It’s not a big house, I call it den. It’s just a studio, but I’m alone. I’ve been alone for a long time and I don’t care anymore. In the end I’m free to do whatever I like.
But it’s not easy, not at all. Tonight I can’t get anything done, I can’t sleep or even turn on the tv. I keep looking at that cage, which I put ion the bedside table. I would love them to sing, I would love to hear them singing again.
It’s almost 2am, but I know I won’t be able to close my eyes. My peace of mind was gone, along with their singing.
Then I got struck by a sudden, great idea. I run into the bathroom and turn on the water. I watch it filling up the bathtub, full of excitement, checking that the water is just lukewarm. Then I’m going to take the cage.
I have to fight against logic because it tells me I’m crazy, that those crickets will drown as soon as I put my cage in the water, but I know what I saw into that pool.
So I fight the logic and let the cage in, I put the cage right on the bottom. Then I leaned beside the tub, my arms on the edge, waiting. I’m excited, more excited than on my first date.
One minute is gone, the second as well, then the song starts. First humble, distant, then more and more powerful. I feel it in my blood, I feel it in my heart, but it’s not enough. I lose my clothes in a hurry, and naked and I got myself into the bathtub.
I let go, I let myself fall in the water, and that sound pervaded me powerfully. It has never been so beautiful, so inebriating, so hypnotic.
I would have liked not be forced to breathe, but I have to do it. Only the time to take a deep breath and then I went down again. I want to spend the rest of my life in this bathtub, I wish they would never stop. Never.
Then two powerful knocks make me jump, and I come back up with my heart up my throat.
I get a furious voice from the other side of the wall. «Stop it for God’s sake! It’s 2am! Turn that damn music off, it’s horrible!».
With a big, big agony, I pull the cage out of the water.
I’m not alone.
I have full knowledge of this, even though I have not yet woken up completely.
I get the noise of the sea, and I realize that the window must be open, wide open. Have I left it like this? I can’t remember.
I hear something dripping. Water.
The tub? I emptied it, I’m almost sure. Did I close the tap properly?
The crickets were silent. It’s normal, I say to myself, out of the water they’re always silent. Actually isn’t really normal, but so it is, I accepted it.
Yet there is someone in here, in the dark. Someone, something that moves in silence. Have the crickets escaped from their cage? No, something much bigger.
There is only the smell of the sea that surrounds me, as if I was cradling from the waves. I’m not afraid. It can’t be a thief, I own nothing. There is something familiar, something lost, forgotten, something that makes me feel good.
I feel like sleep is back to submerge myself and I fight it with all my strength. No, Something’s wrong! There’s something! Something!
I opened my eyes.
There is no darkness. The window is right in front of my bed, wide open. The moon illuminates the room, giving it a spectral look. The roar of the sea is constant, very close.
I slowly stand up, looking around with fear.
There’s water. The floor is wet. Where did it come from? The sea is rough, was it able to come all the way up here?
Puddles, small puddles, that are already drying. They are everywhere in the room, but mostly around the window.
I get my feet on the ground and feel them wet. The carpet is damp with water. I turn on the light.
The magical atmosphere is gone, but the anxiety increases. It wasn’t a dream, now I’m sure: somebody was here. He came in from the window, and it was easy as I live on the ground floor. He left footprints everywhere, wet footprints.
What was he looking for? Why come to rob me, that I have nothing? I have no hidden treasures, I just…
My eyes are pointing at the bedside table: the cage is gone. I couldn’t have been wrong, I left it there, I wouldn’t have fallen asleep without having them next to me.
The crickets! My crickets!
I’m looking for them, because I can’t do without them anymore. Even though I understand that they’re not here anymore, I cling to any hope. Maybe I forgot them in the bathroom… maybe I brought them in the kitchen.
I brake down, in the end. A total, definitive brake down.
They took my crickets away. I will never hear them sing anymore. What have I have left now? Life is over, it no longer have a purpose.
I’m exaggerating, it’s crazy, until a few hours ago my existence was nice, I was happy, I didn’t need any cricket. But now I have heard them sing. I can’t make it without them anymore.
What’s happening to me? Am becoming crazy? Do I see ghosts? Those crickets really existed or I just dreamed about them? Have they been taken away or I just woke up from a dream?
Try to think is pointless, that silence kills me, grabs my heart, takes my breath away.
I open the door and go out in the night.
The sea looks stormy, there’s a strong wind. I listen carefully, but the rumbling of the waves outweighs any sound.
Where are you? crickets, where are you? Where is your song?
I cry.
«Hi, Ondina».
«What happened, Bo?».
I murmur something incomprehensible.
«You’re acting weird today, do you feel sick? You’re so pale».
I struggle to smile. «I didn’t sleep well last night».
Will she ask me about the crickets? She must want to know if I found them, what did I do? Or maybe not, maybe she doesn’t know anything about any cricket, was it really a dream and nothing else?
It doesn’t matter whether it was real or a dream, I just know that I was happy, really happy, maybe for the first time in my life.
«I’m sorry», says Ondina, but in a split second she has forgotten my problems, because she’s just a girl and she doesn’t consider important something like that. «Is there anyone already?».
I shake my head. «You’re alone tonight».
«I’ll do just a dozen laps, don’t worry, I’ll let you go home early».
«It doesn’t matter, I only close at midnight». Then I realized I’ve being too formal, caught up in my own problems. «Are you worried about the competition? You shouldn’t, you’re the best, you swim like a fish».
She smiles, and she is so beautiful. «I’m always afraid that I’m not doing enough. Will you be there?».
«I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Will your father also come?».
I shouldn’t have asked her because I saw a shadow falling on her face. «I don’t know. I don’t think so. He hates the water. Some things just don’t catch his attention».
I don’t know why, what happened to Sandro. He never loved the sea much, but in recent times he can’t stand it, he really does hate it. I feel sorry for Ondina.
«Funny, as your name in Italian means little wave and he gave you that name».
She laughs. «It’s awful, isn’t it? They all get fun of me. But it wasn’t him, mom chose my name».
«I’m sorry. He should be proud of having a daughter like you».
«But he is!». Ondina stood up by his side immediately. «It’s just that he hates water. Just this».
I don’t want to seem indelicate, and maybe I don’t even want to talk anymore. «Go, now, I made you waste enough time already».
Ondina throw me a kiss with her hand and runs away laughing.
It didn’t really matter, they were just stupid crickets. Even though their song was the most beautiful melody in the world, it’s still not as important. I’m happy about my life, I already have everything I want.
Who am I kidding? I look at the bucket and the broom that wait for me, and I feel sinking. I even start wondering how could I carry on.
/> Then I hear Ondina come back. She already put her costume on and she’s wearing the headset to protect her hair.
«There’re still there», she says.
I feel my heart jump out of my chest. «What?», I stutter, probably for the first time in my life.
«The crickets, I heard them. They’re still by the pool».
I must have looked really weird, but I can’t resist it. I leave the counter and I almost run over her.
She comes behind me. «Don’t worry, don’t worry! It’s fine for me!».
I can’t hear them, I can not hear them, but keep my hopes up. I got in the swimming pool room and all I can hear is… silence. No song, only the slow waving of water against the edges.
«Where… where…», I ask.
Ondina comes behind me. «They were here. I’m sure I heard them». Suddenly she forgets about me and the crickets and stepped ahead with an astonishing look. «Mom?».
I’m more amazed then her, because there should be no one inside. How did she come in? Why didn’t I see her?
I sigh, because time seems to have stopped. Nives looks still the same, young as she was, beautiful. I still picture myself on that beach, as if I was a young man.
It’s been almost twenty years, though, and that’s not a beach. She is sitting on the bench, waiting, and when Ondina start walking towards her she stands up. She’s smiling. She wears a simple, blue dress, and her hair still shine like gold.
Maybe she didn’t even notice me, she only has eyes for Ondina. They hug.
«Oh, my little love! It’s so nice to see you again!».
I should leave, leave them alone. I know how little time they spend with each other. But my crickets are there, which I can’t forget, and now she’s there also.
How much would I want to be in Sandro’s shoes. I would have loved that she noticed me. But nothing, just one glance it was all they needed it to fall in love with each other, and they cut me off their existence.
«Does dad know you’re here?», Ondina asks.
He doesn’t know, I read it in Nives’s eyes. He doesn’t know and she doesn’t want to tell him. I don’t understand, I never understood them. I think Sandro still loves her, that he never stopped loving her. Maybe they’re not even divorced. If they’ve ever being married. He’s always been very jealous about his private life.
«I can’t stay long, dear. I just came to wish you good luck for the competition».
«But Daddy loves you! It does nothing but think about you, you can’t do this to him!».
Nives caresses her. «Dad knows I can’t stay. He understands it».
Ondina shakes her head. «No, that’s not true, maybe he makes you believe that, but he’s hurt. He needs you».
«I can’t, dear, I really can’t». A sigh. «You know I have little time, I have to go. Don’t waste it like that».
«You always have to go away, you’re never here. Years go by without you showing up».
«Just because it is so little, it is even more precious, don’t you think?».
She puts her hands on her shoulders and checks her. «Let me see you! You’re getting bigger! You really grew up! You have become so beautiful».
Ondina laughed. «Come on, stop it!».
«I’m so proud of you, of everything you do».
«Mom, I haven’t done anything yet! Those were just minor competitions».
«Oh, but you will become the greatest, I’m sure: the greatest of all».
«I hope so. But there is so much competition, and I’m not sure I’m as good as you say».
«That’s just nonsense!», Nives replies with a smile, then she turn around and takes something that was on the bench. «I brought you a present».
My heart stops, for a moment. What she’s giving her is the cricket cage. My crickets.
I can’t even think. Nives came into my room? How did she do it? Did she take them away? Did she see me asleep, next to me, did she remember me? But how…
«What’s that?», Ondina asks.
«The sweetest sound in the world to relax and give you joy».
«They’re crickets!», Ondina snorts. «But mom, you know I hate all insects!».
Nives doesn’t give up. «They’re not just crickets, Ondina, these are special. They are a part of me. They are very dear to my heart, they’ve been keeping me company». Her gaze was on me now. «They should’ve being a surprise. I lost them but then I got them back».
I have to do something, I have to say something, it can’t end that way. But I’m paralyzed, I can’t move.
«How strange they are», Ondina says. «Are they coming from where you live?», she adds, with a bit of bitterness: «Wherever it is».
Nives sighs. «They come from where I live, yes».
«Mom, don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t need them. I don’t know what to do with them. I wouldn’t be able to deal with them. I don’t have spare time, you know, I can’t have pets». Then, quickly, before the woman could get offended: «The most beautiful gift it’s you being here. That’s all I needed. To feel you close to me, to listen to your words».
The mother hugs her. «Oh dear, how much I missed you, how much I would like to be able to live with you».
«Why don’t you, Mom? Dad would be happy».
«Dad knows it, dear. He always knew that I couldn’t stay, he accepted it».
«Yes but…».
Nives hugs her again. «I have to go back now. Go back to your training. Show me how to swim».
«Oh, mom!».
She breaks off her embrace, uncertain, she adjusts her headset, then reaches the platform. Her dive is perfect, she disappears underwater. The mother smiles at her, then, while Ondina was swimming, she comes to me.
I would like to apologize, I feel like a thief, but I can’t get my eyes off that cage, from the paradise I lost.
Even Nives is part of that paradise. How could I have accepted the defeat that way, how could I have left her to Sandro? She would have left me too, but I didn’t care.
I had my competitions back then, I was blind and stupid. I lost her. Forever.
«Hello, Bo».
She remembers me, it’s amazing.
She’s smiling. She also had a mischievous look, she must be pleased. I’m wondering what are her thoughts about me, now, about the crickets and me.
I have so many questions I would like to ask her: how’s her life now, is she happy. Was it worth it. But I think I already have all the answers.
«Why did you leave them?».
She is no longer a girl, now that she’s close I can see it. She’s a mature woman, but she’s even more beautiful. I picture her on that rock, her hair blown by the wind. I can hear Sandro’s hand tighten my arm. And I hear his words again. «I’m having a vision!».
Who wouldn’t have fallen in love with her at the first glance? Who could have resisted her?
«I didn’t leave them, Bo. I always keep an eye on them».
«The crickets…», I begin, then the voice betrays me. I try to speak normally. «You put them in there, clearly, because Ondina should have found them? It should have been a present. But I took them away».
She’s giving me the cage.
«Do you want to take them? In memory of old times. To remember me?».
I can’t speak, but my hands move on their own and they grab the cage.
«They are special animals», she says. «They can give you so much joy and happiness. They can bring luck, but you must not abuse them. They can also be hypnotic, captivating. You think you can handle them?».
I immediately nod.
«They surround me, they’re my joy, they’re my voice. My husband was also attracted by them. Yes, he loved them too».
She bend her head and adds: «Not anymore. He thought he could handle them, but he couldn’t. He’s hurt. Now he hates them and hates the sea. He hates all of this, even though I had warned him. Even though he knew what would happen».
She caresses my cheek, an
d to her touch I paralyze. «Would it be different with you, Bo? Would you still love the sea? Would you have accepted it?».
She’s really asking me that question. Oh yes, I would continue to love the sea. Maybe I loved it too much. Maybe it had made me blind to anything else.
There is so much sadness in her eyes. Perhaps she also realized she had made the wrong choice. But that magical moment has vanished, lost and forgotten long time ago.
«Take care of them», whispers Nives. «That’s all I can give you».
I’m not sure if she talking about the crickets or Ondina.
She throws one last look at her daughter, but the girl is swimming towards the opposite side and she can’t see us.
She goes away, silently.
I hold that cage to my heart, meet the look of my crickets. I feel the peace surround me, though they still don’t sing.
Yet it’s not enough, in that moment they can’t be enough either. Nives has disappeared, and her absence is so total, absolute, to make me fall back into distress.
Why did I leave her to Sandro? Why didn’t I fight? For friendship? No, we weren’t that close. For competitions, for sports, for the sea that filled my whole mind.
I also look at Ondina, but she’s focused on her task and she doesn’t notice anything. Then I run behind Nives.
It can’t end that way, I can’t lose her again. I get to the entrance but she was gone. I open the door and get out.
It’s dark, so dark, but slowly my eyes get used to it and I see the moonlit beach. I find a silhouette walking slowly towards the sea.
I run behind her, but without shouting, because I don’t know what to say. It’s too late, she knows it as I know it too. Too damn late.
Nives is losing her cloths. I see them falling one by one. I run faster.
Now she is naked, shining under the moonlight rays, beautiful. She almost reached the sea.
Under my eyes the transformation begins. She lowers, crawls, the legs vanished, scales now cover all her body, the back of her body resembles that of a fish. She still drags the body on her hands, she finally reached the sparkling waves.
And that’s where I stop, I freeze, holding my precious cage to my chest. I look at that beautiful siren immersed in her element, I see her disappearing in the waves to reappear a bit further. And from the sea around there started the celestial, hypnotic, magical music. A music that can fascinate anyone.
Lizzi Bizzi and the Red Witch Page 20