“Can anyone make up for those years, Ross?” She shook her head in answer to her own question.
He couldn’t blame her, but he wished he understood more fully. “You’ve been single a long time now, Kelsey. You’re a kind, loving person, and it doesn’t suit you to carry the anger so long.” From her expression, he’d struck a nerve.
“Maybe I’m angry at myself for not wanting to face the affair. I always explained it away.”
Emotions caught Ross off guard. The tender feeling filled him. “How long did it go on before you found out?”
“A year or more.”
He shook his head, startled at how long she’d been deceived, but it showed how trusting Kelsey had been. That’s what a marriage should be.
“Doug traveled for his job, and now that I look back, I have no idea when he was really on a business trip or somewhere with Karen. Sometimes when he was going out of town, I’d try to make plans with her. You know, a girls’ night out. Once in a while, we’d go to a movie or out to dinner, but more and more she had excuses. She had an out-of-town wedding or a sick aunt or something. It was easy to think coincidence.”
“I suppose you can be grateful they went out of town. No gossip that way.”
Her face twisted with emotion. “He wasn’t that bright. Once in a while someone would mention seeing him with Karen. When I asked, he’d make a joke about how good it was that I was trusting.” She dragged in a breath. “I tossed it off, and then I’d ask. He’d make up some excuse. They happened to be in the same restaurant and decided to sit together.”
“It happens.” No matter what he said, it sounded trivial. “A husband and wife should be trusting. If they’re not, the marriage isn’t healthy. Yours was.”
“One-sided.” He watched a kaleidoscope of emotion sweep over her eyes.
“Ross, I know you’re right. Why can’t I let it go? I could have at least walked inside and showed some compassion. The Bible says to love our enemies. I’ve failed.”
“But you’re sorry for it, and God forgives you.”
She lifted her gaze to his. “Then why can’t I forgive?”
Forgiveness always seemed like such an ordeal. He’d blamed God for Ruthie’s death and Peyton’s struggle with the same disease, and yet he’d faced the reality that God allowed things to happen for reasons that he would never know. He trusted the Lord, and that’s what she needed to do. “You’ll never forget what they did, Kelsey.” He slipped his arm around her back. “But you can forgive.”
She scanned the surroundings in silence until she finally turned to face him. “I’ll work on it, Ross. That’s all I can promise.”
He drew her closer to his side. “That’s all I want to hear.” He glanced at his watch, surprised at the time. “We’d better head for lunch, or Lucy will call and we won’t have eaten.” He rose and took her hand. But from her expression, lunch was the last thing on her mind.
Kelsey stood back from the door as Lucy came out carrying a large grocery bag. Trying to be subtle, she glanced inside only to catch a glimpse of something in a shade of pastel turquoise. Gifts. Her stomach knotted. She slipped her arm around Lucy’s shoulders, feeling protective, but her ire had subsided when she looked at Karen’s haggard face. It looked different than it had when she’d dropped Lucy there earlier. “I’ll pray for you, Karen.”
Karen’s head bolted upward, anxiety written on her face. “Thanks, but…” As her words dragged to a halt, gratefulness filled her face. “It’s nice to hear you say that.”
She’d surprised herself, but she would pray. Death and divorce were similar but different. Which was worse? No answer came, but the finality of death was a permanent emptiness.
Karen leaned down and hugged Lucy. “Your visit meant a lot to us, sweetie. I know your dad is grateful that your mom brought you for a visit.” She lifted her head and faced Kelsey. “Hospice has been a great help. At least, he can be home.”
Hospice. The word dug into her heart. “You think it will be…” She couldn’t say anything in front of Lucy. She gazed at Karen, wondering if she and Doug had told her the truth.
“Yes. He’s opted out of chemo or radiation. Quality of life is more important now.”
Karen’s bravery wriggled into Kelsey’s chest and filled the gash. “Quality of life is best.”
She nodded.
They faced each other a few moments, nothing spoken, but so much said.
Lucy tugged her arm, and she stepped back. “We’ll be going, Karen. I know you’ll keep us posted.”
“I will.” She gave a nod, along with a lingering look at Lucy. “We love you.”
“Love you, too,” she said, then turned and started down the porch steps.
Kelsey’s knees felt weak as she trudged back to the minivan. Once inside she caught her breath. Ross gave a brief turn of his head, but didn’t ask and she was relieved. She looked over the seat at Lucy. “What’s in the bag?”
“Presents.”
“Looks like a lot of presents.”
She nodded, but without a smile.
“Dad said he was sorry he missed Christmas last year, and he gave me birthday presents for this year.” She dug into the sack and then looked up. “Want to see?”
Kelsey nodded, and as Lucy pulled out the items, Ross rolled onto the highway. She’d forgotten that Doug hadn’t sent gifts for Christmas. It was so like him to forget special occasions that she’d given up expecting anything. Now he wanted to be a father.
She stifled her resentment. If she were dying, Kelsey suspected she would do the same thing, try to resolve mistakes, lavish love on those important in her life and make amends for the hurts she’d caused. Ross’s words filled her mind. She’d never forget, but she could forgive. Her emotions vacillated between compassion and animosity.
Lucy delved into the bag and pulled out a turquoise outfit, a print skirt and a top to match—even the right size. “And he gave me Chinese checkers.” She grinned. “It’s so much fun. Daddy played it with me. Have you played it, Mom?”
“A long time ago.” Clothes, games. Kelsey wondered if she’d finally come to the end.
“And puzzles.” She brought out two jigsaw puzzles.
She almost rolled her eyes. Doug knew she loved them, even as a toddler. He’d certainly worked to impress his daughter.
“And there’s more.” Lucy dug into the grocery sack again, tugging out another blouse, this one with coral trim, and then she lifted out a picture frame.
Kelsey swallowed the rising emotion as Lucy put it in her hand. Tears slipped into her eyes, and she looked away before Lucy saw them.
Brushing her hands across the dampness, she looked down at the photograph of Lucy and Doug, cheeks together, smiling. It appeared to be an older photograph—maybe two years earlier—when Lucy had visited him. Though the picture rent her heart, a familiar stab of resentment pierced her. Sarcasm clung to her tongue until she was able to consume it and respond. “It’s a nice photograph, Lucy.” She lowered the frame into Lucy’s hands.
“Daddy said to put it on my nightstand.”
Her father’s suggestion grated her, but she turned her thoughts around, trying to hear Ross’s voice. Forgiveness. Lord, I’m such a sinner. Calm waved past her like a breeze. “That way you’ll see your father every morning when you wake up.”
Lucy nodded, a troubled look growing on her face. “Mom.”
Kelsey gazed at her. “They’re nice gifts. I like them.”
She slipped the photograph back into the paper bag. “Can I ask you a question?”
The sound of her voice aroused her concern. She didn’t want to answer a question, but seeing Lucy’s face, she had to. “Okay.”
“Why didn’t you go inside and see Daddy?”
Her heart skipped a beat. “I wanted you and your father to have this special time together.”
“But he talked about you.”
Her pulse heightened. “What do you mean?” Weight fell on her shoulders.
“That was fine. You should always be honest.”
“Oh, and I forgot. He gave me something to give you.”
She delved back into the bottom of the sack and pulled out an envelope. “Maybe it’s a letter.” Lucy handed it to her. “Read it.”
It was the last thing she wanted to do, but how could she explain that to her eager daughter? She pulled open the tab and drew out the note. When she unfolded it, a check had been tucked inside. She gazed at the amount and cringed as she scanned the message. Her chest compressed against her lungs, and she fought for breath.
“It’s long, Lucy. I’ll read it later. Okay?”
Lucy shrugged.
Doug’s guilt for his neglect seemed obvious by the size of the check. But money wasn’t the issue now, although it had been. Giving love and attention to Lucy was vital. Yet if he had shown her all of that, Kelsey would have felt she and Doug were competing for Lucy’s attention.
“You should have talked with him.”
Lucy’s admonition startled her, and her heart softened. “Would that make you happy?”
She nodded. “He’s sick, and I don’t understand. He’s sad, but he tried to look happy.”
“Lucy, he was happy to see you, but it’s difficult when an adult is sick. It means he can’t work, and he can’t do the things he wants to do.”
Her eyes searched Kelsey’s. “Will he get better?” She tilted her head, determination growing on her face.
Tension twisted through her, and Kelsey rumpled the envelope in her hand. Lucy wanted the truth. “I don’t know. He’s very sick and the doctors don’t have much they can do.”
Her face pinched with thought. “But he’ll go to heaven.” She tilted her head again. “Right?”
Panic set in, and Kelsey eyed Ross. He glanced her way, letting her know she had to make the decision on how to answer. The word forgiveness struck her again. God forgives sin when the person atones. She had no idea if Doug was sorry for what he did, but she looked at Lucy’s distressed face and the answer came.
“Your dad loves you, Lucy, and when we were married, he loved Jesus. We know that when we believe in Jesus as God’s Son and love him—”
“We’ll go to heaven.” Relief filled her face.
Kelsey wanted to reach across the seat and draw Lucy into her arms. “That’s right. It’s God’s promise.”
“Good.” Lucy’s shoulders relaxed, and she gazed at the bag beside her. “But I hope he doesn’t die.”
“So do I.”
And she did, for Lucy’s sake. Kelsey longed to curl up in bed and weep. Instead she closed her eyes and prayed.
Chapter Ten
Kelsey eyed the caller ID and grabbed the headset. “Audrey, what a surprise.” She held her breath, fearing another problem.
“I know it’s been a while.” A hint of guilt edged into her sister’s voice. “How’s Lucy?”
“Pretty good. She’s been tumor-free for over a year. That’s a great victory for us.” Audrey called so rarely, concern settled in her mind. “How are the kids? Mom and Dad? Everyone okay?”
“We’re all well. Mom and Dad are busy, as always.”
“Wonderful.” Kelsey gripped the phone, the obvious question nudging her. “So what’s up?”
“Jeff has business in Detroit near the end of May, and I thought I’d come with him so we could visit.”
She knew she should be happy, but Kelsey had so much going on in her life—work, Lucy and now Ross. Common sense prodded her. “That would be great. Lucy and I would love to see you.”
“Great.” Her voice came to a dead stop.
Kelsey looked for a reason. Then it struck her. “Would you and Dave like to stay here? I have the extra room.”
“That would be wonderful…if you don’t mind.”
Mind. She drew up her shoulders, knowing what she had to say. “It’ll be more convenient for everyone, don’t you think?” She’d walked around her question without lying.
“It would. Thanks. Isn’t Lucy’s birthday around that time?”
Kelsey cringed. “It’s May 20.”
“We should be there then, so we’ll do something special to celebrate. Would Lucy like that?”
“Lucy would, I’m sure.” Her own plans ricocheted. She’d wanted to do something with Ross and Peyton.
“I’ll call you with a firm date, and thanks again. I’m looking forward to seeing you both.”
“That sounds fine, Audrey. We can make better plans when you call.”
The conversation died away, and when she hung up, she sank into a chair. Ross had been tied up with Peyton and his work, and they’d only been talking on the phone recently, except for one day when he dropped by for a minute. Peyton’s doctor’s visits and consultations had cut into their time to the point that their relationship, which had been blossoming into something deeper, seemed to be shriveling like a plant for lack of water and sunshine.
The almost-kiss crept into her mind so often. His lips had brushed hers before jerking away with the porch light’s glare, and though she still had no certainty where their friendship would go, hope lingered in her mind. They were compatible. They had fun and laughed sometimes when they weren’t concerned about the girls. Ross’s gentle nature, his caring heart, had touched her far beyond her dreams. She’d expected to spend her life alone, fearing another romantic encounter that led to deceit, but when Ross appeared in her life—at a wedding no less—her old expectation slipped further back in her mind.
She lowered her head as Doug filtered into her thoughts. Since she’d read his letter, flashes of their marriage came to mind on occasion, a few special moments surprising her. Doug’s joy when Lucy was born. Their first home. A trip to London. She would never love him again. That was impossible, but he wasn’t the monster she’d created in her mind. He’d sinned and had broken his oath to God and to her. But who was she to weigh one sin over another? If the Lord could forgive Doug, why couldn’t she?
She rose, pulled a mug from the cabinet and turned on the burner to heat water for tea. While waiting, she wandered into the living room and pulled open the small antique secretary desk she rarely used. She drew out the letter and held it in her hand, her throat knotting with the memory of Doug’s words. Sinking into a chair, Kelsey unfolded the paper again.
Dear Kelsey,
What can I say to you that will make up for what I’ve done? I betrayed you and hurt you, and I’m ashamed. You need to understand that I love Karen, and I have been faithful to her, but I owed you the same. My cheating had nothing to do with you. You always were a wonderful wife and a tremendous mother. I allowed temptation to win out over good sense. Karen has never forgiven herself, either, and we both wished we’d met years earlier so that the harm we caused would never have happened.
But just as important, I’ve let my guilt turn me into a rotten father who shied away from his precious little daughter, who needed his support. You’ve handled her illness with bravery and strength, which I admire more than I can say. I know forgetting what I did is impossible, but I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive my unfaithfulness. I pray the Lord has. He’s heard my pleas.
Tears filled Kelsey’s eyes and dripped onto the paper.
I hope you will accept the check in the spirit in which I wrote it. I want to do something for Lucy and I don’t know how to make up for my lack of presence in her life. Money won’t cover that, but maybe you can find something she’d like, something special that would make her remember me with love.
A sob rent Kelsey’s throat. She dropped the letter into her lap and covered her face with her hands, allowing the hot tears to burn away her hatred.
When the kettle whistled, she wiped the tears from her eyes and returned the letter to the small desk. One day she would toss it away, but not now. The kett
le persisted, and she returned to the kitchen. When her tea was ready, she wandered back to the living room, settled into the chair and rested her head against the cushion, thinking of Lucy’s recent visit with Doug.
The evening they’d arrived home from Grand Rapids after Ross left, she read the note and then shared what she could with Lucy. Doug’s words left her flailing with emotions that lashed one way and then another, but in time, she’d calmed and tried to make sense of it all.
Despite Doug’s exit from her life, she’d been blessed. Her good job, her friends and Lucy’s improved health reminded her that life was still good. And now Ross.
She lifted the mug and took a sip. It washed down her throat, warming her, yet an icy thought prevailed. Doug’s letter made his death so real that she trembled.
Things happened without warning. Accidents, death, even falling in love. She took another sip of tea to soothe her emptiness. She missed Ross. Peyton’s illness often came between them, and she understood, but it didn’t alleviate the lonely feeling. And sometimes she wondered if Lexie was right when she said two people with sick children shouldn’t fall in love.
But that’s what she’d been doing.
Ross’s concern rose as he eyed Dr. Timmons’s face, his lips pressed together with a faint frown on his face. He shifted in his chair and studied Peyton’s file.
Trying to contain himself, Ross clasped his hands in his lap, using the pressure to steady them.
“I don’t want you to get excited.” Dr. Timmons looked over the top of his glasses, his gaze shifting from Peyton to Ross.
“What is it?” Panic surged in Ross’s voice.
“Nothing’s wrong.” Timmons rose and slipped two x-rays into the lighted slots. “This was Peyton’s X-ray from six months ago.” He pointed to the electrocardiogram. “You can see the size of her heart here. Now look at this x-ray.”
A Family of Their Own Page 11