Simplicissimus

  Thus fortune can change in an instant. Shortly before, Herzbruder had expressed the intention of getting himself made a baron in order to marry a young lady of rank; at the same time he would have had me made a knight. Now, however, he had to think again. Since he had lost the wherewithal to propagate a new line and, moreover, his paralysis threatened to prove a lengthy illness during which he would stand in need of good friends, he made his will, in which he appointed me sole heir to his whole estate. He did this especially because he saw how I had thrown away my good fortune, resigning my captaincy so that I could accompany him when he went to take the waters at Griesbach and look after him until he was well again.

  Chapter 5

  Simplicius becomes a messenger and, taken for Mercury, hears from Jove what his intentions are regarding war and peace

  By the time Herzbruder could ride once more it was May and pleasant weather for travelling. We sent all our spare cash (for now we shared the same purse) by banker’s draft to Basle, equipped ourselves with horses and servants, and set off up the Danube to Ulm and then to the spa. There we took lodgings, after which I rode on to Strasbourg. We had had our money sent on there from Basle and I was going to collect some of it, but I also wanted to look for experienced doctors to prescribe medicines and a regime for Herzbruder while he was taking the waters. They came with me and established that Herzbruder had been poisoned. The poison had not been strong enough to kill him outright, but had affected his limbs and would need to be purged with drugs, antidotes and sweat-baths; the treatment should take eight weeks or so, they said. As soon as he heard this, Herzbruder knew straight away when he had been poisoned and by whom, namely some officers who would have liked to have his position in the army. When the doctors also told him that the mineral waters were not necessary for his treatment, he concluded that the army medical officers had been bribed by his rivals to get him sent so far away. However, he decided to stay in Griesbach to complete his treatment since not only was the air healthy, but there was pleasant company among the other visitors.

  I was unwilling to waste all that time, since I felt a yearning to see my wife again, and as Herzbruder no longer particularly needed my help, I told him this. He approved and encouraged me to go to her. He also gave me some valuable jewels for her, to ask her forgiveness for being the reason why I had not returned to her sooner. So I rode off to Strasbourg, where I not only stocked up with money but also made enquiries as to what would be the best way to travel to make sure I got through safely. Going alone on horseback was impossible, I discovered. The route passed between many garrisons of the two warring sides and the foraging parties made it very unsafe. I therefore had a pass made out for a Strasbourg messenger and wrote some letters to my wife, her sister and parents, as if I were going to send him to Lippstadt with them. Then I pretended I had changed my mind, recovered the pass from him by a subterfuge, sent my servant back with the horse, dressed myself up in red and white livery and took a boat as far as Cologne, which at that time was a neutral city.

  First of all I went to see my Jove, who had previously appointed me his Ganymede, to find out what the situation was regarding the goods I had left there. Unfortunately I found him in one of his deranged phrases and angry at the human race. ‘O Mercury’, he said when he saw me, ‘what news do you bring from Münster? Do men think they can make peace without my agreement? Never! They had their peace, why did they not keep it? Was not every vice in fashion when they provoked me to send war to them? And what have they done since to deserve peace? Have they mended their ways? Have they not become worse, running off to war as if they were going to the fair? Have they turned over a new leaf because of the famine I sent in which so many starved to death? Has the terrible death toll of so many millions frightened them into improvement? No, no, Mercury, those who are left, and who have witnessed all the misery with their own eyes, have not only not repented, they have become worse than ever! If they do not reform when faced with such dreadful calamities, but continue in their godless ways amid all these trials and tribulations, what will they do when I send them the pleasurable golden days of peace again? I would be afraid they would try to storm heaven, as the Giants once did. But I will nip any such mischief in the bud and leave them stuck in their wars.’

  Since I knew now how to get on the right side of this god, I said, ‘Oh great Jupiter, the whole world is sighing for peace and promising repentance, how can you refuse them any longer?’

  ‘Oh they sigh’, replied Jupiter, ‘but for their own sake, not mine. They do not want to sit under their vines and fig-trees and praise God, but simply to enjoy the luscious fruits in peace. Not long ago I asked a mangy tailor whether I should grant peace, but he replied that it made no difference to him, he had to ply his needle in peace as well as in war. I got a similar reply from a brass-founder who said that even if he didn’t have the bells to cast he had in peacetime, in wartime he had plenty of work with cannon and mortars. Likewise a blacksmith said, “If I’ve no ploughs to make or cartwheels to shoe during wartime, I’ve still got enough horses and army waggons coming to the forge. What do I need of peace?” So you see, my dear Mercury, why should I grant them peace? It’s true there are some who want it, but only, as I said, for the sake of their own bellies and their own enjoyment. On the other hand there are those who want the war to continue, not because it is my will, but because they profit by it. Although the carpenters and masons would like to see peace so they can earn money rebuilding the burnt-down houses, there are others who are not confident they could support themselves by honest labour in peacetime and want war to continue so they can continue to steal.’

  Hearing my Jupiter go on about these matters, I realised he was too confused to give me any news of my affairs and didn’t reveal my identity to him. Keeping my head down, I made my way to Lippstadt along the by-paths I knew so well. There, maintaining the disguise of a messenger from outside, I enquired after my father-in-law and learnt that both he and his wife had died six months ago and that my darling had also died immediately after giving birth to a young son, who was being looked after by her sister. On hearing this I delivered to my brother-in-law the letters I had written to my father-in-law, my wife and to him. He offered to put me up so that he could ask me about Simplicius’s situation and what I was doing. The result was that I had a long conversation with my sister-in-law about myself in which I praised myself to the skies. The pock-marks had so spoilt my looks and changed me that no one recognised me apart from Herr von Schönstein who, being a good friend, kept his mouth shut.

  After I had gone on for a long time about all the fine horses and servants Herr Simplicius had and how he went round in a black velvet coat covered in gold lace, she said, ‘Yes, I always imagined he came from a much better family than he pretended. The commandant here forecast a great future for him and persuaded my late parents they had done well to saddle him with my poor sister, who was a devout young girl, though I myself never thought it would turn out well in the long run. Nevertheless he did the right thing and decided to enter the Swedish, or rather Hessian service in this garrison. With that in mind, he went to Cologne to bring back the goods and money he had there, but the business dragged on and by a trick he was dispatched to France, leaving behind my sister, who had been married to him less than a month, and another half dozen respectable young girls, all pregnant by him and all of whom gave birth one after the other – my sister was the last – to boys. Since by that time my father and mother were dead and since my husband and I cannot have children, we have made my sister’s son heir to our whole estate, and with the help of the commandant we have collected the property his father had in Cologne. It amounts to about three thousand guilders so that when he comes of age he will scarcely be called poor. My husband and I love the little boy so much that we would not hand him over to his father, even if he came himself to fetch him. He’s the prettiest of his step-brothers and the very mirror image of his father. I’m certain that if my brother-in-law knew what a handsom
e son he has here he would not be able to resist coming to see the little darling, even if he would prefer to avoid his other bastards.’

  From the way she spoke I could easily tell how much my sister-in-law loved my child, who was running round in his first pair of breeches, a sight that melted my heart. I took out the jewels Herzbruder had given me as a present for my wife, telling her that Herr Simplicius had sent them as a token to his darling, but seeing that she was dead I thought it right and proper they should be passed on to his child. My brother-in-law and his wife were delighted to accept them and concluded that I was not only not short of money but also quite a different kind of person than they had hitherto imagined. Then I requested their permission to leave and when they agreed I asked to be allowed to give young Simplicius a kiss in his father’s name, which I would then report back to Herr Simplicius. My sister-in-law approved of the idea, and when it was done both the child and I started to bleed from the nose, at which I thought my heart would break. But I kept my feelings hidden, and to give them no time to reflect on the significance of this sympathetic reaction I left right away. After two weeks of difficulty and danger I was back in at the spa, dressed as a beggar, for I had been robbed of everything on the way.

  Chapter 6

  Concerns a trick Simplicius played in the spa

  As soon as I got back I saw that Herzbruder was worse rather than better, even though the good doctors and apothecaries had fleeced him worse than a fat lamb. There was something of a child about him and he could only walk with great difficulty. I encouraged him as best I could, but things looked bad. He himself must have realised from his loss of strength that he was not going to last long. His greatest comfort was that I should be with him when he breathed his last.

  I, on the other hand, was determined to enjoy myself and took my pleasure where I could find it, as long as it did not interfere with my care for Herzbruder. Since I now knew I was a widower, my young blood and the fine weather drew me to the pleasures of love, which I pursued vigorously. The fright I had received at Einsiedeln was by now completely forgotten. At the spa there was a beautiful lady who claimed to have blue blood, though in my opinion she was more nubile than noble. Since this man-trap appeared to be rather sleek and shapely, I laid siege to her and very quickly obtained entry both to her salon and to any other pleasures I could desire. However, her easy virtue soon disgusted me and I looked for a way I could decently get rid of her since I suspected she was more interested in getting her hands into my purse than in marrying me. Moreover she insisted on giving me passionate glances and other tokens of her ardent affection wherever I might be, which made me blush for both of us.

  At the spa there was also a rich Swiss gentleman who had not only all his money stolen but also his wife’s jewellery, consisting of gold, silver, pearls and precious stones. Since it is as hard to lose such things as it is to acquire them, the said Swiss was willing to use any means to recover them. He sent for the celebrated necromancer who lived at the sign of the Goatskin and whose familiar spirit so plagued the thief that he returned the stolen goods to their rightful owner, for which the sorcerer was paid ten rix-dollars.

  I would very much liked to have met this sorcerer and talked with him, but couldn’t do so without damage to my reputation, or so I imagined, for at that time I thought no end of myself. So I told my servant to go and drink with him that evening, since I had heard he was very fond of his wine, to see if I might get to know him in that way, for I had heard strange stories about him which I could not believe unless I heard them from his own lips. I disguised myself as a peddler selling ointments and sat down at his table to see if he could guess, or a demon would tell him, who I was. But I did not get the least sign that he did, he just kept drinking all the time and took me for the person my clothes suggested; he did drink several toasts to me, but he showed more respect for my servant than for me. He told him in confidence that if the thief had thrown even the smallest part of what he had stolen from the Swiss gentleman into running water, thus giving the devil his share, it would have been impossible either to name the thief or to recover the goods.

  I listened to this nonsense and was astonished that the arch-deceiver would get the poor man in his claws for such a trifle. I guessed that this was part of the pact he had made with the devil and I could well imagine that this kind of trick would not help the thief if a different necromancer, who did not have that clause in his pact, were brought in to clear up the theft. I therefore told my servant, who could pick a pocket better than any Slav fingersmith, to get him blind drunk, then steal his ten rix-dollars and throw a few coppers from it into the Rench, which the man did. Next morning the necromancer, when he discovered his money was missing, went to some bushes on the banks of the Rench, doubtless to confer with his familiar about it, but was so maltreated that he came back with his face all back and blue and covered in scratches. When I saw this I felt so sorry for the poor soul that I sent his money back to him with a message to say that now he saw what an evil, double-dealing type the devil was he would presumably quit his service and turn back to God. But little good did this friendly exhortation do me. From that time on nothing went right. Soon afterwards my two fine horses fell sick and died through witchcraft. But what else could I expect? I lived a life of hedonistic pleasure and never commended my goods to God’s care. What was there to stop this sorcerer taking his revenge on me?

  Chapter 7

  Herzbruder dies and Simplicius goes back to his amorous ways

  The longer I stayed at the spa the better I liked it. Not only did the number of visitors increase daily, but I found both the place itself and the way of life very pleasant. I associated with the liveliest of those staying there and started to learn the art of polite conversation and courteous address, which I had not much bothered with until then. As my servants called me Captain, it was assumed I belonged to the nobility, since a mere soldier of fortune would be unlikely to achieve such a rank at such an early age. So the rich fops became not only acquaintances but close friends and I was kept busy with all kinds of amusement, gambling, eating and drinking, which devoured many a bright ducat without me noticing, or even caring since my moneybags were still heavy with what I had inherited from Oliver.

  Herzbruder’s condition, however, gradually deteriorated until the doctors gave him up (though not before they had bled him white, both literally and financially) and he paid his debt to nature. He confirmed his last will and testament, making me heir to whatever he was due to receive from his late father’s estate. In return I gave him a magnificent funeral and sent his servants on their way with some money and their mourning clothes.

  His death grieved me very much, especially as he had been poisoned. I could do nothing to change it, but it changed me. I shunned company and sought out solitude to pursue my melancholy thoughts. I would find somewhere in the bushes to hide and reflect not only on the friend I had lost, but on the fact that I would never find another like him as long as I lived. At the same time I made all sorts of plans about how I would organise my life in future, but came to no firm conclusion. Hardly had I decided I wanted to go back to the wars than I was telling myself the least peasant in that district was better off than a colonel, for no foraging parties came to that mountainous area. Nor could I imagine what business an army would have to go there to ruin the countryside. All the farmhouses were as well kept as in peacetime and all the stalls full of cattle, even though down in the plains there was not a cat or dog left in the villages.

  I was listening to the most delightful birdsong and thinking that the nightingale with its charming strains must compel all other birds to stay silent and listen, either out of shame or in order to steal some of its beautiful notes, when a quite different kind of beauty approached the bank on the other side of the river. She was only wearing the dress of a peasant girl, but her loveliness moved me more than any lady in all her splendour. She took a basket off her head in which she was carrying some fresh butter wrapped in muslin to sell
at the spa. She put the butter into the water to cool so that it would not melt in the great heat and while she was waiting she sat down on the grass, threw off her veil and hat and wiped the sweat from her brow, giving me plenty of time to observe her and feast my prying eyes on her. It seemed to me I had never seen a more beautiful person in my life. Her body was perfectly proportioned and without blemish, her hands and arms white as snow, her complexion fresh and charming, her black eyes full of fire and passionate looks. As she was putting the butter back in her basket I shouted over, ‘Pretty maid! You’ve cooled your butter in the water with your fair hands but your bright eyes have set my heart on fire.’ The moment she heard and saw me she ran off without a word, as if she had a pack of hounds at her heels, leaving me behind with all the foolish thoughts that plague an over-imaginative lover.

  But my desire to bask in the warm rays of that sun again would not leave me in peace in my chosen solitude. All of a sudden the song of the nightingale meant no more to me than the howling of wolves. So off I trotted back to the spa, sending my boy on ahead to intercept the butter-seller and haggle with her until I arrived. He did his bit, and so did I, but I met with a stony, chilly reception such as I would never thought to have found in a peasant girl. The sole effect of this was to make me even more smitten, though having been through the same school myself, I knew very well that she would not let herself be so easily won over.