He continues. “You have a distorted body image, Parker. Your self-esteem is all wrapped up in your weight and appearance and body image. When you look in the mirror, it’s like you’re in a funhouse. You see someone fat, and no matter how much weight you lose, no matter how skinny you get, you’ll always see someone fat, until … there’s nothing left of you. Until … you’re … gone.”
This gets my attention.
“We have a lot of work to do, Parker. We’re going to change this distorted body image. We’re going to rebuild your self-esteem. We’re going to teach you about nutrition, healthy eating, forming a better relationship with food. We’re going to show you how to express your feelings. We’re going to teach you better ways to cope with stress than by binging and purging. Are you ready to work on all these things, Parker?”
“Yes,” I say.
I mean it.
27 days after
Danielle
My poem wins the Ida and Max Cohen Award
for New Voices in Literature by Jewish Teens.
Mom and Dad make a big deal out of it.
Dad hangs my plaque in the living room.
Mom frames my poem next to it.
It’s the first time I’ve ever won anything.
The first time I’ve earned first place.
Parker takes me out to dinner.
To the Japanese restaurant
under Myrna Katz and Associates.
“I hear the spicy salmon rolls
are to die for,” he says with a wink.
75 days after
Parker
I still binge sometimes. Dr. Morrow calls them relapses. He says they’re okay. He says I shouldn’t beat myself up over them.
But, even though I binge, I don’t purge anymore.
Purging hurt me. The acid from my stomach wore out the enamel on my teeth, tore up my esophagus, and nearly gave me an ulcer. It messed up the electrolyte balance in my body, because every time I threw up, I got rid of important stuff my body needed, like potassium, chloride, and sodium. It screwed up my blood sugar and my metabolism.
I failed AP Calculus.
I didn’t get into HYP.
In a few weeks, everyone will go off to college, except me. I’m taking time off.
We’re all taking time off.
Dad’s okay. He’s in remission. He makes a point of talking to me every day.
It’s not always significant. Sometimes it’s just about the weather.
Today, though, he says, “We’re in a class all by ourselves, Parker, you and me. We’re medical miracles, statistical sensations, disease deviants.”
I’m used to Dad’s jokes about our cancer and bulimia being “girl things.” Mom says making fun of them is his way of accepting them.
Dad’s expression gets serious. “It’s not true,” he says softly. “What I told you about success and failure.”
“I know,” I say.
He hugs me close. I hug him back.
Like Dad, I’ll never be totally cured.
I’ll always have issues with food.
Every day, I ignore the voice inside me that tells me I’m fat, I’m a failure, I’m worthless.
I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life.
But I’m in a better place now.
I just need to do one more thing.
–––––
I ring her doorbell. She comes to the door. I ask, “Julianne, will you go out with me?”
Author’s Note
Although an estimated ten million girls and women in the United States suffer from eating disorders, an estimated one million boys and men do, too. And the number of male sufferers rises every year.
One out of every four people suffering from anorexia is a male; one out of every eight people suffering from bulimia is a male. Boys and men are less likely to seek treatment because they’re often too embarrassed to ask for help. Athletes—runners, swimmers, dancers, rowers, gymnasts, and wrestlers—are particularly susceptible to bulimia. Because eating disorders are so associated with females, males may tend to be overlooked when they show symptoms of them.
Bulimia is a mental disorder. Bulimics binge and purge large quantities of food, often experiencing a worsening progression of obsessive-compulsive behaviors that may include hoarding, lying, and stealing. They may also abuse laxatives and diet pills, fast, and exercise excessively.
Although the first incident of binging and purging may happen by accident, the binge-purge cycle becomes a way for bulimics to avoid feelings of anxiety, stress, depression, rejection, or intimacy. They turn to food for comfort, like many people do, but when a bulimic binges, this comfort is only temporary. Bulimics must purge to relieve themselves of the guilt of their binge. Their failure to control their binge undermines their self-esteem, and because their self-esteem is defined by their weight and appearance, a binge is the worst thing they can do to themselves. Bulimics become trapped in an endless, addictive cycle of binging and purging.
Many bulimics find the act of purging more soothing than binging, and will often binge just to purge. Why do they find purging so soothing? Several reasons: (1) it acts as a release, especially of anger; (2) it returns them to control after losing control during a binge; (3) it can be a form of self-punishment; (4) it protects them from dreaded weight gain; and (5) it frees them from dieting.
Bulimics know their behaviors are abnormal, but they don’t know how to stop them. Because of this awareness, they often feel depressed, ashamed, lonely, isolated, helpless, and guilty. They avoid close relationships. Bulimia can destroy their social interactions. They suffer in secret. Like alcoholics, they usually deny it to themselves and others. Their lives often feel out of control. They try to regain control by controlling their bodies.
Bulimics usually have low self-esteem and an exaggerated need to obtain approval from others. They have distorted body images. Though bulimia affects men and women of all races and classes, bulimics tend to be high achievers and perfectionists. Their families may put pressure on them to succeed.
While anorexics—people who starve themselves—are visibly thin, bulimics may not necessarily be skinny. They can lose weight, gain weight, or fluctuate. This makes it even harder to help them.
If not stopped, bulimia can cause life-threatening conditions such as kidney damage, stomach rupture, seizures, and heart failure. Treatment for bulimia consists of behavior therapy and sometimes medication, too.
Many bulimics struggle for years or a lifetime with their disease. I compressed Parker’s battle into a few months for the sake of my story.
For more information about eating disorders, please contact:
National Eating Disorders Association
www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Academy for Eating Disorders
www.aedweb.org
Anorexia Nervosa and Related Eating Disorders, Inc.
www.anred.com
Eating Disorders Anonymous
www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org
Overeaters Anonymous
www.oa.org
© Joel L. Friedman
About the Author
Robin Friedman has worked as a children’s book editor, a newspaper reporter, and an advertising copywriter. She is currently the special projects editor at the New Jersey Jewish News, and lives in New Jersey with her husband, Joel, and their cats, Peppercorn and Peaches. Robin has written over a hundred articles on topics such as road rage, flirting, being nice, and the prom. She is the author of The Girlfriend Project, The Silent Witness: A True Story of the Civil War, and How I Survived My Summer Vacation: And Lived to Write the Story. Visit her at robinfriedman.com.
Nothing Page 10