‘When the Nazis drop bombs on The Hall you will not say that. You won’t. I know you won’t. Then you will want to kill Nazis as much as I do.’
‘Jack,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘come here.’
In the sanctuary of her arms he revealed what for so long he’d been hiding behind a brave front.
‘I want my mother! I want my mother!’ he suddenly cried out in German.
His sobs reminded Sir Charles of his own tendency to ‘bubble’ when he thought of the friends he’d lost in the Great War.
To minimise his embarrassment, Lady Elizabeth took Jack out of the room.
‘George, go and help your grandmother,’ said Sir Charles, in a quivering voice. ‘I think Jack needs you.’
14
‘The Americans have returned from the shoot, sir,’ said Bert.
Sir Charles met his guests in The Hall’s foyer.
‘Gentlemen, I have dire news. Germany has attacked Poland. The Luftwaffe is bombing Warsaw.’
‘While we’ve been shooting pheasants,’ said Weinberger, ‘the Nazis have been shooting Poles. What’s your government going to do, Charles?’
‘Will you honour your pact with Poland?’ said Mancini.
‘What are the French doing?’ said Macdonald.
‘Dithering.’
‘Is London keeping you informed?’
‘From private contacts I am getting the impression that no one at the top knows what to do.’
‘What a bloody awful end to a wonderful day. Thank you very much, Adolf Hitler,’ said Mancini.
‘Did the shoot go well?’ said Sir Charles.
‘Excellent sport,’ said Macdonald, ‘excellent. Your man Mike knows his stuff.’
‘Showed me a superb stag,’ said Weinberger, ‘said we might go after him tomorrow. I wonder if by tomorrow your country will be at war, Charles.’
‘The stag lives another day because tomorrow we will be too busy killing each other to kill him. How will it all end?’ said Macdonald.
‘I’m gonna make a lot of money,’ said Weinberger, ‘that’s how it will end. Wars eat oil and gas.’
‘And what’s up with the Hitler Youth?’ said Mancini. ‘There were two walking the moors … ignored the beaters; wouldn’t do as they were told … came damn close to getting shot.’
‘There’s been an incident,’ said Sir Charles. He explained.
‘Boys will be boys,’ said Macdonald.
‘Mushrooms that make you hallucinate, interesting,’ said Mancini. ‘That explains the Nazi I saw talking to a rabbit hole.’
‘May I suggest, gentlemen, that when you have changed we meet on the terrace,’ said Sir Charles. ‘Hitler’s invasion of Poland has put a gun to our heads. We have much to talk about.’
‘If you hear me whistling Yankee Doodle Dandy in the bathroom, Charles,’ said Mancini, ‘it means I’m trying to cheer myself up. It’s 1914 all over again.’
‘I’m gonna fill the tub to the top,’ said Weinberger. ‘The shoot has made my legs ache and now Hitler’s gone and made my head ache.’
‘If we all fill our tubs to the top,’ said Macdonald, ‘there’ll be no hot water for O’Neil. Is he back yet, Charles?’
‘Not so far as I know.’
‘He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t shoot,’ said Mancini. ‘The guy’s a moron. What’s he been doing all day?’
‘Playing golf.’
‘Pity Hitler didn’t play golf, take his mind off Lebensraum. “Who are we going to attack today, Mein Fuhrer? Poland? Denmark?” “Nein. The ninth hole.”’
‘I never thought he’d do it?’ said Weinberger.
‘How hard do you push a guy before he fights back?’ said Macdonald.
‘That question, I fear, will be answered sooner rather than later,’ said Sir Charles. ‘I have it on good authority that Ribbentrop has informed Hitler that England will not fight … that we have no stomach for war.’
‘And you think he is wrong?’
‘Yes. I think that this time Mr Hitler has pushed too hard. What is it, Bert?
‘A despatch from the Vicarage, sir.’
‘Take it into the study, Bert.’
‘Sah!’
‘Gentlemen, if you’ll excuse me … drinks on the terrace as soon as convenient. No fixed time. Herr Hitler’s activities have put an end to cosy domestic timetables.’
15
The despatch was a letter from Colonel Eckford.
‘Charles, apologies for sending the attached handwritten but considered speed of delivery more important than presentation. Know your German is fluent so no translation either. All saves time. What these Nazis might be up to makes my hair stand on end.
Tallyho, Reg.
PS The system works. Very excited. We heard them loud and clear.’
The ‘handwritten’ was a verbatim transcript, in German, of a conversation between Gunther and his brother Fritz. Sir Charles was not surprised that the latter was still feeling unwell. A medical orderly, a member of MI5, had given Fritz a sedative. His ‘wide awake ’brother kept shouting at him not to go to sleep. How had he got his head stuck in a piss pot? What had he told the English milord about Doyle? He was a traitor. When they got back home, brother or no brother, he would report his treachery. How do we get what the Irishman Doyle has promised us? You were in charge of the mission. It is the reason we came. You prefer music to National Socialism. Tell me what to do and I will not report your treachery. Fritz, tell me. Soon we must go home. We have given the Irish weapons. We have kept our part of the bargain. The Irish must keep their promise. We cannot return to the Fatherland without the information. Tell me what to do. Tell me. I am your brother.
Sir Charles read on. So, that’s what the Hitler Youth were after. And now he knew how they were going to get it. He pondered what to do.
Bert knocked and entered.
‘I bring you a conundrum, sir.’
‘Sounds like a cocktail.’
‘It is Mr O’Neil, sir. He has returned from his game of golf. The gentleman, sir, is a changed person. He is smiling.’
‘Maybe he won. Winning means everything to some people. Americans are very competitive. If it comes to war and they think we are winning they’ll join us at the last moment and claim the victory as their own.’
‘I don’t know if the gentleman won or lost, sir. What I do know is that the golf clubs he loved so much and wouldn’t let anyone touch are no longer precious to him.’
‘The end of a love affair?’
‘Yes, sir. I nearly dropped my salver when he gave me them to look after. “Park the clubs, Bert,” he said, “and here’s a pound note for your trouble.” Then he asked for a coke, with a double rum on the rocks.’
‘But he doesn’t drink. You checked the clubs?’
‘Of course, sir. The first thing I did, soon as I had a chance.’
‘And?’
‘Nothing wrong with them.’
‘His Mashie-Niblick?’
‘Full size. I got the impression, sir, when the gentleman gave me the bag to look after that he was telling me, “Snoop as much as you like old boy, you won’t find anything”.’
‘And he was right?’
‘No, sir, he was wrong. The golf bag he has given me to look after does not smell of The Hall.’
‘The Hall smells?’
‘Of lavender, sir. The golf bag should smell of lavender.’
‘What does it smell of?’
‘Carbolic soap and damp. It’s been a long time somewhere like a hardware store. It smells the way things used to smell in the trenches.’
‘You think it is not the bag he was so particular about letting no one touch?’
‘I know it’s not, sir. Her ladyship insists that all bedrooms, drawers and cupboards are “sweet” with little
bags of lavender.’
‘You know, I’ve never noticed.’
‘It’s familiarity, sir. When I visit my cousin in Jarrow … his house backs onto the railway, I’ll say to him, “Billy, what’s that noise?” when the coal train passes. He’ll say, “What noise?” He’s so used to it he doesn’t hear it.’
16
At dinner the sole topic of conversation was, ‘Will Britain and France honour their treaty with Poland.’
‘You know,’ said Weinberger, ‘I don’t feel hungry.’
‘The situation?’ said Sir Charles.
‘As we both know, Charles, war is a terrible thing.’ He looked at Harry who was looking at Marigold. ‘Young men will die.’
‘If it comes to war,’ said Mancini, ‘you won’t have to be young to die. In this war you won’t even have to wear a uniform. Look how many civilians the Nazis killed when they bombed Guernica.’
‘Propaganda,’ said O’Neil.
‘You don’t believe it happened?’
‘In war all sides make things up.’
‘Why are you drinking? I thought you were teetotal.’
‘I won at golf. I’m celebrating.’
‘When the Irish killed Pruney,’ said Harry, ‘I didn’t feel like eating. I know how you feel, Jasper. It was Uncle Charles who restored my appetite. Uncle Charles is always right, isn’t he, Aunt Elizabeth?’
‘I wouldn’t say that,’ said Lady Elizabeth. ‘If it wasn’t for me, your uncle would smell. He only takes a bath when I remind him.’
‘Talking of “smells”,’ said Sir Charles, ‘can anyone tell me what The Hall smells of?’
‘Baking bread,’ said Weinberger.
‘Lavender,’ said Mancini.
‘My room smells of lavender,’ said Marigold.
‘When I come to think about it,’ said Weinberger, ‘so does mine.’
‘Yes,’ said Macdonald, ‘lavender. Very pleasant.’
‘Bob?’
‘British Imperialism.’
‘How churlish,’ said Mancini, ‘for once in your life, O’Neil, can you not play the game?’
‘“Play the game”,’ said O’Neil. ‘You sound English. If it comes to war, Mancini, don’t forget you are an American.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘You’re an anglophile.’
‘So?’
‘You’re in love with England. When a guy’s in love he does stupid things.’
‘And what might your love of Ireland make you do? Do you support the Irishmen who blew up the Assembly Rooms?’
‘If we had not used violence against the British in our Revolution America would still be a colony.’
‘Gentlemen,’ said Sir Charles, ‘If Ireland is a thorn in the flesh of England, Germany is a cancer. Let us concentrate on the greater danger.’
‘Hitler’s problem is that he’s not married,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘A married Hitler would not have invaded Poland. His wife would have told him not to be so silly. I’m so pleased that Mr Roosevelt has a wife.’
‘And girlfriends,’ said Mancini.
‘That’s gossip,’ said Marigold.
‘I’m sure I don’t know if Mario is right or wrong, but I hope he is right. If Mr Roosevelt has a wife and girlfriends, he will be the recipient of lots of feminine advice. I am sure if it comes to war all his lady friends will tell him to help our little island. Furthermore, Marigold and I do not wish to join you men for your port and cigars.’
‘We have things to do,’ said Marigold.
‘A woman with a husband, don’t you know, Charles, will always have things to do and not enough time in which to do them. Adieu.’
‘What was all that about?’ said Weinberger.
Sir Charles, who knew, just shrugged.
17
Fifteen minutes later Sir Charles prised himself out of a green leather armchair with wings.
‘Gentlemen,’ he said, ‘I do apologise but I must leave you to enjoy the port and cigars without your host.’ He gulped down a glass of port. ‘I must also apologise to the port. That is not, definitely not, how port should be drunk. Not to overdramatize the situation, gentlemen, but I have to see to the defence of the realm. England is preparing for war. America is not. London, don’t you know, is so much closer to Berlin than New York. Harry will do the honours. Noblesse oblige, Harry.’
‘What if I have to join my squadron?’
‘In the Great War, Harry, I found it best not to worry about what might happen. Be patient. Wait until what might happen happens.’
‘Is there anything we can do to help, Charles?’ said Weinberger.
‘Yes, tell America to roll up her sleeves and help the country of her birth. Failure to help will be patricide.’
On his way to Mike’s cottage Sir Charles wondered if he’d gone too far. His theatricality had been a way of reminding his guests of an unpleasant truth. He wanted them to be under no illusions about the seriousness of the situation. England could not defeat Germany without American help.
18
In the cottage Lady Elizabeth, Marigold, Mike, George and Jack were waiting for him; all were sitting round a roaring fire quite unsuitable for such a warm evening. The cottage’s walls were thick. Only on the hottest of days was a fire not lit. In another room Mike’s wife, Margaret, could be heard washing dishes.
‘Ah, Charles,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘you are here. Good. Now tell me why I am here.’
The cottage’s low ceilings made her feel claustrophobic. She was used to high ceilings. Through a door she could see a tin bath hanging on a wall. George and Jack had cats on their knees. She was not a lover of cats. Cats had fleas. George and Jack would bring fleas into The Hall. What would she do if the Americans started scratching?
‘Mike,’ said Sir Charles, ‘have you told Jack what we want him to do?’
‘He’s willing to do it,’ said Mike, ‘aren’t you, Jack?’
‘If it hurts the Nazis, I will do it,’ said Jack.
‘It is not good to be vengeful, Jack,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘it will make you constipated.’
‘You will give me more syrup of the fig. I like the taste.’
‘Syrup of figs is a medicine. It is not to be quaffed the way men drink beer. Charles, what have you asked the child to do? And why are you involving myself and Marigold?’
‘I am not a child,’ said Jack. ‘I want to do it.’
‘Vengeance is a leech, Jack,’ continued Lady Elizabeth. ‘Some of the big ones I saw in India are capable of sucking every drop of blood out of your body.’
‘Will my blood make the leeches constipated?’
‘You must not let the nasty things you have seen steal your childhood; that is what, in my clumsy way, I’m trying to tell you, Jack. We brought you to The Hall to give you a second chance. We did not bring you here to murder Nazis.’
‘Sometimes, Elizabeth,’ said Sir Charles, ‘events make us grow up rather more quickly than Nature intended. The Great War stole my adolescence. It killed many of my friends.’
Lady Elizabeth sighed.
‘May I suggest you sit down, Lady Elizabeth,’ said Mike. ‘A few cat’s hairs never hurt anyone’s bottom.’ He dusted a cushion. ‘I’ll get Margaret to make us all a cup of tea. Milk and whisky?’
‘Where is your good lady?’
‘In the kitchen.’
‘She knows her place. I suppose I’d better shut up and learn mine. Charles … I’m listening. ‘
‘Tomorrow morning at ten o’clock a member of the Hitler Youth called Gunther will collect a parcel from the railway station’s left luggage office.’
‘How do you know?’ said Marigold.
‘MI5 has its ways and means.’
‘Ways and means not to be shared with your friends? Don’t look so
embarrassed, Charlie. I know the rules of the game.’
‘If it comes to war there will be no rules. The rule book will be thrown out of the window.’ He paused. ‘When I think what might be about to happen my blood runs cold. Gunther’s brother should be doing the collecting but, thanks to young Jack here, he’s sick.’
‘Mushroom poisoning?’
‘Magic mushrooms. He is hallucinating.’
‘What if he recovers?’
‘There is a special ward in the hospital. It is out of bounds to the regular medical chaps. Crozier doesn’t like it but can do nothing about it. All the poorly Hitler Youth are in it. Believe me, they are very comfortable. It is run by MI5. Until it suits us, Fritz will be kept as woozy as a weeping willow. Bad news about my chamber pot, though – the one Bert made Fritz wear like a hat. The medics had to smash it off the blighter’s head.’
‘Charles,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘I do hope it wasn’t one of your treasures. I know how fond you are of your collection.’
‘It was not the one used by Wellington after Waterloo, if that’s what you mean.’
‘Thank goodness for that. I hate it when you sulk.’
‘Daddy collects fossilised dinosaur turds,’ said Marigold.
‘Does he really,’ said Sir Charles, ‘how very interesting. What he collects goes into what I collect, if you see what I mean. I wonder what Freud would make of that. I digress. When Gunther sallies forth to the railway station he will be, how should I put it? Interrupted. He will never reach the railway station.’
‘Dear me,’ said Lady Elizabeth, ‘you are not going to kill him, are you?’
‘No, Elizabeth, we are not going to kill him. This is England, not Nazi Germany. Big men will overpower him.’
‘Are they the men pretending to repair the road, Grandfather?’ said George.
‘Yes.’
Spies on Bikes Page 22