by Caitlyn Dare
“But... why?” I croak.
It doesn’t make any sense.
He stood by while Warren staked his claim on me, and then he up and left the Heights without looking back.
He left me there... with a monster.
Cole’s stare is back on the road, but I can see his eyes crinkle with confusion.
“Are you really that blind?” he hisses.
“Whatever, Cole.” I huff.
I can tell he wants to say more, but, thankfully, he doesn’t.
By the time we reach my dorm building, I can’t wait to get away from him.
All the emotion I felt in Conner’s arms as he kissed me is gone, poisoned by the pain of our past.
Eight months isn’t even that long ago, but it feels like eons. I’m not the same girl as I was back then. I’m hardened, all jagged edges and hidden scars. Even if Conner does want to pick up where we left off almost a year ago, I can’t.
Because that girl is gone.
“Thanks for the ride,” I say, shouldering the door open.
“Kennedy, wait.” I glance back and his expression hardens. “I know my brother, Kenny, and I know he isn’t going to let you slip through his fingers again.” His cool gaze burns into me. “A word of friendly advice—you need to decide what you want. Because this? What happened last night? Conner isn’t cut out for that life.”
My body vibrates with anger, but I press my lips together, swallowing the barbed words I want to spit at him.
How dare he?
How fucking dare he?
“Goodbye, Cole.” I climb out and slam the door, and I don’t look back as I take off toward the building.
Cole lets me go.
Just like his brother.
After taking a shower and washing away Conner’s scent, I pull on a clean t-shirt and some booty shorts and lie on my bed. He’ll be awake now. He’ll know I left.
But will he understand?
Emotion swells inside of me again. It would be so easy to let myself fall under his spell, to give myself to the boy with eyes the color of the ocean. But I can’t.
I just can’t.
A knock at my door pulls me from my thoughts, and, for a second, I think it’s him. My heart hammers in my chest, disappointment washing over me when I see it’s Hadley.
“You left,” she says around a sad smile.
“I didn’t want to do the awkward morning after.”
“He’s a mess.”
My heart twists but I say, “It’s for the best.”
“Is it? Maybe if you just talked to him, maybe if you—” Her eyes take me in and she gasps.
“Kennedy, what did he do?” She’s staring at my neck and thighs.
“I...” I feel naked. Stripped bare in front of this girl who has history with Conner. Who’s friends with him.
“Did he hurt you?”
“What? No. No, Hadley. It wasn’t like that. We just...”
But she’s right. It had hurt... and I’d wanted it to.
“You need to talk to him, Kennedy. I know you’re scared, I know the two of you have history, but Conner isn’t like Ace and Cole. You have to know that. This will crush him. When he realizes—”
“Stop, okay?” I heave a ragged breath. “Just stop.”
Silence fills the space between us as Hadley stares at me with pity. She doesn’t understand. She can’t, but she wants to.
“For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a big mistake. Conner cares about you so freaking much. All you have to do is let him in and give him a chance.”
A reply bubbles up my chest, but I force it down.
Hadley says he cares. Cole too. But the harsh truth is that for as much as Conner might care now...
He didn’t care enough then.
Chapter Sixteen
Conner
I come to with memories of the night before playing out in my mind and a raging hard-on. Despite the insane number of times I came last night, it seems my body still craves her. I'm not surprised, I've waited long enough.
With thoughts of how well we fit together, how right it feels when we connect filling my mind, I once again drift off. I'm not sure if it's from the alcohol or just pure exhaustion. I'm not complaining, whatever it is.
I have no idea if I fall back to sleep for five minutes or five hours, but the next time I wake, I'm much more alert.
Moving my arm, I search her out, ready to pull her hot little body back into mine to give her the wake up she deserves, but I'm only met with cold sheets.
My eyes fly open, confirming what I already know.
She left.
No. She didn't just leave. She snuck out.
After the time we spent together, she just walked away.
Anger surges through me, turning my blood to lava.
Throwing the covers back, I climb naked from my bed and start searching the floor for my cell.
I don't find anything of hers left behind—not that I'm expecting to. I already knew. I felt it.
Shoving my hand in my pants pocket, I pull out my cell and wake it up. But all I find staring back at me is a handful of messages from Aimee that I don't even bother opening.
"Fuck," I roar, kicking the pile of clothes at my feet, although it does very little to settle the storm brewing inside me.
Finding her contact, I hit call.
It rings, and rings and rings. It doesn't even go to voicemail. It just cuts off.
I don't even realize that I've pulled my arm back, and it's not until my cell collides with my bedroom door that I even register that I've thrown it.
Pacing back and forth, I try desperately to tamper down my growing need to storm over there and have it out with her. The crack of my knuckles fills the air as I try to convince myself to do the right thing.
She doesn't want to talk. I understand that, but right now, I'm not fucking happy about it.
I thought we'd made some progress last night. I thought it might have been the start of her letting her walls down.
How fucking wrong was I?
My heart twists in my chest, a pain lancing through me that I'm becoming all too used to.
A soft knock on the door has me pausing with my back to it.
"Fuck off," I bark, not wanting to see anyone unless it's Kenny, and I already know it's not her. I know when she's near, I feel it.
She isn’t in this house. She's run as far and as fast as she could.
Am I that fucking unlovable that she couldn't even wait until this morning to pull the plug?
There's another knock before the door is pushed open.
"Conner, are you—"
"Leave me alone, Hads," I snap.
"What's wrong?" Hadley asks, totally ignoring my request and instead stepping inside, despite my tone or the fact that I'm still naked. I turn away from her and stare out of the window. "Where's Kenny?"
"Gone," I spit.
"But, I thought—" Hadley starts, but I cut her off.
"Yeah, me and you both." I blow out a defeated breath, my shoulders lowering and my head dropping.
"I'll go see her, make sure she's okay."
"I thought... I... we..."
"I know, Con," she says sadly, stepping up to me and pressing a kiss to my shoulder blade. "It'll be okay, you'll see."
"How? How is this going to be okay? She couldn't even bear to see me this morning."
"I'll talk to her."
I don't respond. Part of me wants to tell her not to bother, that Kenny isn't interested in talking, but another, more insistent part is desperate for Hadley to go and plead my case. It seems I can't do it with words or actions, so someone else might as well have a shot.
It isn’t until she's closing the door that I look over my shoulder. Our eyes connect for a second and a sad smile pulls at her lips.
Grabbing a pair of boxers, I make my way to the bathroom. I hate to wash away Kenny’s lingering scent, but I can hardly spend the day with it reminding me of what we had for those few hours.
The hot water does little to soothe my muscles or to loosen me up at all, and by the time I get out, I'm still as furious as I was when I stepped inside.
"Morning, sweetie," Ellen sings when I enter the kitchen a few moments later. "What would you like for breakfast?"
"Nothing," I mutter, walking to the refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of water.
"N-nothing? Are you okay? Are you sick?" Her concerned eyes burn into my skin, but I don't look up at her.
"No, I'm not sick."
With my bottle of water in hand, I walk back out and return to my bedroom. Although I regret it the second I step inside and am hit with her scent again. It's even worse when I throw myself on my bed, because it's almost like I'm surrounded by her.
I hit play on ‘Throne’ by Bring Me the Horizon and drop my cell to the bed as I stare at the ceiling.
I try to think about anything but last night. I attempt to focus on what homework I've got to do, I think about the future and those applications still taunting me from my desk. I think about anything but Kennedy Lowe, the girl who still owns my heart…
But every single thought somehow leads back to her.
My fists are curled in frustration and my need to expel some of my pent-up aggression. I'm biting down on the inside of my cheek when my bedroom door flies open sometime later.
"What the hell did you do?" Hadley shrieks, storming toward the bed. Her eyes are dark and wild, and her lips are pressed into a thin line.
Great, now she's pissed at me. I roll my eyes at myself. Can I do nothing right where women are concerned?
"I have no idea what you're—"
"Have you seen her?"
"What? Who? Kenny? You know I haven't. She'd fucked off before I woke up."
"Yeah, I'm not surprised. What exactly did you do to her last night?"
"Uh..." I hesitate. We had sex, a lot of sex. But surely that's not what Hadley is referring to?
"She's black and blue, Conner. Covered in fucking bruises. How could you?"
My chin drops in shock at her judgement.
“That’s a bit rich, isn’t it? Seeing as I know the things you and my brother get up to behind closed doors.”
Despite my joke, Hadley’s face remains stiff. I've never seen her look so furious before. She's shaking with anger.
"We just—"
"How could you do that after everything she's been through?"
"I don't know what... we just fucked, Hads."
"Yeah, and just how fucking rough were you?"
"I… uh... I only did what she asked of me," I confess, remembering her demands for more.
"You hurt her, Con. Really hurt her.”
Guilt washes through me. I didn't mean to hurt her. "I didn't... I'd never..."
Hadley turns damn near purple before me as her anger begins to boil over.
"He raped her, Conner. And then you just go and..." Her eyes go wide as she registers what she just said. "Fuck, I—"
My stomach turns over and I look away from Hadley for a beat, convinced I'm about to puke on the floor.
"No. You're lying," I whisper, unable to accept her words as pain splits my chest in two.
There's no fucking way it was that bad. She'd have told me.
"Conner," Hadley breathes, sympathy oozing off her.
"No, he beat her…” Bile rushes up my throat. “He didn’t… he wouldn't... No. Just. No."
"Conner," Hadley repeats, this time reaching out to me, but I flinch back, reality crashing down around my feet.
"He... he raped her?" My voice is barely audible, but I know she hears me because her face drops.
"I'm sorry. Fuck." She drops her head into her hands and shakes it back and forth. "I shouldn't have said that," she confesses.
"So you're lying. He didn't—"
"No, he did.” Hadley’s eyes fill with tears. “And I'm pretty sure it wasn't the first time either."
I storm past her, unable to deal with what she's trying to tell me, and plant my fists into my wall. It hurts, but it's not enough. Marching through the house, I don’t stop until the door to James' gym swings back and collides with the wall behind it.
Pulling my shirt over my head, I drop it to the floor and fly at my new addition. The red and black punching bag hangs right in the middle of the huge room.
Pain ricochets up my arm as my fists split against the soft leather, but no matter how hard I hit it, I know it's never going to be enough. Nothing aside from it being that motherfucker's face will ever be enough.
My hits come hard and fast as sweat begins to coat my skin and my chest heaves to drag in the oxygen I need.
When I've got nothing left, I wrap my arms around the bag and lean into it. Emotion clogs my throat and tears burn my eyes.
I should have known.
Why the fuck didn't I know?
If only she’d told me, I would have gone easier.
No wonder she ran at the first possible opportunity.
The roar that rips from my throat doesn't even sound like it belongs to me as it echoes off the mirrored walls.
"Conner?" Hadley's soft, concerned voice hits my ears and I wince. She wasn't meant to see that.
"You need to leave." My voice is hollow. I've got nothing left to give, and I fear what she might be about to witness if she hangs around.
"Go and talk to her. Please, Conner. You both just need to be honest with each other."
"No, what I need is for you to fucking leave and to keep your nose out of my business."
"You want to hurt someone?" she taunts, walking closer. "Hurt me all you like, Conner."
I sense her stop right beside me, and I turn toward her before I realize what I'm doing.
My eyes meet her determined ones, but they don't have any effect on the eruption of emotions warring inside me.
"I'm not going to hit you, Hadley."
"I meant with your words, asshole. You've got something you need to get off your chest, then I'm your girl. Come on."
"Stay. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Business."
I barge past her, my shoulder slamming into hers as I pass. Swiping my shirt from the floor, I pull it on before heading straight out to my car.
I can't be here right now. Although, I'm not sure I can be anywhere, to be honest.
I drive for hours before I pull over into a rest area so I can get out to take a piss.
Once I'm back in my car, I pull my cell from my pocket and stare down at the texts and missed calls. There are ones from Ace, Cole, Hadley, even James, but still nothing from Kenny.
My stomach twists to the point at which I worry I might be about to puke as I think back over last night. The way she let me treat her.
I push the door wide and retch, but nothing comes.
I ignore all the messages apart from one.
Levi: Unit 6. The Docks. You in?
My hand trembles as I stare down at his words.
They're vague, but I know exactly what he's asking me. Just like I know there's only one answer.
Conner: On my way.
I restart the car and spin it around so I can head toward the Heights. My grip on the wheel tightens as I imagine my already busted up knuckles making contact with some asshole’s face.
Maybe that will make me feel better. The punching bag in the gym sure did shit all.
Chapter Seventeen
Kennedy
Conner gave up.
It’s what I want... what I thought I wanted. But I can’t deny as I search the halls for him on Monday that I find the pang of disappointment festering inside me.
I know I deserve it. After our amazing night together, I freaked and ran. Again. But he still doesn’t know the truth about Warren.
Not the whole truth, anyway.
“Hadley,” I say, spotting her down the hall.
“Oh, uh, hi.” She keeps walking. “I’ve got an appointment.”
“You have?” I frown, falling into step beside her. “You didn’t wait for m
e this morning.”
“I had to come in early.”
A tingle zips up my spine as I take in her skittish expression. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Her smile is strained.
“I haven’t seen Conner, is he—”
“I really need to go, Kennedy, but we’ll catch up soon, okay?”
I watch her walk away, my brows furrowing. That was weird. And then it hits me, she’s taking his side. My stomach sinks. I thought Hadley got it, that she understood.
I should have known better.
Hitching my bag up my shoulder, I double back around and head for my next class. When I enter the room, Marissa glares at me. I ignore her, dragging my ass to my desk. It’s next to the window, which is where I spend the next thirty minutes staring, unable to focus.
Pulling my cell out, I discreetly cradle it in my lap, finding Conner’s number. The urge to text him burns through me, but as I read all his unanswered texts, guilt gnaws at me. He’s angry. But so I am I.
It’s like I’m two people—the Kennedy who wants to forgive and forget, and the Kennedy who can’t let go. If Conner had never left the Heights, if he’d claimed me as his own, I would have never ended up with Warren. I wouldn’t have lived the last six months of my life in sheer terror.
At first, it was all new and exciting. Warren was insatiable, constantly touching me and kissing me. It was heady to know a guy like Warren wanted a girl like me. But it quickly became suffocating. School had ended by then, and Conner was around less and less.
The first time he physically hurt me was right after Conner left. I’d been upset, and Warren had gotten so angry.
A shudder rips through me as I force the memories back in their locked box. Something catches my eye out of the window, a trickle of fear racing down my spine, but when I glance up, there’s nothing there.
“Miss Lowe, are you with us?” The teacher quirks a brow at me.
“Yes, sorry.”
Marissa and her friends snicker, throwing shade my way. Stupid bitches. All they have to worry about is getting mani-pedis and what outfit to wear at the next party. They don’t know what it’s like to be so scared you can hardly breathe.