My grandparents left mid-afternoon, and I was shocked by how tired I was. My worry about falling asleep on Alicia was valid, but I had no time for a nap, as my two aunts showed up twenty minutes later. I pushed through the exhaustion because I was suddenly very aware of how lucky I was to have so much family.
“What do you need from me tonight?” my mom asked once the last visitors had left around 5:30. My father sat on the other end of my couch muttering at the TV, but he turned to look at us.
“Can you stay long enough to let her in?”
“Of course.” Mom hesitated. “You don’t want me to stay overnight?”
I tilted my head to one side and smiled tenderly at her. “You’ve been so amazing, Mom. You really have. I don’t know how to thank you.”
“But you don’t want me cramping your style on your date.” I’d filled her in on some of the details of Alicia’s life, the things I thought she needed to know before casting judgment. Her eyes had filled with tears when I told her. That’s my awesome mom. Now she gave me a wink, and I hoped my sigh of relief wasn’t too obvious. “It’s no problem, honey. Dad and I will get out of your hair once Alicia gets here.”
“You sure you’re gonna be all right?” my father asked. His voice was gruff and he kept his focus on the television, but I was touched anyway.
“I’m sure.”
He nodded, gave a small grunt, and that was the end of the discussion.
The truth was, I’d learned to maneuver around pretty well on the crutches. My ribs were still very sore but felt a little better than they had just a few days ago, so I had to believe healing was happening. My headaches were finally easing up. It was time for me to take my house, my life back, even if Alicia hadn’t been coming for dinner.
I changed into a nicer shirt, a long-sleeved, cream Henley, but was stuck with the yoga pants. Mom had grabbed me a couple cheapo pairs so we could cut the leg off them, too, as I was stuck in that cast for at least eight weeks. I styled my hair for the first time since I’d returned from the hospital, and I even applied a little makeup and a spritz of coconut body spray. I was giving myself one last check in the mirror when I heard the doorbell, and Leo started barking.
I inhaled very slowly, let it out even more slowly.
“I got this,” I said to my reflection.
I made my way down the stairs to find my parents gathering their things, them, Alicia, and Leo all crammed into my front entryway like they were in an elevator and couldn’t get out of each other’s way. Alicia met my eyes over the top of my mother’s head and smiled at me. She was in jeans again, and a red button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below her elbows. Her hair seemed extra wavy, her eyes bright. God, I was giddy just to see her face.
“You’re sure you’re all set?” my mom asked, her purse over her shoulder and her eyes worried. She sidled her way toward me.
“I’m sure.”
She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me gently, then pressed a kiss to my forehead. “You call me if you need anything. I’m a ten-minute drive away. Promise?”
“I promise. Thanks, Mom.” I looked past her. “Bye, Dad.”
He waved and made his way out the front door. My mother gave me one last look of concern, then she gave Alicia a smile and squeezed her shoulder before following my father out. The door shut behind them with a click and then it was just me and Alicia, standing about ten feet apart, Leo on the floor looking from one of us to the other as if waiting to see who would move first.
“So,” Alicia said and held up two white bags. A brown one was tucked under her arm. “Hi. Hungry?”
“Surprisingly, I am.”
She moved into the kitchen, and I followed her.
“Whoa,” she said, as she stopped in her tracks at the sight of all the food spread across my counter.
“I know, right? People must think while I’m recovering, I should just stuff my face. So, I am.” I gave her a lighthearted chuckle. “I’m so grateful and I don’t want it to go to waste. But my waistline is going to be in trouble when this is all over.”
“No, it’s not,” Alicia said, and her gaze did a quick slide over my body. “You have nothing to worry about. Trust me.”
I felt my cheeks heat up and tried to smother a smile.
Alicia held up the brown bag. “I wasn’t sure if you’re allowed…” She pulled a bottle of wine from it.
“I’m not supposed to, but I don’t think one small glass will hurt.”
“Let’s hope not. You’ve had enough pain for a while.”
“Agreed.”
We worked together—well, Alicia worked, and I pointed to where things were—and once the food had been dished out, we moved into the living room so I could prop my leg up. Mom had brought over a couple of TV trays, so we used those and ate in front of the television like two ten-year-olds in the eighties.
“Tell me about your dad,” I said, suddenly enough to surprise me as well as her.
Alicia blinked at me, took a beat to gather herself, I figured, and then spoke. “He was kind. Probably too kind. He did a lot of things for a lot of people.”
“Like favors, you mean?” I watched her as I ate a bite of my spring roll.
She nodded and gazed off into the room. “If you needed something, help or money or a ride, my dad was the one you called. He’d drop whatever he was doing to help a friend.”
I liked the soft wistfulness in her voice. “He sounds great.”
“He was.” She ate some rice. “Tell me about yours.”
“My dad is the epitome of the tough guy with a heart of gold. He’s abrasive. He grunts instead of actually answering you with words.” Alicia chuckled as I described my father. “He thinks technology is a fad. But he’s a big teddy bear. There’s no place I feel safer than in my father’s arms.”
I saw Alicia swallow as she looked at me, and then one corner of her mouth tugged up. “That’s awesome.”
“How was work this week?”
We talked like this for a while, just touching on normal, sometimes mundane things that people talk about. I asked questions and Alicia answered them and after an hour or so, it almost felt like we were back to being comfortable together. Only this time, it was more equal. She told me about two new pitches she’d given last week, how she thought each went, what she had lined up next week. I told her that I hoped I hadn’t fallen too far behind and how thankful I was that my accident hadn’t happened a month earlier, as that could’ve been devastating for my business.
This is nice.
That thought kept scrolling through my head as the evening went on. I tried not to dwell on it. Instead, I simply tucked it away.
“Want to watch a movie or something?” Alicia asked once she’d cleaned away our dishes and refilled her wineglass. I was still on my first, nursing it slowly to make it last. “Or I could go, if you want. You look tired.” Her tone told me she didn’t actually want to leave, which made me happy, but the fact she was willing to go if I asked her to was kind of terrific.
“No, stay. Please? I’d love a movie. I just should probably take my meds first.” I made a move to get up, but her hand on my shoulder stopped me.
“I’ll get them. Tell me where they are.”
Ten minutes later—after we’d both been amused at my washing my drugs down with a mouthful of wine—we settled onto the couch to watch a movie. Leo was on my right, tucked between my thigh and the arm of the couch. Alicia sat on my left, close enough to share the ottoman, our thighs brushing. And as the movie went on, we somehow seemed to inch closer together until my eyes started to grow weary, and I leaned my head on Alicia’s shoulder. She shifted so her arm was around me and I snuggled up against her. It was heaven, though I tried not to think about it. “Tried” being the operative word.
The next time I opened my eyes, it was fully dark. The TV was off. Leo was snoring next to me. I felt warm and safe and loved. I lifted my head from Alicia’s shoulder, and she was looking at me.
> “Hi,” she whispered.
“Hey. What time is it?”
“It’s after midnight. I think we should get you up to your bed. It can’t be good for your ribs to sleep in this position all night.”
I didn’t have the energy to argue with her. Plus, she was right. My torso had begun to ache from being in a sitting position for too long. I nodded, and slowly, we stood from the couch and made our way upstairs, Leo on our heels. I relieved myself, changed into a pajama top, then let Alicia help me into bed. Leo was already curled in a ball at the foot of it, his eyes closed, and I envied how he could simply drop off to sleep in four and a half seconds.
“Okay?” Alicia asked quietly once I was settled.
I nodded.
She bent to kiss my forehead, but I moved my head at the last minute and caught her lips with mine. She pulled back, the confused hesitation clear on her face even in the night. I wanted her to stay. God, how I wanted her to stay.
“Come back tomorrow?” I asked, trying not to sound desperate even as that was exactly how I felt.
Her confusion changed to relief and she kissed me softly once more. “Definitely.”
“Bring breakfast.”
“Your accident made you bossy, you know that?”
“Better get used to it.”
“Uh-oh.” Her shoulders moved as she laughed softly, then continued to stand there and simply look down at me. Our gazes held for a long moment, and even in the dark, I could feel it, the near intimacy we shared. In that moment, in that very specific point in time, I knew we were going to be okay. It was a weird feeling, alarming in its depth, and more than a little surprising to me. Not something I was ready to share. But I felt it. In my heart.
“Until breakfast.” Alicia ran a fingertip down my cheek, then turned and left.
I waited until I heard her car pull out of my driveway and down the street. But instead of going over every word that had been said through the evening, instead of analyzing every little thing, I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. And despite my wishing it was time for breakfast already, sleep took me immediately.
I slept like a baby.
* * *
My eyes popped open at 6:45, and I woke up with extra energy and a very positive attitude toward the day. The sun was starting to peek in through my closed blinds. A check of my phone told me it was heading into the seventies today. “It’s gonna be nice, Mr. Leo,” I told my dog, as he gingerly stepped near my head to give me kisses, and I marveled at how he instinctively knew not to stand on my torso like usual.
Still not terribly sure about showering on my own, I gave myself a very thorough sponge bath and managed to wash my hair in the bathroom sink. I made a mess, and my ribs were screaming afterward, but I got it done. After that, blow-drying and styling was a breeze. I donned the damn one-legged yoga pants—sadly understanding that a favorite wardrobe item of mine would be banished from my drawers forever once that cast came off—found a decent long-sleeved shirt in olive green, and hobbled my way downstairs.
I barely got my coffee made when the doorbell rang and Leo barked. I glanced at the clock. 8:25. Was somebody in a hurry to come over? I hoped so, because my stomach was full of butterflies and anticipation.
Alicia looked amazing. I thought that every time I saw her, but she never didn’t look amazing. Today, she wore dark denim capris, a white short-sleeved shirt that buttoned down, and a lightweight scarf in various shades of blue draped gently around her neck. White Keds were on her feet. She looked casual and comfortable, but decidedly feminine and soft. I wanted to throw myself into her arms, but I managed to maintain some control.
“Coffee?” I asked. At her raised eyebrows, I laughed. “I know, I know. Stupid question.”
Alicia set a bag of bagels on the counter and took a couple out, along with a container of honey walnut cream cheese. “Hungry?”
“I am. But…” I stopped making coffee and turned to her. “Maybe you can take me for a walk later? I won’t be able to go far.”
“Or fast.”
“Or fast, ha ha, but…I could use some fresh air and sunshine. And a little exercise.”
“You got it.”
We took our coffee and breakfast to the couch—a spot I used to adore, but was rapidly becoming sick of—and sat, my leg propped on the ottoman. Leo took up the spot next to my foot, staring at us as we ate.
“What’s on your agenda for today?” I asked Alicia as I chewed my cranberry orange bagel and tried not to moan in pleasure.
“This,” Alicia said simply and took a sip of coffee.
I don’t know why I was surprised, but I was, and I sat there looking at her while I chewed. She finally let out a half laugh.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?”
“You’re giving up your whole Sunday for me?”
Alicia cocked her head like a dog that heard a high-frequency sound. “Of course I am.”
I didn’t know quite what to say to that, so I nodded.
Alicia set down her coffee and turned so she faced me. “Look, Lacey.” She glanced down at her lap, wet her lips, and seemed suddenly nervous. “I’ve had a lot on my mind since your accident. A lot to think about. I was going to wait. I was going to rehearse it in my head a bit more, to be honest, but I guess this is as good a time as any.” She moved so her gaze was on the door to the backyard, and she was quiet for so long, I wondered if that was all she was going to manage to say. When she finally looked at me, I was taken aback to see unshed tears in her eyes. “There’s something about you, Lacey. Something…” She looked back at the door and cleared her throat. “I tend to keep people at arm’s length. Brandon and Gisele are exceptions. Everybody else is kept at a distance. And that’s worked fine for a long time. It’s been just fine. But you…”
I wanted to touch her. I wanted to say something, to reassure her. But I was afraid if I moved, if I spoke, it would break this spell. Alicia was opening up to me, and it was almost like I could see it happening, could see her being split down the middle and expanding, light pouring out. I kept quiet, but my attention stayed riveted on her face.
“You drew me in immediately. That first day when you were all huffy and annoyed.” She glanced at me with a grin. “There was something then. I don’t know what it was, but it pulled at me. And I wanted to be around you all the time. That’s why I was always popping in, bringing you wine and stuff.”
“You can pop in with wine any time you want.”
Her smile widened, then faded. “The little voice was in the back of my head, but I was having so much fun getting to know you that I was able to keep it in its little compartment for a long time.” She looked in my eyes. “I don’t know if you have a little voice, but they can be really hard to ignore.”
“What was it saying to you?” I asked quietly.
“The same thing it always says. ‘Don’t get too close. It won’t go anywhere. You’ll lose her, too, just like you lose everybody.’” Her tears finally spilled over and rolled slowly down her cheeks.
“Oh, God, Alicia.” I put my breakfast down and scooted as close to her as I could get with my cast. My arm around her shoulders, I squeezed her to me.
“It’s silly and ridiculous, I know,” she said, through her tears. “I’m a smart girl. I’ve read enough books. I’m aware of how blatantly obvious it is what my mind is doing to me. But in the moment? Sometimes, it just…slices through me like an actual razor blade. I can almost feel myself bleeding all over the floor.”
I pressed my lips to her temple and held her tightly, my heart breaking for the pain this beautiful soul of a woman had been handed already in her young life.
“And then, after you came over on the anniversary of my mother’s death and held me while I cried, that voice had a field day.” She furrowed her brows at me. “It’s like another person living in my head. And he sees what’s happening and does what he can to sabotage it. You know? Like, I loved that you held me that night. Lo
ved it. Nobody has ever held me like that because I’ve never let anybody. And it’s like he saw that and got jealous and planted the seeds for me so the next morning, my first thought was, ‘I need to put a stop to this thing right now, before I get hurt again.’” She shook her head. “It’s so obvious and so typical and so…goddamn destructive. And I just couldn’t fight it. I wasn’t strong enough.” She looked at me again and her voice was nothing more than a whisper. “I’m sorry, Lacey. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I get it. It took me a while to fully grasp it all, but…I need you to stop beating yourself up over my accident. Can you do that? Because it wasn’t your fault. God, Alicia, you lost your entire family.” I could feel how wide my eyes were as I said it. “Of course you want to protect yourself. Of course.”
Her eyes welled up, but she didn’t interrupt. She let me go on.
I took both her hands in mine. “I get you, Alicia.” I said it firmly, with quiet determination because I needed her to hear me, to understand. “Okay? I get you.”
Her face in that moment…I’ll never forget it. The combination of relief and love as her tears spilled over and coursed down her cheeks…it will stay with me forever.
“I’m still sorry I hurt you,” she whispered.
“It’s okay,” I said with a shrug, exaggerating the nonchalance. “I’m tough. You didn’t hurt me that much. You know what did hurt?”
“Being run over by a car?”
“Yes. That.”
We both started to chuckle, shoulders shaking as we held each other. Then the chuckles grew into full-blown laughter, and before we knew it, we were crying for a happier reason.
“Stop,” I pleaded, arms wrapped around my middle. “Please. Stop. Laughing hurts.”
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