by R. J. Blain
Considering my reading skills were only a little better than my math skills, I held the briefcase out to my attorney.
“Please tell me you’ve been reading the documents you’ve been signing, Layla.”
“If I told you that, I’d be lying. I do know how to spell my name, and in my defense, I mostly have the basics covered. Those documents just use excessively stupid words.”
“We tend to call that legal jargon.”
“I think I’ll stick with excessively stupid words.”
As though sensing my attorney might turn on him and kill him with the power of her voice alone, the state worker fled. His flight annoyed both unicorns into stomping their hooves and snorting.
My attorney cracked open the briefcase and spread out papers across the table. I spotted one of the cards they liked to give me whenever I escaped prison for a few days. Pointing at it, I asked, “So, that thing becomes money?”
“It’s a debit card. It takes the money you want to pay with from an account that contains the money you’ve earned. You can only spend the amount of money you’ve earned from that account.”
“Let me guess. I’m going to need math and numbers to understand how that all works.”
“Essentially.”
“Great. And counting to ten ten times isn’t going to cut it, is it?”
“Not even remotely.”
“All right. We may as well get this over with. What else are you going to tell me that I’m not going to like?”
“I’m pretty sure the entire briefcase is going to be like that, but everything will be things you should know. We’ll start with the rental agreement.”
“The what?”
“Rental agreements are how people loan a property to someone else. You pay rent to live in a place you don’t own. According to this paper, the state will be paying your rent for a period of six months, after which you’ll have to move somewhere else or take on the burden of payments.”
“Why are they paying this rent for me?”
“I’m assuming the judge decided the state would be doing that because they used you as child labor illegally, and angelic verification gives him a lot of rights to make such edicts. In this case, he found the state guilty and you innocent, so the state will have to pay you for their crimes. It seems the state wasted no time agreeing to some of the judge’s terms; the signature on this is from today, so I’m assuming the judge contacted another angel and fast-tracked processing. Usually, this sort of thing takes months. They’ve gone and done my job for me, honestly.”
“They have?”
“In this case, I’d be recommending you press charges, and another attorney, a prosecutor from another state, would come in and handle the trial. I would still be available for you, but as you’re no longer the defendant, the nature of the case changes substantially.”
“The more you tell me, the less I like it. Is that normal?”
“Well, I am a lawyer. That is often part of my job, telling people things they don’t want to hear. In your case, once you are able to figure out how everything works, you’ll be much better off. The gaps in your education are a major concern.”
I pointed at the unicorns. “I bet they could teach me.”
“I’m not sure they’re formally educated on the ways of the human world.”
“They are probably more educated about it than I am.”
“Pardon my intrusion,” a deep-voiced man said before strolling into the room. My brows shot up. While an angel made sense visiting a court, the last thing I expected was a hotter than sin, dark-skinned beauty of a man strolling in sporting a tail and leathery wings. “I’m here to provide instruction for a Layla Kellen?”
The stallion’s ears pinned back, and he lashed his tail while his sister whinnied, a sound reminding me of laughter.
I had no idea what she found funny, although she might have reason to laugh at me if I couldn’t restrain myself from drooling.
Swallowing several times, I turned to my lawyer, pointed at the man, and blurted, “I don’t know what he is or what I’m supposed to do with him, but can I steal him?”
She laughed. “I don’t think any theft is required. He’s an incubus, Layla. He’d probably go with you willingly if you wanted. If you don’t want him, I certainly wouldn’t mind taking him home to my husband.”
Holy hell. After a brief but serious moment of consideration, I decided I wasn’t interested in sharing a man, even a man of a different, albeit sexy, species. “I thought I needed help with math, not sexual deviance.” Even I had heard of incubi and what they could do to men and women. The stories in prison were enough to scorch my virgin ears.
“I’m paying back an owed favor, and I assure you, I’m not here to educate you on any acts of sexual deviance.”
“I can’t tell if I’m disappointed or relieved.”
“Go with relieved. I’m not your type.”
I tilted my head. “You’re not?”
“You’re the kind to dedicate and expect dedication in return. You’d spend half your time beating me for straying, and the other half trying to convince me to stick around, and you’d be a mess by the end of the first week. While I usually enjoy virgins, I’d rather avoid nightly beatings for straying.”
“I don’t think I’d actually beat you.” I furrowed my brow, considering the situation. “Would I?”
“You would because I’d like it.”
Damn. My eyes widened. “What would I be beating you with?”
“Probably a paddle. They make it hurt better.”
My attorney snickered. “He’s toying with you, Layla. It’s what they do. He’ll cause you problems the entire time he’s tutoring you.”
The stallion snorted and stamped his hoof.
The incubus raised a brow. “Didn’t I just say I wasn’t interested? If you want to compete, you’re just going to have to stop prancing around as a horse with a penis plastered onto your forehead.”
While I’d dodged useful education in prison, I’d had my fair share of exposure to rowdy men and their penises. That story had always ended the same way, with them enduring pain and suffering while I’d returned to my cell, swearing I’d cut off the next one someone brought near me without invitation.
I’d gotten a reputation as a ball buster, and men had decided they would rather remain intact, opting to leave me alone.
“His horn looks nothing like a penis,” I announced.
My attorney cracked up laughing. “It really doesn’t. I take it incubi don’t get along well with unicorns.”
“They’re almost as prissy as angels when they aren’t trying to take over the world.”
“Unicorns are trying to take over the world?” I asked, regarding the brother and sister with interest. “How does a unicorn try to take over the world?”
“I think she’s planning on just stealing things and building an empire based on wealth and taking over that way. He’s on a slightly different mission.” The incubus shrugged. “You’re going to have your hands full.”
“Does she want help? Because that sounds like something I’d be good at.”
“No,” my attorney said, slapping a stack of papers against the table to get my attention. “You’re reforming. That means you can’t help the unicorn steal things.”
“Why not?”
“Theft is wrong, Layla.”
“So is math,” I muttered. “But people are expecting me to learn how numbers work anyway.”
“Call me Westin. In addition to teaching you the basics of mathematics, I’ve been asked to take you to your new residence and show you how you’ll be expected to care for yourself and your companions.”
“What did they do to deserve this? I mean, they probably had to do some hefty crime to get stuck with me as their caretaker.”
“Not precisely, but it amuses me thinking of unicorns as criminals. They’re disgustingly good-natured creatures most of the time. Then again, that one does want to take over the world, and th
e other has even more nefarious plans. Actually, I’m rather impressed. They’re like pure little bundles of evil.”
Oh. Right. Westin counted as a demon or a devil or something like that. “That makes no sense. How can anyone be pure and evil? Are you going to try to kill the unicorns? Or are they going to try to kill you? Because honestly, while fights can be entertaining, I get pretty pissy if I have to break them up. I’m also not sure how I’d break up a fight between a pair of unicorns and an incubus.”
“Very carefully. Honestly, you could accomplish such a thing taking off your shirt,” Westin replied. “Breasts are so much better than fights, if I do say so myself.”
The stallion flicked an ear forward, which I interpreted as a general interest in breasts, too. I regarded mine with a frown. “They mostly just get in the way and cost the state a fortune. Or, that’s what the prison supervisors say while complaining when they’re forced to provide new bras.”
My attorney sighed. “Clothing shopping is going to be a requirement, Mr. Westin.”
“Just Westin, please. I recommend you request a complete auditing of Miss Kellen’s file while I handle her living arrangements and settling her and her companions. Despite my species, you’ll find I’m quite capable and nurturing when the situation requires it. I volunteered as I do enjoy humanitarian services and not just the kind that ends with everyone being a little happier for a while. My contact recommended me, as I might be a grounding influence.”
“Am I the only one who finds this whole idea to be disturbing? Unless I’m being trained on how to take over the world with a unicorn. That sounds interesting, especially as you mentioned it involved a lot of money. If I have a lot of money, I can just use the card and not have to worry about the math, right?”
The attorney and the incubus exchanged long looks.
“What? It seemed perfectly sensible to me.”
“She really has no idea about the value of money, does she?”
“Not a clue. Try not to overwhelm her too much. She had her first cupcake today, and when she found out she could work an hour to earn one topped with pixie dust, her expression concerned me. She might become a workaholic if she’s paid in cupcakes.”
Westin considered me, making a thoughtful noise in his throat. “I was asked to help her find a career that suits her. I was not told she couldn’t become a criminal mastermind.”
“The idea is to integrate her into society, not send her back to prison.”
“She’d only go to prison if she got caught.”
“Can we try something legal for once? And honestly, that I just asked that question shocks even me.”
“And on that happy note, I’ll leave you to Westin. I want to make sure I can get everything I need to help you press charges against the state and get the wheels in motion for that. I’d rather do it while the judge is likely to be cooperative so I can get his input on how to proceed. Are you all right with that, Layla?”
“As long as he reads those papers for me.”
“She can’t read?” Westin asked.
“It’s going to be an interesting set of charges the state will face for her incarceration. This morning, I expected a run of the mill case. Well, that’s not what I got. But it’ll be a challenge, and I’m all right with that. I’m only sad I opted to be a defense attorney rather than a prosecutor. I’d love to spank the defense on this one.” My attorney handed Westin a card. “Call me if there are any issues. I’d also like if you would get Layla set up with a phone and plug my number into her contacts so she can contact me herself if needed.”
“I feel I have been tricked, but I have been tricked in such a way I must respect the efforts gone into putting me in this situation. Very well. Layla, you do not have a driver’s license?”
“Do you think they’d actually allow the inmates to drive the bus?” I countered.
“The answer to that is no. It’s a privilege the incarcerated do not enjoy. She won’t pass a test, anyway. She couldn’t read the questions to answer them, if my guess is correct.”
“I would resent your comment, except it’s true. I guess I have to learn how to read the damned excessively stupid words, don’t I?”
“Yes,” my attorney replied.
“Well, shit.”
“With that out of the way, I have a lot of work to do if I want to leave the courthouse today. I wish you the best of luck, Layla. Please call me if there’s any issues, and I will check in with you as soon as I have something concrete.”
My attorney packed up her suitcase, leaving a disconcerting number of papers on the table. I regarded them with disdain.
“You have no idea what your attorney’s name is, do you?”
“Should I?”
“Usually, humans do like to know the name of the people defending them in court.”
Huh. “But why? It’s not like they stick around or really care what happens to me. I mean, that’s just how it is. Most attorneys see my record and laugh. I think she was too stunned and horrified to laugh, and I figured why bring names into it? I’m sure her name was written on one of the papers I signed without reading.”
“Her name is Kelly.”
“Well, why didn’t she just say so rather than expecting me to read it off a stupid piece of paper?”
The incubus stared at the unicorns. “You both willingly volunteered for this? You are better beings than I.”
Laughing, I grabbed the nearest stack of papers. “Now that I have horrified even a demon-devil thing, let’s begin with these papers. What do they say, and why are they important?”
“Heaven help me,” the incubus muttered before sitting down and taking the sheets out of my hand. “This is the court order authorizing your immediate release from prison and authorizing a state representative, in this case, me, to assist you with whatever you need to make it possible for you to meet your parole terms. Your parole terms are also defined in this document as successfully caring for these two unicorns.”
“Do they have names, or will I be calling them Pissy and Prissy?”
“Can we just call them Pissy and Prissy anyway?”
“Not if their names are written down on one of these papers, and if I learn to read and find out you lied to me about their names, I will insert Pissy’s horn up your ass.”
“Which one is Pissy?”
“The male, since he’s been pissy the entire court session. The other one is Prissy because she looked offended that she had to deal with mere humans.”
“To be fair, dealing with mere humans can be quite the drag, so try not to judge her too harshly,” Westin replied. “His name is Dean, and his sister’s name is Xena.”
“Okay. Xena I can understand as a name for a unicorn. That’s exotic and rather pretty. But Dean? You may as well prance him out and showcase him as the most normal damned thing in North Carolina. Bean is more interesting than Dean, so I’m calling him Bean.”
“That’s not how names work, Layla.”
“It is now.”
“Okay then. Moving on.” Westin tossed the sheets aside and picked up a new stack. “This one is a list of expenses the state will cover while it investigates your earnings issue. It is being paid out as compensation for mistreatment, which has been verified by an angel. I’m not going to waste my time reading the numbers to you right now, as they won’t mean anything without an understanding of how math works.”
“That is the most sensible thing anyone has said to me today.”
“Just because I’m delaying the explanation of the specifics does not mean you’re getting out of learning what everything means.”
“Okay. That’s fair. I think. What else are all these papers for?”
The tallest stack proved to be a condensed listing of all charges, and the judge had highlighted all questionable punishments. “What does it mean by questionable?”
“You were sentenced to a year for pilfering a sandwich. The maximum penalty for North Carolina for the pilfering of something valued b
elow a thousand dollars is a hundred and fifty days, and it should have been issued as community service rather than imprisonment.” Westin sorted through the papers, spreading them out. He pulled out a phone from his pocket and tapped at the screen. “According to this, you were unlawfully detailed for a period of at least five and a half years of excess sentencing.”
“Should I assume that is a lot? I really don’t pay a lot of attention to how much time passes. There’s no point, you know?”
“Yes, it is a long time.”
“Okay. What does this mean for me?”
“It means the state will owe you a lot in damages, compensation, and so on. It also means that there will be a lot of people answering some uncomfortable questions in the near future, as the majority of your cases were handled by a limited number of judges and attorneys. A note here says Judge Davids was brought in to review your case on special request.”
“Who made the request?”
“That I can’t tell you. It’s just a notation. But the notation explains why he was able to get so many concessions from the state in such a short period of time. It’s pretty obvious to any sane individual your cases have been grossly mishandled.”
“Am I the only one who is confused about all this? Why me?”
“I’m most certainly confused. I’m not sure what skills you have that someone in the prison system could possibly want.”
“I can sew.”
“Unless you’re turning thread to gold, that’s not really a skill worth gaming the system over.”
“Why not?”
“Sewing can be automated with machines for much cheaper than having someone hand sew something. Machines can even embroider.”
“Oh! I’ve done that. I like the days I can embroider. I think it’s fun. I like the colors and making pretty artwork. The last time I embroidered, I got to recreate a painting. It took me a while, but I did a fantastic job. I’ve done some paintings, too.”
Westin set the papers down, and his expression turned curious. “What sort of painting did you do?”
“The kind you use a brush for. I’d be given a picture and told to paint it. So I did.”