by Nate Crowley
Copyright
HarperVoyager
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2020
Copyright © Nate Crowley 2020
Maps by Nicolette Caven
Graphic icons and infographics © Shutterstock.com
Cover illustration © Rob Ball/The Artworks Ltd
Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2020
Nate Crowley asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
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Source ISBN: 9780008306861
Ebook Edition © July 2020 ISBN: 9780008306878
Version: 2020-09-29
Dedication
For Thalassa
I hope you find magic wherever you look.
CONTENTS
COVER
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
KEY TO SYMBOLS
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
INTRODUCTION
EDITORIAL NOTE
MITTELVELDE
EROICA CITY
SPUME
CHUGHOLME
SPACE
GRONDORRA
MUNDANIA AND WHIMSICALIA
WASTELAND
WEST
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
FOOTNOTES
AFTERWORD
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
ABOUT THE PUBLISHER
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
As you will know, for a short period some years ago, hundreds of new planets became accessible to mankind. The Worlds, as they were called, were places where magic appeared to be real; where humans lived alongside strange creatures, and where the impossible was commonplace. Until last year, it was thought that not a single piece of travel writing about the Worlds had survived. And then, in a filing cabinet acquired from the bankruptcy of a small London vanity press, we found Notes From Small Planets. It was the work of one Floyd Watt, a former diplomat, journalist and television personality, who had hoped to rekindle his fame with this extraordinary travel guide. But Floyd fell into a bitter dispute with his editor, Eliza Salt, and just eight chapters into his work, he went missing. Eliza herself disappeared two weeks later, and shortly after, the Worlds themselves vanished. Floyd, Eliza and Notes were all forgotten.
At least now, incomplete though it is, this work has finally seen the light of day. For fidelity’s sake, we have reproduced Floyd and Eliza’s marginalia as footnotes; their robust exchange of views only add colour to an already vivid account, of lands at once exotic and strangely familiar. In the pages that follow, you will learn about the cultures, the landscapes and the histories of eight worlds we shall never visit again. We’ve even taken the liberty of including excerpts from Floyd’s own notebooks, and commissioned maps and illustrations based on his own … spirited sketches. Floyd might not be the chronicler we would have chosen for these lands, but he’s what we’ve got. And though we can’t follow physically in his footsteps, we have done all we can to make the journey as easy as possible for the mind’s eye. So, bon voyage: and as Floyd himself was so fond of saying, ‘Don’t think about any of it too hard’.
— Happy travels
INTRODUCTION
by Floyd Watt
Hail traveller, and well met!
I wanted to start by telling you a little about myself and my career. However, I can’t, since my esteemed editor Ms Eliza Salt has cut the lot, on the basis that this was ‘a guidebook, not [my] fucking autobiography’. Charming.[1] It was only sixteen pages – barely touching on my diplomatic work, let alone my time in the national press – but there we go. No point in crying over spilt life lessons, eh?
No indeed, reader. Why dawdle in what’s gone before, when there’s so much ahead of you? And gosh, there is a lot ahead. The Worlds are … well. People say a lot of things about the Worlds, but as with so many things in life, the best way to find out is to jump in without really listening to what anyone says, and learn by getting your hands well and truly dirty.
That’s been my modus operandi ever since my school days at Saint Beef’s Academy for the Brave (ah, halcyon youth …), and it’s always seen me land on my feet, no matter how dicey the situation. Whether by my charm, wits or wealth of ‘street smarts’,[2] I’ve made my way safely through every one of my globe-trotting adventures. And now, intrepid reader, all of that hard-fought experience is yours to draw on, via this handy little volume.
Before you do dive head-first into the Worlds, however, I will offer you one stern word of warning. While you’ll find much in the Worlds to delight, tantalise and inspire, you’ll also find plenty of unsavoury elements: dirty places, nasty people and repulsive customs. If you’ve any sense, you’ll know to pluck the best from what’s on offer and ignore the muck. Luckily, I’ve walked the path before you, so you can rely on me to separate the baddies from the goodies, and steer you away from less-pleasant locales.
Even if much about the Worlds remains a mystery, I like to think they show us just what we could achieve as a species if anything were possible. And indeed, with the sheer amount of resources and open space the Worlds offer, perhaps anything is possible now. It all starts with curious travellers.
So what are you waiting for? Get out there and leave some boot prints – and don’t forget to bring home some good souvenirs!
— Floyd Watt
EDITORIAL NOTE
by Eliza Salt
I had once hoped to produce travel writing of my own. But we can’t always choose our fortunes, so instead I’ve had the pleasure of editing Floyd’s. I suppose he’s the man for the job. Indeed, who better than a disgraced diplomat with a drinking problem and a habit of appearing on game shows whenever he runs out of money, to pen the first ever travel guide to other worlds?[1]
I shall do my level best to help him – or at least to provide damage limitation. Because although Floyd would have you believe it’s my job to stop him having any ‘fun’ (which is rubbish, since he does what he likes no matter what I say), it really is my pleasure to bring you this guide. To open the door to a whole suite of other realities, both for seasoned travellers and first-timers, is one hell of a privilege. Well, a purgatory of a privilege. Exploration has not been easy, especially when you’re teamed up with a man who wants to sell bootleg cigarettes to line his own pocket and starts civil wars like other people open bags of crisps.[2] But despite all of it, I feel like I’ve learned something important.
Like Floyd, I think the Worlds outlined here really do show what we could achieve as a species; both good and bad. Many of them, indeed, are brimming with hope, excitement and frivolity. But even the cheeriest among them still reflect our own history, whether through their propensity toward war, their glorification of colonial endeavou
r, or their harsh enforcement of gender ‘ideals’. They’ve taught me that, even in places where magic is real and resources are virtually limitless, people will still find reasons to be complete shits to one another. It’s a good reminder that sometimes, you have to stop finding excuses to explain away the things that aren’t right – either with yourself or the society you live in – and start to just make things better.
In your journey through the Worlds, maybe you’ll find the same, and see not just the wonders, but the places where we can learn from reflections of our own mistakes. You’ll also, no doubt, have plenty of opportunities to learn from Floyd’s mistakes as well. The man’s a disaster.[3]
Good luck.
— Eliza Salt
1. WELCOME TO MITTELVELDE
Mittelvelde is fantasy. Packed with folk just human enough to socialise with, but not quite too human to stab, it’s the quintessential escapist destination. Its mountains are vast and icy, its woods deep and dark, and its Orcs intimidating yet reassuringly defeated. It’s a place both strange and familiar: no matter where you wander in this myth-clogged land, you won’t feel lost.
Why Mittelvelde?
Mittelvelde was one of the first of the Worlds to be discovered, and to many it still can’t be beaten. Its enduring popularity is thanks in part to its unique cultures, and in part to its mind-shattering landscapes: from the sun-dappled lowlands of Rannewicke to the forbidding caverns of Kranagar, this land leaks grandeur like the back end of a poorly cat leaks shit.
There are critics who say the place has lost its shine already, becoming the epitome of the ‘beaten track’. And there’s some truth in this: especially with the Elves gone, the place has taken on a definite ‘death of magic’ vibe. Mythical creatures – once so common they would beg for food at campsites – are getting thin on the ground, and genuine Wizards are now outnumbered by bedraggled con men looking to string people along for drug money.
But the wonder is still there, if you know where to look. With the possible exception of the region known as Fysteros[1] – where magic is dead but the body’s still being kicked – Mittelvelde is still rife with hidden gems.[2] And it’s only becoming easier to see the best of this world. The infrastructure projects being pushed by the Bison King of Tharn have fostered a burgeoning tourist economy, while his victory in the War of the Haunted Mace – and the consequent signing of the Pact of Grimlakk – has opened up the ‘exotic’[3] Orcish culture to travellers.
Mittelvelde remains a timeless destination, and a perennial classic: if you want to travel in fantastic worlds, you owe it to yourself to see this one first.
WHY I LOVE MITTELVELDE
by Keith Swiftblade, tour guide & ranger
I’ve spent three years in Mittelvelde, and it already feels like home. I used to be a recruitment consultant, but these days I’m more at home tracking Ettins across the plains of Syrillar than cajoling people into office jobs. There’s just nothing like watching a sunrise over the shattered stones of an Elven beacon for lifting the spirits, and there’s no better night out than mead and roast venison in the halls of the Bison King. But most of all, I love the proud and traditional nature of the Mittelvelder people themselves. This is a land so tangled in myth you can’t walk ten feet without meeting someone whose great grandfather kicked the guts out of an Orc warlord, and who has a twelve-verse drinking song to commemorate the occasion. If you’ve ever felt burdened with the sensation that your life is a bit empty, Mittelvelde will rejuvenate you: here, even getting up in the middle of the night to piss feels faintly epic. My friend, this destination bows to no other.
‘Can’t Miss’ Experiences
1 Duel a dragon
Nothing typifies the fantasy experience more than going toe to toe with a ten-ton reptile that absolutely loves money. And while dragons might be scarcer than they used to be,[4] a decent guide can still track one down for you. It’s not the safest pursuit, but with mercenary bands growing more affordable and fire-resistance charms widely available, it’s an increasingly survivable business.[5] Advanced excursionists may even wish to attempt the latest trend in adventure travel: pretending to be a Wizard and bullying a group of hapless nobodies into a harrowing cross-continental odyssey, before making them fight a dragon while you basically just watch.
2 Meet a long-forgotten heir to a throne
Mittelvelde is a land bristling with ancient kingdoms, and each one has an impossibly convoluted line of succession. Add to that the absolute spaghetti nest of prophecies about great leaders, and a crowded tavern on any given night has about a 30 per cent chance of containing a secret monarch, complete with a tattered cloak and an air of smouldering nobility. Desperate for followers, these types make excellent – and cheap – tour guides, and at the very least are always good for a photo opportunity.
3 Witness an epic battle between good and evil
The best time for witnessing giant battles was a while back, during the War of the Haunted Mace. Still, even with the Duke of Night dead and most of her Orcs rehabilitated, plenty of copycat warlords have sprung up in recent years, raiding the edges of the noble Bison King’s realm.[6] Reprisals are common, and tour operators can arrange viewings at a safe distance, with a chance to loot the battlefield for souvenirs afterwards. In Fysteros, of course, battles are virtually a daily occurrence – although since both sides are almost always made up of complete bastards, there’s rarely any sense of ‘good versus evil’ to them.
4 Find a cursed trinket
Mittelvelde’s history isn’t all on parchment – it’s written in the soil and the rock, with layers of dungeons and catacombs that date back to the earliest ages of the world. And as any connoisseur of fantasy travel knows, dungeons mean treasure: just half an hour’s rummaging through cobwebbed bones will likely win you a mysterious heirloom, with a grim enchantment to boot.[7] It’s all luck of the draw – you might find a crown that turns the wearer into a ghost or an amulet that whispers playground insults at night. Who knows? Maybe you’ll lose your mind, run off to live in a cave and spend decades crooning obsessively to an enchanted hair clip. It’s all part of the fun.
EPOCHAL STRUGGLE
The sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth ages of Mittelvelde have been defined by conflicts in which humans, Elves and Dwarves have banded together to defend their lands from a series of increasingly large maniacs in spiky armour. These Orc warlords always have a similar MO:
1: Forge an enchanted weapon.
2: Scrape together a legion of Orcs and Goblins, garnished with whatever monsters they can scare up from the badlands.
3: Take a big swing at decent civilisation.
The last of these conflicts – the War of the Haunted Mace – was the fault of Yattan-Gur, the Duke of Night,[8] an Orcish sorceress who raised an army a hundred-thousand strong to carry out her will. However, despite the Duke’s dreaded machinery at Gollimmar, and the ghostly bludgeon she wielded (which gave the war its name), the Forces of Good prevailed in the end. Thanks to the Bison King’s bravery,[9] the Haunted Mace was shattered, robbing the Orcs of its hideous strength, and the Duke’s generals – led by the repentant Orc chieftain Grimlakk – turned on their dark mistress, boiling her alive.[10] It was a great day for Good.
Region by Region
Of Mittelvelde’s landmasses, the largest by far is the continent of Tinnethaine. While another major continent far to the west is also rumoured to exist – the Elvish homeland of Larathainne – its viability as a destination is complicated by the fact that it’s partially a metaphor. Tinnethaine, which is much easier to understand, is split up into the following regions:
1 Tharn
Tharn’s lush grasslands are the original territory of the famed Bison King, the most powerful human ruler in Mittelvelde. His new capital at Bannahirr might be controversial to some,[11] but it’s first-class for luxury, thanks to wealth liberated from the former territories of the Duke of Night.
2 Rannewicke
Tharnish vassal state: very rur
al. Think pigs, wheelbarrows and old men roaring in dank pubs. All forests guaranteed non-haunted, except for mysterious roadmen who sing nearly incessantly. Ideal for those who want fantasy without even the mildest of peril.[12]
3 Kolkozar
Kolkozar, the queendom of the Dwarves, sprawls beneath the mighty Wyrmryggrad mountains, and can be about as fun to holiday in as a working mine. Because that’s what it is. But for those in the know, it’s also got a reputation as Mittelvelde’s ultimate nightlife destination.[13]
4 New Tharn
New Tharn is where most Orcs and Goblins live, and it was the Duke of Night’s capital during the war. Even under the Bison King’s generous rule,[14] it hasn’t quite recovered: the liberated Orcs still live in gargantuan slums, while the sky is dark with smog from the Duke’s reclaimed war forges, built on the volcanic highlands of Gollimmar. There’s no doubt, though: New Tharn is on the up and up, and could be next year’s hottest destination.
5 Mathelvayle
Once the great garden of the Elves, Mathelvayle has become overgrown by a vast, dense forest since their departure, and is now home to giant talking centipedes, renegade Orcs and all manner of beasts. It’s rough, tough country, but it’s the last word in gloomy fantasy forests.
6 Syrillar
On the coastal plain of Syrillar sits Alethiar, the long-deserted capital of the Elves. And while the weird immortals who built it are still sighted there from time to time, the savannah beyond its walls is blissfully empty.
7 Kranagar
After the collapse of the Dwarven queendom that flourished there, this underground metropolis is now hopelessly tangled with Tinnethaine’s dungeonsphere. Once, only die-hard adventure tourists would consider plundering its depths, but these days – especially since the establishment of Descensus as an adventure-sports capital – it’s overrun by group bookings.