by Sophia Gray
“Again?”
“That’s a story for another time. Right now…” There is a long pause. I almost think he’s stopped talking. “What do you think about cleaning up and meeting me in the den? We can sit down and talk about what we’re going to do with the baby.”
It’s the first time he’s actually asked me in a way that I feel respected, and it fills me with hope. Maybe this can work after all. “I’d be okay with that. Could you give me ten minutes?”
He grunts softly against my ear and lets me go. I look up at him as he turns away and walks out the door. A smile etches across my lips, and as I get up, I laugh. He’s not exactly a people person, but something about him is so endearing. I wish I knew what it was.
“Ass,” I mutter, but I smile as I say it.
Chapter Eleven
Andre
The sound of the magazine pages is almost soothing as I flip through them. There’s an article in it that Will wrote a while back about bike safety in the snow, but I can’t find it. I grumble under my breath about poor communication and directions when I hear Kristel’s footsteps. With a deep breath, I lower the magazine and look at her. If I can describe her in one word, it’stired. She looks absolutely exhausted as she makes her way over to the couch. When she sits down, there is some distance between us. I don’t try to get closer. Too many boundaries have been pushed and pulled today, and it’s barely 8 a.m. Hell, I’m still in my boxers from last night.
“You okay?” I watch her with reserved concern.
“I think so, yes. You?”
She sounds awkward, but I believe she’s sincere. Maybe. “Fine.” There’s a long moment of silence, and I watch her carefully. “Do you still want to talk about the baby?”
“Yes.” She pushes hair over one of her shoulders and tilts her face to watch me. “Do you?”
“Yeah.” My legs curl up underneath me, and I get comfortable. “Is this throwing up thing new? I’ve never seen you do that before.” I clasp my hands in my lap and lean heavier against the couch.
“Kind of. Just when I’m stressed. Like when I had dinner with my parents and… everything that happened here.”
The silence stretches on for what seems like many minutes. When I can’t stand it anymore, I look her in the eyes and say what’s been on my mind for days: “I think you should keep the baby.” She looks startled at my admission. “I don’t know how it will work yet, but I don’t think you should get an abortion.”
“Andre…” Her voice is soft. “It’s barely been –”
“It’s been a few days.” My voice is firm enough to make her stop talking. “And your dad being a cop, well… we’ll deal with that when we have to.”
She stares at me in confusion. “Just a few hours ago you were screaming at me at the top of your lungs because my dad is a cop. You haven’t stopped going on about it since I told you. And now, suddenly, you’re okay with it?”
I feel my temper shift within me, and I run both hands down my face; the last thing I want right now is another fight. “I know. I have a temper that gets away from me sometimes. I was worried about the club and the implications that your father could have on them if he ever found out about… us. Am I pissed you didn’t tell me about your dad before I let you join? Yes. But I’ll get over it, because I have to.”
“Oh… you have a temper.Ya think? My ears are still ringing.”
A smirk touches my mouth. “I bet that’s not the only thing still ringing, is it?” She gives me a glare, and I let out a soft chuckle. “Kristel, come on. You slapped me. Scratched me. And I understand why you were upset, but that’s why we’re here. That’s why you came, isn’t it? To figure shit out?”
Her eyes narrow even further. “You better wipe that smirk off your face, Andre Zelnick… it’s not funny.” One of her hands moves to rest against her stomach. I want to reach out and touch her there, too.
“Let me get this straight. I get mad at you about your dad, you get pissed at me. I stop getting mad at you about your dad, you get pissed at me. Is there some kind of happy medium that I’m missing here?” My arms fold across my chest, and I lift both of my eyebrows at her. I want to do the right thing for all three of us, but she’s not making that easy.
“Yes. The ‘happy medium’ is the place you go that’s actuallyyou. At least when you were screaming at me I knew you were being real. Now, I have no idea. Are you saying these things just to make all of this go away faster? Are you saying them so we can kiss and make up, and forget all of this happened?”
“Don’t do this, Kristel.” I look away from her and let out a huff.
“I want thetruth! You at least owe me that!”
“All right! Fine! I don’t want you to keep the baby!”
Silence extends between us, and she looks at me as though I’ve just murdered one of her closest family members. “Why?” Her voice is very soft.
“Because…” I look away and push fingers through my hair. “This baby will compromise everything: you, the club… us. If you have this baby, it’ll be putting all of us in danger. It will bring your parents closer. It will bring your dad closer. Hell, they might even want you to move in with them, I don’t know.”
“And if it brings us together in a positive way? Have you thought about that?”
“Yes. A lot.” I hold my hands out toward her. “It’s your body. I’m not telling you to get rid of it. I’m just saying… maybe it’s not the right time. Are you ever ready for a child? For that kind of commitment? What about your school? The Black Knights?”
She shakes her head at me and stands up. I can’t tell what she’s thinking, but the expression on her face isn’t good. “I shouldn’t have come here.” Big breaths are making her breasts rise and fall visibly, but for the first time I’m looking at her and not them. There are no more tears on her face, and her eyes aren’t glittering. If anything, she looks almost numb.
Very slowly, I get to my feet. I keep some distance between us and try to think of what to say. Even as she pulls out her phone, I know she’s going to call a cab. “Wait. Don’t. Just… wait.”
“For what? You made your point, Andre. You don’t want the baby. You can’t help me anymore.”
I groan inwardly; why do women have to be so dramatic? “Fuck… Kristel! Why are you doing this? Why won’t you let me help you? Just… put the phone down. We can talk about this.” I know I’m fucking things up, but I have no idea what to do. I’m completely lost. “This is all new to me, too! Like I said before, there aren’t any right answers. Just… different ones.”
She points a rigid finger at me, and I stare down it to her hand. “You’ve said your piece! I thought you were helping me in the bathroom. Fuck, Andre, you were even sweet. But you’re just in this for yourself. I get that now.”
“No. I’m thinking about the Black Knights. They’re my responsibility. And you’re part of that!”
She laughs at me, but there’s no humor in it. “Wow… so now I’myour responsibility?”
“What? No…” I throw my hands in the air and look up toward the ceiling. “Fuck… stop twisting my words around! You keep acting as though I’m the bad guy or something!”
“That’s because, right now, you are.” Her lips are pressed together as her jaw is tight as she turns on her heel and storms out the front door. It slams so hard the whole front of the house shakes.
“Fucking hell!” I clench one of my fists and slam it down onto the table in front of me. Then I kick the same table and send it tumbling onto its side. The violence feels good, so I get to my feet and turn to the couch. With a frustrated snarl, I grab it by the back and yank it down. It flips over, legs in the air. The floor shakes and a small table nearby collapses. I stride over to the entertainment system and rip the TV to the floor. The screen shatters on impact, and cords go flying. The DVD player and gaming consoles come next, and within moments the entire cabinet comes crashing to the floor.
“Jesus, fuck!!” I kick at the wall next to me, and a
bunch of pictures fall off. With a growl and a hiss, I start slamming my fists into the wall I just kicked. I hit it again and again, and the pain invigorates me. Each time my knuckles make contact with the solid surface, hot flashes of adrenaline scream at me to hit even harder the next time. When my hands start to go numb, my feet go for the wall again. I kick it hard until the wood begins to soften and give. There’s blood all over the wall where I hit it, but I’m far more damaged.
“Fuck…” I speak softer this time as the pain starts to make itself known. My body shakes with the kind of rage that’s gotten me into trouble before. It’s the kind of anger that takes over my mind and won’t let me think about anything else.
I strike the wall one last time and lean into it. Once more I hit it, and then again. My forehead rests against its hard surface, but I find no comfort in it. It’s cold and solid, not warm and soft. I realize, as I lean there with my hands bloody and broken, that losing Kristel is an unacceptable option for me. I don’t want to admit how much she means to me; it’s easier to ignore it.
“Shit. Shit, shit, shit…” I whisper to myself over and over again, repeating the word as though it’s going to help me. My eyes close, and I take in deep breaths as my body rests heavily against the wall. A large part of me wants to go outside and see if Kristel is okay, but the rest of me just wants to go back into my room and fall asleep. If she wants to keep the baby and do it all without me, that’s her damn problem.
Then again, what if she sells me out to her parents? It will be better to keep her close regardless of what she wants. I push back away from the wall and look toward the door. My brain is conflicted with feelings between caring about Kristel and caring about the club. Maybe Grant is right.
I am doomed.
Chapter Twelve
Kristel
I don’t know how much time has gone by, but I know I’m lost. Leaves crunch under my bare feet, and I pull the thin sweater closer around my shoulders. I intended on just a short walk, but the sound of bells and my whirling brain took over. Now I have no idea where I am. Everywhere I look there are more fields or more trees. Who in their right mind would ever own so much land? And where are those bells actually coming from?
A few drops of rain patter against the ground, and I tilt my face up toward the sky. “Great...” An angry frown tugs the corners of my lips down. Of course it’s starting to rain. That’s just my luck, right? My eyes close, and I rub my hands down my face and go completely still. “Think, woman, think. You can’t bethat lost.”
As my eyes open again, I slowly turn around. I look at the trees and at the little meadow off to my right. Then I look behind me at more trees. No matter how hard I search, I can’t locate the direction I came from.
More rain falls, and now I can feel the cold water against my skin. It sends a cool chill straight through my flesh to my bones. I fold my arms across my chest and draw in a deep breath. I have to stay calm; if I panic now, I’ll just get more lost. “Stupid Andre,” I whisper. “Because of him, look where I am.”
“Stupid Andre, huh?”
I gasp at the sound of his voice and turn around so fast my head spins. My jaw drops, and my shoulders stiffen. “What… how did you find me??”
He holds his hands in the air, as though he wants to convince me that he’s not a threat, and steps closer. “It wasn’t that hard. All I did was follow your tracks. One of your hair elastics or something got caught up in some branches not far from here, too.” He lifts an elastic that must have fallen out of my pocket. I usually keep them on hand just in case. “What are you doing out here anyway?”
A frown touches my mouth again. “I got pissed off, so I left.”
“You decided not to call a cab?”
“No…” I look away from him and fold my arms across my chest. The wind is picking up, and the rain is falling harder. “You confused me. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know whatIwant. Just like you, I keep going back and forth. Is it better to keep the baby, or is it better to get rid of it? Do I have it and put it up for adoption, or do I have an abortion? And if I do decide to keep it…” I look at him intently. “Do I want you involved? Do I want my child to be raised among criminals? Or do I want my parents to help me? I just… there areso many questions, Andre! And none of them have easy answers!”
“I don’t really know what I want, either. But how about we go back inside? Try again?” He lifts his eyebrows. “Would you be willing to do that?”
I take a step toward him without really understanding why. “Just one thing.” With a deep breath, I look toward the meadow. “Where are those bells coming from?”
A smile crosses his mouth, and for the first time since I’ve seen him today, it actually looks genuine. “Those are cows. I’ve always had them, and they wander where they please on the property. The bells are so I know where they are.” He pauses and shrugs. “My parents enjoyed farming when they weren’t doing… other things… so I kind of got into the hobby, too.”
I arch an eyebrow, but shake my head. This man really is full of surprises. I look upward toward the sky as more rain falls. It’s heavy enough now to start soaking my hair and my clothes, and I subconsciously step closer to Andre. “Not that I’m not curious, but can we go back to your place now?”
“Ishould just leave you here.” He chuckles when I glare at him. “But fine. Follow me. And on the way you can tell me how you ended up out here in the first place.”
I glare at him some more, my arms wrapped around my body. With a quiet huff, I lower my head and follow him into the trees; I don’t recognize anything. “I just intended on walking a short distance. I saw a pond, so I went to it and thought it would be a nice place to… I don’t know, sort out my feelings. Then I just got madder and madder, and I heard those bells. So I decided to go for a walk to try and cool off. And I got lost.”
“You have got to be the most insane, most spontaneous woman I have ever met.” He chuckles again as we break the tree line. There, not one minute from where I thought I’d been lost, was the cabin. I can’t believe it.
“Are you shitting me? This was here the whole time? It felt like I walked for hours!”
He laughs again and trots up the steps to the door. “Well, you didn’t. Now come on inside.” As he reaches for the door, I notice blood all over his hands. They look raw and painful.
“Andre?” I glance his way and walk through the door. As I do, I reach over and gently take one of his hands. “What happened?” I have a feeling I already know, but I don’t like to assume things.
“The wall offended me.” He looks away and closes the door behind me with a gentle click. “Right after you and everything else did.”
“I’m sorry…” It feels like a kick in the gut to say the words.
“Are you?”
“Yeah. Mostly. I mean, you’re right about a lot of things.” That feels like an even bigger kick to the gut.
His eyes narrow before he gives my hand a squeeze and leads me into the den. He pulls me down onto the couch next to him, and I cuddle into his side. I’m not too soaked, so I’m not worried about getting him wet. My head rests on his shoulder, and I find that I want to go to sleep. I’m exhausted from all the fights and the sex; I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’ve barely even been here a full day.
“What do you think I’m right about?”
I shrug as his fingers stroke through my hair. “I don’t know if I’m ready. A baby is a huge responsibility. It’s terrifying. And new. It’s full of unknowns, and you see that. I don’t. I just see a life. And I don’t want to snuff it out.”
His hand pauses in my hair. “Then don’t.”
I glance up at him. “What about what you said? You said you didn’t want me to keep it.”
His hand starts to move again, and this time it trails along my cheekbone. “I also said I wanted you to keep it. To be honest, I don’t know what I want. And it also doesn’t really matter.”
My brow furrows, and I sit up so I
can look him square in the eyes. “I won’t lie, Andre. For a while there, I was just as pissed off at you as you were at me. But I got so mad because…” Am I really about to admit this? I swallow and look away. “Because I care about you. I care about the baby’s future. Growing up, I had both parents, and I can’t imagine being raised with only one. I don’t want that for this child.” My other hand presses against my belly as I turn my gaze back to him.
His eyes search mine, and I can’t help but look away after a few seconds. “I know how you feel. This is all happening so fast and I have some big commitments and some even bigger responsibilities. Maybe I was being selfish, but I didn’t want to weigh everything I’ve worked so hard for against a baby that wasn’t planned. Because…” It’s his turn to look away from me. “It scares me, too. The whole thing. My world is full of surprises. It’s full of chances and opportunities, and any one of them could end up with me dead or in jail. But the responsibility of a child is so much more. It’s someone’s life. And on my side, it will be in danger every step of the way. The same as you.”