by ANDREA SMITH
"Yeah 'Little Bit,' not to worry."
He reached over to his nightstand drawer expertly opening it and removed a condom. I kept my eyes squeezed shut. I wasn't ready to see another man's penis apart from Trey's. I needed to do this if only because I didn't know another man's touch aside from Trey's. I needed a point of reference. Perhaps it would tell me what I needed to know about myself.
I heard Danny ripping open the foil packet. I knew that he was removing the condom; I knew approximately how long it would take to roll it onto his manhood and poise himself above me before he guided it into my sex.
Now was the time to stop him if I was going to. I was frantic to do the right thing. I realized that the right thing was to let this play out. Right or wrong, I needed to know another man's touch. I needed to know if what Trey and I had, or what I perceived Trey and I as having was something over and beyond a simple physical attraction.
I continued to squeeze my eyes shut; I was tensed up.
"Hey baby," he said to me, "It's all good. I want to make love to you alright?"
"No - fuck me Danny," I rasped, "Fuck me now."
I felt him guide his manhood into me gently.
"Oh baby, you are tight. God you are so sweet," he whispered to me. "You feel so good."
He started moving inside of me slowly and methodically. His hips gyrated in a circular motion, slow and steady. My body started warming to his touch. This did feel good. This was another man inside of my body and it did feel good.
I started moving in rhythm with him. My hips gyrated with his in perfect rhythm. His lips were on mine, kissing me with urgency. I heard him moan with pleasure as his thrusting increased.
I suddenly realized that I was not feeling that same pleasure; he wasn't hitting my sweet spot. I knew that I didn't want him to anyway. It was meant for another. This didn't feel right at all. I couldn't stand the thought of another man being inside of me.
(Oh God! How fucked up is this??)
I pushed against his chest with my fists.
"Stop," I cried out. "I can't do this!"
"What?"
He had stopped his movements inside of me. He was staring down at me in total confusion. He pulled out of me and sat back on his haunches. I could hear his heavy breathing. I squeezed my eyes shut not wanting to make eye contact with him.
"What the hell Tylar?"
"I'm sorry! I am so sorry Danny. I just can’t do this!"
I pulled myself up, quickly putting my clothes back on. I gathered my jacket and purse and ran from his apartment. I nearly stumbled down the whole flight of stairs in the stables as I raced to get the hell out of there.
I quickly made my way back up to the house fishing around in my purse for the key. I let myself in quietly through the back door. The house alarm wasn't set probably because my father was never sure if I would remember the code.
I removed my boots carrying them so as not to make a lot of noise as I tip-toed across the tiled and hardwood floors. I climbed the carpeted steps to the second floor and rounded the corner of the hallway to my room. I quietly opened the door and shut it softly behind me, leaning against it.
The room was lit by the lamp on my bedside table. I saw movement from the corner of my room and jumped as I heard his voice.
"Did you have a nice evening, Tylar?"
CHAPTER 8
I was startled by Trey's voice in my bedroom. He immediately saw my disheveled state. I could only imagine how bad I looked. He was on his feet in a moment and at my side. I saw him looking at me as if he was taking inventory of a prized possession. It didn't take him long to figure out what I had been about.
"Baby, what have you done?" he asked his voice cracking in disbelief.
I saw the flash of pain cross over his face. It was evident in his voice. That was all that it took to push me over the edge. I dissolved into tears immediately, dropping to the floor in a sitting position where I quickly buried my face into my hands. Trey was like an ice statue staring at me. He didn't move for what seemed like an eternity. He finally picked me up and took me into the bathroom.
Somewhere in the distance I heard the sound of the bathtub being filled up. I stood silently while Trey peeled my clothes off and tossed them into the dirty clothes basket. He lifted me with his strong arms and gently placed me into the warm tub of water. He got my liquid bath soap and sponge and washed my body gently and thoroughly.
He shampooed my hair and rinsed it. He lifted me from the tub and dried me with a clean, soft towel. He rubbed moisturizer into my skin. He pulled clean panties up onto me and pulled a nightgown on over my head. He took me by the hand and led me back to my bed. He pulled the covers back as I climbed in and curled up on my side. He tucked me in, kissed me gently on the forehead and turned the light off next to my bed. He left me in a shroud of darkness where I wept until I finally fell into an exhausted sleep.
I awoke the next morning seeing by my nightstand clock that it was almost 11:30 a.m. I couldn't believe that I had slept that long undisturbed.
I immediately jumped from my bed and opened the door to the adjoining nursery. I was in a panic. I knew that Trey knew what had happened last night. Though he didn't know who was involved, he certainly knew that I had been unfaithful to him. What if he had taken Preston from me forever? She wasn't in her crib or her room. I quickly returned to my room to put my robe on and go downstairs.
I flew down the staircase. As I reached the bottom I could hear my dad talking to her from his study.
"No, no sweetheart," he said gently, "You can't touch those. They could break and hurt you, Preston."
I went through the door to his study. She was standing along one of his bookshelves and had reached up grabbing one of his expensive Hummel's.
"No Preston," I said a bit more sternly than I had intended. She turned seeing me. Her face brightened up as she clutched the figurine and came bouncing over to me. I reached down picking her up and managed to get it away from her placing it back on the shelf.
Her little face contorted unhappily. She started crying; she twisted in my arms trying to turn from me so that she could reach back down and grab the figurine. I stepped further from the bookcase which only made her more determined to get down from me.
"Stop," I said crossly, "You aren't supposed to touch that Preston. You were told 'no."
She buried her face into my shoulder sobbing now. It seemed that my daughter and I were not getting off to a good start this morning.
"Good mornin, Tylar," my father said. "Preston and I were working it out you know?"
I looked at him quizzically.
"You see, the point is for the child to understand what they can and cannot have. The decision to put the figurine back on the shelf and know not to touch it again needed to come from her."
"She very well might have broken it first, Dad."
"I understand that," he replied with a slight smile, "But it might have been worth it for a lesson well learned right?"
(Okay - clearly he had a message in there for me. What had Trey told him? Speaking of which . . .)
"Where's Trey? I need to talk to him."
"He's gone," my father said with a shrug. "He returned to Atlanta early it seems."
My father rose from his chair and took the still sobbing Preston from me talking soothingly to her and explaining why she shouldn't touch things that were breakable.
I looked at my father's face. He had the 'stoic judge' look going. He was unreadable. Yet somehow I knew that he knew. Trey wouldn't have told him. My father simply read people and their actions. That was his gift. That is probably what made him a phenomenal judge.
"How long ago did he leave?" I asked in a semi-panicky tone.
My father looked at his watch.
"His plane took off about ten minutes ago if it's on schedule. I'm sure you can call him later when he's home. Why the rush to talk to him all of a sudden? You barely acknowledged him while he was here."
I felt the sting of my fat
her's words. Though they were gently stated they cut like a knife. I deserved the pain that I was feeling. My father was giving me an 'emotional spanking.' It was what I deserved.
"He's my husband, Dad. There are things we need to discuss; apologies that need to be made."
"There will be plenty of time for that darling daughter. Why don't you get dressed? I'll tend to Preston until then."
I returned to my suite selecting jeans and a sweater for the day. I picked my Blackberry up from the nightstand. A text message from Trey had come in earlier:
'I felt it best I return to Atlanta. You and I need to discuss whether our marriage is salvageable. It is your move. I won't be calling you.'
My heart lurched when I read the text. What had I done? I hated myself with every inch of my being. I was disgusted with my behavior.
I flung myself back onto my bed. I pressed Gina's name in my directory. I thanked God when she picked up.
Between my hysterical sobbing I managed to get the story out to her. I waited for the verbal lashing I would get from her. I wanted it. I needed everyone I loved to punish me for what I had done.
"Tylar," she said solemnly, "Please stop beating yourself up. What's done is done. You can't change that anymore than Trey can change what he has done. You need to decide if you both can put it behind you and go on."
"But Gina," I wailed, "What I did was so much worse than what Trey did."
"You know Ty; I'm not sure in situations such as this that someone's actions can be measured as far as who deserves more blame. I suppose if you insisted on measuring it out in portions than you would have to consider a couple of things in the mix. Let me ask you a few questions and you must answer them honestly, okay?"
"Okay," I said still sobbing.
"Did you set out to purposely seek revenge against Trey for what he had done?"
"No," I answered honestly.
"If Trey had not done what he did; would you have had occasion to be separated from him and living with your father?"
"No," I replied.
"When you and Trey decided to have this informal separation did you agree to abide by rules pertaining to socializing with other people of the opposite sex?"
"No," I answered truthfully.
"Do you have feelings for Danny?"
"Only as a friend; he was someone I confided in occasionally."
"Okay," she said pausing as if she was mentally tallying up my score. "Here is how I see it. You and Trey are about even in the blame column. He did it first with someone that he was apparently drawn to while you were still living under the same roof. As a result of his action - which you personally witnessed because it was done in your own home - you needed to be away from him for a period of time to allow yourself to reflect."
I was nodding silently as Gina summarized her findings.
"Your friendship with Danny spawned because of your separation from Trey which would have never happened had Trey not made out with the bitch. Add to this the fact that what you witnessed likely made you feel insecure about yourself as far as your looks, your desirability, even your intelligence when you compared yourself to Amber. The situation created a vulnerability in you that essentially made you ripe for the picking as they say. In my book you both share the same amount of guilt. Period."
"Thanks Gina. I guess it comes down to what Trey's book reflects."
"How so? Did you not hear a thing that I said? The worst possible thing you can do is give him the edge."
"Gina - I'm not trying to play a game of wits with him. I am sincerely appalled at my behavior and want him to forgive me."
"And that is fine girlfriend, but first you have to forgive him don't you? It seems to me as if that piece of it has been eliminated from the mix. What you did last night did not wipe that out. If you approach him like you are the only one that needs forgiveness then you are setting yourself up for a life of constantly feeling the need to make up for what you have done. That won't work."
I thought about what Gina was saying. She was right. We both needed to come clean with each other and come to an understanding of how we could move forward; or if we could move forward. My actions last night may have muddied the waters some but it was apparent that the waters hadn't been crystal clear to begin with for awhile.
"Gina, I love you. Thank you so much for helping me put this into perspective."
"I love you too, Tylar. I just want you back here. I miss my BFF."
"I miss you, too. Please kiss Reese for me? I will let you know what happens."
We said our good-byes. I did feel better. I finished getting ready. I brushed my teeth and hair. I decided I was going to change my hair color back the first appointment I could get.
I went back downstairs once dressed and found Preston in the kitchen in her high chair. Edie was feeding her lunch.
"Hey Tylar," she greeted me. "Do you want something to eat?"
I grabbed an apple from the fridge and started munching on it. It tasted so good.
"I'm good with this, thanks. Where's Dad?"
"Oh," she replied a bit uncomfortably, "He sent me to fetch Danny earlier. I think they are in your father's study."
(Holy shit! I hoped to God this was about one of the horses and not me.)
I crept back out through the dining room and into the entry hall. I removed my boots so as not to make noise on the wooden floor that led to the study. The door to the study was shut but I could hear my father's voice.
"Here you go Mr. Duvall; you are paid through the end of the month. Please have your personal items cleared out by the end of the day."
I heard Danny's voice next.
"Judge Tylar, I don't understand all of this. Are you not pleased with my performance?"
"Mr. Duvall, I had the opportunity this morning of trying to teach my 17-month old granddaughter about touching things that are fragile and easily broken. Unfortunately the lesson was interrupted before I could establish my point with her."
"I'm not following you Judge."
"You're not an infant Mr. Duvall. You should already understand the risks of touching something fragile and breakable. I can and did establish my point with you just now when I terminated your employment."
(Holy shit! How had my father known any of this?)
"Oh - I get it," Danny scoffed with an angry edge to his voice. "This is about your precious daughter isn't it? What'd she do Judge? Run to you with some crazy tale about me date-raping her or something? Let me clue you in 'Your Honor,' she was outside my door waiting for me last night. She wanted it!"
(That bastard! He was going to throw me under the freaking bus with my own father.)
"Mr. Duvall, I'm not interested in hearing the particulars. My daughter didn't say a word to me about you or anyone else. That doesn't mean that I can't read her though. You are trouble for her. I want you out of my home and off of my property."
"Whatever you say Judge Tylar," he sneered.
I could hear his boots walking across the hardwood floor toward the door. I scooted back away from the hallway into the living room where he couldn't see me.
The door opened abruptly but Danny hadn’t left the study just yet.
"Just know this Judge Tylar. Your fragile little daughter doesn't need you watching her every move. Perhaps your over-protectiveness is what has turned her into a little slut!"
(Oh sweet Jesus! I can't believe he said that to my father!)
"You're dismissed Mr. Duvall. Please take your leave immediately," my father's voice boomed in his authoritative tone.
I heard the sound of Danny's footsteps retreating down the hall toward the back entrance. My father's footsteps were right behind his ensuring he left the premises. I scrambled from where I had been listening near the doorway to the hall and fled upstairs to my suite.
I slammed my door behind me and threw myself on the bed. My body was racked with uncontrollable sobs as I unleashed the flood of tears. I was ashamed and humiliated. My father had to be so ashamed of me.
How could I have disappointed him of all people?
There was a soft knocking at my door. It was probably Edie bringing Preston up to me.
"Come in," I said, sitting up trying to wipe the tears off of my cheeks so as not to upset the baby.
It was my father that came through the door.
"May I talk with you Tylar?"
I nodded 'yes' still trying to compose myself. He closed my door softly behind him and came to sit on my bed next to me.
"Dad," I started, "I need to apologize for -"
He held his hand up motioning me to stop talking.
"There will be time for apologies later Tylar, hear me out first please."
I nodded looking up at him as he took a moment to select his words.
"I know that I wasn't able to be a father to you during your formative years. If I had known you existed I would have remedied that situation immediately I promise you. But I am your father now and it pains me to see you on some self-destructive path. Please tell me how I can help you aside from providing a safe haven for your escape?"
He stopped waiting for my answer.
"Is that what you think I am doing, Dad?"
"Isn't it?"
"I came here to relax and reflect; to sort things out and put things into perspective," I answered.
"That all sounds well and good Tylar, but tell me specifically how that is supposed to take place? What actions do you need to take in order to bring about resolution to the issues that brought you here?"
"I guess I just felt like resting and being around you and Preston would be therapeutic for me."
"I see," he replied rubbing his forehead as if he was getting a headache. "The fact that you have spent very little time with me in the evenings; and even less time with Preston since Trey delivered her here doesn't seem conducive to recovery."
"I know Dad," I admitted sheepishly, "I've been on a roll I guess haven't I? I suppose I was trying to recapture my teen years. The funny thing is I never acted like a teenager even when I was one. Do you think I'm having a nervous breakdown or something?"
"Sweetheart I think that you are going through something that is out of character. I think it would benefit you to get some counseling and perhaps visit a doctor to check to see if you need medication."