by Naomi Niles
I had to think of Kirk and what was best for him, but I needed to have my head on straight when I went through this. I couldn’t tell Blake about Kirk unless I was absolutely sure it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t tell Jill either; God knows she’d find a way to make a buck out of it. It was simply who she was.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now. Tell Judas I said good-bye and not to spend all her pieces of gold in one place. I sent her some money, Blake. So that you know she has it. Make sure she uses it to help herself, improve herself and hopefully get a decent place of her own.”
“I know … I gave her money, too.”
“Jesus! Blake, why did you do that? She’s nothing to you. She’s not your responsibility.”
“It’s only money, Silver. If all you ever want from life is money, that’s the easiest thing to get.”
I wished I’d had that bit of wisdom when I was dead broke and first in Dallas. I’d been dependent on Jill at that point and that was hardly the place I wanted to be then, or to return to now.
“Okay, I’m hanging up now. I’ll be in touch.”
“Goodbye, Silver.”
“Bye, Blake.”
I clicked the phone off and that’s when the sobs began to go through me like an earthquake fault. I felt like I was falling apart. I was so torn. Here I had my son, our son, and there was the man I loved and my half-sister, for what she was worth. No matter what, they were the closest thing I had to family and now, here I was, planning on how to open a new business and permanently build a life in a town far away from both of them. I knew Jill could never live with me; we’d kill each other.
I asked myself if I could live with Blake, and with our son. I already knew the answer to that.
Chapter 18
Blake
Management went ahead and ordered an autopsy on Chaos. They didn’t want to share the outcome with me, but I pretty much elbowed my way in, made some idle threats, and eventually they let me see it. Just as I had suspected, his blood analysis showed he been given a high dose of amphetamines. I knew these things happened. They were part of the industry. The question in my mind came and what I considered whether this was a deliberately timed act in order to ruin my reputation just that last little bit, as if there was much left to ruin in the first place.
It was times like these that I questioned what I was doing in the industry at all. I knew the answer; it was essentially because it’s all I knew how to do. I think that was what lay behind the drinking. I had so few options and so little time to redeem myself. It was one of those moments when a man must confront himself in the mirror and realize there is only himself looking back.
At the same time, I was in love with a woman who went to great lengths to disappear. Trying to reconcile the collapse of my career, and the idea that she did not love me in the way that I loved her, was more than I could handle at that moment. If I had known why she left, it might have been easier. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I overpower her needs? Did I make decisions on her behalf when she wanted to make them on her own? Had I, in some strange way, used her to make myself feel better? The answers may never come; and yet they may come in a way I refuse to acknowledge them.
Talking to her on the telephone had brought back a flood of memories. Even though she hadn’t been in my world very long, the imprint she left behind was massive. Perhaps it was because I felt I failed at a relationship, and at my profession simultaneously. I had never placed great value on relationships before. The women my life came and left with irregular regularity, if such a thing was possible.
This was the one woman I wanted to keep in my life. I guess I never learned how to do that properly. I believed that women love to receive gifts, so I bought her a car. She seemed pleased enough, but perhaps her enough was not the same as mine. I thought women loved attention. Yet her involvement was all about bringing attention toward me and away from herself. There was, I suppose, a certain nobility in that, but I had to remember that I placed her in that position. I thought women liked to be admired for their beauty. There was no question she was a beautiful woman; perhaps the most beautiful I had ever known in my entire life. Yet, when I called attention to it, she seemed uncomfortable. She was a beautiful woman who didn’t want to admit it. There was something there she was hiding, I knew it. I was hoping Jill would open that door for me so that I would understand Silver better. I would do anything to have her return again.
That was when it struck me. Perhaps she saw what I had not. My life was an assembly of paper dolls and ludicrous dreams. The women had been shallow, but numerous. The wins had mattered more than the ethics of the industry or my value as a human being. I had let the fame take over and drive for me. I wasn’t even able to handle that well. There was so much to look back upon and see as mistakes. I wanted very badly to somehow justify all that had happened: the drinking, the women, the late nights, the things I knew went on in the background and did nothing about.
Silver had me convinced for a while that I might be part of the solution. Her risky scheme of making the industry look worse than me personally, could have paid off in the long run. I would have been the equivalent of an industry whistleblower. I would’ve lost my friends, the only people I knew, and my way of life.
Then there always was that chance that it could have all turned out well. Perhaps I would have been seen as the savior of the industry. My fans may have identified with me as wanting to reduce the cruelty to the animals, the fixed winds, the backslapping machinations of crooked money. I could’ve also ended up dead, at the receiving end of a bullet or knife while walking in a crowd of people. All things were possible when Silver was with me. I wanted her back, but I also wanted out of bull riding. The question became whether I could have both, and if I could not, which one did I want more?
I thought it would make Silver happy if I took her sister in and gave her a real home. It may not be forever, and it may not even be pleasant, but at least I’m making an effort to see beyond my own needs. That, in itself, was a major change in attitude. I wished with all my heart that it was Silver who was moving back in, instead of her sister.
I began to consider other things that I could do to make a living. Everything centered on the rodeo industry. Or did it? Silver had asked me if I had any hobbies. At the time I thought that a rather ridiculous question. Who could afford a hobby when your life was consumed with breaking bones, a multitude of women, and gallons of whiskey? I see now she was trying to make a point.
I tried to imagine what Silver would tell me to do with my life. Although she was not as worldly as one might think, coming from a big city, she did seem to understand what it felt like to be at the bottom. I had to admire her for clawing her way through a profession that was filled with far more competition than I ever come across. Her words were judged not by reviewing stands of loving fans, but by critics and competitors who were out to prove her wrong. That took guts to stand up to. Did I have that kind of guts?
I did own a ranch. There was that. It wasn’t large enough to hold enough livestock to really compete. Cattle ranching was big business now and there was no place for a little guy like me. There was a question whether there might be oil beneath my property. I really wasn’t bankrolled to go looking for it, and my place wasn’t big enough to hold too much even if there was. Better move to Plan B.
I considered that many of my fans were young boys. Just as I had been at their age, I looked up to the cowboys. He represented a man’s man. He represented courage and strength and endurance. My fans looked up at me and thought these things, or at least they used to. I wondered if I might offer some sort of day camp for kids, perhaps those who were underprivileged. There wouldn’t be much money in it, I’d probably have to scout out a few sponsors to even break even. There was no question, however, that it would be a rewarding career, if you could call it that.
I thought about working the rodeo circuit in a different capacity. Could the world’s leader in bull riding see himself in a clown suit wrestling
the bull away from his former competitors? I didn’t think so. All of this thinking was depressing me I felt the urge to find a bottle. I knew if I did that, it would be the beginning of my end, and I wasn’t quite ready to give up yet.
I decided that for once in my life, just perhaps I would ask the advice of others. Silver had promised to come by and visit soon. Could I wait that long? Could I humble myself before her and ask her opinion and her help? I knew I could. It was what she offered all along. It was me who had taken more.
So for now, I would wait.
Chapter 11
Meli
I was preparing for yet another change in my life. This time I was preparing change for two people: Kirk and myself.
I packed what few possessions I had and loaded them into a small trailer which I pulled behind my car. Kirk and I drove to Baton Rouge and I could feel the anticipation of change in my stomach. I had so many details to see to. I tried to remind myself that money was not a consideration, but money never had been a consideration for me. It had always been about triumph; always been about the game.
I stopped to give some thought to how far I’d come in the past two years. I had been a hopeful journalism student, imagining my name on the front page of The New York Times. And here I was, driving a car with a tiny child and headed to an ancient mansion in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was about to embark on opening a second restaurant, the first having been very successful, but not entirely due to my own efforts. How life took its turns.
I thought about the man I had left behind. When I had spoken to him on the phone I could hear his longing for the times that we had spent together. It would’ve taken very little coercion at that moment for me to throw my arms in the air and say, “I’m on my way!” But I had kept silent. I did not tell him about his child. I did not tell him where I was. I did not tell him about my new life, the wealth I now controlled, the house I was about to move into. There was so much I had not told him. I never told him that I loved him.
I was not yet thirty years-old and already I knew that life would be a series of regrets. Each would add yet another building block to the wall against which you could lean when things went badly in your life. You could tell yourself I’ll get through this, I’ve done it before. Was that all I really wanted?
As Kirk and I pulled down the street where our new old house lived, he spotted children playing outside and began chattering enthusiastically. I realized then that I was opening his opportunities to a happy life by moving to a larger city. Yes, Baton Rouge had its problems. All bigger cities did. Sometimes those problems were lessons in disguise. I hope that was the case this time around.
I arrived at the house and began carrying in a few possessions, handing my purse to Kirk so that he felt he was being helpful. We unlocked the massive double doors and went inside. I began throwing open windows to try and gain a breeze in the stifling heat of its musty interior. At the top of my list was the notation to call a company to come in and install air-conditioning and probably a new furnace into the house. I could afford to be comfortable now, and Kirk needed to remain healthy.
He and I explored the house together, hand-in-hand. I let him choose the room he wanted to claim as his own, which happened to be right next door to the room I had already claimed. I knew he wanted to be close by, but felt that he was now a big boy and should have some privacy of his own. I recognized myself in him, and could remember feeling that way when I was his age, but I did not have the opportunities that he had now.
We took stock of what we had and then went downstairs and sat on the floor with a pad of paper and pencil and made a list of the things that we wanted. Many of these things could be purchased locally, and some would need to be ordered. I went online with my laptop and ordered many items, selecting overnight shipping for the bulk of them. It would be far easier for the man in brown to bring these to the door than it would be for Kirk and I to explore the sometimes dangerous areas of town in order to find the things that we needed.
I realized then I needed to set up some sort of daycare for Kirk. While he and I were very close, there would be times when he couldn’t accompany me, especially as I built the business. Using my cell phone Yellow Pages, I located an employment agency and requested to interview nannies. It seemed strange that I should be in such a position, but necessity had placed me here, and opportunity had given me the means with which to pay for it. Kirk and I assembled the meager blankets and pillows we had brought with us on the floor of the main room where the breeze was coolest and the heat would rise to the upper floors of the building. We had brought fat flashlights, a small supply of food, and after eating to our heart’s content, we settled back and told stories. I discovered my son had quite an imagination, and this gave me immeasurable pride. I encouraged him to use his imagination, to tell me stories, no matter how silly or improbable they might be. Children lived in a world where everything was probable, everything was possible. I envied him his innocence; I wished I still had some of my own.
Eventually we drifted off to sleep and were awakened early the next morning as the sun poured in through the now opened drapes and window. I could hear the sounds of children playing outside and Kirk ran to the window, kneeling on the small footstool and watching the children riding bikes up and down the sidewalk. The area seemed safe enough and I made a mental note that he should have his own bicycle very soon. I would have to teach him how to ride it. He shouldn’t have any problem; children seem to know how to do these things instinctively. I had never owned a bicycle. There was no room for such things in New York City.
My phone rang and it was Marie. She wanted to know how we had fared overnight and if there was anything she could do to help us. I missed her and her insightful ramblings about what I was doing each day.
We talked for a while, anxious to keep the thread of communication and friendship alive between us. We talked about my opening a second location of the restaurant, Maudie’s Café. She asked whether I would like her to come down and help me scout for a location. I told her while I appreciated her offer, it was more important to me that she stay and keep the original café running as usual. I would find my way through this on my own.
The man in brown began coming with our packages not long thereafter and Kirk and I busied ourselves putting things away. After lunch we climbed into the car and found a few furniture stores where we selected bedroom suites, living room furniture, kitchen set, dining room set, and various odds and ends pieces to somewhat fill the cavernous house in which we now lived.
I began interviewing nannies and found one in particular whom I really liked. She was a college student locally, and her name was Sarah. Sarah was looking for a situation where she could trade room and board for childcare. This worked perfectly for me because it allowed me to have another adult in the house. This made me feel far safer and gave me a backup in case something happened and I could not look after Kirk. Unlike a married couple, I was left on my own to raise a child and it was, indeed, a weighty responsibility.
I offered Sarah the position and she enthusiastically accepted. She had a compact car and apparently everything she owned was locked in its trunk. I helped her carry things in and made a note that we would have to find a bedroom suite for her as well. In the interim, I would put the mattress from Kirk’s bed in her room.
We ate dinner and afterwards went shopping for a bedroom suite for her. She was concerned about the financial aspect of our arrangement and chose something very inexpensive. “I’d like you to buy something really nice,” I told her. “Don’t worry about the expense; I can afford it.”
“That’s very kind of you,” she said. “If you’re sure …”
“I am absolutely certain.”
She changed her mind a couple of times and finally settled on a shabby-chic arrangement that included a queen-size bed, a triple dresser, a chest of drawers, a small vanity with matching chair, and a white rocker. I envied her the choices she made, as they were youthful and a bit fanciful. What I had
chosen was more traditional. I wondered why I had done that and realized that in my mind, I had become a mother and a businesswoman. In some ways that was very sad because I had let go of the young girl in her dreams. That I realized that I was living the life I wanted to earn, instead of the life that had been given to me through Maudie’s generosity.
Once the three of us had all settled into our rooms, we began to establish a norm, at least one that applied to us. Sarah was an orphan, and I could relate to that. Perhaps I had sensed that in her initially and that was what had drawn us together. Nevertheless, she seemed very bright and was enthusiastic when I told her of my plans. She and Kirk got along well and together the three of us would go and inspect the local schools before it came time for him to begin. In this way she could help by providing the preparation for kindergarten when that time approached.
In the back of my mind was my promise to Blake. I knew that seeing him again would be inevitable. After we had settled into our new house for a couple of weeks, I told Sarah that I was going to take a short trip and would be gone for probably three days. She had no problems with that. We stocked the kitchen and explained to Kirk that Mommy was taking a little vacation. He didn’t understand that concept, but as long as Sarah would be there with him, he felt safe and probably would miss me very little.
On the next morning, I loaded my car, stopped off at a beauty salon, and had my hair done, a manicure, and pedicure. This gave me the courage I needed to see Blake again. Perhaps it was not courage needed to see him, so much as to leave him.
As I approached Dallas, I was impressed once again with its skyline. In many ways I wished I could bring Kirk there to live. It would be a much better environment for him, but for now my business lay in Baton Rouge.
As we approached the ranch, I felt trepidation in my stomach. I wondered if Blake would be at home. I wondered if Jill was living there yet. I wondered so many things.