Notes from Small Planets

by Nate Crowley

  1. WELCOME TO SPACE

  Considering it’s mostly made out of nothing, there’s a mind-bursting wealth of sights to see in SPACE. From the many strange worlds in its depths to the wonders of the twinkling void itself, the sky isn’t even close to the limit when you holiday here. Big enough to hold a lifetime of surprises, but not so massive that it’s scary, SPACE is a destination you’ll never get tired of.

  Why SPACE?

  If you’ve got the sort of wanderlust no forest or ocean can satiate, you need to get your arse to SPACE – the Sector of Pseudofictional Astro-Cultural Environments. And if you’re put off by the long acronym (I know they can be intellectually intimidating), fear not: the good news is that unlike real space, SPACE couldn’t be easier to understand.

  While most of the Worlds are restricted to single planetary surfaces, with space travel either technologically infeasible or just not worth bothering with, this destination is dramatically larger, containing a plethora of stars and planets, and loads of interplanetary societies. Astrophysicists grumble about ‘everything being way too close together’, and the region being ‘not proper space’, but as far as I’m concerned they’re just missing the point.[1] SPACE is just as packed with magic as any of the other Worlds – it just so happens that the magic here involves spaceships. Or rather, SPACEships.

  NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM

  In grudging recognition of the astrophysicists, I’ll say this: the ‘vacuum’ that fills SPACE is pretty odd stuff. It’s only moderately freezing, it soaks up stellar radiation, and in some places you can just about breathe it. It even carries sound, so you can hear the ace engine noises that all the SPACEships make.

  Thanks to SPACE’s strangely forgiving nature, the technological barriers to entry for starfaring are surprisingly low. As a result, dozens of cultures have reached beyond their planets of origin to trade, explore, bicker and battle in this strangely crowded abyss. Travelling among them means meeting humans – and strangely familiar aliens – from bizarre civilisations, and living constantly on the edge of information and sensory overload. It’s a place where technology is sufficiently advanced as to be indistinguishable from magic, and where even on a slow day you can achieve five impossible things before breakfast. So get yourself a SPACEsuit and travel, with the stars your destination.

  WHY SPACE IS THE PLACE FOR ME

  By Sam Turbo, Ensign on the independent trading vessel Rowdy Ronald

  I always dreamed of being an astronaut as a kid, but it turned out that not only did you basically have to be a living god to do it (I couldn’t be bothered with that), but space was also a complete nightmare full of freezing emptiness that would murder you at the first opportunity. So I became a recruitment consultant instead. When I came to SPACE, however – on an adventure holiday with my estranged father – I realised that my dreams were possible after all. You see, this place isn’t that scary: the distances aren’t mind-shatteringly vast, the aliens are basically just people with strange faces, and the holographic, monster-based board games are really cool. Hell, in my early years on the Ronald I even accidentally forgot to put my helmet on before opening the outer door of the airlock (lol), and ended up floating in the big empty! It was a bit dicey, but the crew got me back in again soon enough using the SPACE Rope, and we all had a good laugh about it. Everything’s a good laugh out here – I think I’ve found my orbit.

  ‘Can’t Miss’ Experiences

  1 Take a giant leap for mankind

  Although pretty much every world in SPACE has been discovered by someone, only a tiny fraction of the asteroids, moons, comets, planets and unexplained artefacts within its limits have been officially surveyed by us. Which means they’re up for grabs, right? And with durable plastic flags available from plenty of gift shops for a modest sum, it’s never been easier to claim a distant body of rock as property of the Earth.[2]

  2 Outwit an alien

  Although the sentient aliens of SPACE are basically just humans with minor anatomical differences and/or a different skin colour, they are at least interesting in that each of their cultures is defined by one or maybe two overwhelming character traits, and none of them are as cunning and plucky as humans.[3] Starfarers familiar with these wily beings – such as the celebrated Captains of Syndicated SPACE – know the ins and outs of alien psychology like clockwork, and regularly engage in duels of wit and intrigue with these creatures while negotiating trade and diplomacy out in the black. Get chummy enough with one of the Captains while on board ship with them, and who knows – they might even give you a turn on their giant communications telly!

  3 See things other people would never believe

  The many star systems encompassed by SPACE include just about every gorgeous conjunction of stellar bodies[4] imaginable, and with everything so close together, there’s virtually nowhere you can stand (or float) and not be blasted to mental smithereens by the view. Planetary night skies swarm with nebulae, shooting stars and strange moons, while days can boast between one and nine suns in a range of spectacular colours, depending on what’s nearby. It’s all extremely pretty.

  ‘And why should we cede mineral rights to the Go’ka Cloud to you fod-zeh humans?’ growled the Olang elder on the big screen, the orange flanges of his nose wrinkling in exasperation. Sitting in the bridge’s command chair, Captain Aquitaine steepled her fingers and breathed deeply, tension radiating from her as she pondered her answer.

  ‘Excuse me,’ I murmured, sidling over to the big chair despite First Officer Murray’s look of annoyance (the big galoot had been trying to keep me away all afternoon, saying I was ‘too drunk’ to be on the bridge), ‘but I’ve done this before. I reckon I can sort it out.’ The Captain shot me a look of assent, and before Murray could block me, I took the microphone and looked up at the Olang on the screen.

  ‘Because, you orange git,’ I said, gnashing the words with relish, ‘Captain Aquitaine has three stealthed attack craft just astern of your vessel. What do you think of that, eh?’

  The situation was solved. Captain Aquitaine put her palm to her face in relief, and the Olang offered her the tight-lipped expression and raised eyebrow which I’m fairly sure is a gesture of submission in their culture. I don’t know why I ever gave up this diplomacy lark, I’m amazing at it.

  — FROM THE TRAVEL JOURNAL OF FLOYD WATT

  4 Investigate a mysterious distress signal

  Despite the relative safety of travel among the stars, there’s still no accounting for accidents, stupidity and hubris: switch on even so basic a device as a radio in open sky and you’ll receive hundreds of pings from crash sites, derelicts, imperilled colonies and mysterious ancient artefacts. Pretty much any of these can make for a fantastic day out, although admittedly sometimes that will involve an ambush from SPACE Pirates or an encounter with a nest of writhing Xenads.[5]

  Region by Region

  The star systems of SPACE hold far too many planets, moons and structures to detail individually. Even the interstellar empires are too numerous to outline here, with more than thirty civilisations having ten or more systems to their name. Nevertheless, there are some broad regions worth identifying to the prospective astronaut.

  1 Outpost Bravo

  Our main access point to SPACE is via the gargantuan, leaky station at its centre, known as Outpost Bravo, which has become a hub for travel throughout the entire region. Bravo is the home and workplace of the hapless Space Men[6] (see People, below), but given its location, it’s also a popular neutral ground for trade and negotiation, and virtually every species and government in SPACE has an expat community here. The Space Men are a bit stressed out by all this happening on their turf while they’re trying to do their Missions[7], but they stay sane so long as the civilian population keeps mostly to its assigned districts.

  2 The Pulp Nebula

  Not far from Outpost Bravo sprawls a huge, pink-tinged nebula – one of the regions where SPACE’s ultra-thin atmosphere gathers into a pocket of breathable air – w
ith a dozen or so moons concealed in its depths, all orbiting the enormous gas giant Grum. This Pulp Nebula (so-called for its resemblance to a giant, burst-open fruit) is home to an astonishing ecosystem, where thick, warm air has allowed life to flourish in the expanse between worlds. Asteroids on which drifting seeds have taken root have become floating, forested mountains, while gigantic Astrocetaceans and jungled-over derelicts drift together through flamingo-coloured skies. It’s a wild place, and the moons within it are hotbeds of savage adventure populated by Barbarians, Lizardmen and more.

  3 Syndicated SPACE

  Almost half of SPACE is looked after by the Syndicate, a conglomeration of human and alien states with a vast shared fleet of starships that’s either an armada of science ships or a navy, depending on who you talk to. Certainly, the Syndicate is a peaceful society – but largely because they outlawed war a while back and threatened to annihilate anyone who so much as thought about starting a beef within their sprawling territory. It seems fair to me. Each Syndicate ship is run by an incredibly charismatic human Captain,[8] with a diverse senior management team under them, as well as a few-dozen randos with handguns.[9] Their missions, despite being much-celebrated as voyages of exploration, rarely seem to discover anything new. Indeed, 90 per cent of mission time tends to be spent having weirdly episodic encounters with well-known alien species, or solving outbreaks of bickering among the crew.

  I put one leg up on the boulder and sighed, gazing wistfully at the immensity of the twin suns as they sank towards the hazy desert horizon. All was silent, except for the faint susurration of dust devils out on the plain. Soon, the smallest of the two stars would vanish completely. I coughed meaningfully and shot a quick glance over my shoulder. Grudgingly extinguishing her cigarette, the hired musician picked up her French horn and began to play the sad music I had requested, but the moment wasn’t quite what it could have been.

  — FROM THE TRAVEL JOURNAL OF FLOYD WATT

  4 Hard Vacuum

  This harsh, sparsely inhabited region of SPACE is home to the only people Earth astrophysicists respect. Universally human, the societies of Hard Vacuum refuse to use commonplace technologies such as teleportation and faster-than-light travel, since they insist they just aren’t possible. These people even get irritated with the forgiving nature of the SPACE around them, and have embarked on massive engineering projects to make it colder and emptier, and to make planets in their territory more barren[10]. Still, even though their lives are lonely, dry, grim and difficult, the Hard Vacuumers take a great deal of pride in being more ‘legitimate’ than the colourful patchwork of cultures elsewhere in SPACE, whom they dismiss as mere fantasists.

  5 The Galaxy

  Although it’s not technically a galaxy at all, this clump of 284 star systems is the biggest single-civilisation grouping in SPACE, and so I suppose we have to respect what its inhabitants – the ever-brash Stellar Warriors – call it.[11] Comprising weirdly uniform planets, each with a single terrain type, the Galaxy is ruled over by a startlingly incompetent, vindictive dictatorship, forever snatching defeat from the jaws of victory against a small band of armed insurrectionists. For their own part, these insurrectionists could have dismantled the monstrous superstate decades ago, but they can’t stop scrapping among themselves over the issue of whether ‘girls are allowed to fight’. Honestly, the whole situation’s maddening (and that’s not even getting into the Sword Monks or their completely mental religion). Despite the Syndicate’s repeated demands to stop fighting, the Warriors don’t know any other life – and besides, as they’ve said many times, the Syndicate is more than welcome to come and stop them if they reckon they’re hard enough.[12]

  2. UNDERSTANDING SPACE

  A Brief History

  Oh right, this’ll be easy, then. Just summarise the entire history of a few-thousand planets in a few-hundred words, shall I?[13] OK, fine. But I’m only going to give you the beginning, then skip to the end: the sagas that make up much of SPACE’s history are so long and complex they can only be told via the interminable means of opera, and we’ve certainly not got time for that.

  Nobody is quite sure when humans first began to cruise the void, but every culture in SPACE – aliens included – remembers the Space Men being there already when they reached the stars. The Space Men, however, claim to have no idea where they came from, or – if they’re really honest – what they’re doing. Ask them directly and they’ll just start babbling on about the Mission while getting increasingly anxious.[14] There are rumours, however, that SPACE was inhabited long before even the Space Men. The Captains of Syndicated Space regularly encounter artefacts and derelicts belonging to a people called the Forebears, who apparently lived ages ago – but beyond that, almost nothing is known about them.

  Floyd’s Note

  For ages, when people told me about the Forebears, I thought they were talking about Four Bears, and I got incredibly confused – sounded like the shittest creation myth ever. So, to be perfectly clear, there are no bears involved in the history of SPACE (apart from the Multibears of Ursinos VI, that is, but there were way more than four of them).

  SPACE Today

  SPACE has had its ups and downs, but especially since the Syndicate banned all war outside the Galaxy, it has been a fairly tranquil place. Indeed, other than the Blundakh plague on Pletphah VII, the unexplained horror nimbus around Star Omega Six, and the other few minor, episodic crises one expects to crop up from day to day, there’s never been a better time to visit. Or to claim planets in Earth’s name![15], [16]

  Climate and Terrain

  Except for the region of Hard Vacuum, whose fastidiously bleak inhabitants have gone out of their way to make their local environment as true to its name as possible, SPACE is not a true void at all. As such, it has weather like any other atmosphere, but considerably weirder, from the devastating firestorms of solar flares to the astonishingly pleasant phenomenon known as astro-snow. The planets and moons, of course, each have their own climates and landscapes, although they tend to fall into several common categories:

  Earthlike planets look uncannily like humanity’s real-world home, only with randomised coastlines and maybe some different bugs. Perfect if you want to pack light.

  ‘Palette swap’ worlds are often alien home worlds and, reflecting the nature of their inhabitants, tend to look like earthlike planets, but with different coloured foliage, water and sky.

  Poly-Badlands planets, often encountered by away teams from Syndicate ships, resemble lifeless deserts, full of strange rock formations. The terrain is not made from rock, however, but from a strange, naturally-occurring form of expanded polystyrene, which tends to wobble alarmingly when a Captain is slammed against one while being strangled by a rubbery-skinned alien.

  Single-biome planets, common in the Galaxy region, are entirely covered in one extremely unimaginative terrain type, such as swamp, snow or lava. Sometimes they are also palette-swapped, but don’t be fooled.

  Wildlife

  One might expect SPACE to be packed with incomprehensible wild beasts. But, just as is the case with its technologically advanced aliens, most of its fauna is startlingly comprehensible, being just a couple of anatomical degrees removed from familiar animal life. Nonetheless, there are some interesting specimens out there:

  THE VAST AND THE CURIOUS

  Spend enough time in a nebula and you’ll almost certainly encounter the marvellous Astrocetaceans, more commonly known as SPACE Whales. While nothing like whales biologically (they appear more like gigantic, gas-filled worms), these filter-feeding drifters are well named, thanks to their enormous size, mournful foghorn cries and inquisitive, intelligent nature. While they are content to feed on astroplankton, however, their sheer scale means they will often swallow up anything not capable of getting out of the way fast enough – such as Space Man rocketships that have suffered equipment failures. It’s not uncommon to look through the translucent hide of an Astrocetacean and find a colony of glum, bearded Space
Men dejectedly banging on the walls of the body cavity in the hope you’ll let them out.

  The bizarre Astrofish (Piscis Stellaris) appear remarkably similar to terrestrial fish, swimming through the void in the thicker nebulae and congregating in shoals millions strong. When they exhaust the food in one gas patch, they’ll build up speed and leap into the void, where they’ll freeze solid and drift until they hit another patch of air. Consequently, they’re a dreaded navigational hazard, and any SPACE Captain lives in terror of a fish strike, when thousands of frozen Astrofish will start punching through their vessel’s hull without warning.

  The creatures known as Xenads (Pseudoscolopendra Badejo), resembling giant centipedes, are thought to have been engineered by the Forebears either as a bioweapon or a truly horrendous prank. With their reputed habit of laying eggs in the mouths of unfortunate travellers, they tend to be exterminated as soon as a colony is discovered. And hey, even if they don’t lay eggs in mouths, they’re still pretty horrible, so it’s no tragedy.[17]

  The Multibears (Ursa Plethora) of Ursinos VI nearly threatened to end all life in SPACE. Seemingly innocuous, almost rather cute orange bears, they had the unfortunate habit of duplicating at terrifying speed whenever someone looked at them, and soon multiplied to fill nine entire star systems. Amazingly, it turned out that in this one case in the entire history of apocalyptic catastrophes, the solution to the problem really was to ignore it until it went away.[18]