by Ruth Hartley
“I don’t know why I am telling you about Liseli at this particular moment.”
Lara frowns at Brendan. Brendan looks back – silent, reassuringly serious.
In a rush Lara explains herself.
“I didn’t understand what she was going through – I didn’t help her – and now I don’t understand myself. Why – why now – am I as mad as Liseli – as sad as Liseli – why am I so desperate now?”
A bitter thought comes to Lara but she laughs.
“I don’t really think that fate is paying me back for being a naïve schoolgirl -but why can’t we escape the past – why does the past lie in wait for us in the future – why are we its prisoners? “Why can’t I forget everything and just move on? All my friends think I should stop being – so self-indulgent.”
Brendan is firm. Usually he doesn’t make statements.
“Lara – you know now that Liseli’s depression was an on-going psychiatric illness for which she was sectioned. Your depression is a natural reaction to the events of your life. It is quite different. You will recover.”
Lara sips her glass of water and sniffs into her tissues. She is relieved by Brendan’s reassurance but if her feelings are natural or even normal, then she must find other answers or ask different questions.
“I don’t want to recover!” She is being obstinate. “I deserve to feel like this.”
Brendan raises his eyebrows in mild irony.
“You find it easier to live with your feelings of guilt and shame?”
Before Brendan reverts to his usual silence, he puts a quiet question to Lara.
“Is it only the bad in the past that comes back to hurt us? Can the good in our past also make traps for us?”
Lara is surprised. She remembered Liseli as she was for most of her school days – happy and laughing.
“Do you think Liseli will survive, Brendan? Do you think she can be happy some of the time? I so want her to be okay.”
“Liseli is intelligent and motivated. We all make adjustments in our own way. It’s good that you care about her, Lara,” Brendan approves.
“I suppose that Liseli made me see things differently – she opened my eyes.”
Then, without thinking, Lara looks at her hands and starts inconsequentially, to talk about sex.
“It’s such a simple act really – sex that is – you bring nothing to it but your naked body. Nothing so natural and so basic and human gives so much pleasure – why doesn’t it work out better and more happily?”
Brendan is silent. Lara glances up and catches Brendan’s eyes focussed on her.
Oh God! He’s imagining me naked and I am doing the same about him!
She stares down again trying not to grin with embarrassment.
I hope I’m not right.
Brendan saves her. “Do you want to talk about how you and Tim got together after the riots and the attempted coup?” he asks.
Lara breathes in. She starts at the end of the story because it’s easier than the beginning.
“It was chance, I think – just lucky for me. Tim had been trying to find out where I was and what had happened to me but all he knew was that I had gone with Enoch and Inonge to the Tin Heart Mine. Tim had arranged to leave Chambeshi on the same flight I was booked on. It wasn’t safe to stay and his editor insisted – I arrived at the flat as he was packing to go. It was a lucky chance for me – a miracle.”
The story is long and Lara has only begun to tell it. She hesitates and stops.
After a while Brendan makes a suggestion.
“Tell me what you feel you can – and only if you want to.”
Lara breathes out. This is the moment. No more delays. It’s time to tell the story of her escape from the prison at the Tin Heart Mine.
“It was after – afterwards – well anyway – I was lying there on the bed when I heard Oscar’s plane fly overhead.”
“I thought it must be his plane, but even that I couldn’t be certain of – from the mine house you can’t hear planes take off from the airstrip unless the wind is in the right direction. That must have been at least two hours after Oscar had left me.”
Lara stops and turns her head away from Brendan. She thinks that she can’t and won’t talk about what happened before Oscar left but after a few moments she continues.
“I think the plane flew off northwards towards the Congo – that frightened me.”
“It was late afternoon – where could Oscar have flown to in the dark? It was the wrong way. It seemed very quiet outside – too quiet – not right. I thought that Oscar had left us locked up and would come back when we had starved to death.” Lara falters and swallows hard.
“I had no idea what had been happening in Chambeshi while we were prisoners – while we were locked in the mine house. We had been there less than a week – I did keep a record of the time then but now I can’t remember it as a specific number of days. It was about 4 days I think. I didn’t know if the coup had been successful – didn’t know anything – so I got up and went to the door and banged on it in desperation. That’s when I realised we weren’t locked in any more.” Lara shakes her head in disbelief at the memory.
“I couldn’t understand why Oscar hadn’t killed me before he left.” Again she shakes her head. “I couldn’t understand why the door was not locked. I had heard the padlock click but that must have been when it was clicked in place to stop the bolt closing us in permanently.”
“The boy was there outside – Kimu they called him. He was crouching just outside the door and looked so terrified.” Lara had felt so sorry for him that it had stilled her own fear for the moment.
“He kept saying Madam, Madam – you must go quickly – you must not stay – it is very dangerous.”
“I went to rouse Inonge. She no longer moved from her bed or spoke and she had refused to eat for days. After the last – after Oscar had left me – I also felt unable to move – I felt I should give up like Inonge. When I opened the door Inonge was asleep – so deeply asleep I thought I might have to carry her to the car. I threw water at her and made her sit up. When she saw the door was open she got up and staggered outside and knelt on the ground outside the storeroom at the place where Enoch had died.”
“Kimu was holding the keys to my old silver jeep and trying to push them into my hand. I didn’t understand that we were free to go – I thought it was a trap and that we would be shot as soon as I started the engine and that they would pretend we had been killed in a robbery – though why bother out there with all the trouble and fighting that was going on – anyway I didn’t understand what was supposed to happen to us and I didn’t know if I could trust Kimu. He kind of tugged me and pulled me to the jeep. Then he went back and started to drag Inonge to it too. He kept saying we must go and I could see that he was desperate to leave us and run away somewhere.”
“I asked him ‘Where is everyone?’ ‘All gone!’ he said ‘Everyone is gone to hide. The rebels are coming tomorrow to kill us all. You must go now – back to Chambeshi city. The boss says so.” That made me frown – it was so strange. Felt so unlikely and so untrustworthy coming from Oscar.”
“I could see that the jeep had some stuff in it – a jerry can and a cloth bag and strangest of all – the portfolio of my drawings stuffed behind the seat.”
Chapter Two
Escaping
At this point Lara’s mind began to work again very fast. It appeared that she and Inonge were meant to escape. If so, she must make sure they could get all the way to safety. She tried to lift the jerry can – it was full. She tested the cap to see if she could open it herself. She could, after a struggle. “Where is the water?” she demanded of Kimu. He pointed to two 5-litre plastic bottles in front of the passenger seat with a blue plastic mug tied to the handle of one of them. The jeep had been packed w
ith Oscar’s thorough efficiency. Lara tore at the soft bag’s opening. Inside was some bread, boiled sweets and a large stick of dried salted antelope biltong. Under the food was a full magazine of bullets. There must be a gun hidden in the car. Lara glanced swiftly at Kimu. She didn’t think it would be wise to let him see that she had a gun. He might think he needed it more than she did. For a moment she was ashamed. Perhaps he deserved it more than she did. Briefly she wondered if it would be a protection for her if she persuaded him to accompany her. Lara had to get Inonge into the passenger seat. She gripped Inonge’s hands and put her face close to Inonge’s.
“We have to get back to see if Junior’s okay – we have to tell Junior about Enoch. You have to help me – you have to wake up!”
Inonge raised her head slightly, her eyes blinked in a brief recognition.
“We must get back to Enoch Junior! Enoch Junior, Inonge – he needs you! You must move – Enoch wants you to be with your son! You must get in the jeep. Now! Come!”
Inonge moved stiffly at last, and awkwardly clambered into the car.
“Are you coming with us?” Lara asked Kimu but he backed away nodding his head and waving his hands wildly. ‘No!’ he said, ‘No! Too dangerous! Go! You must go!”
Lara looked at the sky. The sun was almost setting. It was not normally advisable to drive in the park at night-time. It had been forbidden in the days when there was a government in Chambeshi except for registered night safaris with armed game guards. She had, of course, on several occasions had to drive in the dark but she had never been without company and she was not sure if Inonge would be of much help. It was a very long drive back to Chambeshi City – at least 4 and maybe 5 hours mostly over very rough dirt roads through places where buffalo and elephant abounded. There was a small town to go through, a couple of road blocks and the gates at the entrances to the park. Who would be in control of any of these places? Njoka’s rebels? The city rioters? The army? A maverick bunch of villagers looking for revenge? They were all to be equally feared especially by two women on their own at night in a small open jeep.
“You go!” she said to Kimu and then called after him as he ran towards the bush. “Thank you, Kimu!” but he was already out of earshot.
Swiftly Lara twisted her hair up and hid it under the baseball cap she found pushed under the dashboard. She must try and look like a man or at least a boy. Inonge would be okay. She was slim, her hair was short and she was wearing bush trousers and a bush shirt. Too bad Lara was white. She scuffed up some soft dirt from under the car but it was hardly going to make her skin dark enough so she dropped it again. A quick look around to make sure no one was watching and she poked about, under, and into the driver’s seat. The gun was tucked up exactly where she expected, wrapped up in a worn out bush jacket and a length of oily fabric under the passenger seat. The bush jacket would be a disguise of sorts and it would hide her breasts. She tied the oily fabric across her body in a sling to hold the gun out of sight under the bush shirt, but at an angle where she could grab it if she needed. Next she had a long drink of water and then crouched down in the lee of the jeep door for a pee without letting go of the safety of the car door handle. At least there had been no recurrence of her diarrhoea since midday. She asked Inonge to keep her provided with sweets and biltong while she was driving and to see that they both had water and did not need to stop the jeep in order to drink.
The jeep started perfectly. Lara checked the fuel gauge. It registered full. She had plenty of time to work out when the car would need more diesel. She would need to pick a sensible place to stop and refuel it. When the vehicle jerked forward Lara thought she was going to vomit. She was sick with fear and very tired. She would never make it to Chambeshi. She would fall asleep with exhaustion and crash the car. The long drive ahead with all its dangers and the nightmare company of her recent experiences was an ordeal which she could not hope or expect to end well. She would have to drive with her mind focussed on the journey and not on the end. If there were people anywhere near the road they could not fail to hear the jeep approaching from a distance away. Was it good that it was small with a light engine? Would that embolden any attackers or, with luck, might it make it possible that she would not be noticed soon enough for any enemy to make decisions? Unarmed and frightened villagers might run and hide. Armed gangs might just shoot blindly. If there were road blocks she was as good as dead and maybe she was better dead than being taken prisoner again. She would make the journey stage by stage and not think beyond the first stage until she had accomplished it. The first stage through the wildlife park needed her to concentrate only on the road and the animals. Herds of puku, impala or buffalo would hold her up and she would have to negotiate the jeep past them slowly. Elephant might be the biggest danger but they would probably move away from the sound of the car. The road itself was rutted and in places rocky. She must not risk damage to the car or to the tyres. She must set off slowly as if she were on a night time safari drive. She must only think of the wild creatures and the road; even a creature as small as a porcupine might damage her small jeep.
The first quarter of Lara’s journey was the road out of the park. It seemed to go on and on forever. She had to manoeuvre the jeep slowly over its ruts and tree roots. Enoch’s men did the work of repairing and maintaining the road and even of deciding where it would go. It curved up hills by the easiest slopes where there were small sharp fist-sized rocks ready to punch holes in her tyres. It crossed valleys and streams at the flattest and the shallowest fords where the road surface consisted of hard-baked ridges of black clay.The park entrance was manned by guards with old-fashioned rifles in the day and closed by a light wooden barrier at night. Lara intended to drive the jeep as fast as possible through or around the barrier but when they arrived it was pushed aside and the post deserted. The next section was a fairly straight dirt road through forest and sparsely populated subsistence farms. Occasional huts and small cement block houses stood by the road but the villages were away from the road among trees. Lara could drive much faster here as the few farmers and their free-ranging goats and cattle would not be around in the dark. The river crossings were the main problem. Heavy rain meant the rivers had flooded hungrily across the road and eaten rough gullies around the bridges. Though the gullies were filled in with earth and rocks; an awkward ramp and shelf had to be negotiated to gain the crest of each bridge and to climb down on the other side. When Lara was driving fast she had to concentrate on controlling her vehicle over the bad surfaces. Whenever she was forced to slow down her heart began to pound and her stomach went into cramps. That was when armed men might step into the road and order her to stop.
The place Lara worried about most was a small scruffy town with a pot-holed road and a garage that occasionally had fuel. If there was a road block, the police or soldiers would probably be drunk. Road blocks consisted of oil drums and branches. The bull-bar on the jeep should batter through those if she aimed the vehicle at the weakest spot but again there would be guns – could she – should she talk her way through? There was no way Lara could trust any man while she and Inonge were alone at night. Lara had never felt so vulnerable before and her relief when she found the town silent and empty was so tremendous that she almost cried.
Ahead was a long straight tarred road so Lara drove flat out down it. If there were troops or armed bandits that was where they might encounter them. The road went through mupane forests and its surface was broken by wide and deep potholes. Lara hoped she would remember where they were from her last daytime trip. It was almost impossible to see them at night. Hitting a pothole could roll the jeep or damage its axle. As long as there were no abandoned and unlit trucks on the roadside. Crashing into one at speed would kill both her and Inonge.
Chambeshi City was likely to be the most dangerous part of the whole drive so Lara didn’t let herself think about its problems until she reached the outskirts. Would rioters or the army be in
control? Maybe both would control different parts of the city. There might be road blocks set up by opportunistic robbers and thugs. What safe place or reliable person did she know who lived on this side of the city? It would be mad to pull off the road and try to sleep. A parked vehicle would probably attract attention from every passerby. In any case the jeep was open sided and canvas topped. She couldn’t even lock herself and Inonge safely inside it. Lara told herself that exhausted as she was, she must keep on driving in spite of the curfew in the city.
The moment I begin to relax my guard and imagine I’m safe will be the moment of greatest danger – that’s when the unexpected happens and when things go wrong.
Chapter Three
Tim’s Flat
“We survived.” Lara tells Brendan. “We saw no one. No one tried to stop us. There was nobody at any of the road blocks or even at the game park entrance. There were even times when my accelerator foot ached from being held steady at such a constant speed for so long. Inonge helped me – she kept offering me something to eat or drink. She rubbed my neck and shoulders as I drove. She reminded me about places where there were bad potholes and she watched out for animals on the road. It was a long five hour drive. Inonge’s wristwatch said it was after midnight when we reached Chambeshi City.
When we reached the city outskirts I slowed right down and went as carefully and quietly as possible ready at any moment to accelerate away or turn around if necessary. I was aiming for Tim’s flat and my studio. That was the first, the closest and the safest place we could reach and it had a phone. We, of course, had no idea what had happened in Chambeshi while we had been locked up. Tim might have already left – I didn’t know if he would still be around but I knew I had spare keys to the flat attached to the jeep ignition key. I would be okay if the security guard on the building recognised me and opened the gate. It would be pitch dark of course if the curfew was still in place. There was no one on the streets, however, and we reached the yard around the apartment without incident.