Mal stared straight through her. “Damon Mays shot him. I couldn’t do a damn thing to save him.” He looked down at his hands, spread on his knees. “I nearly killed Damon with my bare hands. I would have if another agent hadn’t gotten there in time to stop me.”
She hadn’t been able to track those guns fast enough, and Mal’s partner had paid the price. A young man had died.
She wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and never come out.
She swallowed a sob. “I’m so sorry.”
His head shot up. “That wasn’t your fault. If it hadn’t been Carabini’s guns, it would have been someone else’s. It wasn’t your fault.”
She’d screwed up. She hadn’t been good enough. “I couldn’t track them fast enough.”
“Janey, I’m a plant.”
Her head shot up. “What?”
“I was sent here to investigate DeMarcos’ ties to Carabini.”
Janey’s stomach knotted. “I don’t understand.”
He looked heartsick. “The DeMarcos were linked to Carabini. The CIA wanted to know how and why. I needed to know.”
Oh, God. She was beginning to see where this was going. And she didn’t like it. “You’ve been spying on us, on me, searching for information. You thought I was in league with Carabini in some way.”
He didn’t look away. “I now know you’ve been working with Nabosny on his case. I don’t believe you were ever involved in any way with Carabini except to supply Nabosny with intel.”
She barely heard him over the ringing in her ears. “You slept with me to get inside my house, to find out more information?”
“No.” Pain flashed through his eyes and he grimaced. “No, I meant what I said. I—”
“Don’t!” She cringed at the wealth of hurt in the sound. “Just…don’t.” She rose from the table, then didn’t know why she’d gotten up. She grabbed the back of the dining room chair and held on. “What else is there?”
He shook his head. “Nothing. There’s nothing else. Except that I never meant to hurt you. And I know I did. I know you hate me and I don’t blame you. I know it doesn’t mean shit right now. But I did this. Not you. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. I love you, Janey.”
Those three little words made it painful for her to breathe. But he was wrong. She hadn’t done her homework well enough and she’d disgraced her family. Tears burned her eyes, and her stomach knotted. Oh, God. What was this going to do to her father?
She looked at the table just in front of Mal. “You’ve got to go.”
He shoved a hand roughly through his hair. “Just let me call Annie to come over—”
Bitterness and fury welled inside. “You don’t get to play the hero now,” she bit out. “You just need to leave.”
His face contorted in a grimace. “I know. But I don’t want to leave. I’m afraid if we don’t talk now, you’ll blame yourself for this and it’s not your fault.”
She wanted to tell him he was wrong, wanted to tell him to go to hell, but she knew if she spoke, she’d release the heartache and be sucked into the black vacuum inside her. She’d trusted him—trusted him with her body and her heart. And she’d been used. By the man she’d actually thought herself—
No. She wouldn’t even think that in his presence.
God, she was so damn gullible. She raked a glance over him, noting the clenched hands at his sides, the rigidness of his body and the pain in his eyes.
“I know exactly whose fault this is.” Mine. “You need to go. Now.”
He rose and for one brief second, she was torn between wanting him to hold her and tell her it was all a nightmare and wanting him to disappear.
He was halfway across the room when someone started to bang on the door, hard and angry.
“Janey, open the door.” Nic, sounding raw and furious. “Come on, I know you’re in there. Honey, open the door.”
Mal had turned the knob before she could think to stop him. Nic’s fist caught him in the chin before the door was halfway open. He stumbled back but didn’t raise a hand to defend himself.
“You’re a deadman.” Nic’s low-pitched, furious voice scraped on Janey’s raw nerves.
“Dominic.”
He never took his eyes off Mal. “Get out. If I see you again, I don’t care who you work for, I’ll kill you.”
Mal didn’t back down. Instead he turned and looked into her eyes. “I’m sorry, Janey.”
Janey felt as though someone had plunged an ice pick in her heart. She turned toward the kitchen.
“Out.” Nic voice rumbled from somewhere deep. “Now.”
She heard silence and then the front door opened and closed.
She reached the counter and held on for dear life. She could feel the tears start but refused to allow them to fall in front of her brother.
He came up behind her. She could feel his presence, large and solid. “You all right?”
She nodded. “You want something to drink?”
“I think that should be my question.”
She pulled a wine bottle and a beer from the fridge. Nic came up behind her and took the beer.
“You want me to maim him?”
She felt hysterical laughter bubble up and quickly squashed it. “I think you might get in trouble for that.”
“No one would ever find the body.” His tone gentled, though she heard his frustration. “Want to tell me what the hell was going on?”
She poured a glass of wine for herself, took a healthy swallow, then forced herself to face Nic. “Luke didn’t tell you?”
Nic’s jaw tightened. “He told me enough. He’s next on my list for getting you involved in his shit. This never would’ve been a problem—”
Janey laid two fingers over his mouth. “You don’t get it, do you? Damn it, Nic, I’m sick of being the only one without a purpose. I turned down an NSA job because I didn’t want to leave my family. How scared is that? The only time I’ve ever left was for college and I roomed with my best friend for four years. You don’t find anything wrong with that?”
“No, Janey, damn it, I don’t. Why is any of that so bad?”
“Because I’ve let myself be put in this little box and I screwed up. I screwed up big-time.” She couldn’t hold the tears in and they streamed down her face. “Dad can’t have this stress. I’m just so damn gullible.”
“Damn it.” Nic pulled her against him and held her tight, her tears soaking through his white T-shirt. “This isn’t your fault. If anyone’s to blame, then blame me and Jimmy and Mom and Dad. We put you in that box.”
“No—”
Nic pulled her toward the couch and drew her down with him. “Yeah, we did. We put you there when you were five, and we never let you out. It was my fault you were taken. Did you know that? I left you alone in the garden for no more than a minute and you were gone. Two fucking miserable days. Benny Kruchov had someone at the vineyard for a few months, trying to find some guy Mom and Dad smuggled out of the USSR a while back. Some scientist. Anyway, this woman Kruchov hired thought it would be good if she took you for leverage. Damn good thing Kruchov had a sense of honor. He returned you when he found out. Mom cried the whole time you were gone.”
“I know all of this—”
“Afterward, we tried to act like it’d never happened. We didn’t want to make you paranoid, afraid to live your life, always looking over your shoulder. We decided we wouldn’t tell you until you were older and could understand—”
“I know, Nic. I don’t see what—”
“Instead of you being afraid, we were, Janey. We were the ones who were constantly looking over your shoulder, always afraid something was going to happen to you. We practically hog-tied you to get you to stay with us. How sick is that?”
She shook her head. “I could have said no. I could have taken that job with the NSA or said yes to any number of offers I’ve gotten over the years. And yes, there’ve been several. But I didn’t. So you don’t get to take all the blame for yoursel
f. I love you all but I do have friends and lovers…”
Who never turned out to be who she thought they were.
“Janey?”
She met Nic’s still-furious gaze. “What?”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
She shook her head. “I think I just want to go to bed. I’m tired.”
“All right, I’ll just stay out here—”
“No. No, I want to be alone.”
Nic looked about to say something but she held his gaze until he nodded and stood. “All right, hon, but don’t put yourself on the rack for this. He had us all snowed.”
Her, worst of all. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Chapter Twenty
Janey couldn’t have felt more stunned if her mother had pulled a gun and shot her as she sat on the couch in her parents’ living room.
“You knew?”
Her mom looked heartsick, her hands twisted in a knot on her lap. Her dad sat next to her, his skin turning an alarming shade of pale.
“I’m so sorry.” Grace’s voice cracked on the last word. “Yes, we knew, but we didn’t tell you or your brothers because we didn’t want to taint Mal’s investigation. And since we didn’t have a clue where the accusations were coming from, we didn’t know if telling the three of you would have an adverse effect on the investigation. And we had no idea you and he were… Well, we would have told you if we’d realized what was going on between the two of you. You were so adamant that nothing was going to happen, I figured we didn’t have to worry.”
Janey didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what she could say. She certainly didn’t want to upset her dad any more than he was already. She wanted to scream at her mom, then cry her heart out in her arms. And she couldn’t do either. Calm, she had to be calm.
“Janey, why didn’t you tell us you were working with Luke?” Her mother sounded sad. “Were you afraid we’d be angry?”
“No, Mom, not angry.” She shot her father a guilty glance and he tipped a wry grin at her.
“You didn’t want to worry me, did you?” He leaned forward and took her hands in his large, warm ones. “I guess I didn’t tell you often enough that I’m fine.”
Tears welled at the expression on his face. “The doctors said you couldn’t have any stress.”
Her dad’s grimace looked pained. “Listen to me, sweetheart. You are not single-handedly responsible for the well-being of this family. You are responsible for your own happiness.” He paused and looked at her mom, whose own gaze was sober. “And, possibly, one other’s.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about that. Not now.” It was still too close to her heart. “I can’t do that now.”
Her mom gave her a weak smile. “Do you love him?”
She answered before she could stop herself. “How could I? It was all lies.”
“Do you really think so little of yourself?”
Janey just shook her head. And changed the subject. “So you got the boy back safely yesterday?”
Her mother looked as if she wasn’t going to let Janey do it. Finally, she answered. “Yes. Thank God. They left on the first plane to Europe this morning.”
“Good, that’s good.” She rose, grabbed her purse and coat. “I need a break, Mom. I don’t know how long. I’m sure Annie will be able to help you with everything you need.”
Her mother’s expression was pained. “You can’t go anywhere just yet. We need to be in Washington tomorrow for a hearing. Just a formality to clear up this mess.”
She nodded. “Fine. But then I’m taking a break.”
***
“What do you mean, a break? Like a vacation?”
Gallagher’s shocked expression was laughable.
But Mal was deadly serious. “Yeah, I’ll be out of touch for a while and then…I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“What do you mean you don’t know what you’re going to do?” Gallagher’s face scrunched into a scowl. “That’s not how this works. So, you got a little bashed around the heart. Snap out of it. That’s life.”
Mal sat a little straighter in the chair in Gallagher’s Pentagon office. “I love her. And she’s not going to forgive me. I need a little time to figure some things out.”
Like what to do with my life.
His boss’s mouth dropped open. “You’re kidding, right? Mal, the Defense Secretary wanted your name for more than a polite thank-you letter. He had no idea Phillips had authorized an investigation of the DeMarcos, and he was mad as hell when he found out. He’s planning to be at that hearing tomorrow and I think Phillips is going to get a little more than he bargained for.”
Mal nodded. “Did you know that Phillips had tried to start an investigation on the DeMarcos before? Tried and failed?”
“Yeah, I heard that after I’d already sent you in. But you don’t want to mess with Phillips. He can be a bastard.”
“I’m not going to mess with him.” Mal was just going to tell it like it was. His father would be proud.
Gallagher looked relieved. “Well, at least that’s something. You got your testimony nailed down?”
“Yes, sir. After I make my testimony, I’m going to request a leave of absence.”
“Let’s just get through tomorrow, Mal. Then we’ll talk about all that other shit.”
Gallagher dropped into his chair and started going through papers on his desk. He didn’t need to add “dismissed” to the end of that sentence. Mal knew it was there.
When he stepped out of the Pentagon, he stood for a second, soaking in the warm May sunshine, and wondered what the hell he was going to do.
For the first time in a long time, work wasn’t doing it for him. He felt lost. He usually filled that emptiness with a case. Now, the only thing, the only person who could fill that hole was off-limits.
As he contemplated the rest of his pathetic life, his phone rang.
***
By the time Janey arrived at the office, it was already past ten. Half the morning gone, but she had no desire to do anything. Not even work was a comfort now.
Annie sat at her desk, shuffling through a folder of Nic’s and shaking her head. When Janey entered the room, she popped out of her seat and grabbed her for a hug.
“You want to talk?”
Janey pulled back to give her a level stare.
Annie nodded once. “All right. I’ll go first, then. Have I told you how much I hate your brother? He’s been a complete jerk all morning. So far, he’s picked on every single article of clothing I’m wearing. He doesn’t like my skirt length, my blouse is too low-cut and my coat is too tight. I was ready to take that little revolver you keep under the desk and shoot him.”
Annie sniffed indelicately, her fingers tugging at the hem of her skirt. “Now it’s your turn.”
Yes, it was. Misery loves company, after all. “He broke my heart. I want to hate him but…” Her lips twisted in a wry grin.
“Oh, sweetie.” Annie threw her arms around her and held on. “This guy was the real deal, wasn’t he?”
Janey wouldn’t cry again. She’d cried herself to sleep last night. She’d cried on the way to the office. But that was it. No more. She was moving on. She just didn’t know where to.
“Obviously, he wasn’t.” She sighed, but it sounded an awful lot like a sob. “Annie, what am I gonna do?”
“Do you want a little unsolicited advice?”
Janey nodded. “Sure. I can use all the help I can get.”
Annie’s voice had tears in it when she answered. “Track him down. Beat the hell out of him. Then kiss and make up. You love him, right?”
Janey worried her bottom lip with her teeth for a few seconds. “Yeah, I do.”
“Then you’re going to have to fight for him.” Annie’s tone turned fierce. “And I’ve never known you to run from a fight. You like them too much.”
Janey looked out the window at the gray Philadelphia afternoon. The skies had been threatening rain a
ll day but hadn’t released yet. It would probably start on her way home. Perfect.
“I tried to reach him,” she finally answered. “In an extreme moment of weakness this morning, I tried to track him down. I couldn’t get past the receptionist at Fort Meade. I can’t even find a phone number for the guy. It’s like he’s fallen off the face of the earth.”
“What about his aunt?”
Janey shook her head. “They wouldn’t tell me what rehab she’d been sent to. And I called his apartment here in Philly, but the phone’s disconnected.”
“So, use that brilliant brain of yours and track him down. Go to Fort Meade and sit in front of the building until he shows up. If you think he’s worth fighting for and you want him, then you can’t give up this easily. Do something besides sit here and mope.”
“I just don’t know what to think. He fooled me so easily. Maybe he doesn’t want me to find him. Maybe I told him off too well last night.”
“You were hurt.” Annie shrugged. “It’s understandable. But did you ever think that maybe the guy’s out there pining away for you, sure that you don’t want him?”
Yeah, she’d dreamed about that. She hoped he was just as miserable as she was. But she couldn’t really let herself believe it.
“Oh, yeah.” Annie rummaged through the precise stack of notes on her desk. “Bennett called. He wanted to thank you for closing his case and to offer you a job, should you ever want one.” Annie pulled a face. “Can you imagine working for that creep?”
No, but it reminded her that she’d been right. She’d been right about Carla Wilson, about her ties to Bennett.
Janey realized, with a stunned sense of surprise, that her instincts hadn’t been completely misguided. In the chaos of last night, she’d forgotten that.
Maybe she’d been right about other things as well.
Chapter Twenty-One
Grace DeMarco crossed one shapely leg over the other and leaned into the loveseat, holding Frank’s hand. She was dressed for work in a forest-green suit, but Frank looked ready for a construction site in weathered denims and a blue sweater that had seen better days.
Grace’s expression looked welcoming. Frank…looked ready to toss him to the wolves.
Sex, Lies and Surveillance Page 23