Silly.
“Listen,” Alicia said, her voice barely above a whisper as she scraped at the molding on the wall with a fingernail. “I’m really grateful for what you did last night, but…”
Her sentence dangled while I entertained responses. What did I do last night? But what? Why are we in the hallway and whispering? Why won’t you look at me? I settled on, “You’re welcome. I was glad I was there.”
“I like you, Lacey.” That was a surprise, even though she kept her eyes on the wall.
“Good. I like you, too.”
“No, you don’t understand.” She swallowed audibly, and I waited for what felt like much longer than it actually was until I couldn’t stand her silence any longer.
“What don’t I understand, Alicia?”
“I don’t…I can’t have a relationship with you.”
I squinted at her. “Because…” My turn to let my sentence trail off, forcing her to elaborate.
“Because I can’t.” Her voice was firmer this time and she actually looked at me. I was right: I didn’t like what was in her eyes. They weren’t the inviting, sparkling blue I was used to. They were hard. Cold. Icy. “Because I don’t. I don’t do that, and I don’t want to do that.”
“Alicia,” I said, trying to keep the panic from my voice. I swallowed hard as my stomach churned sourly. “We don’t…we don’t have to have a ‘relationship.’” I made air quotes around the word. “I mean, we’re dating. You know? We’ve never talked about the future. Let’s just continue on this path.”
“Where do you think this path leads?” She leaned a shoulder against the wall but didn’t look at me.
I swallowed, having trouble with her cold and challenging tone. “I don’t…I haven’t really thought about it.” It was a lie, and we both knew it.
“Yes, you have.” Her voice was soft, almost gentle, and that made it so much worse. “You have thought about it. It leads to a relationship. And I can’t have one. I don’t want one.”
My own anger began to bubble in my gut. I didn’t like the feeling, but I was powerless to stop it. “Which is it? You can’t have one or you don’t want one? ’Cause those are two different things.”
“Both,” she said with a sigh. She seemed exhausted. So exhausted, like this whole topic was literally draining the energy from her body. “Look. We had fun. We had a good time. But that’s all it was. A good time. And now it’s over. Just let it go.” She pushed herself off the wall as if that were the end of the conversation and walked past me toward the door to her office.
I followed her until we were standing in the doorway. “I’m sorry, just let it go?” I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that she’d said it. I couldn’t believe she thought I could just do it.
Alicia stopped in front of the open door to Just Wright, her back to me, and hung her head.
“How can you say that to me?” I asked quietly, my eyes wide with pain and sadness and, I’m sure, some of the panic that had now blossomed fully in my gut.
Slowly, Alicia turned to face me, took one step in my direction, and I was surprised to see her eyes filled with tears. “Please, Lacey.” Her voice cracked then, and I wanted to wrap her up in a hug. “Can’t you understand? Can’t you try to understand? I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I just can’t. It’s too hard. Please. I need you to leave me alone. I need you…to let it go. For me. Please.”
I blinked at her, and my eyes immediately welled up as I tried to swallow the painful lump that had settled in my throat. I knew what she was doing. I knew why she was doing it.
Nothing is permanent, Lacey…Anything can be taken at any time…
I just didn’t know how to stop her from doing it.
In my peripheral vision, I could see Brandon, and I wondered if he was smiling in satisfaction. One tear spilled over and rolled down my cheek as Alicia backed up that one step, moving away from me. She cleared her throat, took another step back, went into her office, and shut the door with a quiet click while I stood there in the hallway feeling dazed, staring down at my feet.
It was all so simple, really. Alicia was scared. If she and I were in a relationship, she’d have to admit she cared about me. And losing something you cared about was painful. She’d suffered more than her share of that loss and was understandably terrified of it happening again.
If she didn’t love anybody, then she couldn’t lose anybody she loved.
Simple.
Practical.
Heartbreaking for both of us, and I had no idea what I should do next.
I glanced up and saw Mary standing in my doorway, her face conveying sympathy and worry. I made my feet move toward her.
“I…I need some air,” I whispered to her as I passed, catching her nod out of the corner of my eye.
My legs felt heavy as I descended the stairs. My footsteps were slow, and they echoed in the emptiness. I was grateful nobody else was there; I had the flight to myself for the moment, so I took my time going down. When I got to the bottom, I stood there. I have no idea for how long. I just stood there, my vision blurred by the onslaught of tears that had—thank God—waited until I was no longer in view of anybody else before they pooled and spilled and rolled. The walls were gray. The railing was gray. The concrete floor was gray. The perfect color for the way I felt.
I need you to leave me alone.
Alicia’s voice echoed through my head, and I actually flinched and looked around to see if she had followed me.
I need you to let it go. For me. Please.
I swallowed hard because if I didn’t, the sob growing in my chest would be able to make its escape and I refused—refused—to let this rip into me while I was at work. Alicia had been frightened. That much was obvious. And despite my understanding of why she did what she did, I was still heartbroken. We had something. Something special. But I felt helpless because I was pretty certain we could bridge this—I wanted to say gap, but it now felt like an abyss—if we just tried, and I didn’t think Alicia was willing to try. She’d made that pretty clear. Her fear overshadowed every other emotion she had. I did get it. I did. But I was at a loss as to my next move, and I felt desperate. Panicked. Hopeless. Devastated and untethered.
I knew I needed to respect her wishes. Knew she wanted me to let it go.
But how could I? How?
That awful feeling of falling hard for someone only to realize she didn’t feel the same clawed at me like a trapped animal. My inner need for control had spun off its axis in a big way, because this was completely out of my control. I needed to think, to breathe. I needed to escape. To escape myself, escape this overwhelming…awful.
I pushed through the stairwell door and out into the bright sunshine, slightly blinded after going from the dimness of the stairwell to the brilliantly sunny afternoon. For a moment, I wished it had been raining and windy and cold, which would’ve made for a much more appropriate setting for me.
“Stupid sun,” I muttered, as I stepped off the curb onto the asphalt, my brain a jumble of emotion.
I’m not sure if things would have been any different had I seen Nascar Kyle coming. I’m pretty certain I still wouldn’t have been able to get out of the way. As it was, he hit me before I had any clue what was happening. That was probably a good thing.
Chapter Seventeen
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…three bruised ribs and a tib-fib fracture of her right leg, but we’re most concerned about the concussion and brain swelling…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…why don’t you go home, Mom. I’ll sit with her. You and Dad get some rest. I’ll call you if anything happens, okay? Don’t worry.”
“You all right?”
“Not exactly the way I wanted you to meet my parents…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…how is she this morning? Oh, her color’s a little better.”
“I thought so, too.”
“Mr. Chamberlain, want some coffee? I’m getting myself a cup.”
&n
bsp; “That’d be great. Thanks.”
“She’s nice, Scott. I like her. Your dad won’t say so, but he does, too. She seems very…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…that it’s possible you can hear us when we talk to you, even though you’re unconscious. Apparently, this is your body’s way of protecting itself while your head heals. So, I decided I’m just going to talk to you whenever I can. The guys are holding down the fort at my office. Let’s see. Mary’s taking care of Leo, so don’t worry about him. She’s also taking care of your office and she brings him in, so he’s been visiting with Gisele when she’s not here with Scott. Speaking of those two, wow, huh? I never saw that coming. Did you? I mean, they don’t seem like…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…still here. She was here when Leanne left yesterday and the nurse said she’s been here all night. Do you know her? Gisele seems to.”
“I told you, Mom. She’s the one Lacey talked about at dinner.”
“The one she kissed?”
“That exact one, yes. She’s Gisele’s boss. They’ve known each other…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…feels like it’s been a long time, Doc. When’s my baby girl going to wake up, goddamnit?”
“John, honey. Let the doctor talk.”
“I understand your concern, Mr. Chamberlain. The swelling in her brain has gone down considerably, which means the medication is doing its job. There’s no need to…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…it was a really nice day, but it’s raining now. Kind of softly, if that makes sense. I like this kind of rain, especially at night. Soft, gentle, gives the air that scent that really tells you it’s spring. And I love the sound of it, not really drops hitting the ground, but more of a whoosh, you know? If all of May was like this, I’d probably have an easier time of it. If it was a little gray and misty instead of sunny and cheerful and full of flowers.
“I miss my family, Lacey. I miss them every day, every moment of my life. It all feels so unfair that I’m still here. I mean, Ryan…I guess if I’m going to be honest, his death wasn’t really a surprise. His sobriety was actually the surprise. So, as horrible as it was to find him that day…as much as I’ll never be able to scrub that sight from my brain…it wasn’t shocking. Does that make sense? I mean, he was a drug addict longer than he wasn’t. Though, let me tell you what a fun kid he was. We had a great time, me and Ryan. He was a jokester. He loved pranks. I can’t tell you how many rubber spiders or snakes or lizards I found in my bed over the years. I screamed every single time and he fell over laughing every single time. It never got old, that joke. I remember this one time…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…time, Lace-Face. Okay? You’re worrying the ’rents. You’re worrying me. I need you to wake up now. The doctor says you’re gonna be fine, and I’ve got nobody to harass, so…and I really need to talk to you about Gisele. I mean…it’s so weird. I’ve never felt like…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…if this is your way of avoiding me giving you shit about your terrible eating habits, then fine. You win. I will never bring you another salad. Just…come on. Wake up. I miss you…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…career woman all the way. She’s the reason I had the guts to start my own business. Did I ever tell you that? I mean, as a high school principal, she didn’t have a ton of small business experience, but she had drive. Man, she had drive. So when I was working for a big marketing firm and had all these ideas that I could never seem to get anybody to listen to, I’d tell my mom. And finally, one day, she says to me, ‘Alicia. Baby. Why do you wait for these men to hear you? Do it yourself.’ I just sat there. Literally, just sat there staring at her. I truly couldn’t believe I’d never thought of that on my own. Talk about being slow on the uptake, huh? So I decided to take her advice, and that very day I started figuring out how to launch Just Wright. You’d have loved my mom, Lacey. You really would have. And my God, she would have adored you…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…understand you’re worried, Mr. and Mrs. Chamberlain. I promise you, your daughter is not in any pain and it’s just a matter of time. She’ll wake up when she’s ready. Head injuries are tricky. I know it sounds clichéd to say that it takes time and all we can do is wait, but—.”
“It takes time and all we can do is wait. Yeah, yeah. You suck at reassurance, doc.”
“John. Please. He’s just doing his job.”
“His job is to make my daughter well again, goddamnit. How the hell am…”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“…because I know that it’s stupid. And convoluted. And messed up. But the three most important people in my life were taken from me, and I’m afraid to have that happen to you, too. I thought driving you away, keeping you at a distance was the best way to handle it, and I know that was wrong. So, so wrong, and I’m sorry. Please give me another chance, Lacey. Please…I can’t…I don’t know what…Okay. Fine. It’s fine. You take your time. In the meantime, I’m just going to sit here and hold your hand and talk to you until you come back to me. Okay? You have no say in it. That’s what I’m doing. So, if you ever want me to shut the hell up, you’re going to have to open your eyes…”
* * *
Pain.
Thirst.
Those were the first two things I became aware of. Pain. Everywhere. My head. My stomach. My leg. Burning, searing pain. I didn’t open my eyes right away. Instead, I took stock of my body. More specifically, my body parts. From my aching head down, I did an inventory of sorts, feeling what I could feel, wiggling what I thought I could wiggle.
My throat was so dry, like sandpaper lined the inside. Swallowing was excruciating, and I squeezed my eyes shut against the awfulness of it.
“Hey. Are you awake? Lacey?” That was Scott. I was thrilled to recognize a voice. I felt him grab my hand. “Lace-Face, can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can.”
“Dramatic,” I rasped, hardly recognizing my own voice. “Is this an episode of Grey’s Anatomy?”
His whoop of joy was so loud, I was pretty sure my head had split open. Then I realized that may have already been the case, as I was obviously in a hospital. I tried to clear my throat, but it wasn’t working. “Water…” I said, hoping he understood me.
He did. “Okay, let me just check with the nurse and make sure it’s okay.”
I heard him leave the room. I still hadn’t opened my eyes. Part of me was afraid to. I had no idea the extent of my injuries. Yes, I was pretty sure I could feel all my limbs, but wasn’t phantom limb pain a thing? Wouldn’t I still feel them even if they were gone? I was working on not only wiggling my fingers, but grasping the sheet so I could be sure both my hands were still intact, still functional.
The whoosh of the door was followed immediately by Scott’s voice. “See?” he was saying. “She’s moving stuff.”
“Lacey?” This voice was vaguely familiar, but I wasn’t sure why. Probably a nurse. “Lacey, can you hear me?”
“Yes.”
“How do you feel?” she asked gently as I felt her fingers checking the pulse on my wrist.
“Like I got hit by a bus.”
Scott snorted a laugh. “Not quite. But close.”
I heard a humming and then my bed was moving slowly. She was sitting me up a small amount. “Can you open your eyes, honey?” The nurse again.
This was it. Now or never. I slowly opened my eyes, blinked many, many times to clear the blurriness, then squinted against the light, which felt like it was sending shards of glass into my skull. I groaned.
She used a little pen light to check my pupils, and if I’d had the energy to lift my arms, I’d have grabbed her by the throat. “I know. It’s going to be uncomfortable at first. You had quite the knock on your head. Just take your time. If it gets too much, close ’em back up.” Mercifully, she finished. “She can have water,” she told Scott. “But small sips. We don’t w
ant her to get sick. Throwing up with bruised ribs is no fun.”
Bruised ribs? I thought. “Bruised ribs?” I asked.
“Three of ’em,” Scott confirmed. “At least you didn’t break ’em.” He pressed the straw to my lips, and I looked up at him as I took a sip. I’d never seen him look so tired. Or so worried. Or so happy.
“I’ll get the doctor,” the nurse said, and left the room.
The water was like heaven sliding down my throat, and I sucked greedily until Scott pulled the straw away. “Easy, tiger. You don’t want to puke. Remember?”
The deep breath I took then gave me a little preview of what that might be like, as it suddenly felt like I had barbed wire wrapped around my torso. I took one more sip and decided to let it be for a bit. That’s when I noticed the cast on the lower part of my right leg. Awesome.
“I’m gonna text Mom and Dad. They’re in the cafeteria.” Scott pulled his phone from his back pocket, and I watched as his fingers danced over the keyboard. It took him much longer than necessary.
“Who else?” I croaked.
“Gisele. Leanne. Mary. Grandma. My boss.”
“Long list.”
“People have been worried.”
“How long have I been here?”
“Three days.”
Three days? Holy shit. I hardly remembered a thing. “What happened?”
“What do you remember?”
“Not much.”
“Yeah, the doctor said that might happen.” Scott pulled a chair close to the side of my bed. “You were leaving your office and you stepped in front of the little bastard with the Charger.”
“Nascar Kyle?”
“Him.”
“Nascar Kyle ran me over?”
Scott chuckled, then immediately apologized. “It just…sounds funny. But yeah, he kind of did. He said you weren’t looking, but we all know he drives like a fucking maniac. The cops are charging him.”
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