If I open my mouth everything I’ve felt about Rosa – that she’s broken, that she’s evil, that she’s the fucking devil – will come spewing out.
I can tell the parentals now. This is it. They know what happened. I can sit down with Sally and David and tell them everything Rosa has done and make them listen.
‘It wasn’t an accident,’ Rosa says.
‘Of course it wasn’t! Why did you do it?’
‘It’s a secret. I’m not allowed to tell. I promised.’
‘A secret?’
‘Seimone’s fine,’ Rosa says. ‘She said so. It’s like nothing happened.’
My heart’s beating too fast. I don’t dare open my eyes.
‘Seimone told me she’s almost died twice. But when she was little. She doesn’t remember.’
If I open my mouth I’ll scream. When I’m calm I’ll start from the beginning, ask her what happened. Then I’ll tell Sally and David.
‘What happened?’
‘There was peanut butter in our smoothie.’
‘How did it get in there?’
Rosa shrugs. ‘I was about to stab her with the injector thingie.’
I open my eyes. Rosa looks unconcerned. ‘You were just standing there.’
‘You snatched it when I was about to stab her with it.’
‘Don’t smile.’
She bites her lip. ‘I was going to save her.’
‘But you didn’t.’
‘Because you took it.’
‘Don’t lie, Rosa. You were just standing there. Why didn’t you help her? You could have helped her. You watched the vid. We all did. You practised with it.’
‘I was about to. I told you.’
‘You laughed!’
I can feel my voice getting louder. I have to be calm.
‘It was funny.’
My hands turn into fists. For a fraction of a second I can see my right cross crushing Rosa’s nose. I blink, force my fingers open. I try to think of how she was when she was a baby. Her little fingers curling around my thumb.
‘She was coughing at first. But then her face went red and she was clutching at her throat and her lips were swelling. Really fast. Like they were balloons. I didn’t know you could swell up that fast. I wanted to see. Then her eyes started to bulge. Did you see that? They were bugging out of her face. When you came downstairs she was turning blue. Blue! That plus her bulging eyes and her lips. It was funny, so I laughed. I can laugh and help her at the same time.’
I close my eyes again. Focus on my breathing.
‘You’re going red now. That’s kind of funny too.’
I open them. ‘It’s not funny. You knew you shouldn’t laugh. You put your hands over your mouth so no one would hear it.’
‘I know you’re not supposed to laugh when someone’s swelling up. I was trying to be normal.’
‘By letting her die.’
‘I didn’t want Seimone to die. She’s my friend. She didn’t die.’
‘No thanks to you.’
‘I was about to stick her with the injector. You stopped me!’
‘Stop lying.’
‘I’m not,’ Rosa says. ‘You know I like seeing new things.’
My hands are fists again. What can I say to that? What if I shake her? Will that get through to her? Could I rattle empathy into her brain?
‘Death is interesting.’
‘Death is not interesting. When someone’s in trouble, you help them. You want to pass for normal? Helping is what normal people do!’
‘I was trying to. I keep telling you. But what if in helping someone I get hurt? Should I still help?’
‘How was helping Seimone going to hurt you?’
‘She was kind of thrashing around at first. She could have hit me. That’s why I waited.’
Calm, I have to be calm.
‘It would have been interesting if she’d died. I’ve never seen anyone die. I wonder if it’s like a guinea pig?’
‘She’s your friend. She’s not a guinea pig,’ I say. ‘Wouldn’t you miss her?
‘Yes. Seimone is very useful. She’s teaching me to be like a normal girl. I’d miss her. I could try to be friends with Maya.’
‘Maya doesn’t like you.’
‘I’d make her like me. I’m good at that. I decided Seimone would like me. I looked up all the things she liked. Ask me anything about Korean pop music.’
‘That’s not how friendship works.’
‘It’s how it works for me.’ The smile creeps back onto her face. ‘I’m glad I can tell you these things, Che. I like being able to tell you what I think.’
I hate hearing it.
‘Was this your chance to kill without being caught? Is that what you were thinking?’
‘Oh, no. I don’t want Seimone to die. She’s my friend.’
You keep saying that. Saying it doesn’t make it true.
‘You have to promise me that if something like this ever happens again you’ll do what you can to help. You won’t stand there and watch.’
Rosa shakes her head. ‘I did try to help. But you won’t believe me. I think I’ve made enough promises. I’ve kept them all. I said I wouldn’t kill anyone and I haven’t. That’s enough promises.’
I stare at her.
‘I definitely want to drive an ambulance when I grow up,’ Rosa says. ‘Emergencies are exciting.’
CHAPTER THIRTY
I march to the parentals’ office and knock hard on the door.
My hands are sweating. My heart’s beating as fast as it does when I spar.
‘Come in,’ David calls out.
I open the door, step into their study. David’s in front of the computer, typing intently. He doesn’t look up.
‘Have you heard from Sally?’
He types some more, then swivels on the chair towards me, nodding. ‘They checked Seimone, said she was fine. Thanks to you, Che. We’re proud of you.’
He stands up, hugs me awkwardly with one arm, then sits again.
‘They have to keep her under observation for a few more hours. Her own doctor will be checking her as well.’
My phone pings in my pocket. I switch it to silent without looking.
‘Did you want something else?’ David’s swivelling the chair back towards the computer while looking at me.
‘Yeah.’
I sit down on the couch, next to the window. Then I stand up again, stand by the window.
‘What’s wrong?’ David asks, but he’s looking at his screen, reading, not focused on me. He starts typing again.
‘My sister is a monster,’ I say. I feel leaden, as if I’ve left my own body.
‘Uh huh,’ David says, typing.
‘My sister is a monster,’ I repeat, louder this time.
‘What did you say?’
‘She’s…’ I trail off. ‘She put peanut butter in that smoothie they made. I think she tried to kill Seimone.’
David’s not looking at his computer now.
‘Rosa. She’s not neurotypical. I know you don’t want to hear it. She has antisocial personality disorder.’
I tell him about Apinya’s guinea pig, about the passport. I tell him more of the awful things Rosa says.
He’s leaning forward on his chair, watching me as intently as Rosa does. He doesn’t blink. I keep talking and he doesn’t interrupt me.
‘She only cares about getting what she wants. I don’t know how to stop her and some day she’s going to kill someone. I don’t know what to do…’
My throat aches. My brain. My heart, too. My eyes burn. I can’t get my mouth around any more words. I’m crying. I wipe at my eyes.
I’m furious. With Rosa, with my malfunctioning eyes, with David, with Sally.
I scream. Tears stream down my face. I’m shaking and screaming.
Then David is holding me, hugging me. He there-theres at me. It works.
We’re sitting on the couch, David looking at me, frowning. I feel empty. He hasn’t said a
nything. I have no idea what he’s thinking.
David pours me water, hands me the glass.
A dust mote drifts into the glass, then floats on the surface. Dead skin, probably, but I gulp down the water. Swallowing hurts.
‘When…’ David finally says, then looks down at his fingernails. The cuticles are ragged. When did they get like that? David always keeps his hands immaculate. It’s one of the many vanities Sally teases him about.
‘When what?’
‘How long have you thought,’ he says, pausing again, ‘this about Rosa?’
Fuck, I think. He doesn’t believe me.
I sink back, wipe my eyes. My throat burns. I’ve laid it out. I’m not sure I have any more words.
‘You’re tired,’ David says. ‘We can talk about this later.’
I shake my head. We have to talk about it now. We talk about it now or…I don’t know…or I’ll scream again and not stop screaming until we deal with the problem of Rosa.
‘You don’t believe me.’ My voice isn’t the croak I expect.
‘Of course I do.’ His voice sounds sure. ‘I always believe you, Che.’
‘You don’t always listen.’
He opens up his hands as if to say that’s fair. ‘How long have you thought something was wrong with her?’
‘Longer than I’ve been trying to get you to listen. But it was the guinea pig that freaked me out, and now this. She almost killed Seimone! Do you believe me?’
David moves his head briefly. A short nod. I think. But it could be a shake.
‘I started a journal, wrote down every weird thing she did. To see if I was imagining it. Then she started confiding in me. She knew that I knew.’
This one-sided conversation is making me tired.
‘Remember when she was killing insects? When you took her to the doctor? Back then I made her promise not to kill. So she stopped. Until she figured out a loophole: Apinya and her guinea pig, and now Seimone’s allergy. Rosa was laughing, David. Both times. Laughing.’
David’s looking at me the way a disinterested scientist would. Is he in shock?
‘I know this is hard to take in. I didn’t want to believe it either.’
He hugs me again, one-armed. I’m glad.
‘Do you believe me?’
His head moves again. It’s ambiguous.
‘When’s Sally coming home?’
‘Lisimaya was pretty upset. She’ll stay with her as long as she’s needed.’
I nod. ‘Right. I guess we can talk about it more when Sally gets back.’
‘Maybe tomorrow,’ David says, but his tone says maybe never.
‘You don’t believe me, do you?’
I’m crying again. What a waste of time.
‘I believe you,’ he says. ‘I know about Rosa. I’ve known for a long time.’
All the breath goes out of me. ‘Sally? Does Sally know?’ The hope in me is so big it burns.
He shakes his head. The movement is clear this time.
‘Not at all?’
‘We talk about Rosa. But Sally’s never said anything that makes me think she suspects anything worse than Rosa being socially awkward.’ He shakes his head again. ‘She’s said a lot that makes me think she doesn’t want to know.’
‘But you believe me.’
‘I believe you. Rosa isn’t normal.’
This dizziness I’m feeling is relief. David knows.
‘I try to talk about it with Sally. But she won’t listen. She talks about how young Rosa is. You’ve heard her.’
I have.
‘Then she changes the subject. So I watch Rosa. I talk to her. I’ve been doing what you’ve been doing.’
When? I want to ask him. How did I not see any of it? ‘You’ve been talking with Rosa about how she is?’
David nods. How did I not know?
‘We have to tell Sally.’
‘You can try,’ David says. ‘You have tried. Did she listen?’
‘But Rosa almost killed Seimone.’
‘She almost let her die. You’ve said it yourself: Rosa keeps promises. She’s never killed anything bigger than—’
‘A guinea pig.’
‘Right.’
‘I think we need to tell Sally.’
‘Go right ahead.’
‘She needs to know.’
‘I think Sally does know. She won’t admit it to herself. She doesn’t want to believe there’s anything wrong with Rosa. She…’
‘What?’
‘She wanted a daughter. She hoped you would be a girl. She loves you, Che, but she always wanted a daughter. Then Rosa came along and wasn’t what she expected. Sally loves you more than Rosa. You’re more like her than Rosa is, but she can’t admit that to herself. She can’t admit that Rosa is the way Rosa is. I think mostly she can’t because Rosa’s a girl. In Sally’s mind men are violent – like I was. Women aren’t.’
‘She hates that I box.’
David nods. ‘It reminds her of how I used to be. I’ve tried to talk to Sally about Rosa, Che. She doesn’t even want to think about it. Sally talks about everything.’
It’s true. Sally is a relentless communicator about everything except Rosa.
‘She’s not ready. She can’t believe the evidence in front of her own eyes.’
I didn’t think I was ready, or that I’ve ever been ready to deal with what Rosa is, yet somehow I do.
‘Why does Sally get this time? I’ve dealt with it on my own. She’s decades older than I am.’
‘You were born old,’ David says.
I have the strongest desire to punch him.
‘Have you told the McBrunights about Rosa?’
David shakes his head.
I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. ‘Seimone’s not safe. Maya’s not safe. Leilani’s not safe. Rosa’s said she wishes Maya and Leilani were dead. They need to know.’
‘She won’t kill anyone.’
‘How can you be sure?’
‘Because she knows what the consequences are. She’s not stupid.’
‘No, she’s not. But she is impulsive.’
‘Not the way she used to be. Rosa’s improving.’
‘Do you believe that?’
‘Yes. Also, telling anyone could be disastrous, Che. It could destroy our family.’
His phone rings. ‘It’s Sally.’
I pull out my phone. Loads of messages, but the battery’s low. I realise I’ve been recording this whole time. I turn it off and check the messages.
From Leilani:
—This was Rosa, wasn’t it? Seimone’s saying she wanted to see what would happen. That she made Rosa promise to use the auto-injector. Mom is furious. Sally and Dad are trying to calm her down. Seimone won’t stop crying. She would never have done this before she met Rosa.
‘Well,’ I say, when David finishes talking to Sally, ‘Leilani says Seimone claims it was her idea.’ I read out the text.
‘Sally said the same thing.’
I stand up, walk to the window. David knew. Rosa knew that David knew. Neither of them told me. They’ve both been lying to me for years.
I need to not be here.
‘I’m going for a run.’
I open the door. Rosa is standing there. She doesn’t pretend she hasn’t been listening.
She looks from David to me, then back again.
‘I told you I didn’t do anything wrong. It was Seimone’s idea. She wanted to see what would happen.’
‘Why didn’t you say that?’ I ask.
‘She made me promise not to tell. But now you know. I didn’t touch the peanut butter, Seimone did. She’s never tasted it, you see. Not that she remembers. We watched the video three more times so I wouldn’t mess up injecting her. I think Seimone was hoping nothing would happen. She doesn’t like being allergic. I’m glad I’m not.’
‘But you didn’t use the auto-injector!’ I meant to say it, not yell it.
David puts his hand up.
‘I
told you: I was about to, but then you grabbed it from me. I didn’t get a chance.’
I look at David. He’s watching Rosa.
‘We’re still friends. You saw, Che. Seimone hugged me. She texted too.’ Rosa holds out her phone. ‘Seimone realises it was a silly thing to do. I told her that before she did it. I can show you the text. She understands how serious her allergy is now. She’s learned her lesson.’
There it is: the Rosa smile.
‘Seimone is my very best friend. I’d do anything for her.’
‘Then you won’t let anything like this happen to her again, will you?’ David says.
Rosa shakes her head.
‘Do you promise?’
‘I promise, David. If someone is in trouble I will help them. Just like you do.’
She’s arranged her face into an expression of sincerity.
‘We both heard you make that promise,’ I say, which is when it hits me again: David knows. I don’t have to have these conversations with Rosa alone anymore. I don’t have to deal with her by myself ever again.
David’s phone rings. While he takes the call I stare at Rosa, not knowing what to say. How long has David known about her?
‘He won’t let you tell the McBrunights. Not because of Sally, but because it will ruin their business. Then they’ll be truly skint.’
David’s on the phone. He hasn’t heard.
‘How long has David known about you?’
‘Known what?’ she asks innocently.
‘That you’re not like him. That you’re—’
‘I’m exactly like David,’ she says. ‘None of us are normal. Our whole family. You, me, David, Sally. Like Sally says, we’re different.’
‘Seimone’s asking for you, Rosa,’ David says.
Rosa holds her hand out for the phone. David slips it into his pocket.
‘Seimone’s home. She wants you to stay the night with her. She doesn’t want to be alone.’
‘Don’t she and her twin share a room?’ I ask.
‘Not anymore,’ Rosa says. ‘I’m going upstairs to pack.’
‘You’re okay with that?’ I ask David. I can’t believe David’s okay with that.
David nods. ‘We’ll both be there. The McBrunights will be there. We’ll be checking on both Seimone and Rosa. Come too? I’m sure Leilani will be pleased to see you.’
I shake my head.
My Sister Rosa Page 24