you were back so early.”

  “I got some good news in New York. I’ve been promoted.”

  “Wow, that’s great! I guess I should have seen that coming.

  I can’t lie and say that I’m happy you’re leaving, but I am happy for you.”

  Miranda’s smile was made up of equal parts excitement and nervousness. “This is exactly the opportunity I’ve been waiting for.”

  “I know.” Cees returned her smile because she was genuinely pleased for Miranda. “I need to get downstairs. Philly will be looking for me. Let’s get together and talk soon.”

  “I noticed you didn’t answer me when I asked what was going on, and you do look a little sad. I’m not conceited enough to think it’s because of my pending departure.”

  Miranda looked genuinely concerned, and Cees really wanted to sit down and tell her how she was both the happiest and the saddest she had ever been in her life. But Miranda was not Lilly. And despite Lilly’s rough exterior, they had a lifetime of sharing fears and triumphs together. She and Miranda could never have that.

  “I’m Þ ne. Just a little tired.”

  “Well, after next Friday, you should have a full six weeks off. Any special plans?”

  Cees smiled. “Yeah, I do.” She turned to leave.

  “Oh, and don’t worry, I’m still going to be heading up the cabin project. I’ll hire the new producer and oversee everything, so make sure you keep out of trouble.” Miranda winked.

  Cees winked back, barely stiß ing a laugh. She had every intention of getting herself into some big trouble very soon.

  • 218 •

  REMEMBER TOMORROW

  Vance met her halfway down the stairs. He had such a somber look on his face that Cees was tempted to ask him what was wrong. Tempted, but not stupid. She kept walking. “Uh, Cees?