C.J. closed his eyes and bit down, taking the food directly from my hand. I watched, transfixed, as he chewed and swallowed. His mouth was full, his lips begging to be kissed, and I’d sampled his caresses earlier. He opened his lids and stared right back at me. Neither of us spoke for a few moments, and my heart kicked up a notch.
C.J. was seriously hot.
“Sharing implies you’re going to eat it, too.”
I took a bite, not taking my gaze off him. The chocolate tasted rich, dark, and heady. Eating my absolute favorite substance in the universe—or at least I suspected it was—did nothing to cool me down. If anything, it heightened every sense in my body.
“Thank you for the gift. I’ve never had one before.”
He touched the side of my face with a shaking hand. “I thought I’d killed you today.”
“How do you figure that?” I pressed my palm on top of his hand, holding him still. How or why C.J. thought he had any culpability in what happened was beyond me.
He took a loud, shuddering breath. “I put in you there. I should have walked in first. It didn’t look like a trap. I was convinced it was a totally benign find.”
“You could have had no way of knowing…”
“No.” His loud shout interrupted me and echoed in the room. I wasn’t scared of his temper. He wasn’t really yelling at me, but at life, at what happened, at how powerless he must have felt standing on the other side of the door, unable to get to me when the room detached from the ship.
I pressed my forehead to his, needing the contact as much as he did. It had been a very long day. “Listen to me. You couldn’t have known.”
“This isn’t my first day on the job. I know there are traps. I let myself be fooled by how old the ship seemed, by how easy everything went, by finally getting some alone time with you. I didn’t pay attention. I know you don’t like apologies, you just want results, but you need to let me tell you how sorry I am. You have to believe me when I say I can do better.”
With my forehead against his, kissing both his eyes wasn’t hard to do. I pulled away slightly and moved my lips to his cheeks, the top of his nose, his chin. His hands moved to my side, shaking slightly. C.J. seemed a bundle of nerves hidden in a big, strong, imposing body where no one would ever know how scared he could get.
Unless he wanted them to.
“I accept your apology, although I think you’re wrong to think you need to give it. I’m glad it was me and not you in there. Cooper rescued me. He might not have done that for you. Then what would we have done? Since he was there to save the day, neither me, nor the baby, were at risk. It’s all okay.”
C.J. pulled me into a tight hug and I let him. He leaned against the window and I pressed into him. Neither of us moved. Time passed. Eventually, his heart slowed. Still, neither of us made any effort to do anything more than hold each other.
Finally, I pulled away enough so I could stick the rest of the piece of chocolate in my mouth. He watched me chew through narrowed lids.
“Best gift ever.”
When he smiled, I felt like I’d won a battle. He’d come in to me on edge. All he needed was some time. I was more than happy to give it to him.
“You don’t remember this, obviously, but you and I have known each other our whole lives. Or most of them.”
“Really?” I loved that he volunteered information. I didn’t have to drag it out of him. “Tell me.”
“We’re both children of Nomads. Born on ships, raised in constant battle. We’d see each other once, maybe twice a year on The Bridge. Your mother is the general, the woman in charge of the whole revolution. Mine was her closest friend until she died ten years ago. From the second I could think about girls, you were all I imagined. Unlike some of the others here, I always understood that if I had a wife, I would share. I’m good with the creating a family group, of having brothers I’d give my life for.”
I grinned at him. “Did you finally tell me? Was it a big thing?”
C.J. shook his head, cocking his head slightly to the side. “One does not simply tell the rebel princess one is in love with her unless one wants to risk her publicly humiliating one.”
My smile disappeared and my ears rang instead. I saw the second he realized what he’d said upset me. “M. No, listen, that was a bad joke.”
“Brody, the kid on Hall, he called me the rebel princess. Is it because of my mother? And just how bad am I? I can see it, hell, feel it when I’m in Dane and Wes’ arms. I did not take proper care of their hearts. How could I let that happen? Why do people have me around if I’m a nightmare?”
As I spoke the words, my body began to shake. C.J tugged me in for a close hug. “I am so sorry. I didn’t know you were worried. I didn’t know you think you’re…bad. You’re tough, demanding. You’re not cruel unless you have to be. Wes, Dane, Nolan, Geoff…maybe Cooper, they’d all die for you. None of them would say they had any room for complaint. I can’t believe anyone would vocalize anything other than sheer happiness at your presence.”
I groaned. “They might not say it, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t any reason for complaint.”
“I didn’t tell you I loved you because I’m a chicken shit when it comes to this kind of thing. You had no idea. None. I watched you take Nolan and Geoff as husbands, and I wanted to explode, even though I was thrilled for them. They seemed like good guys. Then…one day I was tired of waiting. We were in the same space station at the same time. I got drunk—liquid courage—and I let you know in a bar how I’d been wanting you for so long.”
I wished I could remember. “What did I do?”
“You told me if I still felt the same way in six months, come find you and you’d think about it.”
I groaned and closed my eyes. What was the matter with me? Did I not care at all about other people? Why didn’t I immediately recognize how hard that must have been for him?
He finally finished. “When you docked Artemis next to the ship I was on four months later, and you asked me if I wanted some pie, it proved to be the best day of my life.”
“Pie? Do you particularly like pie?”
He grinned. “I do now.”
Why had I made him wait? Another mystery of my missing memories. “I’m so glad I did that.”
“Me too.”
I kissed him. Initiating the caress didn’t even scare me. He pressed his mouth to mine and I could taste the chocolate on his tongue when we fused together. When I ended the embrace, we were both breathing hard.
I didn’t have actual memories of him, but the same way I could tell by instinct what Dane and Wes needed, I understood some things about C.J. The more I got to know myself, the more I realized I actually wanted to give them what made them happy. To do so made me warm inside.
In the process, they seemed very keen to meet my desires, too.
I was a really lucky woman.
Stepping back, I smiled at him. “Think we could spend the whole night like this? Maybe we could fill the tub, share it.” I’d already showered but the idea of lying in a tub with him had little to nothing to do with actually getting clean. “Then be together on the bed, fall asleep, wake sometime in the middle of the night, find each other again?”
His brow furrowed and he moved away from the window. “All night?”
“Unless you don’t want to?” Had I read him wrong? Was he more of a quick in and out kind of a guy?
“I’ll go fill the tub. I’ve never done this before.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I mean, it sounds really…exactly right.”
Just because he’d always known he had to share didn’t mean we couldn’t be alone when we were together. I wanted to give C.J. all my attention. My mouth quirked as I thought about the hours ahead. His coming into my room made my bad mood flee.
I stripped off my clothes and followed him into the bathroom. He turned to look at me from where he sat on the edge of the tub and his mouth fell open. Of course I knew walking in naked was provocative. That had
“Maybe not so sexy with my big belly in the way?”
He stood. “Are you kidding?”
I eyed the water. “Going to get in?”
He pulled off his shirt and stripped out of his pants. My mouth went dry watching him. C.J. was one giant muscle. “We’re going to be tight in there. I’m not small.”
“Even better.”
There was power in knowing how much he wanted me—his cock stood at attention—and there was pleasure to be found in making him happy. If the other version of me didn’t know these things, then she was lesser for it.
When he was fully in the tub, I stepped into it, letting the warm water drape my body. I couldn’t get my tummy fully covered, which was fine. I leaned back on C.J.’s body until we were stretched out together, me on top of him, his cock pressed into my ass.
After a while, he moved his hand until he traced small circles over my stomach. When the baby jumped under his hand, he laughed quietly in my ear. “If you like this, we’ll get some bubble bath at the station when I go to get your clothes. It’s expensive, but the accounts are flush.”
“Only if you promise we can make this a regular thing.”
He lightly bit my shoulder. “Yes.”
“How do we usually work this? Do we exist on some kind of schedule?”
His hand stopped moving. “That’s the way it worked on my mother’s ship. My father and my uncles knew when they would see her. It worked well for them. You’ve always preferred to control that. You say when and who.”
I didn’t want that kind of control. It sounded exhausting. How did I know whose feelings I hurt by not paying enough attention? “Would you make me a schedule?”
“If you want.” The way his voice raised told me he liked the idea, too. “We’d have to build in some flexibility. And give you downtime to yourself.”
I shook my head. “Thank you for knowing what needs to happen.”
“M.” He breathed the letter he used for my name like he was praying.
He was such a sweet guy wrapped in the body of a fighter. And he was mine.
Chapter 13
The Clouds Above
C.J. surged his cock into me and I moaned. I’d told him we would wake up and have sex in the middle of the night. It was impossible for that to happen since we’d yet to go to sleep in the first place. By the time we’d gotten out of the tub, warm, snuggled, and horny, we’d not been able to get enough of each other.
My strong husband gripped me from behind. I sat in his lap, his cock inside of me as he directed me how to move and when.
Pitch blackness bathed the room since someone must have turned off the hallway light. I couldn’t see C.J. but, oh, could I feel him deep inside me.
“Up.” He whispered in my ear and I pulled out until I was just able to keep the top of his erection inside my pussy. C.J. groaned and panted, his breathing getting louder each time we did this. He wasn’t going to be able to hold off for long.
“I need…” C.J. couldn’t finish his sentence. He wasn’t alone, I found it hard to talk, too. I pressed down, taking him fully inside me, and we both moaned, his cock twitching as my muscles stretched to fit him.
He wiped my hair off my forehead and kissed my neck. “What? What do you need? Tell me, M. Let me give it to you.”
“I need to come. Can you make me? Please?”
“Fuck, yes.” He pressed another finger against me and stroked. I cried out when he did, but it wasn’t enough. “I’m going to keep my fingers here, right on your clit. You move when I tell you to. I need this, too. You and me, together. I want it.”
I did too and the little sense his words made to me didn’t matter. When it came down to it, C.J. needed to claim me and I wanted him to. I pulled out again, and this time he stroked me hard. As I pushed on him one more time, I came hard, on his fingers, on his cock.
“C.J.” I called out his name as he said mine. He took over the moment, his hips surging forward until he came, too. In the darkness, I saw stars and I collapsed backwards against him.
He must have turned us until we lay spooning on the bed. I had no energy. My bones and muscles weren’t functioning. His hands came around me, over my stomach.
“Don’t go,” I managed to whisper.
He kissed my neck. “Never.”
“When I’m not me anymore, I want you to remember this, to remind me. How perfect tonight was. Can you do that?”
His breathing hitched. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing.” None of them understood. I would get into a machine that would cause me pain—or Dane would figure out how to make the same thing happen here—and when I woke, I wouldn’t be a girl who wanted hot baths and to be held. I’d be the one they all wanted, but who never stopped to give them a second thought. Master’s took so much away from me, but it also opened my heart.
I closed my eyes, forcing myself to pretend to sleep. Why did the sadness sneak in whenever I was happy? Was it because I knew this was temporary?
That I was only a momentary stop?
C.J.’s head pressed against my hair. “The last time you kept secrets, kept things to yourself, you vanished off the ship and died. Now, obviously, you’re alive, but the problem remains the same. When you say nothing, all my alarm bells go off.”
“You want truth from me.” So had Dane and Wes. Since they were all being honest with me, instead of hiding things, I had no reason to hold back.
“Yes.” He kissed that spot on my neck again. “You can trust me.”
“You all say I’m her. When you look at me, you see whatever you used to see in my eyes. Well, except for Nolan, but I don’t want to talk about him right now. I don’t know who she is. And she didn’t know me. We’re strangers who share a body. I’m falling for you. For the others. Hard. I know her love is making that easier. I guess…it’s hard for me to have done what we just did and know you’d rather be with her. To know I’ll be a memory for you, and I realize you can’t understand this, because to you I’m her and she’s me.”
He turned me around until we were facing each other. “I don’t want anyone but who you are just as you are now. Can you believe me, please? You’re my wife. I love getting to know you, too. This side of you, who I never would have met otherwise. Don’t imagine I’m counting off some calendar waiting until you get your memories. I don’t like to live in the past. Let’s concentrate on being as we are. As far as I’m concerned, if you never get into any more mind touching machines, I’ll be thrilled. We’re going to have a baby, and whether I’m her father or her uncle, we’re going to be even more of a family soon. I loved you then. I still do.” He kissed my nose. “One thing hasn’t changed. When you get tired, you don’t make sense. Rest. I’ve got you. I always will.”
“What does C.J. stand for?” Since we were confessing feelings and naked together, it seemed a good idea to know.
“Christopher James. I hate it. And you insisted on calling me it. My Dad was an ass. It was his name.”
I snuggled closer. “C.J. it is.”
This time when I slept, I didn’t dream. It came as a nice change to not wake up with my head aching.
* * * *
For once, morning didn’t come too fast. We might have overslept, but no one came knocking to tell us to hurry. I woke groggy, C.J.’s body strewn over mine. His hand lay on my breast as he snored lightly in my ear. He was also hard as a rock.
My bladder called for attention, and I gently managed to get out of the bed and from out of his arms to go take care of my needs. The shower called my name next. I washed, shaving my body, and getting clean in all my sore places.
When I came out of the bathroom, I had to put on clothes that didn’t fit. This time a cotton red-shirt and a pair of shorts which let my stomach show through. The women at Master’s would be horrified. They’d been very big on me maintaining my pregnancy modesty.
C.J. hadn’t stirred. Dane had slept like he hadn’t in years also. He’d drugged Geoff to get him to pass out. Was this a new thing or since I’d been gone that they all needed rest so badly?
I rubbed his hair off his sweet face and he stirred, his eyes becoming alert immediately. “What are you doing out of bed?”
“Can’t lay around all day. I want to make you guys breakfast. I fixed oatmeal yesterday. Today I could maybe manage something with the canned sausage.” My stomach revolted at the idea, but I had to make do with what was available. “Also, I’m doing Wes’ laundry every day. Dane doesn’t want me to do his. Would you like yours done? I have a few skills right now. Might as well let me use them. I’d rather be busy.”
He stretched before he sat. “We’ll get better food at Truest before we head on to The Bridge. Should be there soon, couple of weeks. Gotta feed my girls better. Will you be doing laundry naked? That’s the only way I want you washing my clothes.”
“Are you going to be dealing with the new supplies naked? Walking around the room that way? Is this going to be a new thing? We’ll all take care of things in the nude?”
He laughed and pulled me into his arms. “For you, I would risk the wrath of Nolan and get butt naked to do my job. He’s very big on privacy.”
Hearing the name I most avoided thinking about soured my good mood. “He hates me.”
“He’s angry at you. There’s a difference. You can’t answer his questions, and he has many. He doesn’t do change well, never has. As fucked up as all of our backgrounds are, none are more so than Nolan’s. I’m not going to tell you about it. That’s his business. Give him some time. He’d place himself in front of a firing squad for you.”
I kissed him lightly. “When you’re making your schedule, you might want to ask him if he’d prefer not to be on it. My thinking is he’d rather not have to spend time with me.” At some point, if I stayed married to him, I would have to push it. That day was not today. “And we’ll need to think about whether anyone is going to want to keep the schedule post-baby. They’ll be a lot less rolling in the sheets and more night feedings and diapers. When do kids sleep through the night? A year? Two? We can pick it back up afterward.”
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