by Caitlyn Dare
Pulling myself up, I step inside and look around my dank, disgusting surroundings. This trailer was always a shithole, but right now it's even worse than ever. The smoke only masks the smell of piss that seems to permeate the air as I step farther inside, making my stomach turn over.
Despite the fact that I'm expecting to find someone, the sight of Warren's dad slumped on the couch still startles me slightly.
"Whar ya doin..." he slurs at me, the cigarette in his hand dropping to the floor as his eyes find mine.
"How could you?" I fly at him. My fist clenches in his dirty wifebeater as I pull him from the couch and get right in his face. Although I regret it the second he breathes out and I damn near heave at the stench of his breath. "You're fucking scum, you know that?"
He shrugs, lifting his bottle that he's managed to keep hold of in his hand. It collides with the few teeth he's got left before the majority of what he tips out dribbles down his chin and onto my hand.
"You fucking knew what he was doing to her, didn't you, you piece of shit."
"His girl, his business."
"Motherfucker," I roar, pulling my arm back and slamming my fist into his face.
His legs immediately give out, but I'm not letting him out of this that easily. He can't sit by and allow that shit to go on under his roof.
His nose shatters, covering both of us in blood, his eyebrow and lips split open, but I don't stop. I can't. I'm lost to the beast inside me that has been begging to get out since I learned the truth. This might be the wrong cunt, but it's as close as I'm going to get until I find his motherfucking son.
Eventually, I let him drop to the ground, but only so I can take care of his ribs. I kick him over and over. To start with, he grunts in pain, but after a while he falls silent.
It's not until a car backfires outside that I manage to emerge from the haze I'd lost myself in and back away from his body.
There's some shouting, I have no idea if it's directed at me, but I don't hang around to find out. Without knowing if he's dead or alive, I run from the trailer, jump in my car, and speed out of there in the hope that no fucker who gives a shit saw me.
I feel more relaxed when I pull up at home, ignoring the guilt gnawing at my stomach. Cole's car and Ace's bike both sit in the driveway. I look up at the house, wondering what my chances of getting inside unnoticed are.
On a normal day, I'd say high, but while I'm covered in that cunt’s blood, something tells me that I'll be spotted.
Fate for being a total fucking fuck-up.
I lock down images of Kenny from earlier. I couldn't deal with that back then, and I certainly can't right now.
Taking my chances, I get out and march toward the side door in the hope that I can slip inside unnoticed.
"Conner, is that you?" Ellen calls out the second I'm inside the house.
How'd she do that?
"Yeah, I'm just going for a shower."
"Okay, sweetie. I've made cookies."
My stomach growls at the thought and I run up the stairs, hoping that if I'm quick enough they'll still be warm.
Voices sound out from Cole's bedroom, but I slip into the bathroom before anyone emerges.
Ripping off my blood-stained, sweaty clothes, I turn the shower on as hot as it'll go and step under the spray.
It burns the second the water hits my skin, but I don't turn it down. I deserve the pain. I need the pain.
Tipping my head back, I let the water rush over my face, hopefully washing away the evidence of what I just did.
The image of his lifeless body pops into my head, but I push it away. So what if it killed him? Motherfucker deserved it.
But while that may be true, killing his father is a sure-fire way to get Warren out of hiding.
Reaching out, I rest my palms on the tiles and let the water rain down on my back.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to forget about him, but instead images of Kenny come rushing back.
I can see her sitting astride my lap almost as clearly as if it's happening right now. I picture the way her tiny hand brushed down her stomach and pushed inside her panties.
"Fuck," I groan, my cock swelling.
She was so tight, so fucking tight and hot as she greedily sucked my fingers into her pussy. But that was nothing compared to when I pushed the tip of my cock to her entrance.
"Fuck," I bellow, my already busted up fists landing on the marble tiles before me, pain shooting down my arm right to my shoulder.
Why couldn't I do it? We were right there. All I had to do was sink inside her. Instead, I'm the pussy who only got the fucking tip in.
I'm a fucking embarrassment to mankind.
My cries echo around the bathroom as I rain fury down on the wall. My blood coats the tiles, but I don't stop. I can't. I need it so fucking bad.
Tears stream down my cheeks, but they're washed away, along with the blood that turns the water pink.
"Conner, you okay, bro?" Cole shouts through.
Angrily, I wipe at my cheeks, ashamed that I've allowed myself to fall to this level of desperation.
"Y-yeah. I'm good."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." Just trying to work through my shit via my fists, not my cock.
Why can't I fuck this anger out of my system just like everyone else does? I should be able to lose myself in my girl and forget about all this bullshit.
I have no idea how long I'm in that shower, but I assume that Cole's fucked off because he doesn't say anything else.
I wipe away the evidence of my meltdown and step out, wrapping a towel around my waist and gathering my clothes in my arms, ready to toss them in the garbage because I already know that amount of blood isn't coming out of them.
The hallway is quiet when I pull the door open, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I step out and find no one waiting for me.
I'm amazed Cole believed me, even I could hear the pain in my voice when I responded to him.
I soon realize I'm right when I step inside my room and find Hadley sitting on the edge of my bed with a concerned expression on her face.
"Hey," I say sadly, dropping the bundle of clothes behind me in the hope she doesn't see the blood.
"Hey. Cole wanted to kick the bathroom door in. I managed to talk him out of it. He's gone down to the gym."
"Great," I mutter, walking to the window and turning my back on her.
"We're worried about you, Con." Unable to keep the distance between us, she walks over and stands beside me.
"You don't need to be. I'm fine."
"Conner," she says on a sigh, and I immediately know that I'm not getting out of this.
Her fingers brush my hand until they twist with mine and grip tightly. She turns so she's facing me and rests her ass on the windowsill.
"We care too much to let you deal with this alone."
"Cole told you." It's not a question. I can see the answer in her eyes.
She winces. "Yeah."
"Well, great. Don't tell me Ace and Remi know too."
"No, Con. We wouldn't betray you like that. Cole's just worried. Wanted my advice."
"Well, go on then. I'm waiting."
I keep my eyes locked out the window, unable to look at her while she discusses my issue.
"Honestly, I don't really have any, other than you need to take the pressure off yourself. None of this is meant to be easy to deal with. If we all just got on with shit like everything is normal while our lives fall apart, then we wouldn't be human."
"You do."
"Really? Conner, you saw me at my lowest. Cole too. You know for a fact that we didn't handle shit well."
"So what are you suggesting?" My eyes come to hers, narrowing in desperation. I need someone to give me the answers right now. I need someone to fix this. I need to stop hurting Kenny like this.
"Just take every day as it comes. Kenny loves you. She'll stand beside you while you work all this out."
"And if she doesn't?" I ask, hating th
e vulnerability that creeps into my voice. I'm well aware that while I've told her over and over again that I love her, she's not once said it back. Sure, I see it, or at least I think I do, in her eyes. But I need more.
"Her loyalty isn't in question here, Conner. You're it for her. Just give yourself time and trust her to know what she wants, what she needs. She won't let you do anything she's not happy with. But also, you need to trust yourself. You're a good person, Conner. The best. You'd never hurt anyone."
I almost choke on nothing at her words. If only she knew what I did tonight.
"Someone you care about, I should say. We've all seen you in the ring. You've got a mean left hook."
A laugh rips from my throat, and it feels so fucking good after the last few hours.
Tugging on her hand that's still attached to mine, I pull her into my chest and wrap my arms around her shoulders. Dropping my lips to her hair, I kiss her, needing her to know how incredible she is.
"Conner," she mutters against my chest after trying to pull away but finding herself unable to because her embrace, her support, feels too good.
"Uh huh?"
"Let go, you're wet."
"Hmm... shouldn't that be my line?"
"Fucking hell," she laughs, swatting my chest playfully.
"You are though, right? I mean look," I gesture to my naked chest. "I'm practically naked right now."
I drop my hands to the top of my towel as if I'm going to rip it off, and she runs to the door, laughing and covering her eyes. "Don't even think about it, Jagger."
"Your loss. It's so much bigger than Cole's."
"It's good to know you haven’t lost your sense of humor," she says, stopping in the doorway and turning back to me.
"Nah, I'll always be funny, Hads. It's who I am."
"Funny. Riiight."
Shaking my head at her, I lift my hand to push my wet hair out of my face.
"Seriously though, you know where I am if you need me, right?"
I nod at her before she disappears down the stairs. Probably to find Cole and to let him do fuck knows what to her in the gym, exactly as they should.
Falling back onto my bed, I stare at the ceiling once more.
Time.
Is that really the answer to all my issues?
And if it is, how much is necessary? Because I'm already bored of waiting.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Kennedy
I can’t believe we’re back to this. Conner avoiding me and me growing more anxious by the minute.
After he dropped me back at the dorms Monday night, I haven’t seen him. He texted yesterday to apologize and say that he needs some more time.
Then today, when I texted earlier suggesting we do something fun with our Friday night, like head to the pier or hang out at the pool house, he said he had a family thing.
Irritated, I dial Hadley’s number. She answers on the second ring. “Hey, you.”
“Hey, have you seen—”
Laughter sounds in the background, laughter I’d know anywhere.
“I was going to ask if you’d seen Conner, but I guess you’re part of their family now.” I can barely contain my hurt.
“Kennedy, it isn’t even like that.”
“No? So why the fuck am I sitting here alone, and you’re there with my boyfriend? Can I talk to him?”
“I...” The line goes quiet, and I hear muffled voices.
“K?” The agony in his voice cuts through me like a blade.
“Where are you? What’s going on?” I hate the insecurity in my voice, but this back and forth is driving me crazy. If Conner can’t be with me yet, I understand. What I don’t understand is why he has to continually push me away.
“My dad and Sarah wanted to celebrate their engagement. It was kind of last minute.”
“You’re all there?” Without me? I swallow the words.
Of course they are. Remi lives there, and Hadley stays over there more than she does here.
“I didn’t think...”
“Yeah, no. Of course. You should go be with your family.” The word is like ash on my tongue.
“Kennedy, wait—”
“It’s fine, Conner. I get it. I’ve got to go.” I hang up and curl into a ball, letting the tears fall.
He says he loves me. He says that he wants me, that he needs time.
So why does it hurt so much?
My cell vibrates and I read his message.
Conner: I swear it was a last minute thing. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry, K... for everything. Why don’t you come over when we’re done? We can hang out?
I stare at his words, wishing they would ease the knot in my stomach. I’d suggested that earlier and he’d blown me off. I don’t want a pity invite.
Me: I have a ton of homework. Find me when you’ve sorted your shit out.
I don’t, but he doesn’t need to know that. Powering off my phone, I pull the covers over me and close my eyes.
I wake with a start. It’s dark, the silvery hue of the moonlight trickling in through the blinds. My clock reads a little after midnight. I must have fallen asleep.
Rubbing my eyes, I turn my cell back on and wait for it to power up. There are no messages.
Nothing.
The wind howls against my windows outside. I heard we were due for a bad storm. Something crashes against the glass, and my heart lurches into my throat.
I clutch my phone, contemplating calling Hadley to see if she’s back. But I know she’s probably still at the Jaggers’. For all I know, Conner and Cole are keeping her company.
Jealousy burns through me. He says they only kissed, but I don’t know if I believe him. Conner and Hadley share a special bond, anyone who knows them can see that.
But is it more than just friendship?
God. I feel like I’m losing my freaking mind. Is this what it feels like to be in a normal relationship?
The constant self-doubt and questioning every little thing?
Not that I’m even sure that’s what this is.
Another crack at the window has my pulse spiking. I turn on the lamp and throw back the cover, padding across to the window. Pulling the blinds apart, I peer into the darkness. The trees behind the building bend and bow with the force of the wind, a loose branch striking the glass.
It’s just the wind.
I take a deep breath, my mind playing tricks on me as the trees begin to shift and shimmer into crooked fingers and eyeless monsters. For a second, I even think I see someone standing down there. But when I blink, the figure is gone, and I know I need to stop letting my mind run away with me.
Flicking the blind back in place, I climb back in bed and burrow beneath the covers.
Wishing more than ever that Conner was here.
Monday rolls around, and I don’t see Conner all morning.
“Hey,” Hadley joins me at my locker, “how are you?”
“How do you think?” I slam it a little too hard, and the echo reverberates through me.
“Listen, about Friday... I had no idea Conner had—”
“Look, Hadley. It’s obvious you and Conner share some kind of bond. You were friends first, right, so I get it. Your loyalty lies with him.”
“It isn’t like that.” She lets out a small sigh. “I want us to be friends, I do. But he’s going through some stuff—”
“You think I don’t know that?” I narrow my eyes at her, when realization sinks into me. “You know, don’t you?”
“I swear Conner didn’t tell me. It was Cole.”
“Great, that’s just great.” I bet Ace and Remi know, too. I bet they all sat around talking about it, because they’re family...
And I’m not.
“I need to get to class.” I shove past Hadley, but she grabs my arm at the last second.
“You’ll get through this. Conner just needs time.”
“Whatever.” I shirk her off and take off down the hall.
Lylah and Marissa g
ive me a wide berth, but I barely notice them, too lost in my own misery. I’m almost at my next class, when I pass the library. Something catches my eye and I peer inside.
Conner is huddled close with Aimee as he goes over her notes with her. She giggles at something he says, and he smiles.
He fucking smiles.
He’s just tutoring her. But it’s too much. His friendship with Hadley. His arrangement with tutor girl. I’m beginning to think the problem isn’t what Warren did to me.
It’s just me.
“This is new.” Cole approaches me as I sit outside in the bitter wind. The storm passed, but the wind is still brutal.
“I needed some air.”
“Yeah, I get that.”
“What do you want, Cole?” I release a strained breath.
“Just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing? Ask if my ass of a brother has managed to get over himself yet?”
“Do you think I’d be sitting here if he had?” My brow lifts.
“Touché. If it’s any consolation, he’s as miserable as you are.”
“I’m not—” I swallow the words, because he’s right. I am miserable. And hurt. And pissed.
“Look, a little word of advice? My brother has a big heart. Sometimes it gets in the way.”
“I’m done putting myself out there, Cole. I can’t keep being knocked back. It’s killing me.”
“Shit, Kenny. I didn’t—”
“It’s fine. Maybe it’s better this way.”
“Do you really believe that? You and Conner have that childhood sweetheart thing going on. You’re destined or some shit. But it might take more than a gentle push to make him see what’s right in front of him.”
“And if I can’t do it?”
“Then are you prepared for someone to swoop in and steal him out from under you?” He points to the library window, and right there are Conner and Aimee again.
“He’s doing her a favor because he’s a good person. But she’s reading too much into it. Are you really going to stand back and—”