‘It does, though, doesn’t it?’ Gene’s shouting. Everyone’s asking questions. The lawyers jump in, trying to calm things down. Dr Gupta patiently tells them all the things I’ve learned about what makes us who we are. She says we’re not just our brain morphology. It’s so weird hearing someone else say it that I stop listening.
I stare at the darkness in my brain.
Dr Gupta explains our checklist results. Rosa scored much higher than Seimone or I did.
I don’t feel vindicated. My brain is full of darkness, too.
I’m not who I thought I was.
I almost laugh.
But it’s not funny. I’m not a monster.
Have I been deluding myself? Do I feel what I think I feel? Do I have empathy? How can a brain with such darkness feel what I feel?
‘You’re sure there’s no mistake about my scan?’
‘You’re not your brain,’ Dr Gupta says.
I stare at her. I know that’s not true.
‘You’re not only your brain,’ she amends.
Gene and Lisimaya and the lawyers keep arguing. Sally hasn’t said a word.
The darkness in my scan isn’t going anywhere, no matter how I hard I stare.
Rosa takes my hand in hers. I’ve been so mesmerised by my scan I don’t know how she’s responded to her diagnosis.
‘You’re just like me,’ she says.
The McBrunights want us to sign a document their lawyers are drawing up to guarantee we won’t go near them or their children again. In return they’ll fly us home to Sydney.
Rosa says she won’t sign. Seimone is her best friend. Seimone doesn’t say a word.
Ilene buys us time to think about it.
I go to the gym because I can’t deal with any of it.
I train hard, but I have little energy. I text Sojourner to ask about her mom. I would love to see her, if only for a few minutes.
I can’t stop thinking about my brain.
Jaime shows up to spar. She nods at me, but doesn’t move over to talk.
I go to her. ‘Hey,’ I say. ‘How’s Sojourner doing? Any news about her mom? I know they were at the hospital today.’
‘I’m fine. Thanks for asking.’
‘Sorry. I…I miss her. It’s been…’ I trail off.
‘Fucked up,’ Jaime says. ‘What happened is totally fucked up. We’re freaked out. Veronica’s a basket case. Leilani’s kinda shut down. She hooked up with Veronica, then told her she never wants to see her again. She won’t talk to Elon. Her kid sister died, was maybe killed—’ Jaime stops, clearly remembering I’m one of the people who might have killed her. ‘What happened, Che?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say.
Jaime’s look is both sceptical and cutting. I flinch.
‘Maya,’ I begin, then have to pause. Saying her name hurts. ‘Maya was beside me. She was carrying her tennis bag. It was really big, heavy. I asked if she wanted me to carry it, but she wouldn’t let me. We were waiting for the lights to change, then she was…she went flying. I thought someone bumped her bag, but they’re saying…’
‘You didn’t push her,’ Jaime says. It’s a statement, not a question. I’m relieved. ‘Leilani thinks your little sister’s a psycho. It’s fucked. The whole thing is fucked.’
I nod. I don’t tell her that Rosa is a psychopath. I don’t tell her my father’s one too. That I…I don’t tell her about the brain scans.
I spar against a new guy. He’s not as good as he thinks he is.
I decide to show him how not-good he is. Dido doesn’t have to yell at me to throw a punch. I throw all of them. Fast and hard, but not as precise as they should be.
I want to kill him.
Dido shouts something I don’t hear. I’ve got this guy in the corner, alternating between destroying his kidneys and his head. His blocks and parries are rubbish. I’m hitting him as hard as I can. It feels amazing.
‘Dial it back, Che.’ Dido pulls at my shoulders, stepping between us. ‘Are you listening to me? This is not a championship bout. Stop going so hard.’
I start the rotation that leads to a right cross and check the movement just in time.
Woah. I almost punched Dido.
Was that the dark space in my brain? Am I turning into David?
‘Shit,’ I say, stepping back, blinking. ‘Sorry. I’m sorry.’
‘Are you okay, Nate?’ she asks the guy I was pounding on.
The guy says that he is. Dido undoes his headgear, checks his face. ‘Your nose is bleeding. Go get cleaned up and put some ice on it. I’ll check you in five.’
The guy nods. Dido turns to me.
‘You better be sorry,’ she says, taking my head in her hands, looking straight into my eyes. I’ve never seen her like this. ‘Do not bring your anger into this ring. Do not bring your anger into this gym. Do you hear me, Che? You’re here to spar, not commit murder.’
I nod, breathing hard. She’s right. I was angry. I was out of control.
‘I hear you. I’m sorry, Dido. I’m really sorry.’
She lets go and steps back, shaking her head.
I’m scared that I’m David. But I’m not. I didn’t hit Dido.
I crack my neck in both directions. Dido is not David. That guy is not David. Neither of them are my enemy.
‘Are you okay?’
I nod.
‘You better go apologise to Nate. You were out of line.’
I nod.
‘You pull any shit like that again, Che, you are out of this gym. You hear me?’
‘Yes, Dido. I’m sorry.’
Jaime sees the whole thing. I wonder what she’ll tell Sojourner.
When I take my gloves off my knuckles are red and starting to purple.
I sit on the mat watching the other bouts, telling myself I’m not like David. If I was, I’d’ve been on the verge of punching someone every day. But I haven’t – not once in seventeen years.
My phone buzzes. It’s Ilene. They’ve found footage. Seimone pushed Maya.
When I come out from my shower Leilani is sitting on the bench outside the change room, tapping away on her phone. She must have asked Jaime where I was. She’s wearing a vivid blue suit with red piping and a matching hat. She’s made up and looks amazing. She doesn’t normally wear this much make-up.
It’s because of her that I notice what’s she’s wearing and know what piping is.
‘Hi, Leilani.’
She looks at me. The make-up doesn’t hide her grief.
I feel the rush of words – the explanation – everything I want to say about David, about what I’ve learned about his and Sally’s relationship, about my fucked-up family. But I don’t know where to begin.
I’m so sorry, I don’t say, because the words have stopped meaning anything. How the fuck is my sorrow going to change anything?
My backpack is slung over my shoulder and the T-shirt I’m wearing is frayed. My trackpants are thin at the knees. I look like I’ve rended my clothes. If it’d help I would.
‘I can’t text what I want to say, so I had to come find you.’
I nod.
‘Will you walk with me? I have an art gallery opening, but I don’t need to be on time.’
I can’t believe she’s going to an opening so soon after…
We walk past the boxing rings and I think of the first time I saw Sojourner fighting. Right there in the one closest to the entrance. She looked so beautiful. I think I fell for her then before we’d said a word, which is ridiculous.
Out on Houston Street it’s all horns and blaring music from slow-moving cars.
‘They found footage,’ Leilani says. ‘Did they tell you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Maya said it wasn’t you. She said she was pushed from the other side. She was afraid it was Seimone.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I say.
‘I could use a drink,’ Leilani says. ‘But dressed like this I’m too recognisable.’
We go into a cafe on Clin
ton Street. It’s Cuban, painted in the colours of the flag; the blue matches Leilani’s suit.
‘The olds won’t let me see you. They’re stupid. They want to give me and Seimone bodyguards. They want me to start behaving like a teenager, not a proto-adult.’ She mimics Gene perfectly. ‘Even though they’re the ones who brought your family into our lives.’
I flush. ‘Your parents are making us leave.’
‘I know about the scans, Che,’ Leilani says at the same time. ‘I don’t believe you’re like Rosa. You can’t be like Rosa.’
She wants me to prove it to her. I babble about environment, about the differences between me and Rosa.
‘I think it’s your dad,’ Leilani says. ‘I think he’s like Rosa. They both make the hairs on my arms stand on end. If they did a scan of his chest they’d find a black hole. I’ve seen the way Rosa looks at him, but he’s too smart to return her little conspiratorial glances.’
I’m staring at her.
‘What?’
‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
She gives her efficient half shrug. ‘I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know if it was just because I don’t like him.’
‘I didn’t realise until today. I’m such an idiot. I thought he loved me.’
‘Che,’ Leilani says.
‘He is like Rosa. I think my whole fucking family is.’
‘Not Sally,’ Leilani says.
‘No. But my uncle, my papa. Fuck, Leilani. I’m one of the fucking Borgias.’
Leilani explodes with her awful snort-laugh. ‘I always thought my olds were the Borgias!’
Then I’m laughing too, because Leilani’s laugh is like nothing in the world and it’s too much. What else can we do?
We calm down as the coffee is placed in front of us. The waiter grins, wanting to join in the fun we’re obviously having.
I take a sip. The coffee’s very strong and very sweet. Exactly what I need. There’s cake too, but neither of us touches it.
‘I don’t have to live with them,’ Leilani says. ‘I can afford to move out, so I’m going to. I can’t pretend to give a shit about them anymore. I was only staying for the twins. Now Maya’s…I could take Seimone with me.’
‘How is Seimone?’ It’s a stupid question. How could she be?
‘She’s not speaking.’
‘To you?’
Leilani shakes her head. ‘To anyone. Not since Maya died. I don’t think she’s even talking to Rosa.’
I doubt that. Rosa won’t let Seimone go that easily. I reach across the table to squeeze Leilani’s hand. I’m weighed down by Rosa being my sister, and David my father.
‘Seimone won’t be arrested.’
‘Of course not. Even if she wasn’t a minor. No one can prove Seimone meant to kill Maya. She didn’t! If the bike hadn’t been there…Maya wouldn’t just be alive, she probably wouldn’t have worse than bruises.’
‘Rosa says it was an accident.’
‘From the psycho child’s mouth, so it must be true. On this I believe her. If the plan was to kill Maya, then it was a shitty plan. I guess Rosa got lucky.’
‘It’s so fucked.’
‘Yeah. Seimone’s therapy is going to be daily from now on. That’s the olds’ solution to everything. Throw money at it. God, Che. I can’t deal with them anymore. I have to be there for Seimone, but I can’t be there. I can’t stay in that mausoleum. I don’t want to lose both my sisters.’
‘There’s hope for Seimone,’ I say. ‘At least her brain’s wired right.’
Leilani snorts. ‘You’re not like them, Che. You have the right instincts. Watch David. He doesn’t. Do you think he’d squeeze my hand like that? Have been texting me to see if I’m okay?’
I shake my head. He’s a lot better at it than Rosa, but it’s still learned. He’s never as quick to hug Rosa or me as Sally is. I always put it down to him being a man.
‘You have friends. I see how often you text with them. I see you around Elon and Jaime and Veronica. I know what our friendship feels like. It’s real. Not the weird approximation that’s all Rosa and David can manage.
‘I slept with Veronica. You know I dumped her again? I went to her place last night because I wanted someone to hold me. But it was worse than being alone. Everything she says and does is wrong.’
I wonder if I’ll feel the same way about Sojourner. I won’t.
‘I told her to fuck off. Forever. Does that make me like Rosa?’
She’s joking. I manage half a smile. ‘Never. You’re as far from Rosa as it’s possible to be. Did I ever tell you that when I first met you I was worried you were like her?’
‘Because I was mean?’
‘Uh huh. But you were too nice to Maya, and Rosa creeped you out, and—’
‘And what?’
‘You seemed, I dunno, vulnerable? Your face shows everything you’re thinking. Not like Rosa’s.’
‘Or David’s. Hey, at least we’ve learned to avoid anyone who’s good at poker.’
‘Hah. Definitely noted. I realised you weren’t like her pretty fast.’
‘So much for my cool exterior. I was a bit of a bitch that day. Sorry about that.’
‘You were funny. I liked you straight away.’
Leilani puts her empty coffee cup down and signals for another. ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen.’
‘Me neither.’ My throat hurts again with the weight of those tears I can’t let loose.
‘It hurts. Maya’s absence. I can feel it all over my body,’ Leilani whispers. Her eyes are wet. ‘I don’t know how to get through this.’
I nod and try to blink away my own tears. Maya’s dead and even though I didn’t push her it’s my fault.
‘The funeral’s tomorrow,’ she says. ‘I’m sorry.’
She doesn’t have to explain that we’re not invited, but I wish I could go. I wish I could say goodbye. I want to tell Leilani that Maya was a great kid, but she’ll be hearing that all day tomorrow. It will hurt.
‘It’s okay,’ I say instead. None of this is okay. ‘I keep wishing,’ I begin. ‘I wish it had been Rosa instead.’
‘Me too. I hate her.’ There’s no fury in her words.
I’m not sure Rosa’s death would make much difference, because David would still be here.
‘Did you know that they’re completely skint?’ I say before remembering skint is Rosa’s word. ‘Your parents bankrolled us.’
‘Everything?’
‘Pretty much. They’re even paying for our lawyers. How fucked up is that?’
‘Very. I wonder what your parents have over mine?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’ve never seen them do anything like what they’ve done for your family. Like, ever. They do charity on a big scale: end malaria, save the starving children, not bail out old college friends. What’s in it for the olds? Nothing that I can see.’
‘They’ve known each other forever…’ I trail off. ‘Whatever it is, they’ve decided we’re even now. They’re turning the tap off.’
‘I’m sorry. You have to get away from your family, Che. They’re even more fucked up than mine. Do you have somewhere to go?’
‘I have aunts. Sally’s sisters. I’ll be okay.’ I don’t want to leave New York. I can’t leave Sojourner.
‘If you need help, let me know.’
I nod. But asking Leilani for help after my sister killed hers? I can’t.
‘We both have to get away,’ she says. ‘Promise me you will? You don’t owe Rosa anything.’
I reach across the table to squeeze her hand again, and that hurts too.
CHAPTER FORTY
When I get home Sally is sitting on the couch drinking wine. David must be in the office.
‘How are you?’ Sally asks. She puts down her wine and hugs me hard. ‘I’m sorry. About everything. So much of this is my fault. But I’m going to fix it.’
‘How?’ I say when I should have said, No, it isn’t. But I’m not sure how
true that is.
Sally takes another sip of wine. The bottle on the coffee table is more than half empty.
‘Ilene told me,’ I say. ‘About Seimone.’
‘Yes.’ Sally’s eyes are wet. ‘It’s awful. Poor Seimone.’
Rosa marches downstairs, her chin up. She’s wearing her white dress with the blue sash and holding her Shirley Temple handbag.
‘Are you ready?’ she asks Sally.
Sally nods, takes the last sip of her wine, rinses the glass and puts it in the dishwasher.
‘Ready to what?’ I ask. ‘It’s late. Where are you going?’
Sally looks at Rosa. Rosa shakes her head.
‘She’s not talking to you, Che. I’m sorry. We’ll tell you when we get back.’
Sally gives me a quick hug. ‘We’re fixing things. I promise.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘It means things will get better.’ She kisses my forehead. ‘There’s stew on the stove if you’re hungry. It’s out of a tin, but it’s not bad.’
‘I ate already,’ I lie.
Then they’re out the door.
I pull my phone out to text Leilani. There’s one from Sojourner:
—I can see you now.
It’s from twenty minutes ago.
—Yes! Now? I text back.
I text Leilani what just happened. —No idea what Rosa’s up to.
No response. I hope the art gallery thing is distracting her. I’m more anxious for Sojourner to respond. I’m watching the phone the way I watch a sparring partner in the ring. I almost drop it when it buzzes.
—Meet me outside my place in ten.
I run.
Sojourner slips out of her apartment building less than a minute after I get there. She must have watched for me from their kitchen window. She leans against the door, her hands behind her back. She looks leaner than I remember. Her big fight. It must be soon.
‘Cutting?’ I ask.
‘Yeah. I’m so hungry all I can think about is food. Fight’s in two days.’
I should have known that.
‘Do you feel ready?’
She pushes off from the door and walks towards the river. I match her stride but make sure I don’t walk too close. The air is still and hot. Sweat runs down my back.
My Sister Rosa Page 32