by Lee Piper
Dominic sighed. “Yeah.” He paused for a moment and I found myself once again clenching the bejesus out of my coverlet. I’d have to iron it later. “Anyway, the moment I laid eyes on her I was a goner. She was fuckin’ stunning, with long black hair, dark eyes, legs which went on forever and her tits—” He groaned.
“Enough, I get the visual.”
He chuckled. “Jealous?”
“No,” I lied.
“Trust me, you’ve got nothing to be jealous of. That woman might have looked like a supermodel but underneath she was a cold-hearted bitch.”
“Ouch.”
Dominic continued. “At the time, I thought Allie was the holy grail of pussy. We started seeing each other, one thing led to another and soon enough we became inseparable. Or so I thought. You see, Mac had me working on this 1956 canary yellow Chevrolet for a priority customer so we needed it done on a tight turnaround. I started pulling extra hours at the garage—” He swore. “Levi warned me, said she was nothing but trouble, that she flirted with men all the time behind my back but like a fuckin’ idiot, I ignored him.”
My heart ached at the anger-laced regret in his voice and for the billionth time, wished I was in Melbourne with him. “Don’t talk about yourself that way, Dominic. You weren’t an idiot, you were in love.”
“It’s the same goddamn thing.”
I sighed.
“A month after we restored the Chevy, Allie tells me she’s pregnant.” There was a high-pitched choking sound which I think came from me. “We hadn’t been together long, but I stupidly thought I was in love with the woman so was gonna make it work. My own flesh and blood didn’t deserve the title, dad, so unlike him, I was determined to do right by Allie and our kid.”
Closing my eyes, I took several deep breaths, only it did very little to ease the anxiety slowly unfurling in my stomach.
“Anyway, Allie and I moved in together not long after she dropped that mother of all fuckin’ bombshells. It seemed to work out great for a while, I took her to all of her medical appointments, cooked her weird-ass meals whenever she had a craving. Christ, I even massaged her swollen feet at the end of each day.”
Accept these emotions, Riley. They’re uncomfortable but necessary, you need to make room for them.
“The day Charlotte was born… I … I can’t even describe it, Riley.”
Amidst the hazy fog swirling around me, I somehow murmured, “You don’t need to. I’ve seen enough men break down at the sight of their newborn child to understand how life-changing it must be.”
Dominic took a deep breath. “It was like my world suddenly made sense, you know? I finally knew what my purpose was, what I was put on this earth for—to stand by my woman and raise my baby girl.”
He paused, and I took the time to identify the emotions coursing through my body just as Doctor Powell instructed.
Hmm, sadness, yep, you’re definitely there. Envy, yeah, wish you’d piss the hell off. What else? Oh, there you are, heartbreak. Damn, you really hurt.
“Allie changed completely after Charlotte was born. She cried all the time, refused to get out of bed, and wouldn’t even look her own kid in the eye. I thought she had postnatal depression or some shit, so did a heap of research about what would help and who she could get support from, but she wasn’t interested. She just locked herself in our bedroom wanting to be left alone.”
“I ended up raising Charlotte by myself for the first few months. Not that I minded, the kid was as cute as anything despite chucking-up on every clean shirt I owned and hardly ever sleeping.” He paused and sensing something big was about to unfold, I trained my mind to focus solely on rhythmic breathing.
In and out. In and out. In—
“One Saturday, a knock at the front door changed everything.” Dominic’s voice turned hard. “Some asshole named Chad stood on my goddamn doorstep, claiming to be Charlotte’s father.”
I gasped.
“As soon as she heard his voice, Allie raced to where I had the motherfucker by the throat. She screamed at me to let him go,” his laugh was bitter, “because she loved him. Apparently, they had been screwing the entire time we were together but when he learned she was pregnant, freaked out and left. Not wanting to raise a kid by herself, Allie then led me to believe Charlotte was mine.” His voice turned soft, the pain in it momentarily robbing me of speech. “She felt like mine.”
I sat with the agonizing grief streaming its way through my limbs for a full minute before collecting myself. “Dominic, I’m so sorry.”
He coughed. “I took a paternity test and the asshole was right, Charlotte was his biological daughter. Since he decided to have a crack at father of the year, he took both my baby girl and pathetic excuse of a girlfriend back with him to Perth.” I could hear the hurt and frustration in his voice as he continued. “Legally, I didn’t have a leg to stand on so I had to let them go, even though it felt like he took a part of me with him.” Dominic paused, cleared his throat and said, “So, I’ve learned two powerful lessons, Riley. Never fall in love, it’s not fuckin’ worth it, and always suit up before bagging a chick.”
“You didn’t use a condom with me.”
“No.” I heard him swallow. “I didn’t.”
Finally, the last pieces of the puzzle that made up the man, Dominic Mondez, fell into place. And it was strange because the picture I saw staring back at me wasn’t at all what I expected.
****
I’d had a terrible day. Now, when I say terrible, I mean, being stabbed in the eye from a razorblade-wielding bandicoot would have been a welcome alternative. It was always like this. Doctor Powell told me that with time the hurt would heal, it would eventually fade, and in some respects it did, but in others… I groaned, curling myself into a tight ball on the couch.
Thankfully, I took the day off work so no one witnessed my emotional demise. Even Grace did not get a front row seat since she stumbled her way to bed after drinking three-quarters of a bottle of whiskey with lunch. That girl had way too much emotional baggage to deal with already, I simply refused to off-load on her. Reckon she’d wind up in hospital needing her stomach pumped if I did. With that in mind, I pretended to keep my shit together—for the morning at least—and acted as though it was not the anniversary of my brother’s disappearance.
It was so. Fucking. Hard.
Everything reminded me of him. I burned my toast and remembered how he once jammed the toaster and we had to call the fire department when the thing caught fire. I went for a jog and saw an elderly woman walking a Beagle almost identical to the stuffed animal he nicknamed Sergeant. Heck, I even made the mistake of turning on the TV only to be taunted with an episode of his favorite cartoon, Spiderman. And nothing helped, not cleaning the kitchen, organizing the linen closet or even rearranging my wardrobe. Needless to say, by the time evening rolled around, I refused to do anything but sit on the couch in the hopes the painful memories would somehow disappear.
They didn’t.
By the time the sky darkened and I found myself staring past the shadows which played on my living room wall from the streetlamp below, I gave up and dialed Dominic’s number. It wasn’t yet time for our daily phone call but I needed him, badly.
“Hey, angel, what’s up?” He paused, and I imagined him checking the time on his watch. “It’s a bit early, isn’t it?”
“I, ah—”
There was a rustling in the background and what sounded like him putting on some clothes. My head must have been seriously messed up since I didn’t even attempt to picture him naked.
I know, right?
“You okay to talk? I can call back later if you want?”
Despite his voice sounding slightly off, he replied, “Nah, it’s all good. What’s going on?” I could have sworn I heard the faint murmur of someone else speaking to him, but quickly disregarded it when Dominic suddenly grew angry. “Did that fucker hurt you? Is that why you’re calling? Swear to God, Riley, if he so much as—”
&n
bsp; “No, it’s nothing like that,” I interrupted. “Things between Robin and I are … fine, don’t stress.” Yeah, even to my own ears our relationship sounded as exciting as moldy crackers.
Don’t go there, girl. Focus on one mess at a time.
He swore but other than that, my words seemed to calm him down. “Okay, if everything’s so fuckin’ spectacular with lover-boy, what’s wrong?”
I took a deep breath and counted to five before exhaling.
This is it, Riley. It was time he learned the truth.
“Did you know I had a brother?”
“A brother?” The shock in his voice was obvious, and I wasn’t at all surprised. I mean, apart from Grace, Doctor Powell, and my parents, no one else knew anything about my sibling. The friends Toby used to play with were all grown-up now and many had moved away from Geographe Bay, while I purposefully avoided contact with anyone who reminded me of what I lost, my own childhood friends included—except Grace.
“His name was Toby.” My voice trembled, so I cleared my throat before continuing. “He was one of those kids who was always full of energy, you know? From the moment he woke up in the morning to the second he fell asleep at night, Toby operated solely on one speed—full throttle.” I gave the ghost of a smile. “And he could be a total shit too. He used to put sand in my bed sheets, bugs in my socks.” I paused. “He even swapped my glass of water with apple cider vinegar once.” Shaking my head, I muttered, “Man, I let him have it that day.”
I fell silent for a moment, collecting my thoughts. “But I loved him. God, how I loved that boy. His laughter, you don’t understand, it was the most beautiful—” The pain in my chest grew unbearable so I hugged my knees, curling myself into an even smaller ball.
My voice broke. “And now he’s gone. He’s gone, Dominic, and it’s all my fault.”
“What happened?” Dominic asked softly.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I told him everything. I mentioned how I begged my parents to let Toby and I go to the annual Beachside Summer Carnival unchaperoned thirteen years ago, how we spent the day going on ride after ride until we felt so queasy we collapsed together on the grass, how my little brother disappeared from my side when my back was turned, how the police detectives found no trace of him despite a nationwide search and finally, after body-wracking sobs, I even recounted how awful it was living at home because of my perceived ineptitude. I also explained how after moving out, I stopped eating and Grace forced me to seek the professional help of Doctor Powell who diagnosed me with anxiety.
By the end of my forty-minute monologue, Dominic knew every secret I had. He was the one man I trusted explicitly and, though ridiculously painful, speaking to him also helped ease some of the hurt. Not all of it, but enough to breathe again. Afterward, I felt lighter somehow, less hollow. It was such a bittersweet feeling, I uncurled myself and lay back on the couch, sighing.
“I wish I was holding you, right now.”
“Yeah.” I wiped away what was left of my tears with the back of my hand. “Me too.”
“I hate how you have to go through this alone.”
“I’m not alone, Dominic. I’ve got you, remember?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, you’ve got me, all right.” There was some movement in the background followed by frantic whispering. It was a female voice. A dynamite-filled balloon suddenly dropped and exploded in the pit of my stomach.
“You’re not alone.”
“Ah, no, I’m not. Hang on a second, Riley.”
There was an increasingly heated exchange between Dominic and whoever the hell was with him. I didn’t catch everything being said, only Dominic’s side of the conversation but it was enough, believe me.
My blood simmered to an angry boil.
“Give it a rest, Candi.” Murmuring echoed in my ear. “I told you I would, and I will.” More murmuring. “No, it’s nothing.” A high-pitched whine. “For fuck’s sake, she’s no one, okay? No one. Now give it a goddamn rest.”
My gasp must have alerted him to the fact that I wasn’t hearing impaired “Fuck. Riley, I didn’t mean—”
I was beyond livid. “You didn’t mean what, Dominic? That I’m nothing to you? That I’m no one?”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. Now, can you just—”
“No, I can’t. How dare you discount me like that. I just poured my heart out to you, you selfish prick, and you have the audacity to say I’m worthless?” I was panting. “Who the fuck is Candi, anyway? What kind of parents name their kid after a confection? Oh my God, she’s a stripper, isn’t she? I just revealed my deepest, darkest secret and you’re lying in bed next to a fucking stripper. Is this all some kind of joke to you?” I was mortified, so yeah, there was a lot of yelling. “You know what? Fuck you, Dominic. Fuck you hard.” And I hung up.
Another wave of tears burst forth, crippling me as I lay curled on the couch, only this time I wasn’t sure they would ever stop.
Chapter Nineteen
Only a truth can set you free,
Here is my truth now set me free.
—MONDEZ, “Finally”
Mae didn’t hesitate when I called to ask for a lift to work the next day. After opening the front door, I wasn’t surprised either when she scanned me up and down, bluntly stating, “You look like shit.”
I didn’t bother correcting her as she moved past me into the living room because she was right, I did look awful. My long hair impersonated a bird’s nest, my eyes were red and puffy, heck, I was still wearing the same clothes from yesterday since my tears somehow formed an adhesive glue which stuck me to the couch all night long.
“Come on, get dressed.”
I paused. “Mae, I don’t think I can face work today after all. I thought I could when I phoned you but…”
She snorted and gestured to my disheveled state. “Girl, there’s no way I’m letting you go into work today.” She gave a wicked smile. “Hurry up and get ready. Annabelle is in child care until five and I haven’t had a kid-free day in forever, so let’s make the most of it.”
“So, we’re both going to pretend to be sick? A bit obvious, don’t you think?”
Her eyes lit up. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. You’re taking a sick day, I’m taking carer’s leave—Annabelle suddenly came down with a fever or … something. I’ll figure it out before I phone work.”
“Oh, Mae.” My eyes watered. Not again, I was so over crying.
My friend gave me a hug and the pain in my chest eased slightly. “Riley, you never take time off work so whatever was going on with you yesterday must have been pretty bad and judging by the looks of you now, it was even worse than that.” She released me and turned my shoulders until I faced the bathroom, nudging me forward. “Scoot, you’re not to leave that room until you’ve showered and put on an outfit that doesn’t stink of depression.”
I threw a smile over my shoulder, murmuring, “Thank you.”
She winked.
“Where are we heading exactly?” We were driving south along the freeway in Mae’s beat-up Corolla. The engine smoked whenever she accelerated and an ominous clunking sounded from the rear end every time she braked, but Mae simply turned the stereo up and ignored it so I did the same.
She lowered the volume from ear-splitting levels to something more conversation-friendly. “We’re spending the morning at Serenity Day Spa.”
I blinked. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed a good pampering just as much as the next person but Serenity Day Spa was exclusive with a capital E. A-list celebrities flew in from all over the country for their elite treatment packages that promised privacy, exceptional service, and locally sourced organic products. Last time I checked they had a waiting list until February. “How did you manage that?”
Mae shrugged. “I know a person who knows a person, no big deal.”
“Impressive.”
She smiled.
Our day together was exactly what I needed. We received the deluxe pamper package at
Serenity. Two hours, a mud bath, and a honey-soaked body wrap later, I started to feel reborn. So much so, I dragged Mae to a hairdresser after deciding I wanted a completely new style. Gazing in the mirror at my new wavy, shoulder-length bob with super cute fringe, I realized I liked the woman slowly unraveling before me. In fact, the sparkle in her eye lead me straight to a destination I never thought I would have the guts to go.
“Oh, hell no,” Mae declared as I stood outside the front of Wicked Ink, Geographe Bay’s notorious body piercing and tattoo studio. “I hear it’s run by bikers. I’ve got a daughter to consider, Riley, I can’t go in there.”
Looking behind me as I strode through the entrance, I replied, “Okay.”
Yeah, I was loving the real me, she was confident, courageous and a total badass.
With a groan, Mae followed.
An hour and a half later, I was sore but ridiculously proud of myself. Not only did I get a super cute diamond nose stud—even Mae agreed it looked hot—but I also got a tattoo.
Fuck yeah, a tattoo.
It was absolutely perfect. Lovingly placed on my right shoulder blade was a vintage birdcage, the door flung wide-open with a blue, black, and white fairy-wren soaring mid-air above. This tattoo spoke of everything I felt, of the person I was becoming. And I liked her, a hell of a lot.
You see, I changed that day, I truly did. Dominic’s insensitivity the night before, though brutal in its delivery, forced me to realize something glorious…
I am someone.
I am worthy.
I. Am. Enough.
I did not need to seek forgiveness from my parents, I did not need the affection of a man to feel whole, I did not need a job that no longer fulfilled me. I did not need any of it. All that mattered was being true to myself, loyal to my friends and fearless of the future. And once I ignored the dull ache taking up most of my hollow insides, I was excited for the future, which probably accounted for my momentous decision. I was going to quit midwifery and focus solely on my online business. For real. It was strange, what started off as the day from Satan’s anus suddenly became the first day of the rest of my life—I was going to make the most of it.