by Milly Taiden
He says, “I think we’re about done here Lovey. What do you say we drive back home tonight?” I nod. It’s not as if we had a choice, we haven’t been invited to stay for dinner. Of course we could stay the night, Ten still owns the bungalow but I think I’ll feel better at home.
“Goodbye Sir, it was a pleasure to see you again. ”
I start walking out and then I think of something and I turn around. “May I ask you something?” I ask the old man. He nods.
“Is Martha still working at the diner?”
“Yes she is,” he answers.
“Then could I ask you a favor? Next Sunday, when you see her, can you tell her that I'm doing fine and that I think of her often?”
“That I can do,” he says.
“Out of my mother's hearing?”
“That goes without saying. ” He smiles when he says that. I guess he really noticed more than I gave him credit for; unless there’s something between him and Martha that I’m not aware of.
We get in the car and Ten holds my hand as we drive away. “It went better than I expected,” he says. “I'm glad we did it. ”
I lift his hand to my lips and say, “I love you, Ten. ”
Keeping his eyes on the road, he asks me, “Do you miss Alexander?”
“At times. ” I say. One of the rules we have set is to be brutally honest, so I'm not about to start lying to him before we have tied the knot.
“We'll have to work on that,” he says. He's smiling to himself. There's a competitive side to Ten that I'm seeing for the first time. I look forward to his best effort to make me forget Alex.
“Yes, we will. ”
* * *
I haven't gone for the virginal white. Given my size it would have been silly. Furthermore I don't think they do white maternity dresses in the winter. So even if I had wanted to it wouldn't have been possible.
James Senior and James Junior are here. They drove all the way to Manhattan to be with us. Ten was surprised, in a good way I think, to see Clara, Jimmy, and Steven. There is no one representing my biological family and nothing could make me happier.
Oliver and Andrew are our witnesses. Those two and Ten are my family now. I guess Alexander still is too.
Andrew's in the middle of his shift but he got the green light from his supervisor to take one hour with his patrol car to be with us. Who knew his sergeant was a romantic at heart? The cute clerk seems favorably impressed by his uniform. Andrew looks at her with such intensity that I think he'll be back to visit this courtroom soon and that I may get to know her better.
The ceremony is quick. We both say, “I do,” and sign the paper.
I'm now officially Mrs. Tennessee Charles Clark. Ten kisses me, for real. Long and hard. So long that Oliver coughs and says, “Get a room!” and starts to walk away with Andrew.
And then, with a perfect sense of timing my baby decides that it's time to come out and see the world. I get the first contraction and I feel something hot trickling down my legs. I recognize the pain the very second it starts. My grip on Ten's arm gets stronger and he looks at me with alarm.
“Don't panic please,” I tell him, “but it's time. ”
Ten stares at me and calls out to Oliver and Andrew standing by the elevator doors. They both turn around and walk back toward us when they see the tense look on Ten's face.
Oliver start’s to say “What’s…” and then notices the small puddle on the floor between my legs. His voice is really cool like it’s no big deal when he continues by saying “Okay, since your water broke, I'll be starting my shift a bit earlier than usual. ”
“And I'm gonna get you there in style,” Andy tells me. “Lucky for you I cleaned up the back of my patrol car yesterday. ”
“Sorry guys, we've got to go,” Ten says to his family.
“What hospital?” Clara asks.
Oliver tells her as we get in the elevator.
In the patrol car Andy turns on the siren. The three of us are a little squeezed in the back. More warm liquid comes out of me.
Oliver laughs and says to Andy, “Buddy you're gonna have to clean your car again. ”
“Oh Lyv, please can’t you do something to hold it in?” Andy asks.
I can't help but laugh. The man has no clue about the way things work. I’m not peeing in his car, I have no control over the leakage.
This time I'm not scared of giving birth. I can conquer the world! I have my musketeers with me.
But the three musketeers were actually four buddies and today one's missing. I decide not to be sad that Alexander won't be with me. I know it's going to be all right because Ten's here.
***
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Andrew drops us at the entrance of the hospital and drives away. He's got a shift to finish and a back seat to clean up. Again. Ten has the number of his desk sergeant who will radio him the news if the baby gets here before he finishes his shift, which seems unlikely. I hope this baby doesn’t take as much time as Eve to come out.
Oliver rushes us through the admission paper work and in a semi private place, it’s a pre-delivery room. Ten's holding my hand and he doesn't care what anybody says, he's not going anywhere.
I no longer have contractions. Ten’s worried until Oliver summarizes the situation for him in words he can understand:
“She’s not in labor, she’s just leaky. ”
Ten’s brain seems to have stopped functioning properly.
“He means you can relax, nothing’s happening for a while. You have plenty of time to go home and get my stuff,” I say using a tone I would use for a very slow person.
“You’re sure?” Ten asks.
“Certain,” Oliver and I answer together.
“And I’ll stay with her until you come back,” Oliver says. “I told you, I’m not supposed to start work for a couple of hours. ”
Ten reluctantly leaves. I know he’s really not thinking properly because in his normal state he would have sent Oliver home to get my baby suitcase.
Oliver stays with me and I can see something’s on his mind so I tell him, “Come on, out with it. ”
He looks at me strangely so I add, “I can see something’s bothering you so tell me. What’s the problem?”
“It’s Andrew. He’s torn. ”
“I know…” It’s all that I can think to say. Andrew is in a difficult position. He’s there because of a combination of his brother’s decision and my choice not to tell Alexander about this pregnancy.
We remain silent for a while and Oliver says, “If there’s anything I can do to help?”
“You are already. You’re here with me and you haven’t spilled the beans. ”
Oliver shrugs. “My loyalty is to you and Ten. Alexander’s not my brother. ”
But still I can see Oliver’s feeling sorry for Alexander. So am I when I’m not mad at hell at him.
*
The delivery is fast and smooth and it's a girl. Ten looks at her before they whisk her away. “She's perfect,” he says. “And she looks just like you. ”
“What shall we call her?”
“What do you think of Alexandra?” he asks.
“Alexandra?” What the hell?
He nods and I can't think of anything to say. I'm in shock and then I understand. It's not Alexandra because of Alexander. It's Alexandra like his mother. Okay, that makes more sense. I'm not sure it will melt the Ice Queen frozen heart but I won't deny him a chance to try. I wonder if he was hurt by her absence today.
“Sure,” I say. “Alexandra is a pretty name. ”
“Then Alexandra it is. ”
*
Ten's family minus the Ice Queen comes to visit us the next morning. They crowd my room and go through the required “ooh”s and “aah”s and then James Senior asks, “So what's her name?”
“Alexandra. ” Ten's answer has his grand father snorting and Ten's dad all teary eyes. The poor man must still be in love with his dreadful wife who will probably never
come and visit.
“I thought Alexandra Jane Clark has a nice ring to it,” I say, keeping my eyes on the baby.
“Now you're talking,” roars James Senior at the addition of his wife's name to the one of his detested daughter in law.
Ten bends over to kiss me and whispers, “Nicely played, partner. ”
After what seems an eternity, a nurse comes and chases them out. Ten accompanies them to the door.
I'm blissfully alone in my room and once the nurse has checked me out, I lower my hospital gown to start nursing Alexandra. I close my eyes and breathe in deep. There's this direct connection between the nipple and the shrinking uterus that is violent.
I finish nursing and Ten's not back yet. I guess his family is getting chatty. The door opens as I'm closing the nursing bra.
“Why?”
It's Alexander not Ten. He looks a mess. He stands at the foot of my bed and says, “I want to kill the bastard. He should have called me months ago. ”
I don't know if he's talking about his brother or about Ten but I don't care. I shush him, “Please lower your voice, you’ll scare the baby. ”
“Why?” he asks again more softly.
“Why what?”
“Why didn't you let me know?”
“If you're joking, this is not funny,” I say.
“Damn right, it's not funny. Didn't you read the note I left you?”
“No and I didn't open the box either. They are probably still in the drawer of my nightstand. ”
“You didn't even look at it? Why?”
“Because there is nothing that you could possibly have written that would have taken away the pain you inflicted when you left. ”
“But I wrote that I would always love you. ” It takes all my will power not to scream at him. “I wrote that I wanted to spend my life with you. ”
“Right, you said that to me that last night and then you waited for me to fall asleep to run out like a coward. ” I'm talking as softly as I can because of the baby. What I really want is to scream at the top of my lungs.
“There was more to it. I love you and you know that if you had told me you were pregnant again there was no way anyone could have kept me away. I would have done the right thing,” he whisper-shouts.
“The right thing. ” I repeat shaking my head. He nods frantically. “Oh Alex, have you ever understood anything about me at all?” He looks absolutely clueless so I guess not. I need to spell it out for him. “You know that I spent the first eighteen years of my life feeling unwanted and unwelcome every single day. ”
He's listening intently, maybe for the first time, but he's still not getting it. “You realize that I hated every second of that life?” He nods. “Then how could you imagine I would consider for an instant living with a man who would stay with me because it was the right thing to do?”
Still, he's not getting it. “Alex, I want the man I live with to be by my side because he wants to be with me and not out of a sense of duty. ” There's a flicker of understanding in his eyes. Maybe, at last, he's starting to see my point of view.
“I want the man I live with to be happy to see me every morning when he wakes up and glad to come home to me at night. I could never settle for a man who will go through the motion while regretting some other life that he wished he could have had, and that's who you would have been. ” He looks broken but I'm too mad at him to let it go at that. “So reading your card couldn't have made a difference. Whatever it said you couldn't have changed my mind. You made it up for me when you left me. ”
“You should have read it, Love…”
I interrupt him. “And now you have no right to tell me about your regrets or to say that you feel miserable because you made your bed. ”
“And you can't call her ‘Love’ anymore,” Ten says. How long has he been standing there? Alexander turns around and looks at Ten and then back at me.
“Fine, I won't call you Love anymore. But please, don't shut me out. ” He looks at his daughter and says, “I never got a chance to see our first daughter. Please, let me be a part of this baby's life?”
Ten looks at me and shrugs. I understand that he's letting me decide. My mind is racing. I want to send him away but then again I can't see myself denying him access to his daughter. He's not a bad man. He's just … selfish and immature.
Ten looks at me wrestling with my conflicting feelings and comes up with a suggestion “He could be her Godfather. ” Alexander nods and looks at me.
I stare back at both of them. “I don’t want us to lie to her,” I say. They both frown at me. “Ten, you will be her father. She will have your name but she will be told that Alexander is not only her Godfather, that he’s also her biological father. ”
Ten thinks for a few second and then nods. Alexander breathes deeply and says, “Thank you. ” It's not a perfect solution but then it's not a perfect situation either.
“What did you decide to call her?”
“We're calling her after Ten's mother and grandmother,” I say.
“So what’s her name?” Alexander asks again.
“She's Alexandra Jane,” Ten answers and has an awakening when he sees Alexander smile for the first time since he's entered the room.
“Her Godfather approves, you couldn't have thought of a better name. ”
The look in Ten's eyes tells me louder than words that incredibly, somehow, he had not realized before this instant the irony of his choice.
“Alexander,” I say. “I’m tired now, I would appreciate it if you left us. ”
“Of course, I'll be on my way. May I kiss her before I go?”
Without giving me a chance to answer he leans over our daughter and puts his lips on her forehead. He's so close that I breathe him in. Nothing conjures up memories more sharply than the sense of smell for me. His smell is so sweet, it’s pure torture. As he raises his eyes to me, I shake my head and he knows better than to touch me. But the damage is done. Scar tissue is bleeding again.
Ten studies me as I watch Alex walk out. When the door closes he says, “Seeing him still hurts. ” It's not a question, he can see it my eyes.
I don't hide it but I let him know how much I believe in him. “I'll be fine. You're gonna make it all better. Right?”
“Yes, dear. I'm your husband now and it's my duty to make it better,” he says. I think I see relief in his eyes. He's happy that I don't lie to him but still my honesty is probably hard on him.
***
PART THREE
1981 - 1983
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
There's this feeling of déjà vu as I look around the living room that we just finished getting party ready.
Déjà vu with a major difference. The 1979 Andy was already drunk at that time. The 1980 version of Andy is only lightly buzzed as he goes about placing ashtrays in the strategic places. True to his resolution, he's been drinking beer instead of scotch and the lighter drink agrees much better with him. There's another major difference. I'm no longer waiting for Alexander to come back home to me. The wait for Alexander is over. I'm with Ten now and tonight's the night.
We've been married almost two months and sleeping in the same bed. For the first month the most exciting thing I did was nursing Alexandra under Ten's watchful gaze. A few weeks later, after a check up, I reported that we had the doctor's green light for sex but Ten said it was too soon.
I was relieved and disappointed at the same time.
Ten’s been a perfect husband in every other way. He is true to his word. He promised me that we would be partners and we are. He consults with me on all his important decisions and he’s given me a power of attorney on all his accounts. I know precisely where we are financially and we’re actually doing very well.
The fact that James senior is paying for the au-pair girl for the first two years does make our life a lot easier.
Ten has also been an open book about his past. The only thing he’s been discreet about is Giovanni. He confessed, “He�
�s my Alexander. I’ll keep the scar of that relationship but the wound is closed. ”
Slowly the nature of my love for him has shifted. Sometimes I wake up at night and watch him sleep. I long for him to touch me. The more we wait the more I actually want him to want me. I realize he was right to make us wait.
Last week I asked him if we were ever going to consummate our marriage and he grinned at me in such a way that I understood it was what he had wanted all along. He had been waiting for me to ask him.
“How does New Year’s eve sound?” he answered.
“Like an eternity away,” I said and for my eagerness had been treated to a toe curling kiss. His erection was pressed along my leg and I almost reached out for him but then I remembered what he had said, “In bed, I'll be your boss and you'll be my plaything. ” I had to let him take the initiative and he had said New Year’s Eve so I waited.
Every night since then there’s been a lot of kissing and hugging and touching. He gets me all worked up and then, when I’m really hot and bothered, he says “New Year’s Eve…”
The man is devilishly manipulative when it comes to sex.
So tonight there's a lump in my chest as I'm simultaneously looking forward to and dreading the last stroke of midnight.
Andy's totally oblivious to my state of mind. He's in his own bubble because he thinks he's going to score tonight. He's invited Mary-Ann, the cute woman that was in the judge's office when Ten and I were married. I had thought at the time that she was the clerk but she's turned out to be younger than I imagined. She's a college student working part time as an administrative assistant and not a law school graduate acting as a clerk.