Barbarian 2

by Kim Fox

  After a few minutes, he puts me down in front of a proper cave, one that I can walk into rather than crawl through a tiny hole.

  “Don’t ever carry me again,” I say as I sit down on a rock with a grimace. Fuck, my leg hurts. “I can walk. I’m not one of those prissy girls who need to be taken care of and pampered. Okay?”

  He just grunts something in a happy tone as he rummages around outside of the cave, collecting sticks and thick branches that he breaks off the trees. My stomach growls as I glance down at the thick slab of raw meat on the rock beside me.

  “I wonder what velociraptor tastes like.” I laugh. I guess I’m about to find out. How badass is that? Even the UFC champ, Heather Evans, hasn’t hunted and eaten a dinosaur.

  Before long he’s got a fire going inside the cave and he’s roasting the dinosaur leg, which smells amazing.

  “I’m so hungry right now,” I whisper as he cuts off a piece of the cooked leg and hands it to me. God, that’s good! I practically swallow it whole and before I can lick my fingers clean, he’s handing me another juicy piece.

  “I am the predator,” I say as I stuff the meat into my watering mouth. “I am the killer.”

  But I know who the real killer is. He’s sitting right beside me. I would have been eaten by the velociraptor instead of the other way around if he hadn’t come by.

  “I’m sorry about your hand,” I whisper. “I can be a real bitch sometimes.”

  He just smiles at me as he cuts off another piece of our dinner. He’s triple my size but he’s letting me eat first. Either he’s a real gentleman or he’s just trying to fatten me up before he throws me over the fire to cook me next.

  I take the bite, letting my fingers slide over his. He feels so masculine. His forearms are as thick as my biceps. I’d love to see this guy hit a punching bag.

  “What’s your name?” I ask, watching him as I eat.

  He doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Shocking, I know.

  “Rolanda,” I say, tapping my chest with my hand.

  His eyes widen as he stares at me. “Rolanda,” he says, perfectly. A little too perfect.

  I raise my eyebrow at him as I watch him curiously. “What’s your name?”

  I tap my chest again when he doesn’t get it. “Rolanda,” I say. I point at him and raise my eyebrows.

  “Cookie Monster,” he says, tapping his chest with his strong hand.

  My head jerks back as my jaw drops open. I just stare at him, breathless with a racing heartbeat. No way.

  “Rolanda,” he says, pointing at me. “Cookie Monster,” he repeats, touching his own chest.

  Cookie Monster. I mouth the words but nothing comes out.

  My thoughts are fuzzy. I can’t seem to think straight. His name is Cookie Monster? How can that be?

  “Cookie Monster?” I ask, eying him suspiciously.

  His face breaks out into a smile and he nods enthusiastically. “Cookie Monster.”

  My skin is tingling. I can’t believe this. “Where did you get that name?”

  He slices off another piece of meat and offers it to me. “Where did you get that name?” I repeat, ignoring his offering.

  It must mean something. Maybe there are humans on this planet with access to Sesame Street, although that doesn’t seem likely. Or maybe Mandy or Avery made it out alive.

  This does seem to have Avery written all over it. It just seems like something that crazy girl had a hand in.

  But why would that be his name? None of it is making any sense.

  “Are there other people like me on this planet?” I ask, trying to mime my words. I’ve never been very good at Charades and I just look like a monkey having a seizure.

  He just stares at me. Mostly at my tits.

  “Do you know Mandy?” I ask, taking a shot in the dark. “Or Avery?”

  “Avery!” he says, straightening his back and nodding. “Avery. Saku.”

  “You know Avery?” I ask, my belly fluttering.

  He nods. “Avery.”

  “Please. Please. Please. Take me to her.”

  He nods. “Avery.”

  I smile as he hands me another piece of meat. Adrenaline is tingling through my body.

  My friend is alive.

  Hopefully.

  four

  This beautiful pink Sandroka knows the Saku, Avery. They must have descended from the heavens together.

  “Krakalore,” Cookie Monster gasps. What if she has the kaleem as well? Turic’s Avery had the marking of the kaleem on her back, which meant that she was the one. The Saku. The one to kill the beasts of Zandipor.

  But what if there is more than one Saku?

  What if Rolanda is a Saku as well? The swift Cookie Monster leaps to his feet and pulls up the beautiful Rolanda’s strange animal skins to see.

  “Fuck off!” she sings, pushing Cookie Monster away with both hands. “I appreciate the food. But touch my clothes again and I’ll knock you the fuck out.”

  The gorgeous pink Sandroka has her hands in the air, squeezed together like a warrior before battle. But she is a Sandroka, not a warrior. It must be part of the mating ritual.

  The powerful Cookie Monster lunges forward, this time moving around her hands as she swings them out. He bends her over and pulls up her shirt as she hollers. Nothing but soft pink skin.

  She is not the Saku. Only Avery is.

  But she is still a Sandroka and can warm Cookie Monster’s bed. He is excited for when the suns go to sleep and the moons come out to play. For he will claim his beautiful pink Sandroka and make her scream his name to the heavens.

  “Let me go or I’ll kick you right in the dick,” she sings as she struggles to get free from the powerful Cookie Monster’s grasp. The sound is not warm and soft like a mating ritual should be. Perhaps she needs some more persuasion.

  “What the fuck?” she sings when Cookie Monster releases her. She yanks down her odd animal skins and frowns. “Don’t fucking touch me again. That’s not cool.”

  She is not like a Sandroka ought to be. She is fierce like a warrior with the temper of a many fanged beast. Cookie Monster looks at his bloody hand and grins. She has fire in her. She will make a fine mate.

  “That’s right,” she sings like a bird. “Remember what I did to your hand if you even think about touching me again.”

  The powerful Cookie Monster does not understand her words but the meaning behind them is unmistakable. She wants to mate.

  The swift Cookie Monster’s soum starts thumping in his chest and his cock becomes as hard as the rocks in the yultine valley as he dreams of drinking the sweet nectar from Rolanda’s delicious culip.

  “Are you fucking serious right now? Are you getting a hard-on?”

  The Sandroka of Cookie Monster’s tribe all vanished many moons ago and the art of the mating ritual was lost with them. He stands up and unhooks his animal skin loincloth, letting it fall to the ground of the cave.

  His cock is hard and towering, pointing up to the sky like the tallest enger tree.

  Rolanda watches it with lust and amazement, staring at it with eyes as wide as lorentore flowers.

  “No way you just pulled your dick out,” she sings, preparing herself to be claimed. “I don’t know how you do things on Zandipor but where I’m from guys don’t just go whipping their dicks out and wave them around in girl’s faces.”

  She is stunning. Her hair as dark as the night sky and her skin as soft as the clouds. Her body is hard with muscle and the beautiful sight of it makes Cookie Monster’s dick stronger than ever. It aches with the need to touch her. With the need to claim her.

  The powerful Cookie Monster steps forward to complete the mating ritual and the pink Sandroka runs to the exit of the cave.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stay back.”

  Where is my mate going? Surely she doesn’t want to mate in the middle of the forest. Does she?

  “Fuck this shit.”

  The powerful Cookie Monster stares in disbelief. She
has gone. Does the pink Sandroka not want to mate? No. It must be something else.

  Cookie Monster runs after her to find out what it is.

  “Oh shit!” she sings in her melodious voice when she sees the virile Cookie Monster following her. She is running as fast as a poperwed. Why does she run?

  “Youwert qaseder louinter oki beasde,” the swift Cookie Monster calls out. Are we mating somewhere else?

  “I’m being chased by a blue alien with a thirteen inch dick!” she sings. The wondrous sound of her voice stirs Cookie Monster on. It makes his cock even harder.

  She reaches her cave and dives to her hands and knees, crawling through the tiny entrance like a ganoush. Why does she go where Cookie Monster cannot follow?

  He is too big and too mighty to travel through that small opening.

  “Sereatree buyerin ter freanew por politure culip,” the powerful Cookie Monster calls out. Come and let your mate drink from your culip.

  But she does not come out.

  Cookie Monster is confused. He places his hard cock in the entrance to the cave. Maybe his mate will mate with him this way.

  “Arrghh,” he screams as pain shoots through his mighty body. He pulls his cock out at once.

  Why would his mate hit his towering cock with a rock? Is that the mating ritual in the glorious place where she is from?

  “Stick your dick in here again and it’s mine. Got that? I’ll go all Lorena Bobbitt on your blue ass.”

  Rolanda, the stunning pink Sandroka, teases her Cookie Monster with the gorgeous melody of her voice. Why does she not come out here and mate?

  Cookie Monster waits and waits.

  And waits.

  And waits.

  Until the six moons are awake in the sky and the gorgeous snores of his mate echo in the cave. He walks back to his cave with blue balls.

  Literally and figuratively.

  five

  The first thing I do when I wake up is look to the entrance of the cave for any blue cocks sticking in. All clear.

  I thought I ran fast when I was being chased by the T-Rex but there’s nothing like being chased by a naked alien packing thirteen inches of blue heat. My leg injury vanished with the rush of adrenaline and it’s been fine ever since. A scary enough cock can have that effect on anyone.

  His dick was long enough to enter the cave and hard enough to crack the rock that I hit it with. Being outside was a nice change but I think I’m going to stick to my cave for now. Maybe a few days. Probably a few decades.

  At least until he leaves. I’ll take the velociraptor over this guy any day. At least the dinosaur is only trying to stab me with its teeth.

  I take a deep breath as I crawl over to the tiny entrance of the cave and peek out. The sun is in the sky and the forest is more colorful than ever.

  Should I run? Should I stay?

  Run to where? That’s what I hate about this planet. I don’t have any idea if I have it good here or not. I have no point of reference. Would I be wishing that I never left my cave when I discover the horrors outside or is there a full city with restaurants and five-star hotels just over that hill? I have no idea.

  But there is something out there that I need to find out. Avery is alive. Cookie Monster, or whatever the fuck his name is, knows where she is. I have to find her.

  I can’t live the rest of my life eating bugs in this tiny cave. I have to find my friend.

  “Alright, Rolanda,” I say, pumping myself up. “Let’s go.”

  I look around for a rock or stick, basically anything that I can use as a weapon but there’s nothing.

  “I don’t need a weapon,” I tell myself as I flex my arms and crunch my hands into fists. “I am a weapon.”

  I lower down and scooch through the tunnel when a big blue face pops into my view, scaring me half to death.

  “Oh God, not another one,” I say as I back up. It’s a different blue face. This one has a flat nose like those old boxers who have broken their noses over and over again and never bothered to get them fixed. His eyes are a darker shade of blue and his hair is cut short, like the style back home.

  “What do you want?” I shout at him as I back up.

  “Creepe wants to help you,” he says. In English.

  I suck in a quick breath as my heart seems to freeze, then pound. He speaks English.

  “Who is Creepe?” I ask, never taking my eyes off of his dark blue eyes.

  “Creepe is Creepe,” he answers, speaking in riddles.

  “And this rock is a rock,” I say, feeling my blood pressure rise. “And if you don’t leave me alone I’m going to crack it over your head.”

  “Creepe doesn’t understand,” he says, looking confused.

  “Well, that makes two of us, buddy.” I finally find someone who can speak English and he’s speaking in gibberish. Just my luck.

  “Are you coming?” he asks, waving me forward with his big blue hand.

  “How do I know you’re not going to hurt me?” I ask. “I didn’t have the best experience with your friend.”

  “Creepe won’t hurt you,” he says, shaking his head.

  “Who the hell is Creepe?”

  “Creepe is Creepe,” he repeats.

  “Ugh,” I say with a roll of my eyes. I start backing up into the safety of my cave. But I stop halfway. He may leave and then I’ll be stuck here with no way to find him. “Back up,” I tell him. “I’m coming out.”

  He backs up and I quickly crawl out, jumping to my feet with my fists ready to go. He looks like the Cookie Monster guy only his shoulders are a bit narrower and he doesn’t look as threatening. Probably because he’s speaking English rather than just grunting incoherently while whipping his dick out at me.

  I look around quickly, never taking my eyes off of him for long. He seems to be alone.

  “Where’s this Creepe guy?” I ask.

  He tilts his head to the side. “Creepe is Creepe,” he says tapping his chest.

  I’m about to clock him out of pure frustration when it dawns on me that he’s speaking in the third person. Ugh, I hate that.

  “You’re Creepe,” I say, pointing at him.

  “Yes,” he says with a nod. “That’s what Creepe said.”

  It’s like an Abbott and Costello bit, only it’s not funny. It’s frustrating and annoying. Just like this planet.

  “How do you speak English?” I ask, keeping my fists ready. If I see one flash of blue cock I’m going all Mike Tyson on his colorful ass.

  He turns his head to the side and points to a mole behind his ear. “The rock man’s magic lets Creepe speak.”

  Back to riddles. Just fucking great.

  “Who is the rock man?” I ask with a sigh. Why am I even bothering?

  “The Saku calls him Tin Tom,” he answers.

  My fists fall down as I stare at him with a slow, disbelieving shake of my head. “You know Tin Tom?”

  My skin is tingling as I wait for his answer.

  “Yes. Creepe knows him.”

  I wait for more of an explanation but he’s not giving me one. “How?”

  He sighs, looking as frustrated as me. “The Saku brought him to the village.”

  “The Saku?” I ask, narrowing my eyes.

  “The Saku,” he says with a nod. “Avery.”

  I gasp as my hand flies to my open mouth. Avery. He’s seen Avery? So it was her who gave the perverted streaker the name of Cookie Monster.

  She’s making me feel pretty inadequate right about now. We’ve both been here for the exact same amount of time and she’s made friends with an army of blue aliens and even taught them English. All I’ve done is hide in a cave, eating bugs.

  And I thought I was the tough, resourceful one.

  “Can you take me to see her?” I ask, feeling more hopeful than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

  “Creepe will take you there,” he says with a nod.

  “Great,” I say, looking around. “Let’s go now.”

  Befor
e Mr. Thirteen inches comes back.

  The powerful Cookie Monster feels like his soum is breaking. His beautiful mate Rolanda is leaving with Creepe. This is not good.

  Rolanda comes out of the cave for Creepe, but not for her mate? Cookie Monster does not understand.

  Creepe has nothing but bad intentions with this gorgeous pink Sandroka gift. She is not safe with him. She should come with the swift and noble Cookie Monster.

  Yet, she is with Creepe. Where did the Cookie Monster go wrong? First, she wanted to mate, then she didn’t. And now she parts with the dangerous Creepe. Why would his mate go with another Drandroka?

  The swift Cookie Monster flies down the hill as fast as a poperwed. He smiles at Rolanda as he approaches but she does not smile back.

  She steps behind Creepe, making Cookie Monster’s chest hurt. It is hard to breathe. The powerful Cookie Monster’s breath disappears like the cold season as his mate recoils in fear behind another Drandroka.

  Why is she hiding? Cookie Monster’s soum hurts to see his mate afraid of him.

  “Like Creepe’s new toy?” the vile Creepe asks with a smirk on his lips.

  The swift Cookie Monster ignores him. He looks to his mate with hurt on his face, urging her with his eyes to come out of hiding. She does not.

  “Go back to the whore that you call the Saku,” Creepe says, enjoying the hurt that Cookie Monster is feeling right now. “Creepe is going to have his fun with his new Sandroka whore.”

  “She is not a whore,” the swift and noble Cookie Monster shouts as his fingers creep towards the bow strapped to his powerful back.

  Rolanda recoils behind Creepe’s back at Cookie Monster’s shout. Doesn’t she know that the noble Cookie Monster is protecting her?

  “She will be Creepe’s whore,” Creepe says with a horrible smile. “The bold and crafty Creepe will feed her the paste of the burenta and put her to sleep. Then, he will stab her whore body with his monstrous cock.”

  Cookie Monster’s ears are pounding. His soum hammering in his chest like a mandashee. He wants to kill the nasty Dandroka in front of him for even thinking those thoughts about Cookie Monster’s heavenly mate.