by Caitlyn Dare
I haven’t heard him come home, yet.
The silence taunts me as I lie here, staring at the ceiling. It’s been hours since I ate or drank anything. Hadley tried to bring me something earlier, but I refused to answer the door. I couldn’t take any more of their pitiful gazes, the thick silences. I knew they meant well, but it was a lot.
They’re a lot.
I’m not used to having people interested in my life.
It’s almost one in the morning, everyone will be sleeping. It’ll be safe to go down to the kitchen and help myself to a drink and a snack. Maybe one of those cookies the housekeeper baked earlier. I’d smelled them, the sugary sweet goodness wafting up the stairs. But not even the promise of home baked cookies was enough to lure me from the sanctuary of Conner’s bedroom.
Pushing the sheet off, I pull on one of the oversized hoodies Hadley left me and slip quietly into the hall. Darkness greets me, and I let my eyes adjust before tiptoeing down the stairs.
The Jaggers’ house is so big I feel lost creeping down the hall to the kitchen. It’s an impressive room, a big, open plan space that overlooks the massive yard. The pool house stands in the distance, and a pang of jealousy hits me. I’d discovered earlier that Remi and Ace stay out there.
It’s worlds away from my home in the Heights. Not that I have a home anymore. Not really. I haven’t since my aunt died and the bank took the house. Warren’s dad’s place has never felt like mine.
The light from the refrigerator is glaring as I peer inside, searching for something to eat. Grabbing a soda and some leftover chicken, I close the door and place it down on the counter when a noise catches my attention. I freeze, fear trickling up my spine.
You’re okay, I silently remind myself. You’re safe here.
“Hello?” I squeak, alerting whoever it is to my presence. The last person I expect to see enter the room is Conner.
He grinds to a halt, his eyes widening. “Kenny?” he chokes out.
It’s then that I see his face, the blood and cuts.
“Conner, what the hell?” I rush over to him, but he stops me short.
“I’m okay.”
“But you’re hurt.” God, those words twist something inside me.
“I’m okay, I promise.”
“Where were you... no, Conner.” Panic rips through me.” Tell me you didn’t go after—” I press my lips together and swallow his name.
This is bad, really fucking bad.
“I couldn’t just do nothing.” He stares at me with an intensity that sears my skin. It’s as if he’s memorizing the lines of my face.
It makes my heart clench, but then I remember how we ended up here, and any regret I feel turns to anger.
“You shouldn’t have done—”
“Don’t worry,” he spits, “I didn’t find your precious fucking Warren.”
“You didn’t?” Relief sinks into me, but it isn’t for the reason he thinks.
“I met Jay and Levi at the old warehouse out by the docks.”
“You were fighting?” Everyone knows about the underground fighting ring in the Heights. We’d followed the circuit over the years for Conner’s fights. But I thought—hoped—he’d stopped.
“I needed to burn off some steam.” His jaw tenses.
“Come on.” I take his hand, ignoring how it feels to touch him again, and lead him over to the breakfast counter. “Sit.”
He climbs onto a stool and lets out a weary sigh.
“Sore?” My eyes run over the ugly cut underneath his eye and the deep split in the pillow of his lip. He’s a mess, but it isn’t just the cuts and bruises. It’s his gaze. The sparkle is gone, and he has dark circles shadowing both of his ocean blue eyes.
“I’ll live,” he murmurs.
“First aid kit?” I ask, and he motions to the cabinet beneath the sink.
I locate it and fill a bowl with some warm water. “This might sting.” Gently, I clean the dried blood off his face, ignoring the wild flutter of my heart.
Conner sinks into my touch, the tension melting away as I work in silence to tend to each cut and graze.
I don’t need to ask him why he did it. The answer swirls around us like a storm on the horizon. He’s like this... because of me.
Because he needed to do something, anything, to feel better.
The shame I feel is almost suffocating.
When I’m done, I wash my hands and clean up the supplies. I’m about to take the first aid kit back when his hand snags my wrist. “Wait,” he breathes, the air crackling between us. “Just tell me the truth, Kenny. Tell me what happened, please.”
The pain in his voice coils around my heart, sucking the air from my lungs.
He knows.
Conner knows what happened, but he needs to hear me say it. He needs me to trust him with my truths.
But I can’t do it.
I can’t admit it out loud.
Because admitting it means it happened.
Admitting it makes me a victim, and I refuse to be that girl.
We stare at one another, and I swear I can feel his warmth wrapping around me like a blanket.
Growing up, Conner was always my protector, my knight-in-shining-armor. There wasn’t anything his touch or smile or reassuring words couldn’t heal. But we’re not those people to each other anymore.
I’m not his.
And he’s not mine.
“Conner, I—“
“Shh, Kenny.” His hand curves around the back of my neck, pulling me down until our heads are touching and our breaths mingle.
“Con...” My voice wavers, and I’m not sure what I’m asking him.
“The thought of anyone hurting you... it fucking kills me, babe. But knowing he hurt you, knowing that I trusted him with you, and he—“
I slide a finger to his lips, forcing the words back in.
Because I can’t do this.
Not now.
Not ever.
“I’ll survive,” I whisper. “I’ll be okay.”
A shudder rolls through him as he inhales a ragged breath, screwing his eyes shut. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
The words reverberate inside me.
Words can’t fix this.
They can’t fix us.
“Yeah,” I reply as I start to pull away. “Me too.”
“Kenny, don’t.”
“You should get some rest, Conner,” I say, fighting back the wave of tears threatening to fall. “That’s going to hurt tomorrow.”
Abandoning the soda and chicken, I turn and retreat toward my room.
But as I reach the stairs, I’m almost certain I hear his voice.
“Not as much as losing you.”
“So, what do you think?” Hadley asks me as I take in the dorm room. Except, it doesn’t really resemble a dorm room at all. It’s more like a five-star hotel—not that I’ve ever been to one. The carpet is thick and spongy beneath my feet, and the furniture looks expensive and complements the pale beige walls.
It’s a far cry from Warren’s bedroom in his dad’s trailer.
“Kennedy?” she asks, and I blink over at her.
“It’s... nice.” The word comes out tight.
“You have your own bathroom, and there’s a communal kitchen down the hall, but I never really go in there.”
“Yeah, I’m not going in there either.”
She offers me a reassuring smile. “It’ll be okay, you know. I’m right next door, and the girls aren’t that bad if you keep to yourself. At least you have a few days to settle in before school starts.”
As if I can forget.
The last place on Earth I want to go is Sterling Prep, but I don’t have much of a choice.
“Kennedy,” James Jagger steps into the room, taking the air with him, “this is Valerie Jones, the school guidance counselor and cheer squad coach.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Kennedy.” The woman steps forward.
“Hey,” I inch back. There’s something
about the way they’re watching me that rubs me the wrong way, like I’m a caged animal about to bolt. Hadley moves closer to me, offering me another smile.
“It’s okay,” she says softly. “Miss J is good people.” Something passes over her face.
“I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know my door is always open. Principal Vager would have been here to welcome you, but he’s currently out of town.”
“I... uh, okay.” This is awkward.
I don’t want to be here.
But I don’t want to be back in the Heights, either.
“Well, I’ll let you get settled in. You’re in good hands.” She flicks her gaze to Hadley. “When the semester starts, I’ll check in again, okay?”
I nod. It’s all I can manage.
“You’ll be okay?” James asks.
“We’ll be fine, thank you,” Hadley answers for me.
“Very well. You’re welcome at the house whenever you like, Kennedy.”
“Thanks.”
Relief seeps into me as they leave, closing the door behind them.
“You okay?” Hadley eyes me carefully.
I give her a half-shrug. “Could be worse, right?”
“The Jaggers are... a lot. I learned that the hard way. But they mean well.”
“You’re telling me,” I grumble, running my finger over the sideboard.
“Shall we unpack and get you settled?”
My brow arches as I glance at the one bag of things I have, most of them hand-me-downs from Hadley and Remi. When I lift my eyes to hers again, a knowing smile tugs at her lips.
“Actually, I have a better idea.”
My brows pinch, and she chuckles. “Come on, trust me. It’ll be fun.” Hadley makes for the door, but I hesitate. I forgot how to have fun a long time ago.
“Kennedy?” she asks.
“Nothing.” I force a smile, because Hadley is the one person I do feel comfortable with here. I can’t really explain it, but I sense she has her own story to tell. There’s something in her eyes, a shadow of pain I recognize.
“We don’t have to—”
“No, let’s go.” I stand taller. I won’t hide, not when I did nothing wrong.
But I can’t deny that as I follow Hadley out of the room, part of me wants to run away from here.
From Warren and the Heights.
From James Jagger and his overbearing family.
But most of all, from the first boy I ever loved.
The only boy.
Chapter Six
Conner
It's been four days and Ellen has changed the sheets, but if I position myself just right, I can still smell her on my pillow. I know I'm a sad motherfucker, but since she left the house and Hadley got her settled in the dorms, I've been warned to stay away and let her find her feet.
I've done it, but it's fucking bullshit.
She's in a new town, at a new school, and there's nothing I can do to help her.
Hadley keeps assuring me that she's fine, that she's taking care of her. And while I'm grateful, it's not fucking good enough.
It should be me. I should be the one looking after her, making sure she's settling in okay and getting her ready to start at Sterling Prep today.
I remember what it was like on our first day, with all the stares and gossip directed our way. I want to shield her from that. No one would dare even look twice at her if she turned up with me. As much as I love Hadley, I'm not sure her presence beside my girl will have the same impact as her turning up with three Jaggers.
Pulling on my uniform, I wonder how the holidays passed by so fast. When I ripped this off at the end of last year, it felt like it would be forever before I put it back on, but standing here now, even with everything that’s happened, it feels like I barely blinked and it's time to go back to school.
I don't hate Sterling Prep. I never have, unlike my brothers. I've always enjoyed school, and from the moment James announced that we'd be attending, a part of me was excited about the challenge. Life at Sterling Heights High was irritating at best. Some of the teachers tried their best, but mostly their efforts to actually teach were impeded by the morons in class, who were more interested in getting high and wasted than learning anything that might improve their future.
I've always found school fairly easy. While others got frustrated and gave up, I craved more. I also knew it was my way out of the Heights if I wanted it. I just needed to somehow graduate with a decent GPA, not something very many do from Sterling Heights High. Sterling Bay Prep, though… that's an entirely different story. They pride themselves on sending their students to Ivy League colleges every year, and while my aspirations might not be quite that high, the chance of getting accepted to somewhere decent makes all of my previous years worth it.
We can all say many things about James. Yes, he fucked up. Yes, he could have helped us a lot sooner. But I can't help thinking that, really, he swooped in when we needed it most, at the turning point in our lives when we need to make decisions about our futures.
Cole is off to Colton U to be their next star running back. As far as I know, Hadley is following right behind. Remi and Ace both have plans for their future, although I'm fairly sure college isn't part of Ace's. He tolerates school at best, so there's no way he's doing another four years of full-time education, no matter how many times Remi might try to convince him. Me, on the other hand… I've got a pile of application forms sitting on my desk that I really need to send. I filled them all out last year, but the thought of actually mailing them terrifies me, for some reason.
We've just found our feet in the Bay, and here we are already planning our futures away from it. I look at the envelopes just sitting there as I walk toward the window and stare out.
A knock sounds out, but I don't say anything—Cole will walk in regardless. And, two seconds later, he does. I don't turn around, but the quiet creak of the bed tells me what he's doing behind me.
"Excited to go back?" he asks, making my brows pull together. I'm not sure I've ever heard him sound excited to go to school, but there's definitely something lighter in his tone than usual.
"Something like that," I mutter, turning around and finding exactly what I expect, my twin brother making himself at home on my bed with his hands behind his head. "Get your fucking shoes off," I bark, knocking his feet off the sheets.
"Jesus, who's twisted your panties?"
"No one," I grunt, dropping down into the chair. I rest my elbows on my knees and drop my head.
"Ah, I see. Missing your girl?"
"I'm not sure I like you this happy, you know."
He chuckles, which does nothing for my irritation.
"Go and cheer someone else up. I'm not in the mood."
"Maybe not, but I'm meeting Hadley before school, and I have it on good authority that Ken—"
"Let's go," I bark, pushing from the chair and stalking toward the door. "You coming or what?" I ask when he makes no move to follow.
"Yeah, I'm with you." I look back over my shoulder as he climbs from my bed. His eyes roam my room for a beat before landing on the pile of applications. "You know you actually need to send these to be accepted, right?"
"Fuck off," I grunt, walking out to the hallway, assuming he'll follow.
"You know," he says as he joins me in my car. "I never thought I'd be the one with a plan for the future while you were fumbling around like an idiot."
"I'm not fumbling."
"Oh no? So why haven't you mailed them?"
"I was going to, and then Kenny turned up and..." I trail off. My excuse is bullshit, and I'd be an idiot to think that Cole is buying any of it.
"She's hardly been taking up all your time."
"Thanks, asshole. I don't need you telling me that."
"I'm just saying. It takes minutes to mail them. Why haven't you?"
What if she leaves? What if she goes back to him? The words are right on the tip of my tongue, but I swallow them down. I know it's stupid t
o hold off because of Kenny—it's just another excuse I'm adding to all the others. I just need to man up and accept that we've only got a few months before all our lives change once again.
I blow out a sigh. "I'll send them after school."
"Good. I'll beat your fucking ass if you miss the deadlines because you're being a pussy."
"I preferred you when you didn't talk much."
"And I prefer you when you're not sulking, but we can't always get what we want, can we?"
"It seems not."
"She'll come around, Con.” Cole offers me a tentative smile. “She's just been through hell. The last thing she wants is to let another guy close."
"I'm not just any guy though, am I?"
He shrugs. "Fuck knows, Con. We left her behind and look what happened. She probably thinks you're just as bad as them, that you care as little."
"That's bullshit."
"Yeah, well, I haven’t figured out a woman's head yet, and I doubt that you will either, so just go with the flow."
"And now he's giving me girl advice. Fucking priceless," I mutter while he barks out a laugh.
"It's amazing what regular pussy can do for a guy."
I slam my foot down on the brake a little too hard when we come to an intersection.
"What the fuck did you just say about Hadley?" I snap, turning to look at him.
He shakes his head at me. "Fucking hell, Conner. She's really got you whipped, huh?"
"Hadley isn't just a piece of ass, she's..." I trail off, thinking of his girl.
"I'm more than aware, hence the ring on her finger."
"I still can't believe you did that," I say, pulling out slowly, much to the irritation of the guy behind us.
"Neither can she, but she's yet to take it off, so I think she's warming to the idea." He smirks.
"You're fucking nuts, bro."
"Meh, life's fucking good right now. Might as well enjoy it before the next surprise slams into us."
"I'm happy for you—you know that, right?"
'We'll get you your girl, Con. Just give it some time." He reaches over and squeezes my shoulder in support. Although I appreciate the gesture, I can't help feeling like it might be a lost cause. Kenny isn't the girl I remember. She changed during our time apart, and I'm not sure if the new Kenny and I have any kind of connection at all.