“It’s probably not what it looks like,â€� Jess’s voice comes through my phone. “There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation.â€� “That’s just the typical thing that people say to make themselves feel better when they find out something that is exactly what it looks like,â€� I shoot back. Jess chuckles. “Maybe. Or maybe he has a daughter, or a mom, or maybe Allie is a man! Who knows! The worst thing you can do is shut him out. He’s your baby’s daddy for crying out loud!â€� “Please stop calling him that.â€� “It’s true. You have a baby daddy, and it’s time to come to terms with it.â€� “Jess,â€� I start. “Rosie,â€� she answers. I chuckle and I can almost hear her smiling on the other side of the line. “Come on Rosie, just pick yourself up and pick out a great outfit for work tomorrow. Send him a text to apologise and explain. Say you freaked out because you were moving too fast or something! Or just be honest and ask who she is!â€� “I thought Allie was a man,â€� I say as I roll my eyes. Jess laughs. “Not likely. Come on, Rosie. Chin up.â€� “Alright, thanks Jess.â€� I hang up the phone and I stare at the blank handset. I should text him. It was wrong of me to leave. Wrong and childish and hurtful. I’m sorry I left. I freaked out. I hit send and cringe. God, I’m pathetic. I’ve seen the man three times in my life and I’m already running out and grovelling to come back. What is wrong with me? My stomach grumbles and I realise I haven’t eaten since lunch. I throw the phone down and head to the kitchen to make some dinner. Cooking calms me down, and I force myself to stay away from my phone. Before I sit down to eat, I check my phone and frown when I don’t see a response. I check the message – it says read, which means he’s looked at it and hasn’t responded. That’s understandable, I try to tell myself even as it stings to see it. I did walk out on him with no explanation, after all. He’s allowed to have time to calm down. I’m sure he’s mad at me. But then again, he is the one who has been cheating on his girlfriend with me!!! He should be grovelling to me! I take a deep breath. I’m going to drive myself nuts. At least I get to see him tomorrow at work. Maybe I can catch a few minutes with him alone and work it all out. It’s not until I get into work and see Jake that my heart really sinks. Lucas isn’t coming in today, which means I won’t see him at all before he leaves. Not unless he answers my message and agrees to meet before his flight. The day crawls by and his silence is deafening. Harper notices and keeps shooting concerned glances my way but I pointedly ignore her. It’s not until Jake leaves to catch the plane that I realise it’s all over. It’s over. I’m a single mother, and the father of my child is a deadbeat who knocked me up while having an affair. He probably saw the message and realised that I knew about Allie and that’s why he doesn’t want to see me. He knows that he’s a scumbag. That’s what I tell myself all the way home to stop from breaking down. That’s what I say to Jess when she calls, and when Harper comes over that’s what I tell her too. He’s just a jerk. He didn’t deserve me. I’ll raise the baby on my own, I don’t want that kind of man in the kid’s life anyways. The more I say it the easier it is to believe. The voice that screams in my head telling me I’m wrong gets quieter and quieter until it’s easy to ignore it. I can ignore the thoughts that say he’s different, he’s worth fighting for. He’s not. He’s just like all the others. A liar, a cheat, a coward. He couldn’t even face me head-on. Harper listens and nods and I see the sadness in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Rosie, I thought he was different. You deserve better.â€� Even she knows the script. I nod. I deserve better. “Yeah, I do deserve better. He’s not different, none of them are,â€� I say bitterly. “Except Zach, obviously.â€� Harper chuckles. “There are some good ones, Rosie, don’t lose hope.â€� “Who’s going to want to be with me now?â€� I say, looking down at my stomach. “Pretty soon I’ll be blowing up like a balloon and I might as well have a neon sign with me that says ‘COMES WITH EXTRA BAGGAGE.’â€� Harper’s laughing now. “Rosie, stop. It’s a kid, it’s not a life sentence. Well,â€� she pauses, “It is a life sentence in a way, but a good one. The right man will be happy to take on both you and your baggage.â€� The tears well up in my eyes. “You think so?â€� “I know so. Zach is no angel, he ran out on me too when he realised he was a father.â€� “Yeah but he came back,â€� I respond. Harper stays silent. “Thanks for coming over. You shouldn’t be over here, you have a husband and a baby daughter at home, you should be with them.â€� “Stop, Rosie. You’re my best friend and you’re going through a hard time. Zach is perfectly capable of being a father and changing a few diapers.â€� “Thank you.â€� It comes out barely above a whisper. She wraps her arms around me in a big motherly hug and I feel a little bit less alone. Chapter 37 – Lucas
You’d think it would be easier to get over Rosie’s rejection the second time it happens, but it isn’t. The days turn into weeks and I slip into my new job without any major issues. Linda is happy, Allie is happy, and I pretend that I’m happy too. Every time I see a redhead my heart skips, and then I hate myself for it. I cling onto my anger like a lifeline, remembering how much she’s hurt me whenever I think of how much I miss her. It gets easier as time passes. Before I know it, six months have gone by and I’m clapping my hands as Allie beams on stage. She steps forward to accept the trophy for the state-wide Mathletes competition and scans the audience for me. I wave and shout, clapping my hands together even harder. She looks towards me and smiles before raising the trophy above her head. “That’s my daughter,� I say to the woman beside me. She smiles and nods and claps along with the rest of the parents. Allie is ecstatic. She runs towards me once the ceremony is over, holding the medal around her neck in both hands. “Look! Dad! Look! It’s so shiny!� “Well done, kiddo. I didn’t even know the answers to any of those questions, you are some kind of genius.� Allie elbows me and stares at the medal, tracing the engraved design with her finger. “Thanks for coming, Dad.� My heart melts. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Allie.� I put my arm around her and kiss the top of her head. “I’m glad you took the new job. I like having you here.� She swings her arm around my waist and looks up at me. I wink and her face cracks into a smile. The bitterness that’s been inside me since I came back from New York disappears for a second. I squeeze her shoulder and she wraps her little arm around me a bit tighter. I hear someone clear their throat and I look up to see one of the mothers in front of us. She sticks her chest out and looks at me through her lashes. “Congratulations, Allie,� she says without looking at her. “You did a great job up there.� “Thanks Mrs. Miller,� Allie responds. Mrs. Miller is still looking at me. “And you must be Allie’s father,� she says, extending her hand. Her nails and sharpened to a point and I try to avoid them as I bring my palm to hers. She squeezes my hand and takes a step forward, placing her other hand on my upper arm. She strokes in and gives me what she must imagine is a sensual smile. “Nice to meet you,� I say robotically, trying to take a step back. “I haven’t seen you around much,� she says, eyeing me up and down. “No, I’m busy with work. But I couldn’t miss this,� I say, looking down at Allie and winking. Mrs Miller nods. “Well, we’re having a celebration this weekend at our place with all the kids and their parents. I’d be so happy if you could make it.� The words drip out of her mouth and she drags her eyes all over my body and up to my face. I feel almost naked, with a cold shiver running down my spine. “Thanks,�
�� I respond. “I’ll think about it. Come on Allie, we should go.â€� “See you Saturday!â€� “Right.â€� I brush past her and bring Allie along. A year ago, I’d have been all over her. Objectively speaking, she’s an attractive woman. She has obviously taken care of herself and isn’t shy about showing her interest. But now? Now she’s almost repulsive. I haven’t been able to talk to a woman, let along meet one that holds my interest longer than a couple seconds for months. “Can we go?â€� Allie’s voice floats up towards me. I look down at her and my eyebrows shoot up. “Go where?â€� “To the party! The whole team is talking about it. Apparently the Millers have a pool!â€� “I’m sure they do,â€� I answer. “I’ll think about it, kiddo, I might have work to do.â€� Allie nods but says nothing and I sigh. I should go, if only for her sake. I can grin and bear any conversations with Mrs Miller or any other person at the party if it means Allie will enjoy herself. She deserves it, she’s put up with a lot from me for a long time. I open my mouth again and sigh. “I’ll make some time for it, ok? It’ll be a good way to celebrate you big win.â€� Allie’s face breaks into a huge smile and I laugh. That’s the smile that I’d move the Earth for, the smile I’d cross oceans and deserts to see. Well, one of the smiles. There’s one other smile in this world that makes my stomach churn and my heart beat faster, but that smile might as well be dead to me. Even if she were beside me, I’m not sure I’d be able to speak to her. Still, when Allie and I get into the car and I watch the other parents stream out into the parking lot I know that something is missing from my life. I watch couples help their kids into their seats and then get in the front, laughing and talking the whole time. I glance over at Allie who’s still studying her medal. Have I been depriving her of a mother? Has my lack of interest in other women actually been hurting her? She tells me she’s happy, but she’s so quiet and she never asks for anything. Mrs Miller comes out of the theatre and heads towards her car. I feel no attraction to her, but I wonder if having someone like that in my life would be good for Allie, good for both of us. I start the car and pull out of the parking lot. Maybe it’s time to move on, for real this time. I have to leave Rosie behind me and look for something better for both me and Allie. Chapter 38 – Rosie
“Thanks so much, guys.â€� My eyes are misting up as I look at my coworkers. They’re smiling at me as they eat the cake that was brought in for me. Everyone signed a card and pitched in for a much too generous present comprised of dozens of different gift cards. “This is way too much.â€� “It’s nothing,â€� Becca says as she smiles at me. “Just promise you bring the baby in for us to meet as soon as you can.â€� I grin. “Deal.â€� My hand drifts over my stomach and I feel the smooth bulge of my belly. It seems like all of a sudden the baby grew and grew and grew and now I can hardly walk without waddling. “Shouldn’t be too long,â€� I add, laughing. “I’m ready to get this baby out of me.â€� “You still don’t know what it is?â€� One of my coworkers asks. “No, I decided to do it the old fashioned way and wait till it was born. At least I can do that the old fashioned way if nothing else!â€� I laugh. There’s laughter and talking and everyone munches on cake and enjoys the few minutes break they get from my office baby shower. I keep looking around and stroking my baby bump – well, more of a baby mountain stuck on my stomach – until Harper slides in beside me. “I’m so proud of you,â€� she says with misty eyes. I can’t help but laugh. “Proud? For getting knocked up? Everyone thinks I got dumped, and they’re probably just doing this because they feel sorry for me.â€� Harper shakes her head. “Everyone chipped in because they like you, Rosie. We all want the best for you.â€� My throat tightens and Harper squeezes my forearm. The emotion makes it hard to swallow and I try to think of something to say that won’t make me start crying. I can’t think of anything, so I just say nothing. I’m saved by Zach, who walks up beside Harper. She leans into him in an almost imperceptible movement and my heart twists slightly. I’m still jealous of how happy and comfortable they are. They’re made for each other. “You can’t keep that thing in there for just a couple more weeks?â€� He asks. “We’re going to miss you with this next launch.â€� “Zach!â€� Harper says, swatting his stomach with her arm. She gives him a look that drips with disapproval. Zach laughs and I can’t help but join. “Zach, I know you’re my boss and you’re the CEO and all that, but I can honestly say that right at this moment I don’t give a rat’s ass about the next launch. I have bigger things on my mind.â€� Zach grins. “That’s why I like you, Rosie. You’re not afraid to speak your mind.â€� “And you do have more important things to take care of,â€� Harper adds. “Are you sure you don’t need me to do anything for you?â€� I shake my head. “I’m fine, really.â€� I’m fine, and I’m alone. I watch as Harper turns to Zach and he brushes his fingertips along her arm. The envy curls in my stomach as I watch them laugh at something unsaid, speaking to each other with just their eyes. I want that. I want it so bad and it’s so far away. Who will have me now? I’m days away from giving birth, and then for almost twenty years I’ll have a whole other human dependent on me. I don’t feel the slightest bit ready for this. I turn towards the cake and help myself to another slice. I try to chew in silence and quell the rising panic inside me. How am I going to do this on my own? I can barely take care of myself! As if it can sense my nervousness, the baby kicks. It’s a hard kick, right up into my ribs. “Oof,â€� I breathe as I brace myself. “Alright, alright I hear you,â€� I smile as I rub my stomach. “We’ll be ok.â€� I have no idea of other mothers talk to their babies like this. I know it can hear me and feel what I say. A part of me thinks it can understand me, even though the logical part of my brain knows it can’t. It understands what I feel, in any case. It’s not until I get home and put my feet up on the coffee table that I let myself sigh. I let my thoughts drift to him. To Lucas. He never spoke to me after I walked out on him, and a part of me can’t really blame him. He has no idea he’ll be a father, and he has no idea how much I’ve thought about him over the past nine months, ever since the first day we met. I’ve learned to deal with the sadness, but the loneliness still gets to me. I stroke my belly in long, slow strokes, feeling my baby as it lays inside me. “You’re tired, aren’t you,â€� I say to my stomach. “We had a big day today. Don’t worry, baby, you’ll be out in the world soon and you’ll be seeing new things every second of every day. I’ll protect you, I promise.â€� My eyes well up with tears and I whisper it again. I promise. A fierceness grows inside me as I think about my baby being born. Of course we’ll be ok, and of course I can do this, even if I’m on my own. I’ll take care of this baby and help it grow into a healthy, happy child. I’ll do anything for it. I know that already. It kicks and I smile, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I love you too, baby. It’s just you and me now.â€� Chapter 39 – Lucas
Knocked Up by the Single Dad: A Secret Baby Office Romance Page 12