“Do you want this?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” He was stalling for time. I knew him well enough by now to recognize that.
“This baby. Me. This family. Is it what you want?”
“Of course.” An automated response.
“Then why aren’t you happy?”
He blinked. “I’m twenty-one,” he said, as if the number explained everything.
“And I’m nineteen.”
“Can I just ask you something?”
The way he asked and the look in his eyes made me uneasy. I knew whatever came next was going to be something I didn’t like, something I didn’t want to hear. “Yes,” I said, mentally preparing myself.
“Did you do it on purpose?”
“Do what on purpose?”
“Get pregnant,” he said. “Did you get pregnant on purpose?”
I blinked. The room felt like it was spinning. I couldn’t believe he was actually asking me that question, that it would even cross his mind. “Of course not. Why would you even think that?”
“Timing,” he said, sitting on the bed next to me but far enough away so that we weren’t touching. “I know how much you hate the hours I’ve been working and I know part of you still doesn’t trust me. So when you told me you were pregnant… I thought maybe you did it on purpose, to make sure I didn’t feel tempted to cheat.”
“You cheated because of Harper,” I pointed out. “You cheated on me because I was too busy taking care of our baby to give you everything you needed. I wouldn’t think having another baby would make you want to stay, Adam. I think the opposite.” Pain crossed his face and I worried I might have struck a nerve, said something a little too harshly.
He looked at me, searched my eyes for the truth. He seemed satisfied with whatever he found there. “Okay,” he said. “I believe you. I’m sorry.” He forced a smile. “So I guess I’m going to be a dad again, huh?”
“I guess so,” I replied, but felt nothing when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug. I wasn’t mad that he’d thought that. I was just… there wasn’t really a word that I knew to describe how I was feeling.
We were in trouble. I’d known that for a long time, but I’d been an expert at avoiding it until now. We were in trouble and things weren’t going to get better without a fight.
Chapter 36
I went to Bella Vista the day after Christmas. It seemed like the best place to bide my time, let the day pass. Adam went to work.
Mason and Cynthia had been invited to the Montgomery’s both days but declined. Cynthia hadn’t been feeling well and Mason was hiding his worry with lots of smiles and nonstop talking.
“We have names picked out,” he announced as we sat around the kitchen table to exchange gifts. I’d gotten them mostly stuff for the babies, figuring they wanted and needed those things more than anything for themselves. They’d gotten Harper a new stuffed bear and a few outfits, a book for me.
“Really?” I asked, surprised. Last I’d talked to them they’d still been unsure.
Mason nodded. “We’re naming the boy Grant, after Cynthia’s dad. I wasn’t too happy about it at first but we do owe the guy a lot and Grant isn’t such a bad name. Heidi for a girl.”
I vaguely remembered telling Cynthia I liked the name Heidi. That conversation felt like decades ago. I smiled brightly. “That’s wonderful.”
“I’m starting to look forward to it,” he admitted. “It’s going to be interesting, having two babies sleeping in the room with us. But we’ll figure something out since breaking the wall down isn’t really an option right now. I’m hoping we have another good summer so we can pay this loan off a little faster, maybe look into getting a place.”
“Your own place would be nice,” I agreed. Harper picked up her new stuffed bear and ran off down the hallway. I watched her go, feeling too tired to chase her.
“She’s fine,” Mason said. “All the doors are closed and locked. She’s not going to get into anything.”
“I’m just tired lately,” I admitted. “I swear it seems like she has a sudden burst of energy she didn’t have before.”
“Terrible twos,” he said with a chuckle. “Why are you so tired, not getting enough sleep?”
I bit my lip. Telling Mason about my pregnancy was the last thing I wanted to do. I’d actually prefer relating the news to Declan and Lila at the same time to this. There was nothing Mason was going to say that would be even slightly positive.
“Lainey,” Mason said in a warning voice. “You’re going to tell me something I’m not going to like, aren’t you?”
“What gave you that idea?”
“The look on your face. What’s going on?”
“Nothing! I’m allowed to be tired, you know.”
He shook his head, not buying it. “Tell me.”
“Mason.”
“Tell me.”
“I’m pregnant.” The words left my mouth and hung in the air. Mason stared at me, his jaw clenched and his eyes hardening. The fact he was saying nothing at all was worse than the words I’d been expecting.
“This better be a joke,” he said finally. Harper chose that moment to wander back into the kitchen, dragging her bear by the ear.
“Mama, I’m hungry,” she complained, rubbing her stomach for emphasis.
“Okay,” I said, jumping up and grabbing her on the way to the cabinet. I pulled out a pack of crackers and sat her on the counter while I handed them to her. She watched me closely as she ate, trying to read my emotions. I kept them as blocked as I could from her.
Mason still said nothing, sitting as still as a statue in his chair. The only sound in the room was Harper chewing and she finished her snack within a few minutes, returning the room to silence. I gave her a few sips of juice from her Sippy cup and carried her out of the kitchen and down the hallway to Cynthia and Mason’s room.
“I’m going to need you to hang out with Aunt Cynthia for a little while, okay?” I told her as we stood outside the door. “Mommy needs to talk to Uncle Mason.”
“Not tired,” she whined.
“You don’t have to nap,” I promised, knowing fully well she would. She always fell asleep when left to her own devices for too long. She liked interaction with others more than entertaining herself.
I opened the bedroom door and poked my head in. Cynthia was sitting up in bed, resting a remote on her large stomach. I explained that Harper wanted to visit with her for a little while and hurried out as quickly as I could, not wanting to get involved in a conversation. I felt bad, but this couldn’t wait.
“Say something,” I urged as I took my seat across from Mason. He stared at me, his blue eyes steely.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Anything. Anything nice, anyway.”
“There’s nothing nice to say about this. What the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t,” I said. “I missed a few pills and it happened.”
“Having a kid at sixteen didn’t encourage you to be extra careful about taking your birth control?” He demanded. “What the hell, Lainey! This is serious. You’re nineteen years old, barely passing your first semester of college. You and Adam aren’t married or even engaged at this point, not to mention he cheated on you the second your first kid was born. Are you keeping it?”
“Of course I’m keeping it,” I said. “And it was an accident, Mason.”
“When are you going to stop?” He demanded.
“Stop?” I repeated. “Stop what?”
“Pretending.”
“I’m not pretending.”
“When I first came to Haven, you and Adam seemed solid. Maybe not head over heels, but pretty damn good for your situation. After he cheated, you lost that light in your eyes when you looked at him. And regardless of what you might think, you never got that light back. And I’m not so sure he did, either.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” I argued.
“Am I?”
; “Yes! Adam and I are living the lives of people much older than ourselves. We have a little girl and another baby on the way. I’m trying to get through college and he’s working a full-time job. We don’t have time to be head over heels in love.”
“Nolan died two years ago today,” Mason said suddenly.
“I know. Why are you bringing that up?”
“Because if Nolan hadn’t died, do you think you and Adam would have gotten back together? You were pretty set on being broken up before he died.”
“I was hurt.”
“You were getting over it. You moved back in with Adam right after Nolan died and got back together right before you could move back in here. If Nolan had lived, you would have had more reason to stay apart.”
“I wasn’t in love with Nolan!” I was practically yelling now, feeling myself begin to lose control. “I loved him, yes. But I was not in love with him. He and Hannah were getting back together and I was happy about that! I wanted that for them.”
“I know,” Mason said, his voice growing quieter. “I’m not saying you were in love with him, Lainey. I’m just saying that maybe you’re afraid of being alone. Maybe you’re with Adam because the alternative is too scary. And maybe you missed those pills because in the back of your mind you were worried you were losing him.”
“I can’t believe you just said that,” I whispered, standing up. “I would never do that. Not to Adam, not to myself and sure as hell not to this innocent baby. They deserve better.”
“Lainey, sit down. We need to talk this through.”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I have nothing left to say.” I felt tears blur my eyes as I hurried back to Cynthia’s bedroom. I threw the door open and picked Harper up, mumbling an apology as I hurried out of the room and down the hall. I walked through the front doors, ignoring the sounds of Mason calling after me.
Harper began to cry and I did my best to comfort her as I buckled her into the car seat and got behind the steering wheel. I made it halfway down the street before I pulled off to the side and buried my face in my hands, sobbing.
I felt more alone than I had in my entire life.
Chapter 37
I took Harper to the one place I never thought I would – the cemetery.
I’d only been there once, a year earlier. Hannah and I had gone there to leave flowers on Nolan’s grave, but ended up leaving them by a tree a few feet away. Michelle Reeves was at the grave when we’d arrived, sitting down and crying. We’d been so stunned by the sight of her we’d run off.
Today there was no one there. Michelle moved away after the divorce and I doubted she would make the trip back just to visit a headstone. I couldn’t blame her for that.
“Do you know who’s here?” I asked Harper as I sat down on the grass next to the headstone, motioning for her to look at it. It was a beautiful one, pale grey stone with Nolan Reeves – Beloved Son engraved on it.
“No,” she said, shaking her head. The wind blew her dark hair around her shoulders, some strands sticking to her lips. She giggled and batted them away.
“His name was Nolan,” I explained to her gently. “He would have been your uncle and he loved you very, very much.”
“Nolan,” she repeated, patting the headstone. “Uncle Nolan?”
“Yes. He was Daddy’s best friend. Mommy’s, too. Aunt Hannah loved him a lot.”
“Where he go?” She asked and that was where I was stuck. I didn’t want to explain death to my beautiful two and a half year old daughter. I didn’t want her to face the reality that sometimes people left, whether by choice or otherwise. She was too young and too innocent to deal with that.
“Heaven,” I said, the easiest answer I could come up with. “At least that’s what I was told. Except for Grandpa Michael. Know what he told Mommy about what happens when people have to leave?”
“What?” Harper asked.
I lifted the sleeve of my jacket and pointed to the star tattoo on my wrist. “See this?” I asked. She tapped it with her pointer finger.
“Pretty star,” she confirmed.
“Right, pretty star. Well, Grandpa Michael told Mommy that when people have to leave, they become stars and watch over us. So next time you look up at the stars, say hi to Uncle Nolan, okay? He misses you.”
“Okay!” She agreed, wrapping her arms around my neck and giving me a wet kiss on the cheek. I laughed and pulled her close to me, breathing in the mixture of lavender baby shampoo and grape juice.
“I love you more than anything in the world. You know that, don’t you Harper Grace?”
“Yes,” she confirmed. “I love you too Mama.”
“Good.” I smoothed her hair back and sighed. Her violet eyes sparkled with excitement and joy and open enthusiasm for life. She’d only been a part of this world for less than three years and she had a spark to her I wasn’t sure I’d ever had.
No matter what happened in the future, no matter what truth I was forced to face next, I would protect her. If the sky decided to fall in over us, I would cover her. She was mine, the one person in this world that truly belonged to me, that I truly belonged to.
“Is Nolan coming back?” Harper wanted to know, petting the headstone again.
“No,” I said with a sad smile. “Nolan isn’t going to come back, baby. But if we believe he’s a star he’s always with us, right? Just because we can’t see the stars during the day doesn’t mean they aren’t there, so just because we can’t see Nolan doesn’t mean he isn’t here. Does that make sense?”
She nodded even though there was little chance she understood. I appreciated her effort.
We sat there for a while longer, her in my lap, staring at the headstone like we were waiting for something. I looked up in surprise when I heard footsteps approaching us. It was Henry Reeves.
“Lainey,” he said gruffly, hands in the pockets of his blazer. “I wasn’t expecting to find you here.”
I stood up, pulling Harper to her feet at the same time. “Just paying my respects, Sir,” I said. “We were just leaving.”
He nodded, holding an arm out and stopping us as we got closer to him. “Um, Lainey?”
“Yeah?” I asked, squeezing Harper’s hand.
“My son, um,” he cleared his throat. “Was he happy? The last few months of his life, I mean? My wife and I, we were upset with him for leaving school and didn’t spend much time with him towards the end…”
“He was happy,” I confirmed. “And he knew you two would get over it. He didn’t dwell on any of that.”
Henry nodded, a sadness shining in his eyes. “I miss him,” he said. “He was my only son.”
“I know.” I bit my lip and let go of Harper’s hand, stepping towards Henry and wrapping my arms around him in a hug. He tensed immediately, not expecting the contact. I felt his body slowly relax and he patted my back awkwardly. Harper wrapped her arms around his leg, joining in on the hug.
I pulled away and smiled softly at him. “He loved you,” I said. “He wanted to make you proud.”
“He did,” Henry said, blinking tears from his eyes. “He made me proud every day of his life. I was just too proud to admit it to him.”
“He knows,” I reassured him. “If there’s anything I know right now, it’s that he knows you love him and were proud of him.”
“Thank you, Lainey,” Henry said. He flashed me one more smile and stepped past me, heading towards the grave.
“Mr. Reeves?” I called after him. He turned around.
“Yeah?”
“Um, do you think Adam’s hours are going to calm down at all, now that he’s been there a few months?” It felt like an incredibly inappropriate thing to ask, but I needed to know. I needed to know if Adam had really been at work all those times he claimed he was.
Henry shook his head apologetically. “Afraid not,” he said. “I know I’ve been working him to the bone lately, but he’s a good kid with a good work ethic. I’m hoping to shape him into the kind of man that can
take over one day. But I’ll try to go a little easier on him, okay?”
I smiled, relief flooding through my veins. Harper reached for my hand and I took it in mine, squeezing her tiny fingers. “Thank you,” I whispered.
“Have a good evening, Lainey.”
“You too, Mr. Reeves.” I looked down at Harper, who was looking back up at me with my mother’s eyes. “Ready to go home?” I asked.
“Yes!” She said enthusiastically. I smiled at her, grateful that no matter how bad things felt at any given moment she was there to lift my spirits back up.
Chapter 38
New Year’s Eve.
Hannah called in the morning to say she and Jared had broken up via text message and she wasn’t coming home yet. Nora was doing fine, less miserable than she’d been in Haven and dating someone new. Hannah was enjoying her stay.
Adam and I opted not to have plans. It was becoming a bit of tradition, considering the past few years. We put Harper to bed at her regular time and watched movies until he fell asleep around eleven. I got up and began cleaning because that was what I did best.
I’d been in a bad mood since Christmas. First Adam accusing me of getting pregnant on purpose, then Mason. And the fact that three thousand miles away my mom was getting married didn’t help. All these thoughts rambled around my head so quickly I started to worry it would explode.
I went outside for air and that made everything worse. A light went on in the house next door, 329 Ocean Avenue. Déjà vu washed over me. It was hard to believe Declan had moved in nearly three months earlier. It was even harder to believe he was back already.
I checked on Adam and found him still asleep, his mouth hanging open. I bit my lower lip and contemplated my next move. I could wake Adam up, help him to bed and crawl in beside him. Or I could go next door and see Declan for the first time in a week. Or I could continue cleaning and ignore both of them.
It took me five minutes to make up my mind and less than one to put my jacket on and walk to Declan’s house. I knocked on his door once and he opened it a split second later. He didn’t seem surprised to see me. Just happy.
The Edge of Everything (The Haven Series) Page 15