by C. J. Duggan
I felt the vibration of Ben’s laugh against my back as he nuzzled my neck. ‘Going somewhere?’ he asked, pressing into my rump, almost diverting me from my mission, until: eureka! I dug into the pocket of my wallet, retrieving the magical silver square from inside. I swear a beacon of light should have shone down on it, I was so happy to see it. God bless Sammi for giving it to me as a bon voyage gift. I had hated her at the time for being such a smartarse, but now I owed her a thank-you card and a basket of fruit.
Without saying a word, Ben took it from my fingers and ripped it open with his teeth; sitting on his haunches he sheathed himself, and that’s when I started to feel my heart race. I knew the size of him – I had felt him, tasted him. It had been a long time since I’d been with anyone. I was afraid of what was to come, or worse, that he might come to his senses and stop altogether. I lay on my back looking at him, feeling the pang of nervousness as he lowered himself down to me again, kissing me once, twice, three times while moving my legs apart with his knees. His tongue slipped into my mouth, building the intensity in the place where he would invade me.
Ben teased the most intimate part of me, gliding himself against me but not penetrating, teasing me and loving every moment. I squirmed underneath him, bucking my hips.
‘Ben,’ I gasped, loving him and hating him all at the same time but, just as he smiled that cocky smile, he hooked my legs over his shoulders. I swallowed, nervous about the position, not knowing how deep or how hard he was likely to go but as soon as he began slowly pushing into me, I forgot to care. I watched him watching where we joined, teasing himself in, inch by inch. I felt so impossibly stretched, there was no way he was going to fit, it just wasn’t going to happen, but as he lifted his eyes to mine, my thoughts were calmed by how beautiful he was. I couldn’t believe that the man who had once made me feel so small, so intimidated was now tender, watching me manage my breathing – in, out, in, out. My fingers pressed sharply into his sides as he pushed fully inside me. My breath fled and I stiffened, so deep was he, filling me completely. I was barely breathing, thinking it was too much, absolutely too much, and then he moved, pushing his weight against my legs. My hands splayed against the bedhead, bracing myself against his long, luscious strokes. He knew what he was doing, and how to build the most delicious friction; the way he looked down and watched himself move in and out of me was almost enough to send me over the edge.
I bit my lip and pushed my head against the pillow as Ben’s thrusts became more fevered, more urgent, the cords of his muscles tightening, a vein in his neck pulsing as he lost himself so totally in me. I wanted to run my tongue along his neck but before I could he let my legs fall and claimed my mouth with his. He kissed me tenderly, such a contrast to how he’d fucked me. His hand dived between my legs, his thumb running expert, maddening circles over the sensitive bud, eliciting guttural moans from me. My hands grabbed at his shoulder blades; I rocked my hips into his and bit his shoulder, clawing at his skin, which only seemed to encourage a new sense of need in him. The press of his forehead against mine was intimate but his attention was on my breasts, watching the way they moved every time he thrust into me.
I cupped his face. ‘Look at me,’ I pleaded, not knowing why it was important, but it was. I wanted him to see me. He wasn’t present in so many aspects of his life, and if I needed it, then so did he. Maybe this would be the only time we would truly see each other, the only time we would sate our bodies and fulfil our urges. The only time we would give in to our need.
Ben pulled back and my heart twisted in fear that it was too much, I had pushed too far and now he was going to run, but he pulled me with him. He sat against my bedhead, gesturing for me to straddle him, just as I had done on the stairs. I lowered myself onto him, gripping his shoulders, gasping as I adjusted to him going deeper than before. Ben’s eyes were on me, taking in the twisting of agony and ecstasy in my face.
‘I want to watch you when you come,’ he said, his voice strained, his words a promise, and to reward him I began to rock, slowly to start, watching his face contort – whether in pain or pleasure, it was tough to say. His grip on my hips was so strong I knew I would have bruises there in the morning, but it only made me me grind down harder, arching my back so he could kiss my breasts. He licked the peaks, then sucked them into his mouth, and when he looked at me I could feel the pleasure building, pooling at my nerve endings as I rode him faster. Moaning about how wet I was, how deep he was, how I wanted to be fucked by him. I could barely recognise the words coming from my mouth, it was like I was possessed by this wanton creature who couldn’t get enough – and I couldn’t. I felt myself building, and leant forward, my screams muffled in his neck, our skin slick with sweat, our voices hoarse from our groans. I was ready, so ready to let go.
‘Ben,’ I warned, unable to gather myself enough to do anything but kiss him through the climb, and just as I thought I couldn’t take it any more, he looked into my eyes.
‘I see you, Sarah, I fucking see you.’
‘Oh God,’ I breathed, clamping my arms around his neck, feeling it build in him too.
‘That’s it, fuck me. Harder,’ Ben whispered against my mouth, his hips meeting mine, and then I was crying, gasping and rolling on the orgasm that took over my body, a fight between pushing down for more and pulling away because I couldn’t take any more. But Ben wasn’t finished. He pushed me onto my back, pinning my thighs to the mattress as he thrust into me, bringing himself to the edge. Fucking, cursing, moaning, coming and collapsing on me, still inside as we fought for air, not so easy when I was pinned under the heavy warmth of a man. But feeling him on me, in me, the remnants of our passion teasing our sensitive bodies, our hearts and lungs labouring, was the most perfect moment of my entire life. I would be sore tomorrow – there would be no question that I would feel Ben for days to come. He would probably love that he had made me ache, and knowing it would make me think of him, turn me on. I mentally slapped myself.
I brought my mind to the here and now as Ben pulled out of me to lie on his side, his arm draped across my breasts. I could feel him, damp and hot against my belly, and I was relieved he hadn’t worried about putting distance between us. A silence hung in the air, and just as I began to fear that he felt the beginnings of regret, he propped himself on his elbow and looked down at me, grinning. He reached out and brushed his thumb against my kiss-swollen lips, so tender I had to hold back my tears. I had never been so relieved. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who cried after sex. He must have read something on my face yet he didn’t pull away; he closed in, tilting my head to kiss me, sweetly, until once again I felt him harden against me and he moved closer, deepening our kiss.
Just when I thought it didn’t get much better than this, fate had other ideas. It took a little while to recognise the sound, but it was there, loud and insistent. Ben lifted his head, both of us twisting to the sound before realising Ben’s phone was ringing out in the hall.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Ben came bursting into the room naked, reaching for his pants. ‘Get dressed.’
I sat up, pulling the sheets to my chest. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘We have to go get Grace,’ he said frantically, zipping his fly and grabbing his shirt off the floor.
‘Oh my God, is she okay?’ I moved then, grabbing my own pants, covering my chest.
Ben strode into the hall, picking up and chucking me my T-shirt, breathing out a laugh. ‘Grace is fine. Nikki’s gone into labour.’
‘Oh my God, oh my God,’ I said excitedly, struggling to pull my top on, only to glance down at the misshapen, wonky heart. I held it out, shaking my head. ‘I can’t wear this, here, chuck me that grey top from my desk,’ I said, pointing to a pile of folded clothes. Without missing a beat he threw it over.
‘Thanks,’ I said, pulling it on. I brushed my fingers through my tangled bed hair and headed to the door. ‘Come on, let’s go.’
But when Ben didn’t follow I turned to see what
was keeping him. He hadn’t moved and was staring at my pile of clothes.
‘Ben, what are …’ My words fell away, my eyes narrowing to the jacket Ben was peeling off my chair. He turned the material over in his hands, studying it with deep interest.
‘Why is Alistair’s jacket in your room?’
I couldn’t believe it. In a flurried, panicked confession, I told him every chance meeting I’d had with Alistair, the whole three times we’d met and how it had been a secret only because Alistair had wanted to surprise Ben. That’s when I saw the rage in his eyes. He didn’t believe me. Oh God, he didn’t think I was somehow seeing Alistair behind his back for a whole other reason, did he?
He turned from me without another word and barrelled down the stairs.
‘Ben, wait!’ I called after him, following his determined, furious steps. ‘It’s not what you think.’
‘I told you not to let anyone into the house,’ he said when we reached the foyer.
My mouth gaped – was that the biggest issue? ‘But he’s your brother, not just anyone.’
Anger rolled off Ben like I had never witnessed before. His hands balled into fists as he stepped closer, glaring at me, standing a few steps above him. ‘Pack your things.’
‘What?’
‘I can’t employ someone I can’t trust.’
I stared at him, dumbfounded by how he was reacting. ‘You’re serious?’
‘When it comes to the safety of my daughter I am deadly serious.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. His reaction was so absurd, so over the top. Then it hit me, and my shock morphed into something else: a deep, burning fury.
‘If fucking me was a mistake, then you can fire me for that, you don’t have to invent a reason to ask me to go.’
Something flashed in his eyes, something fleeting, as if he was going to deny it, but then he shut it down. ‘I asked you not to let anyone into the house.’
‘Okay, so I made a mistake, I’m sorry,’ I said, at a loss to understand how this had escalated. Alistair was his brother; when I’d let him into the house, I hadn’t known what he’d done. As far as Ben knew, I didn’t know.
‘There are some things that just can’t be undone,’ he said, mainly to himself. He looked up. ‘I’m going to get Grace.’
‘Well, can you just wait a sec—’
‘No,’ he said, going to the front door. He opened it and paused, turning slightly, but not looking back. ‘I’m taking her to Lafayette Street.’
A pain sliced through my chest. He was shutting down again, severing ties and throwing me out. I began to crumble.
I rushed to the door. ‘Ben, please, talk to me.’
His jaw clenched as if he was thinking about it, and I wanted so much for him to turn around, to talk to me, but he walked straight out the door without so much as a backward glance, leaving me standing in the foyer of an empty townhouse. Just me, and Alistair’s fucking jacket.
Chapter Thirty-Three
I didn’t need to ask for directions to find Nikki Fitzgerald in the sprawling private hospital, I had found the next best thing standing at the water cooler. Seamus Fitzgerald was tall, tired and sporting a curly crop of red hair.
‘Seamus?’ I asked.
He turned to me with curiosity.
‘Sorry, my name’s Sarah, I’m Grace’s au pair.’ I paused, remembering that I wasn’t any more.
Seamus’s face lit up. ‘Sarah, yes, of course.’ He beamed, taking my hand and shaking it so enthusiastically I thought my shoulder might dislocate. ‘Nikki’s told me all about you trying to tame the wild beast in her brother. I hope you’ve been riding him hard.’
I thought of how hard I’d ridden Ben merely days before, and my face flushed.
‘Oh, yes, one tries.’ I smiled, wanting nothing more than to change the subject. ‘Is Nikki okay?’
Seamus puffed out his chest, pride filling him as he smiled broadly. ‘Mum and bub are both doing fine.’
All gloom left me as my heart swelled for him. ‘Congratulations! Boy or girl?’
‘A beautiful girl, just like her mother,’ he said, gesturing for me to follow him, to a nearby doorway. ‘Well, almost like her mother.’ He spoke out of the corner of his mouth as if parting with a secret as he pushed through the door, and I saw exactly what he meant. Nestled in Nikki’s arms was a sweet, tiny bundle wrapped in white, sleeping peacefully, with her pink, wrinkly face and a full head of gingerred hair.
Nikki laughed when she saw me approach. ‘I swear if a hairy baby gives you heartburn during pregnancy, then fire-red hair must burn even hotter. It all makes sense now.’ She smiled, stroking her daughter’s mop lovingly. Then she glanced at her husband, taking his seat beside her.
‘She’s so beautiful, guys. Have you got a name?’
‘Well, we did ask the boys, but we didn’t think Dora or Pugsley were a good fit, so we just went with what we wanted.’
I laughed. ‘Oh?’
‘Sarah, meet Hermione “no middle name” Fitzgerald,’ Nikki said.
‘Nice to meet you, Hermione,’ I said, thinking how incredibly likeable this family was, and how loved they were by all, if the sea of flowers and the odd balloon collection was anything to go by. There was scarcely a spare surface in the room, no mean feat seeing as Hermione wasn’t even seventy-two hours old. I wondered which one had been brought by Ben, who by now was long gone. I wanted to ask if he had visited but I didn’t want to ruin the mood, until I made the mistake of admiring a beautiful bouquet of orchids.
Dearest Nikki, Seamus, Daniel, Alec, Josh and Taylor.
With warm wishes and much love to you all on the safe arrival of beautiful Hermione.
Love always, Aunty Holly xo
The colour drained from my face. I didn’t know where Alistair’s girlfriend fit in all of this; inappropriately embracing Ben and crying on his shoulder, and apparently still friends with Nikki. My mind was running at a hundred miles an hour; was there more to the fallout between the brothers? Ben had been so angry with Alistair. Was it because Ben was in love with Holly? Had he just used me to try to forget her?
I just wanted to return to the Village, pack my things and leave and never look back, and I was just about to do that when Nikki spoke.
‘Sarah, are you all right? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.’ She half-laughed.
I turned to her, my face cast in sadness, because, unlike the Worthingtons, I wasn’t an expert at locking away my feelings.
‘I’m leaving New York, Nikki, coming here was a mistake.’ The biggest mistake of my life.
‘Leaving? But why?’ Nikki was dismayed.
‘Does anyone want a drink of water?’ Seamus asked, getting up to make an exit.
‘Oh, sit down, Seamus, there is only so much water a man can possibly ingest,’ Nikki scolded quietly, careful not to wake the baby. Her attention turned back to me. ‘Is it Mother? Ben? Christ, I knew I should have spoken to him earlier, I could just kick myself sometimes.’
‘Well, you’ve had other things on your mind, love,’ Seamus said, tilting his head at Hermione.
Nikki wouldn’t have it. ‘I should have done more. Sarah, I’m so sorry, you deserve a bloody medal. Emily didn’t have something to do with this, did she?’
I scoffed. Emily was the least of it. The problem ran far deeper than any judgemental look from Emily or her mother.
‘Alistair, actually,’ I said, watching with interest as the blood drained from Nikki’s face.
Seamus straightened in his chair, his eyes moving from Nikki to me. ‘Now I really need a drink,’ he said, leaving the room, quite possibly in search of something stronger than what was to be had from the water cooler.
Now I couldn’t let it go. As much as I had no intention of bringing my troubles to the hospital, to the happy new parents, Nikki had asked, and I had answered, and now I was more worried than ever.
‘Looks like you’re the one who’s seen a ghost, Nikki.’
Nikki
shook her head. ‘How much do you know?’
I sat in the seat Seamus had vacated. ‘I know Alistair was driving the day Caroline died.’
Nikki nodded sombrely, adjusting Hermione as if to make her more secure.
‘Who is Holly?’ I couldn’t help myself, maybe because I was sitting opposite the big white orchids.
Nikki looked at me for a long time before speaking. ‘Well, I’m glad you’re sitting down,’ she said, placing Hermione into the little hospital crib next to her. ‘I should probably start this off with a “once upon a time”, isn’t that the way most fairytales begin?’ She smiled, but there was a sadness in her eyes as she looked down at her daughter. ‘I’m glad Seamus isn’t here, the last thing I want to do is remind him of how seriously screwed up my family is. I honestly feel like I struck gold with him, and that we managed to build our own little world over the bridge away from the crazies.’
‘That’s what Ben said he was trying to do in the Village: he wanted to build a new world there, a new life for Grace, until I shattered that illusion for him.’