At that the priest hitched us there and then, sitting up in bed as we were, after which the pair of us were forced to get up and leave the house. As we were just going, the lieutenant-colonel said that neither I nor his daughter should darken his doorway ever again. Now that I had recovered somewhat and felt my sword at my side once more, I made a joke of it. ‘I can’t understand why you insist on doing everything topsy-turvy fashion. When other people have just been wed, their close relatives send them off to the bedroom, while you, dear father-in-law, are turning me not only out of bed, but out of doors as well. Instead of wishing me every happiness for my marriage, you will not even allow me the happiness of staying in my father-in-law’s presence and serving him. If this habit should catch on weddings would not add much to the sum total of friendship in the world.’
Chapter 22
How the wedding breakfast went off and what he planned for the future
The people in my lodgings were rather surprised when I brought this young lady home, and even more so when they saw she made no secret of the fact that she was going to bed with me. Although this whole farce had put me somewhat out of humour, I saw no reason to spurn my bride. I held my darling in my arms, but at the same time my head was full of thoughts of what to do about the situation. At first I decided it served me right, but then I felt I had been treated disgracefully and could not come out of it with honour unless I had my just revenge. However, when I remembered that it was my father-in-law on whom I would be taking revenge, and that it would also rebound on my innocent darling, all my plans simply evaporated. I was so ashamed, I resolved to stay in my lodgings and not go out at all, but then I realised that would be the most foolish thing of all to do. Finally I decided that first and foremost I must win back my father-in-law’s friendship; for the rest, I would behave towards others as if nothing untoward had happened and that as far as my marriage was concerned everything was as it should be. I told myself that was how I must tackle it, given the rather unusual way it had all come about. ‘If people should find out you’re unhappy with your marriage and have been trapped into it, like a poor girl married off to some impotent old moneybags’, I said to myself, ‘all you’ll get is mockery.’
With these thoughts going through my mind, I got up early, though I would have preferred to stay longer in bed. First of all I sent for my brother-in-law, who was married to my wife’s sister, told him briefly how we were now related and asked him to bring his wife round to help us prepare some food so that I would have something to offer the guests at my wedding breakfast. And if he would be good enough to go and intercede with our parents-in-law on my behalf, I added, I would invite some guests who would complete the reconciliation. He agreed, and I went to see the commandant, whom I regaled with an amusing account of how my father-in-law and I had created a new fashion in accelerated marriages in which engagement, wedding and bedding all took place within the hour. And since, I went on, my father-in-law had economised on a wedding breakfast, I had decided to make up for it by giving a modest supper for a number of notables, to which he, of course, was humbly invited.
The commandant laughed fit to burst at my humorous narrative, and since I could see he was in the right mood, I became even freer in my speech. I excused myself by pointing out that he could hardly expect me to be staid and sober at such a time. Other men were out of their right minds for four weeks before and after they got married. They had four weeks to get their idiocies out of their system bit by bit, allowing them keep their lack of sense more or less concealed. Since matrimony had taken me by surprise I had to unload my silliness all at once so that I could settle down to a sober married life.
The commandant asked me about the marriage contract and how many gold pieces the old skinflint, who was not short of the wherewithal, had given me for a dowry. I replied that our marriage agreement consisted of one point and one point alone, namely that he should never see his daughter and me again. Since, however, there had been neither lawyer nor witnesses present I hoped it could be rescinded, especially as in my opinion one of the purposes of marriage was to foster friendship. Unless, that is, he were trying to marry off his daughter in the same way as Pythagoras, which I found it impossible to believe, since to my knowledge I had never insulted him.
With all these quips and jokes, which people here were not used to hearing from me, I got the commandant to agree to come to my wedding supper and to persuade my father-in-law to accompany him. He immediately sent a cask of wine and a stag to my kitchen, and I had such a banquet prepared as if I were going to entertain princes. I also gathered a distinguished company together that not only had a merry time together but, more importantly, so reconciled my parents-in-law to my wife and me that they showered more blessings on us than they had curses the previous night. The rumour was spread around the town that we had deliberately gone about the wedding in this way so as to avoid having tricks played on us by ill-disposed people.
In fact, this rapid wedding suited me down to the ground. If I had been married in the normal way and the banns been read from the pulpit then I’m afraid there would have been minxes enough to cause trouble since there were a good half dozen among the daughters of respectable citizens with whom I was on all too intimate terms.
The next day my father-in-law entertained the wedding guests, but nowhere near as sumptuously as I had, for he was stingy. In the course of the festivity he started talking to me about what business I intended to follow and how I was going to organise my household. Only then did I realise I had lost my freedom and was expected to live the life of a dutiful son-in-law. I put on a show of obedience and begged my dear father-in-law, as a gentleman of great experience, to give me the benefit of his advice.
The commandant praised this reply and said, ‘Given that he’s a lively young soldier, it would be extremely foolish during the present wars for him to take up any profession but soldiering. It’s much better to keep your horse in someone else’s stable that to feed someone else’s in your own. As far as I’m concerned, I’m ready to make him a lieutenant with his own troop to command, if he wants.’
My father-in-law and I both thanked him. I did not reject the idea, as I had before, but I showed him the document from the merchant in Cologne with whom I had deposited my treasure, saying, ‘I’ll have to go and collect this before I enter the Swedish service. If they get word that I have gone over to the enemy they will just give me the finger and keep my treasure, which is not the kind of thing you’ll find just lying by the roadside.’ They both approved of this plan and so it was agreed between the three of us that I should go to Cologne in a few days’ time, collect my treasure and return to the fortress, where I would take command of a troop. At the same time a day was set when my father-in-law was to be given a company and the position of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant’s regiment. During that winter Count Götz was encamped in Westphalia with a large contingent of imperial troops, his headquarters being in Dortmund, and the commandant, expecting a siege in the coming spring, was accordingly on the look-out for good soldiers. However, it turned out to be wasted effort since Götz, following the defeat of his fellow general, Johann de Werth, in the Breisgau, had to withdraw from Westphalia in the spring in order to go to the relief of Breisach, which was being besieged by the Duke of Weimar.
Chapter 23
Simplicius comes to a town – for the sake of argument let’s call it Cologne – to collect his treasure
Things that are destined happen in many ways. For some people adversity comes gradually, bit by bit, while others are overwhelmed by it all at once. For me it started so sweetly, so pleasantly that I didn’t see it as misfortune at all but as the greatest good fortune. I had scarcely spent more than a week of married bliss with my dear wife when I donned my hunter’s outfit, slung my musket over my shoulder and said farewell to her and her friends.
Since I knew all the paths and tracks, I managed to slip through unobserved and without danger. Indeed, no one saw me until I came to the ba
rrier outside Deutz, on this side of the Rhine, opposite Cologne. I, however, saw many people. One who struck me in particular was a farmer in Berg, who reminded me of my Da in the Spessart, and his son, who was just like my simple-minded self as a boy. This peasant lad was herding the swine and as I was passing the sows sensed my presence and started to grunt, which made the lad swear at them, ‘Damn and blast ye, ye poxy beasts, why don’t ye all go to hell!’ The dairymaid heard this and shouted to the lad that he should stop swearing or she would tell his father. To this the boy answered that she could kiss his arse and go fuck her mammy into the bargain. The farmer heard his son and came running out of the house with his stick, crying, ‘Shut thy gob, thou goddam foul-mouthed lummocks! I’ll teach thee to swear, God rot thee!’ caught him by the collar and thrashed him like a dancing bear. With each blow he said, ‘Thou little bugger! I’ll teach thee to cuss! Devil take thee! I’ll teach thee to kiss my arse! I’ll teach thee to go fuck thy mammy! etc. etc.’ This punishment naturally reminded me of me and my Da, but I had not the honest faith to thank God for bringing me out of such darkness and ignorance to the light of better knowledge and understanding. How then should I have expected the good fortune He sent me day by day to continue?
When I arrived in Cologne I went to see my Jupiter, who happened to be in his right mind just then. When I told him why I had come, he said straight away that he was afraid I was wasting my time. The merchant with whom I had deposited my goods had gone bankrupt and disappeared. The authorities had put my property under seal and summoned the merchant to appear before them, but people thought it was very doubtful whether he would return since he had taken with him the best of the things that could be easily carried. A lot of water would pass under the Rhine Bridge before the case was dealt with.
You can imagine how delighted I was at this news. The air was blue with my cursing and swearing, but that did nothing to get me my money back. I had only brought ten thalers with me for the journey and so could not afford to stay for the time the matter would take. Anyway, it was dangerous to stay that long. I was worried that, since I was now attached to an enemy garrison, I might be identified and suffer a worse fate than just losing my fortune. Still, to return to Lippstadt with nothing but a wasted journey to show for it did not seem a good idea either.
I finally decided to stay in Cologne until the case was dealt with and sent word to my wife to tell her the reason for the delay. Accordingly I went to see a lawyer, explained my position and asked for his advice and assistance, promising him a generous bonus on top of his fee if he managed to expedite matters. Since he hoped to make something out of me, he willingly took me on and also provided me with board and lodging. The next day we went together to the officials who dealt with bankruptcies, showed them the original of the merchant’s receipt and submitted a certified copy. Their reply, however, was that we would have to wait for the full hearing since not all the items in the inventory were there.
So I had to resign myself to another period of idleness, and I decided to use it to see what life was like in a great city. As I said, my landlord was a lawyer, but he also had around half a dozen lodgers and always kept eight horses in his stable, which he used to hire out to travellers. He had two servants, one German, one French, who looked after the horses and could drive a carriage or accompany a rider. With this threefold, or even three-and-a-half-fold business he doubtless not only made a living, but a huge profit for, since Jews were not allowed in the city, he could lend money at an exorbitant rate.
During the time I stayed with him I closely observed his disposition and by extending this to others I learnt how to recognise all kinds of diseases, which is the most important of a doctor’s skills; once a disease has been correctly identified, the patient, so people say, is half way on the road to recovery. Many whom I diagnosed as fatally ill were completely unaware of their sickness and thought to be healthy by others, even by their doctors. I found people whose ailment was anger; when they suffered an attack they contorted their faces like demons, roared like lions, scratched like cats, laid about themselves like bears, bit like dogs, indeed, they were worse than wild animals, since like madmen they threw anything they could lay their hands on. They say this disease comes from the gall, but I believe its origin lies in the arrogance of fools. If you hear an angry man raging, especially about some trifle, you can be sure he has more pride than wits. This illness causes untold misery, both to the person himself and to others; to the sufferer it eventually brings palsy, gout and an early (perhaps even eternal!) death. And although they suffer from a fatal disease, you cannot in all conscience call them patients since the thing they lack most of all is patience.
Others I saw who were sick with envy. People say of them, seeing them always so pale and wan, that they are eating their hearts out. I consider this sickness the most dangerous of all because it comes from the devil, even though its origin lies in good fortune – the good fortune of the sufferer’s enemies. Anyone who cures a man of this disease can almost boast he has brought a lost sheep back to the Christian fold, since it cannot infect true Christians because they abhor vice and sin.
I also consider addiction to gambling a disease, not just because the name implies that, but because those that suffer from it are completely obsessed by it. Its origin lies in idleness, not greed as some think; if you take away idleness the illness will disappear of its own accord. Likewise I came to the conclusion that over-indulgence in food and drink is a disease and that it comes from habit, not from an excess of wealth. Poverty is a good medicine for it, though not a guaranteed cure: I have seen beggars carousing and rich misers starving themselves. This ailment generally comes with its own remedy and that is called want – if not of money, then of health, so that sufferers generally recover on their own when, either through poverty or some other disease, they can no longer stuff their bodies.
Arrogance I considered a kind of mental illness based on ignorance. If a man knows himself, knows where he comes from and where he is going, it is impossible for him to be such an arrogant fool. Whenever I see a peacock or a turkeycock strutting along, displaying its feathers and gobbling, I have to laugh at the excellent caricature of sufferers from this complaint these brute breasts provide. I have not been able to find any particular remedy for the disease, since without humility those who have it are no easier to cure than other madmen.
I also concluded that laughing is an illness. The Greek poet Philemon is said to have died from it and Democritus was infected with it to his dying day. Even now our women say they could laugh till they died. People maintain it has its origin in the liver but I believe it comes from an excess of foolishness, since to laugh a lot is not a sign of a sensible man. It is unnecessary to prescribe a remedy for it since it is not only a jolly illness, but some people find they are laughing on the other side of their faces sooner than they would like. Inquisitiveness, too, struck me as no less of a disease, and one that is well nigh congenital in the female sex. It looks like a mere trifle, but in fact it is very dangerous; we are all still paying for the curiosity of our first mother. For the moment I will say nothing of the others, such as sloth, vengefulness, jealousy, blasphemy, debauchery and other ailments and vices, but get back to what I originally intended to write about, my landlord. It is just that he was so completely possessed by greed that he started me off thinking about other similar failings.
Chapter 24
The Hunter catches a hare in the middle of the town
He had, as I mentioned above, various business activities through which he scraped together money. He fed himself from his boarders’ food and not vice versa. What they provided could have furnished generous portions for himself and his household if the tightwad had only used it for that, but he held a lot back and kept us on Spartan rations. At first, since I did not have much money with me, I did not eat with the student boarders but with his children and servants. The helpings were tiny and my stomach, which had become accustomed to the hearty Westphalian diet, felt
quite strange. We never saw a decent joint of meat on the table, only what the students had had a week before, which had been well gnawed and was now as old and grey as Methuselah. The landlady, who had to do all the cooking herself since he refused to pay for a maid, would make some sour black gravy to pour over it and spice it up with plenty of pepper. The bones were licked so clean you could have made chessmen out of them, but that did not mean he had no more use for them. They were kept in a special bin and when our skinflint had enough they were chopped up into small pieces and any remaining fat boiled off. Whether it was used to make soup or grease boots I couldn’t say.
Fast-days, of which there were more than enough, were religiously observed, our host being very conscientious about that, and we had to nibble at stinking kippers, salt cod and other dried and decaying fish. Cheapness was his sole criterion and he was quite prepared to go to the fishmarket himself and pick up what the fishmongers intended to throw away. Our bread was usually black and stale, our drink a thin, vinegary beer that tore my guts apart and yet had to pass for best barley wine. What is more, the German servant told me it was even worse in summer: the bread was mouldy and the meat full of maggots, the best was a few radishes at lunchtime and a handful of lettuce for supper. I asked him why he stayed with the old skinflint to which he replied that he was usually away on journeys and so depended more on the tips he got from travellers than on his penny-pinching master. You would be hard put to it to find a worse miser anywhere, he said, he didn’t even trust his wife and children to go down into the cellar, he begrudged them the drips from the wine-casks. What I had seen so far, he added, was nothing. If I stayed longer I would see that he would flay a donkey for a few coppers. Once he brought home six pounds of tripe or brawn and left it in the cellar. His children, overjoyed to find the window had been left open, tied a fork to a stick and fished the whole lot out, which they ate, half-cooked, as fast as they could. They claimed it was the cat had taken the tripe, but the old cheese-parer was having none of that. He caught the cat and weighed it to prove that, hair, claws and all, it wasn’t as heavy as his tripe had been.
Simplicissimus Page 27