He was insisting, and I had no reply. What would I know about it? I wasn’t an expert for sure. Of course, he wasn’t my first, but it wasn’t like I measured the size of every boy I slept with. Surely, I could say that Tony’s was even smaller than his, and he was also a sprinter. Nine seconds flat.
«Stop talking nonsense».
«You’re ashamed of being seen hanging out with me».
«No!».
«I can always say you’re my babysitter, if you want».
«Are you trying to fight with me?».
«We’re no longer in a sewer».
I finally realised the meaning behind what he said. I understood his discontent. I felt the empty space between us. So, I held his hands and spoke no more.
We looked funny, we just did. As a couple, at least. We truly looked like a babysitter who’s taking the kid to get ice-cream.
So, I put my arm around his shoulders and he let me do it without saying a word.
What was I doing? Why was I acting like that? Was I making fun of him? No, that wasn’t the case. He knew very well that there was nothing between us. It was just sex, nothing more.
Arrived at the gates of the amusement park, I stopped.
«You don’t want to come?», he asked.
Why? To bring him back in that state, wearing those clothes? To explain to his family what happened to him? I felt like an idiot and shook my head.
«Ok, I get it. Never mind».
No, he didn’t get it. I wasn’t angry at him, it wasn’t like that! It wasn’t because I didn’t like it… For fuck’s sake, I liked it! I liked it so much I was ready to do it again at a moment’s notice! I…
I chased him.
«Do you hate me?».
He shrugged. «It’s just the way you are».
What way? What did he mean by that? That I was a bitch?
His father saw us from afar, but instead of coming to us screaming he did the opposite. He went back inside the wagon and slammed the door. I followed the little man up to the wagon, and there he asked me: «You want to come in?».
I wanted to, but I was certain that his father disliked me.
He went up the stairs and swung the door open without waiting for my reply. «Come on, come in».
No one greeted us. The room looked like a living room and was clean and tidy, as well as empty. He pointed to a door. «Wait for me there».
I was thankful for that. I didn’t want to be caught up in family fights, even if I was the cause of them.
The room I entered needed to be the little man’s. I was left in awe. It was a… normal room. The typical room of any boy our age. Adventure books and albums. Posters on the walls, a computer, videogames. Chaos and clothes thrown here and there. Except everything, starting from the bad, was to scale. I sat on a chair and felt like Snow White in the house of the Seven Dwarfs.
I began to feel bad. Not that I could hear any screaming or whatever. If they were fighting, they were keeping it very low. It was the room that made me feel uncomfortable, because I understood that I had made a real error of judgement.
The little man arrived after a few minutes. He opened his closet and pulled out some clothes. «I’ll change, so you can get these clothes back».
He turned his back to me to undress. I began to do the same, taking my sweater and shirt off.
He turned around sharply. «What are you doing?».
Even I wasn’t sure of what I was about to do. His father was in the room next door and could have entered at any moment. I paused, looking at the door.
«No one’s here», said the little one. «He left».
«Why?».
He smiled bitterly. «Perhaps he wanted to give us some privacy».
«He thinks…».
He shrugged. «He sees it that way. He believes I deserve some fun too».
I couldn’t understand. Why did he stop me then? I opened my skirt.
«Stop it!».
He stood in front of me almost naked.
«What’s wrong?».
«You’re not done with your experiment yet?».
I was struck by his rage. «There is no experiment!», I rebutted.
«Of course, there is! You wished to find out what it’s like to have sex with a dwarf. Wasn’t that enough for you?».
«It’s not like that!», I lied. Yet, it started just that way. I wouldn’t have called it an experiment, but in truth that word did it justice.
«Aren’t you tired of making fun of me?».
«I wasn’t making fun of you».
Maybe I was only making fun of myself. At that point, I couldn’t understand my feelings any more.
«You think you’re the first? You think you’re the first one to try this experiment? To see what it’s like to be fucked by a dwarf?».
He was mean, but maybe I deserved that. «There have been other girls?».
«Lots».
He was lying, I was sure of that. He was messing with me. «I don’t believe you».
«You should. You’re not the first, I assure you. My mother was one of them, she was just like you».
It sounded like an insult. «What do you mean?».
«She was normal. A normal woman. But she was curious to know how it felt to fuck one of us. She was drunk, you see. And so was dad. Neither used precautions».
I froze and my heart started pounding like mad. Precautions? What precautions? I never took the pill; my mother would never allow it. She would have been horrified. She still thought I was playing with dolls. The guys always took care of the precautions. Surely though there wasn’t any condom in that sewer. So, we had done it. Without precautions. I could be pregnant. Pregnant of… Bearing a child just like…
«Leave! And don’t come back!», he yelled. Then he added: «Don’t be like her!».
I found the strength to ask him about it: «What did she do?».
He sneered. «She tried, but when she was sure I would have become like him she took me back here. I was two years old, I can’t remember it, but my father told me everything. She couldn’t do it, she wasn’t able to raise someone like me. Now she’s married, she’s got a nice family and normal children».
He didn’t give me time to reply.
«You think I hate her? Well, you’re wrong. I’m glad she did it! I’m happy here! I have a nice life! I’ve got lots of friends! It’s the outside that’s bad, with the likes of you!».
I continued to shake my head.
«Leave, I have to change».
I let my skirt fall to the floor and I was left naked.
«What does this mean? You don’t have enough?».
I shook my head.
«What do you want from me? What do you expect from me?».
I wasn’t expecting anything from him, I just didn’t want this to end like that. I didn’t want to leave, I didn’t want to be without him.
«Are you a pervert?».
If wanting him, wanting his body, wanting him whole, was perversion then yes, I was a pervert and I couldn’t help it. I didn’t care that he was so little: in that moment, in that place, I found him perfect. I was the oversized one, I felt like a monster.
«This is crazy», he repeated, but he was already defeated.
I got closer and kneeled in front of him so I could look him in the eyes. This time I was feeling embarrassed and I was behaving so differently from how I did in that tunnel.
«How it’s done?», I asked him. «How do you do it?».
I wanted him to teach me, to show me what it meant to make love. Not to a dwarf, just to make love. I was certain that with him, here, it would’ve been different.
He lost some of his confidence. «I have to be the one to tell you?».
We found out together. We made love. We truly made love. It was something complete, something total. None of us hid from the other or denied themselves. It was perfect.
Once we finished we did it again, this time slower and more softly. Then, lying close in that tiny bed, we start
ed talking. «Now what?», he asked.
To me there wasn’t any trouble. What was the point of always making plans for the future? Wasn’t it better to be satisfied with living in the present?
«Now what?».
«Nothing’s changed. You’ll still feel ashamed of hanging out with me».
«That’s not true».
«Yes, it’s the truth. They’ll laugh at us».
«No».
«What about your friends? What will they say?».
«They aren’t my friends», I said in my defence. And added: «We’ll stay away from them».
He made a face. «So, is that how you wish to deal with this?».
«How else? You’d rather face them? After what they’ve done to you?».
«I was alone. They won easily because I was alone».
He was blaming me, that was certain. I left him alone, I ran away like a coward.
This time he was clear. «Am I still alone?».
«No», I whispered.
«Am I going too fast? Am I asking for something you can’t give to me?».
«What are you trying to say?».
«Are you my girlfriend?».
Was I the girlfriend of a dwarf? Hanging out with him? Hearing others laugh behind our backs? And then what, getting married? Having kids together, all like him? Becoming Snow White with her dwarfs happily ever after? The possibility of being already pregnant with his child took my breath away. It was a ridiculous, unconceivable future.
«Then why did you do this?», he asked, like he had read my mind.
I looked for an answer, any answer, but I had none. I only knew that it would work. Without realizing it I put myself on the defensive. «You’ll go away. You’re always switching places, traveling the world. It’s your way of life».
He smiled. «Is this what you’re picturing? We just arrived here, we’ll spend all winter here. We probably won’t leave before Easter».
That was a long time, a really long time. «Six months», I whispered.
«Yeah, six months».
That alienating feeling came back to me. A lot of things could happen in six months. It could feel like an eternity with the right person.
«We can try», I whispered.
He raised an eyebrow at me. «You and me, together?».
I nodded.
«Are you sure?».
What was I supposed to tell him? That I loved him? I wasn’t sure about that. I already abused that word so many times before, always with the wrong guys.
«I want to be with you», I replied.
«Together, before everyone? You think you can do it?».
I nodded again.
He smiled. «You’re crazy».
I knew I was the first. Despite his words, I knew there hadn’t be anyone else before me. Maybe I wouldn’t be enough for him. Perhaps what he had for me was a simple crush. Perhaps he would have met lots of better girls. Only time would tell.
I knew I didn’t want to lose him, and that I’d never felt so great in my entire life. I had found something truly important.
He rolled out the bed and started to get dressed.
«What are you doing?».
«It won’t be long before I have to start working. Don’t you want to take a walk before?».
Hanging out? Present ourselves to his friends? Being introduced as his girlfriend? Could I do it?
I got up.
«Sure, let’s take a walk».
It was ordinary to them. To all of them. That a dwarf could have a girlfriend like me. The little man was known and loved by everyone, as he was raised among them, almost like a mascot.
He introduced me to a lot of people, too many, to the point I started forgetting names and faces. He was radiant, like I never saw him before then, I could barely recognize him. Still I never felt like he was putting me on display.
No one was looking at me with mistrust, no one found it odd that we were together. Outside they would have, but this place was an oasis in which we could be free.
I didn’t dare to think about what my mother would have said. Surely Davide would have found it funny at first, but then what? I was aware that it wouldn’t be an easy union, but still I was so proud of being with him, of hanging out with him hand in hand.
«Look, the rollercoaster! Let’s take a ride!».
It was late afternoon and the amusement park was already full of people. Soon he’d have to go back to his father to help him set up the stage. We didn’t have much time left for us.
«Chiara!».
I flinched and we both froze. I slowly turned around.
Tony was there, together with his friends, chewing popcorns. As soon as his friends saw the little man, they burst out laughing. Tony couldn’t hold in a smile either.
«So, what are you guys doing?».
Now all the three of them were laughing with no regard.
I sighed and spoke to Tony. «Fuck you, you piece of shit».
Then I took the little man’s hand and started walking away.
Tony grabbed me by the arm «Wait! What’s the meaning of this?».
Perhaps I didn’t do it only for the little man, maybe it had been forever since I wanted to do it. This I knew for sure: Tony truly had it coming.
I kneed him in the crotch and I watched with pleasure as his face turned green. The popcorns fell all around on the cobbles.
As his friends ran to help him, I left.
We rode the rollercoaster.
It was my first time and I felt thrilled and excited.
The little man held my hand and he didn’t let me go even as we entered the wagon. I had eyes only for him and no one else. The whole amusement park might as well have been empty to me.
Right before the wagon started to move, I kissed him, and then he pulled me close to protect me, as I was a bit scared.
We went up, and up, and up, until we reached the highest point. Below us was the steepest fall. I screamed and held onto him, almost squeezing him.
That was our life. The life that was waiting for us: a never-ending rollercoaster, where there wouldn’t be one moment of peace, but where every emotion would be heightened to infinity. An exciting, dangerous, intoxicating life.
Was this possible? We had not certainty that we could both manage to stay on board but we would try. It was worth it. I was sure of it.
Because this time I felt I wasn’t alone: I could pull him close to me, hug him, and he would have protected me.
Because he was my boyfriend.
My little boyfriend.
August 2010
UNSINKABLE
Translation by Chiara Perfetti
I fell in love with Lady Stuart at first sight.
To tell the truth I didn’t even know what love was like. I was only sixteen years old and I had spent the last two of them at sea on that galleon, so it wasn’t like I had seen many women till then. Anyhow, it happened, and my feelings were only confirmed in the following days. I was in love with her, I would always be.
Lady Stuart was young, much younger than her husband, but nonetheless a woman compared to me. On top of that, she was a Lady and I was only a cabin boy, the bottom level of the ship’s hierarchy. I didn’t stand a chance at all.
What Lady Stuart was doing on that ship was a mystery. Incidentally, she was alone, her husband wasn’t escorting her. He didn’t even come to witness the boarding.
That day, I was on the deck, dazzled by her beauty. I would have never expected that our ship owner, Lord Stuart, could have such a perfect wife. She came out of a shiny white carriage, which was driven by eight white horses. Her dress was a feast of laces and doilies and skirts and petticoats, totally inadequate to the shipboard life. Her skirts were so wide that it was necessary to broaden the gangplank to let her get aboard.
Her calm, placid gaze indicated a confidence and a strength that I’d never seen in any other before. Her poise was regal. She never lowered her gaze, not even for an instant, not for any reason. She k
new who she was and was aware of her power.
After all, she had every reason to. Her husband, the Earl, was first cousin of the King and third in line to the throne, and she was the most popular lady at court. All of this made her presence on the ship even more mysterious.
The second thing I noticed about her – after her beauty – was that she was by herself. I’m not talking about his husband, whose absence I mentioned already, what I mean is that there was no one escorting her, not even a lady’s maid. On the other hand, she did have eight extremely heavy chests, all filled with clothing.
Looking at her, I wondered who would have helped her wear such elaborate dresses.
Her waist was non-existent, her bosom spilling over her dress, her skirts so ample that the closer you could get was only within three feet from her. From her white wig, a cascade of curls lightly touched her naked shoulders. Her eyes were blue like a calm sea. I saw them clearly, but she didn’t notice me.
The captain showered her with bows, and for good reason. His future depended on that woman. It was the talk of the ship and everybody had something to say about it. That it was her in charge of the family, that Lord Stuart was like a puppet in her hands. Knowing the Earl, it was easy to guess why.
I didn’t hear her speak. Lady Stuart dominated everyone with a simple wave of her hand. Besides, she only lingered on the deck for a few moments and was soon escorted to her cabin.
That day, I did everything in my power to be assigned to the deck, so that if she showed up I would have been near enough to see her. I made it and kept doing that day after day, until the tragedy struck.
It became clear what that woman was up to. The ship had just sailed when the bosun gathered us. He informed us that Lady Stuart expressed her wish for a valet. Then without delay, he appointed Mike to that task.
Of course, Mike was the best suited amongst us for that job, since he had been first steward for almost two years and served as a valet to the captain and to every personality who sailed with us. However, in that situation, I found it a little bit tacky. I was astonished that no one made comments about it.
I tried to lock eyes with Mike. We used to be friends, true friends. If he wanted to, he could’ve helped me get that task by putting in a good word with the Captain. I know, it would have been absurd. Why would a cabin boy get promoted to a valet? Valet to Lady Stuart, no less. But I was very young and naïve. I still believed that dreams could come true.
Lizzi Bizzi and the Red Witch Page 55