by Mariah Jones
I stood up beside the bed and began winding the sheet around me. I thought I was in the clear until I realized that one corner of the sheet was still under Thorne. I exhaled sharply. I tugged at it and it came free a little at a time, but I was afraid I would wake him by my repeated pulling, so I thought it would be better if I did it all at once, like a Band-Aid. I grabbed up a handful of sheet and gave it a quick tug. To my horror, the sheet wasn’t the only thing that broke free of the bed.
When I pulled the sheet free, the force caused Thorne to roll the other direction, promptly throwing him off the edge of the bed. There were two loud thuds. The first of which was caused by him hitting his head on my nightstand, the second, him hitting the floor.
I gathered the sheet around me and rushed to his side. He sat on the floor rubbing the back of his head looking around as though he were lost. “Oh my Gosh,” I said frantically. “I am so sorry Thorne!”
He offered me a lazy smile. “I much prefer the smell of coffee as my wake-up call,” he joked.
“Right,” I agreed. “I’ll go make some.” I stumbled over my hard won sheet on the way out the door and nearly fell on my face.
As I headed into the kitchen, I noticed the message light on my answering machine was blinking again. “Katie, Katie,” I said under my breath, but when the voice began, I froze, nearly dropping the bag of coffee beans I held.
“Darcy,” the voice began. “It’s Andrew. Andrew Clark. I know it’s been a long time, but I am in town and I thought we might be able to meet. It would be great to see you. My number is…”
Darcy looked around for a couple of seconds. Blinking, but not seeing. What would Andrew be doing in town? Oh well, she considered rationally. How much trouble could one expect from a man of the Lord?
Chapter Fourteen
And then there were men
The following week was an extremely busy one for Cupcake. The wedding cake orders were piling up and everyone in the shop was overloaded with tasks that needed to be completed. Thorne was gone for the week in Seattle, attending an art conference. We had spent every possible moment together until his flight left, and even though he had only been gone for a couple of days I missed him terribly already.
While there were so many things at the business to be done, I still found it hard to concentrate on my work. Part of it was paranoia. What if he met someone else while he was in Seattle? What if he met another artist and they hit it off? What if she was skinny and perfect and knew all the things about the art world that I didn’t? I told myself to stop being ridiculous and worrying about nothing, but I also knew that I couldn’t. For the first time in my life things were going exactly the way I wanted them to and I was so afraid that something would come about to change that.
The phone call from Andrew had unnerved me. I told myself in the beginning I wasn’t going to worry about it. In fact, by the end of that first day when I had gotten his message, I resolved myself to the idea that I was going to ignore it. I would leave the past in the past, where it belonged. I was forging ahead with a new life and seeing a wonderful man and I wouldn’t allow this to interfere.
Still, thinking of Andrew had brought back some long buried emotions and memories. As I was icing cupcakes, I was thinking what nerve he had to even call me. He had been the one who left me heartbroken and alone. He was the one who decided that his devout faith meant more than our relationship. I hadn’t heard from him since he officially joined the church. Not so much as a letter or a single word.
I couldn’t help but be curious about what he wanted, but on the other hand it made my blood boil to think that he would expect me to drop everything I was doing and come see him. I thought everything we had to say to each other had already been said a long time ago.
“Shut up,” I told my mind out loud. Jenny looked up at me from the batter she was mixing and cocked an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. I smiled at her as if to say “I’m fine.” She shook her head at me and returned to her duties.
I thought of taking a couple days off to give my mind a break and allow myself a chance to absorb all the changes that happened in my life recently. Then the orders started flowing and I knew I couldn’t leave my sister and Jenny to deal with everything.
Thorne called regularly throughout the week to tell me about the things he had seen and done. He seemed excited and I was happy for him, but I wished I was with him. I wouldn’t have known one piece of art from another, but I would’ve been happy to be with him anywhere. Every time I heard his voice it sent a stab of loneliness through my heart. I couldn’t wait for him to return.
My mother called regularly as well. It was getting harder for me to keep my relationship with Thorne a secret. I wasn’t even sure why I didn’t want to tell my mom. Perhaps I was afraid if things didn’t work out she would be disappointed in me. Or maybe it was pure selfishness and I just wasn’t ready to share Thorne with anyone else. I had even been reluctant to talk to Katie, although it was apparent to her that things between he and I were becoming more serious.
By Friday I was half crazed with excitement for Thorne’s return. At lunch I took a walk down the street to the small deli I frequented. I sipped a cup of espresso as I waited for my lunch to be prepared. I was reading the new additions to their rapidly expanding menu, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned, immediately convinced Thorne had returned home early, and gasped when I saw Andrew looking into my face instead.
“I looked you up and found out you were in this neighborhood,” Andrew admitted. “I thought I would grab a quick bite and then come see you.”
I cleared my throat. I was feeling such an array of emotions at that moment my speech nearly betrayed me. I cleared my throat again, testing the ability of my voice. “It’s good to see you,” I said genuinely. It was. It surprised me that after a couple of moments the anger I had initially experienced subsided. I noticed two things about him immediately. First, he had lost an apparent amount of weight. His face was not chubby as it had been the last time I saw him, giving him less of a boyish and more of a manlier appearance. Secondly, I noticed the lack of a clerical collar around his neck.
We took our lunches and had a seat at the outdoor café area. I unwrapped my sandwich and as soon as the smell of roasted turkey and melting cheese hit my nose I lost my appetite. So much for simply ignoring Andrew, I wasn’t given much of a choice. “What are you doing in town?” I finally mustered the necessary courage to ask.
Andrew clasped his hands behind his head and uttered a nervous laugh. I folded the paper back over my sandwich and looked into the face of the man I had once expected to marry.
“You were right,” he said simply. I waited for a moment and when it didn’t appear he was going to elaborate, I prodded further.
“Right about what?” I inquired.
“All of it,” Andrew said. His face was pointed toward the sun and his eyes were closed. I couldn’t tell if he was in pain or just struggling to find words.
“When I left, my faith was strong. I was younger and anxious to make a difference in the world. I truly thought God was calling me into his service. I thought I had a vocation. I began to have doubts about whether committing my life to the service of the church was what I was really meant to do. I prayed a lot and eventually came to a certainty that it wasn’t. Not in the manner I had thought.”
I stared at him blankly. My stomach felt like a washing machine on spin cycle and my head felt dizzy and disconnected. This was what I had prayed for. That Andrew would return and say he had been wrong and life would go back to the way it had been before he ever left. I considered Thorne and a sharp pang of guilt shot through me for even having the thought. I looked at my watch. I was already later than I told Jenny I would be. I hoped everything was going smoothly. I wasn’t sure even if our conversation was over that my legs would have supported me. They seemed to have turned to gelatin.
“So you left the church?” I stuttered.
“I requested a leave for a few months w
hile I considered my options. I found upon reentry to the world outside the church, that there were plenty of things I could do to help people outside the confines of the world I had come to know. I learned during my service to the Lord that the only way to beat a demon is head-on,” Andrew said.
I nearly snorted nonfat chai latte out my nose. I couldn’t help but think of The Exorcist. I looked away at the busy street until I felt my composure return. “Forgive me,” I said. “This is a lot to absorb.”
Andrew nodded. “I realize that and I’m sorry. I would have contacted you before now but I had to wait for the church to release me from my vows. I have thought of little else in the last few months other than meeting with you and seeing your face again. At first I felt guilty for leaving the church. I felt God would be disappointed in me and I struggled each day with what I should do.”
I nodded, wondering where this conversation was headed. Simultaneously, I wondered why I felt so nervous. I absentmindedly played with a loose string on the hem of my left sleeve. My latte was getting cold and my patience was wearing thin.
“I came to understand that I had never devoted myself fully to the Lord or the service of the church because I couldn’t promise all of myself to God when my heart still belonged to another.”
Andrew looked straight into my eyes and I froze like a deer in the headlights. His admission had startled me. Sure, after he first left I had hoped for it. A more narcissistic part of me had wished he would regret leaving me. But now, so long after I had healed from our breakup, my emotions were anything but overjoyed.
“I was very much in love with you, Darcy. There have been a lot of changes in both of our lives, but that has never changed. I thought of you every night when I went to sleep and every morning when I woke.”
I sat in stunned silence for more than a minute before the awful realization that Andrew was expecting a response from me registered with my overly-inflated brain. “Oh,” I finally managed, lamely.
He attempted to smile, but the gesture betrayed his true emotion. It looked nervous and frightened rather than happy. He ran a hand over his short hair and I watched as his fingers left little tracks over his scalp like the rows in a corn field. He adjusted the collar of his sweater and I noticed his face seemed unusually red. I wanted badly to end his misery and just tell him all we could be was friends. I wanted to wish him the best and send him on his way. Somehow, I couldn’t find the words for that or much else.
My fight or flight response was activating. “I’m s-sorry,” I stammered. “I have to get back to work. I uhm, can we…can we talk later?” I finally choked out.
He looked uncertain at first; as though he thought I might leave the country or something. He took my ice-cold hand in his warmer one and stood as well. “I know this must be a shock. I wish I could have thought of a better way. I was headed down to your bakery after lunch to talk to you anyway. I called your mom and she gave me the directions,” he said, gesturing to his pocket.
I said nothing, but felt a surge in the temperature of my blood. My mother, of course she would have been the one he would contact. I kicked myself for not telling her about Thorne. Maybe this entire situation could have been averted. I looked at the nervous man before me and my heart broke a little. After the initial anger at him for leaving me subsided, I never wanted anything but good for him. Now I would have no choice but to hurt him. I shuddered at the thought.
“When can I see you again?” he asked with a measure of desperation apparent in his tone.
“I, I don’t know,” I said quietly.
“Tonight,” he said. “Come have dinner with me tonight, please.”
My mind and heart were both racing, and before I knew it I had agreed to meet him around seven for dinner. I made a hasty exit, nearly tripping over my own feet as I hurried down the street toward the bakery.
***
Other than Jenny and Katie, the bakery was blessedly empty when I returned. I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the glass pane of the door as I entered Cupcake. My face had gone ghostly white and it was obvious from my red, puffy eyes that I had been crying. It was strange; I hadn’t even realized there had been tears until that moment.
Katie looked up when I walked in and immediately rushed to my side. “What’s going on?” she asked, concerned.
I paused for a moment while trying to collect my thoughts. “What happened?” She asked again. I leaned against the counter for support, my legs still feeling shaky.
“Andrew is back in town,” I said, not sure I could say any more at that moment.
When I looked up Katie’s face had gone as white as my own.
“Oh shit,” she said.
I couldn’t have summed it up better myself.
Chapter Fifteen
A former priest, a fat chick and a nosy broad walk into a bar…
Thorne called that evening shortly after I left Cupcake for the day. I tried to sound like everything was normal, but as usual; I was betrayed by the underlying current in my voice. “What’s bothering you?” he asked, a few minutes into the conversation.
I said nothing for a moment. Listening to the static in the receiver and trying to organize my thoughts. I thought of the progress we had made in our relationship up to that point and wondered if it would be too soon to tell him the truth about something so big. On the other hand, if I lied about what was going on and he found out, it might end things even sooner. I decided I had no choice.
I told him about running into Andrew and about him leaving the church. I also told him I had every intention of setting him straight. Thorne was silent as he listened to everything I had to say. I began to worry that he was growing angry at me. Maybe he would just hang up and that would be the last time I ever heard from him, I thought. It petrified me.
When he spoke again I let out a sigh of relief. “I couldn’t agree more. I think it’s important for you to go tonight. You have a right to tell him how you feel. He was the one who left, not you. You don’t have anything to feel guilty about,” Thorne said, calmly.
The fact that he was being so understanding was wonderful, but it somehow made me feel even worse. Here was this wonderful man I was falling head-over-heels for, and he was in Seattle while I was going to dinner with another man.
“Are you angry with me?” I asked.
He laughed. “Angry? Why would I be angry with you? Darcy, I know how I feel about you. If you feel half as good about us as I do, I have nothing to worry about. I’m glad you told me this is going on. I wish I was there with you so I could help you through it, but no. I am not angry with you for anything. I decided to come back a day early though. I miss you too much and I don’t think I can stand it much longer.”
I smiled widely at that last bit of information. “You’ll be home tomorrow then?”
“I will. I’ll call you when my flight lands. I love you.”
My heart stopped. “Did you just say…”
“I love you Darcy Miller,” he repeated with emphasis.
“I love you too,” I answered, feeling my heart explode in a wonderful burst of emotion.
***
I was a tangle of different sensations as I got ready for dinner with Andrew. I was dreading the conversation we would soon be having. I knew I was about to hurt someone I cared for. Still, I felt lightheaded and giddy after hearing Thorne tell me he loved me for the first time. It was hard to reconcile the two polar-opposite emotions at the same time.
The restaurant Andrew had chosen for us to meet at was called Ivy’s, and had once, in what seemed like another lifetime, been a favorite date spot of ours. As I stepped out of my car, I thought this place as our meeting location may have been a mistake. The memories of us together seemed to become more tangible when I looked at the old familiar haunt of our previous years together.
I found Andrew already seated inside, nursing a steaming cup of coffee. He smiled and stood when he saw me. I returned his smile, although I felt sick to my stomach.
; Ivy’s hadn’t changed much since I had last seen it a couple of years before. It was a small place. Romantic and quiet with wall sconces above each table and soft music in the background. Not the kind of place I might have agreed to have this particular kind of conversation if I had been thinking with my head on straight.
“You look lovely,” Andrew said, taking my coat for me.
“You look very nice as well,” I commented, and he did. He wore a gray sweater with a black diamond pattern on its front. It made the green flecks in his eyes stand out. I was somewhat startled to realize how much his face had matured into that of a man during the few years he had been away. I chastised myself for admiring him and told myself to get back on track.