by Kate Hill
“I don’t know how he did it.”
Adam pointed to the first page of the next book.
December, 1981
Wednesday
(First Year Residency)
I want to be a heart surgeon so badly I can taste it almost as bitterly as I taste the blood on my tongue. I’ve been told I have good hands for surgery, but every year it’s becoming harder and harder to control my desire for blood. The smell of it, the sound of it with every human heartbeat—I call them humans because I know by now I’m not one—is unendurable. I wish I could tell someone. Am I mad? I don’t know anymore. One day I’ll do something horrible. Is any part of me still a human being, or am I a total animal? I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to be normal. I don’t need my damn high IQ. I don’t need to be able to run—I mean really run—forty miles and not be tired. I’m a monster. Deep inside, I know I’m a monster. I want to help people. I want to be a good doctor, but at times I hate everyone and everything. Other interns and residents complain about the same feelings of tiredness and frustration, and I know it’s not easy on anyone, but do they all need to drink blood? When they smell blood, do they have fangs that ache to unsheathe? Do they have claws? Does daylight give them a migraine?
Thursday
I’m no longer going to wish I was dead. Like everything else, if I want it, I have to reach for it. Today I have it planned. I will overdose on morphine. A cowardly way to die, but I have to end it before I hurt someone—maybe even someone I care about. Mom, Dad, if you ever find this, I love you and I’m grateful for all you’ve done. Thank you for adopting me and for sending me to medical school to follow my dreams. I’m so, so sorry I couldn’t have been a better son and a better human being.
Saturday
I’ve done everything right all my life, but I botch this. I can’t even overdose myself correctly! What the hell kind of a doctor am I? I took enough to die. I know I did, but here I am.
This confirms my worst fear. I am a vampire. I am not crazy, but I know I cannot be a surgeon. I’ll finish out the year—if I can stand it—and find another area of specialty—that is, if the hospital doesn’t throw me out for good. I’ve been unconscious from the morphine for over twenty-four hours, virtually my entire shift.
May, 1982
Tuesday
(Second Year Residency)
I know what I want! I’m studying hematology. I can help people with blood diseases as well as sneak a few pints for myself. I love medicine too much to give it up, but I can’t trust myself not to hurt someone if I don’t get blood. Drinking my own is something I’ve grown accustomed to, and I know it helps me survive.
Dulcie swallowed hard. “It’s horrible.”
Adam nodded. “But he came so far. This is the first one I picked up.”
He passed Dulcie another journal, and she opened to the first page.
August, 1986
Sunday
It’s odd how much I’ve learned about myself, about being a vampire. I’ve learned only my own blood can sustain me, yet human blood—a drink every now and then from lab samples—is a quick, pleasurable fix. I can’t contract human diseases, and I know I have to hide how strong I am so that I can fit in. Days have become quite tolerable.
I can control what I am and what I do. I am a vampire, but I can also be a man. I can be a director of hematology, a position I plan on filling eventually.
“Dulcie, there are things about you in there, too. Maybe you should finish it,” Adam said. “I don’t know how much he’s going to write about you and him.”
Her heart racing with curiosity, Dulcie began reading.
* * * * *
“So now what are we going to do?” Nancy half-shouted to Matthew over the Original’s growls. The child snarled and hissed as he cringed in the corner of the observation room.
“Just stay back.” Matthew gently nudged her toward the door. “He’s much stronger than he looks. He could seriously hurt you.”
“Don’t worry. I’m not about to get any closer than I have to.” Nancy backed away. “But if you don’t keep him quiet, someone might hear. Then how are we going to explain this?”
At Nancy’s movement, the child lunged forward, his eyes flashing red.
Matthew stepped between them, and the boy cowered again.
Glancing from Nancy’s white coat to his own that covered his street clothes, an idea struck him.
He slipped off the coat and said to her, “Take yours off, too.”
“Why?”
“Just do it.”
Nancy removed hers and took Matthew’s. She tossed them outside the room.
The child stopped growling and stared at them with wary eyes. Matthew took a slow step toward him.
“Be careful!” Nancy said.
“I will,” Matthew said in a low, soothing voice. “See. He associates the coats with those bastards at Jay’s lab.”
“Nice call. Now what do you plan on doing?”
“We won’t be able to stay here much longer, and I can’t keep him anesthetized forever. I want to see if he can trust me.”
Matthew stepped within arm’s length of the child, who growled, softly this time.
“I’m not going to hurt you.” Matthew knew the child didn’t understand his words, only the sound of his voice. He squatted so that he no longer towered over the Original. For a moment, the two stared at each other. Matthew extended his hand, and the child swiped at it and scratched viciously. The boy’s strength even surprised Matthew. Though not nearly as strong as the full-grown Immaculate, the boy had power in his skinny arms. Matthew glimpsed the strength he would possess when he reached adulthood. The First Father had been a small creature but extremely powerful—even stronger than most Immaculates. Matthew left his hand out. After a moment, the boy stopped scratching him and Matthew touched his shoulder. The child trembled beneath his touch.
Matthew slowly stroked the bony arm. The Original’s brown eyes glistened with moisture as Matthew edged a bit closer and slipped his arms around him. The boy began fighting him with terrifying strength, but after several moments stopped. Only the sound of the Original’s frightened breathing echoed in the otherwise silent room. Matthew loosened his hold, but strangely, the Original didn’t move away. Instead he leaned a bit harder against his new protector. Whimpering, the child shivered. Matthew was moved with pity. He glanced up at Nancy, who looked half-sympathetic, half-horrified.
“God, Matthew,” she whispered. “What are you going to do?”
“Whatever I have to. He has to eat. It’s long past his usual feeding time.”
Matthew slipped a knife from his pocket and cut the back of his wrist.
“Matthew!” Nancy said so sharply that the Original hissed.
“It’s all right. I’ll heal very fast. He has no incisors, so he can’t take blood naturally.”
“What’s so natural about it?” Nancy watched as the child grasped Matthew’s arm and began feeding.
“Damn it!” Matthew drew a sharp breath as the Original’s flat, humanlike teeth sank into his bleeding arm. Oddly, vampires’ fangs rarely hurt when they sank into flesh. A momentary prick was all, then pleasure. This child had been robbed of his birthright and the ability to give pleasure with a bite. As he grew, he would have to find other methods and ways of compensation.
“Matthew, your eyes!”
Matthew knew his eyes had taken on their lavender glow. Strong emotions such as lust, fury, pain and pleasure gave rise to vampiric nature, causing the whites of vampires’ eyes to turn the legendary blood red. When the color mingled with the iris, it gave each vampire his own personal color. Dulcie was reddish, Vincent mahogany, Adam amethyst, and Matthew lavender. The painful gnawing of the child’s teeth combined with the amount of blood the Original drained caused Matthew’s heartbeat to quicken as his vampiric nature emerged. He resisted the urge to hurl the child across the room.
“Matthew,” Nancy continued.
“It’s all righ
t. It’s a normal reaction. Damn it!” Matthew gasped as the child drank more deeply than any vampire he’d ever known. He’d heard the story of how the First Father had drained many hybrids and Immaculates to death. He gently nudged the child. “That’s enough.” The boy, completely lost in bloodlust, bit even harder and drew so deeply Matthew felt lightheaded. He grasped the boy and felt some of his flesh tear away as the child sat back, gasping, licking blood from his lips. Panting, Matthew held one hand over his wrist to stop the bleeding. He stared at the child, for the first time wondering if he could control him.
“Let me see.” Nancy hurried to Matthew and bound the wound with gauze. “You’re going to need stitches.”
“Maybe.”
“I’m telling you, you’ll need it.”
“Probably. If I could get hybrid blood, I’d heal, but I have no access to it.” Matthew drew a deep breath, his head clearing.
“I’ll be right back.” Nancy left the room.
The child edged closer to Matthew and hesitantly touched his bandaged arm. Looking into Matthew’s eyes, his expression revealed confusion and sorrow. He awkwardly stroked Matthew’s wrist as Matthew had stroked his shoulder.
“And they say you’re an animal,” Matthew whispered. “You just haven’t been given a chance. That’s all.”
The child tilted his head, as if trying to understand.
“Matthew.” Matthew pointed at himself and repeated, “Matthew.”
Nancy returned and began cleaning Matthew’s arm. “You’ve lost a lot of blood.”
“I’ll be fine. Believe me. I’ve been through worse.”
“I can get you some blood.”
“Remember I told you I’m an Immaculate? Human blood doesn’t nourish me.”
“Why don’t you let me call Dulcie? I’m sure she’s worried.”
“No! The less she knows, the better. And the less time I spend with you, the better.”
“Matthew,” the boy said softly.
Both adults stared at him.
“That’s right.” Matthew smiled. “Matthew. That’s Nancy. N-a-n-c-y.”
“Nancy,” the Original repeated, then pointed at Matthew again. “Matthew.” The child pointed at himself, a questioning look in his eyes.
Matthew, taken a bit off-guard, glanced at Nancy.
The chubby scientist smiled. “Looks like you better give him a name, Daddy.”
The boy nudged Matthew and pointed at himself again.
Matthew motioned toward his charge. “Sage.”
“Sage,” the Original repeated. “Matthew. Nancy. Sage.”
“Sage?” Nancy lifted an eyebrow.
Matthew shrugged. “I always liked that name.”
Standing, he took Sage’s hand.
“Where will you go?” Nancy asked as she escorted them out.
“I don’t know, and even if I did, it’s safer for you not to know. I owe you, Nancy. I really do.”
“Like I said, I’ll make sure you pay me later. Matthew, I wish I could do more for you. This is all so unbelievable.”
“Take care of yourself, Nancy. You’re a great friend.”
“From what I can see, you’ve done the right thing.”
“Thank you. It’s good to hear.”
“You be careful.” Nancy hugged him.
Matthew nodded and made his way out of the hospital.
* * * * *
June, 1989
Thursday
Tonight I saw, without doubt, the most beautiful woman who has ever graced this earth. She has the eyes of Cleopatra and the face and form of Aphrodite. Her scent is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I think she’s like me, a vampire. She has to be. Those eyes, that scent…I can’t find the words.
I think she was flirting with me at my father’s birthday party tonight. She’s a friend of my sister, Lisa. I know she was flirting…I think. I’ve never paid much attention to women before. They’ve never interested me. Neither have men, so I’m not gay. Not that I have anything against homosexuals… Listen to me! Even in my own journal I’m trying to stray from the subject. Dulcie. Her name is Dulcie. If the essence of sex could truly be captured by one word, it would be Dulcie.
I sound like a total fool. I’m an adult…Director of Hematology at a great new research hospital, and here I am writing and feeling like a teenager with a crush.
It won’t do me any good. She might have been flirting, but I know she was toying with me. She couldn’t have possibly been interested. I have about as much finesse with women as an elephant has for ballet. I didn’t say much to her. It’s best that way. I probably would have said something stupid, unless I discussed my research. Then she’d have gone to sleep.
I left Dad’s party before he opened any presents. I missed the damn cake. I love cherry cake. I don’t think I could have swallowed it in front of Dulcie.
She asked if anyone had ever painted me. She said she paints mostly nudes. My teeth ache and I have an erection hard enough to use as a coat rack just thinking about being nude in the same room as…
I can’t write about it anymore. I’ll just have to forget her. I probably won’t ever see her again, anyway. Thanks for small favors.
Friday
I could have killed Lisa! Why the hell did she have to bring Dulcie to my office? Why the hell did she have to demand we go to lunch?
Dulcie apologized if what she’d said at Dad’s party offended me. Offended me? I felt like dragging her into bed. Oh, that would be rich. She looks like she’s had plenty of experience in bed, and me… That’s something else I don’t even want to write about.
I wonder if her skin is as soft as it looks. I wonder what her hair feels like. I could see the outline of her nipples through her dress. They’re so beautiful, like berries just calling for me to taste them. What would they feel like against my tongue? How would her soft curves feel pressed, naked, against me? If I close my eyes, I can smell her perfume, I can hear the rush of her blood. I know she’s like me. Her heartbeat is so slow.
I’ve never desired anyone this much. I didn’t think it was possible for lust to evoke physical symptoms. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin. It’s close to midnight and I still have so much work to do, but I keep thinking about her. I’m the only one in the lab right now. I prefer it this way, especially at night. The moon is so close tonight, so brilliant. I feel like I could run a million miles. I can hardly sit still. I hate it when I get like this. Usually I can control myself, but tonight it’s so hard—because of her. I know it is.
Later
I still can’t believe what happened tonight. Dulcie showed up at the lab. It was after midnight. I thought I was going crazy from the desire for blood. I thought I’d only imagined her scent in the hospital, but I turned around and there she stood in the doorway.
She wore a flowing white skirt set. The light from the hallway shone through the flimsy material, and she wasn’t wearing any underclothes. The scent of her lust filled the room and my cock took on a life of its own. It throbbed and ached, longing for something smooth and slick, something it had never touched before but which would bring unimaginable pleasure. My heart pounded so hard I thought it might explode through my chest. I was going mad with desire.
I had to make her leave. I know how strong I am, and I was so afraid I’d hurt her in my desire.
Hurt her? What a joke! I was right when I guessed she was like me—a vampire.
I never imagined anything satisfying me as much as my work, but research is nothing, nothing like what I shared with Dulcie tonight.
I can still feel the scratches on my back from her claws and the imprints of her teeth on my flesh. We spent the night having sex in my office. How unprofessional. I’m so ashamed, but I don’t regret a moment of it. The thought of it makes me shiver and stirs my cock. Already I want her again so badly I can scarcely breathe, and my hands are trembling so much I can hardly write. I wish I had her with me right now to sate this agonizing desire. I’d make love with
her all day and all night if I could.
All my life, I’ve been so lonely. Now I can share everything with Dulcie. She’s the only person who really understands me. I love her. It’s only been a couple of days, but I know I love her as surely as I knew I wanted to become a doctor.
I want her to be only mine. I want her with me for the rest of our lives.
Whoever would have thought I could feel this way, like a part of me I never knew existed has awakened.
Dulcie paused in her reading, her heart full of sorrow and joy. She remembered those first days with Matthew so clearly. She had no idea he felt so strongly about her right away. When she’d first met him at the party, she thought he’d hated her. She knew he’d desired her, but he’d been so uptight.
As much as she’d given him, he’d given so much to her in return. She felt secure in his love, and she knew he respected her and would never hurt her if he could help it. Yes, he’d hurt her by disappearing, but she knew how strongly he felt about protecting the Original child. Matthew stood by his convictions, and she’d always loved that about him.
I love you, Matthew, she thought. I love you so much. Please, please be safe.
She glanced back at the journal.
Monday
Meeting Dulcie has opened a new world for me. Not only has she told me about her family, who are also vampires, but the doctor who founded the hospital where I work called me aside today. His name is Jules Kane, and he is also a vampire. Imagine that! I’ve been working for him since the beginning of the year when I was hired as Director of Hematology, and I never knew. His scent was a bit different, stronger than humans, but not like mine or Dulcie’s. I’ve learned there are different kinds of vampires. Jules is what’s known as a hybrid. He was once a human but made a vampire by a bite. Even more shocking, he knows about my past. He knows my biological parents. I’m an Immaculate vampire. I was born of two hybrids. I’m writing this, but it’s almost too much to take in at once. My adoptive parents knew nothing about my background, and all my life such questions have been a mystery. Now I find out my superior has had the answers all along. Jules said he wanted to watch me for a while, to see if he could trust me, to see how much I knew and understood about myself.