“My confusion is hopeful?”
“Yes,” he said seriously. “I believe it actually is reflecting a confusion in both of you. Which means that reconnecting with you has at least somewhat diluted his connection to the Dreng.”
Pausing, he tapped his lip with a long forefinger.
After another pause, he gestured easily with one hand, as if still thinking.
“It is possible,” he added. “…again in theory, mind you… that he might be influenced by his connection to you, just as you have been by him. One side will need to be dominant, at least until the integration is complete. It is possible however, with your help, he will be able to tip the scales in a less volatile direction. Which means, consequently, he may also be able to reintegrate the other personalities in a way that will prove less, well… dangerous. For the world. Also, for you. And perhaps less helpful for the Dreng.”
I stared at him.
“…In theory,” he added, smiling at me. “We all know how reliable those are. We established that as our baseline, yes?”
For a long moment, I couldn’t quite make his words real.
I wasn’t ready to hope––not full-fledged, honest-to-gods hope––but I also couldn’t not start building ladders from his words with my mind. I found myself staring at the stone floor a few seconds later, almost forgetting the old seer.
“How long before we’ll know?” I said finally.
Vash purred, clicking softly. “That, I do not know, Alyson.”
“Will there be signs, though?” I said. “Some indication if it’s working?”
“I do not know that, either,” he said seriously. “However, the collar will not aid this, Alyson. In fact, the more time spent with him, the more likely you are to influence his light. More time together at this point might actually increase your likelihood of success. Not hinder it.”
I stared at him.
“You want me to go spend time with Revik?” I said, incredulous. “You’re telling me I should go spend time with Syrimne. So I can… what? Be a good influence on him?”
Vash thought about this for another minute.
“In essence,” he said. “…Yes. That is precisely what I am suggesting, Alyson.”
My face must have looked pretty blown, because he added,
“There is no guarantee it will work,” he warned me. “And there is some additional risk he could corrupt you, of course. If you wish, I can try to sever things with the two of you first, but you must realize that your ability to influence him will decrease significantly, if such a thing were successful.”
Thinking, he tilted his hand, gazing up at the ceiling.
“Of course, keep in mind also, the more entwined your light becomes with his, the less likely the severing will succeed without killing you both.”
I sat there, trying to think through that, too.
I didn’t get very far.
“Something is happening,” Vash said quietly, touching my arm.
I turned my head towards the door, right as it opened with a bang.
Dorje thrust his head past the opening, eyes wide in his round face. He gripped the frame, white-knuckled, looking between us.
“Bridge,” he said. “Bridge… please. You need to come with me.”
“What happened?” I said, climbing to my feet.
“Just come with me, Bridge. There is a message… a message for you…”
“Message?” I looked at Vash, raising an eyebrow. “What kind of message?”
Dorje exhaled. “From him. Syrimne. He wrote you a letter, Allie.”
“He did what?” I had a sudden, inappropriate desire to laugh.
“Allie,” Dorje said, his face pale and serious. “He had it delivered here.”
16
LETTER
I FOLLOWED DORJE down the stone corridor, fighting my way through the profusion of thoughts that tried to push their way to the forefront of my mind.
Revik had written me a letter?
More to the point, Revik had written me a letter and had it delivered to me, on foot, by some poor human kid who nearly got shot for his troubles?
According to Dorje, the kid had a map with him.
He’d knocked on the back door to wherever we were, which Dorje seemed to think was more than a little disturbing in and of itself. Apparently, our location wasn’t meant to be all that accessible, even in the physical.
“We’ll be leaving, right?” I said, jogging to keep up.
“Balidor is already packing.”
“What about Vash?” I looked back from where we’d come, at the monk’s cell we’d left behind a few corridors back. “Are there people on him? Protecting his light? Right now, I mean?”
“Balidor just ordered another infiltrator—”
“Make it two,” I cut in.
“Yes, Esteemed Bridge.”
We turned a corner in the maze-like catacombs of bookshelves, passing tables covered with small statues, jars of bones and colored stones, parchments, maps, tapestries covered in dust, prayer rugs, bells and other ritual instruments. Wooden crates were stacked along the floor, holding materials that couldn’t be crammed on the shelves. All around me, I saw artifacts and books stacked and crammed in deep stone alcoves built inside the walls, filling every crevice.
I passed by Terian’s cell without so much as glancing at the door.
We rounded a last corner and I found myself nearly walking into Balidor, who stood with Cass, Jon, Illeg and Tenzi near the door of a wider space. The ceiling was low in that part of the catacombs, yet something in my chest relaxed as soon as we entered the cement-floored room. Maybe it was the lack of clutter. Or, more likely, it was the sight of the wooden staircase leading up, right across from the entrance into the archives.
Whatever it was, I felt less trapped in here. I found myself thinking this was the same room where they’d had birthday cake waiting for me, the day we arrived.
Balidor held in his hand what looked like a rolled up piece of parchment. It resembled one of the scrolls in the open storage area we’d just left.
They all turned to stare at me.
Balidor was the first to speak.
“He found us, Alyson,” he said. “I am sorry.”
He held out the parchment towards me.
I stared at it, then up at his face. Looking around behind me at a flurry of activity in the nearby corridors that met up with this one, I realized that most of the seers were already occupied with pulling together our meager belongings. I knew that in under an hour, they’d likely be dragging them and me upstairs to throw in the back of trucks they now likely had hidden and covered in camo nets somewhere.
I returned my gaze to Balidor’s face.
“Read it,” I said. “Out loud.”
“Allie,” Balidor said. “I do not think—”
“Just read it, ‘Dori,” I said. “He’s obviously trying to make some sort of statement, so I doubt the contents are a profession of his love.” Combing my fingers through my hair, I glanced around at the others, gesturing with one hand towards the note. “Since all of our lives are at stake now, it’s only fair that everyone should hear what he has to say.”
Balidor hesitated another moment.
Then, with a sigh, he lowered his hand.
Untying the leather thong around the note, he unrolled the paper inside.
“Dearest Alyson…” he began.
Balidor stopped. He looked at me, his eyes showing his discomfort.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Cass said, snatching it out of his hand. Unfurling the same piece of paper, she immediately began to read.
“Dearest Alyson,” she read, clearing her throat.
She read in a slightly raised voice, speaking slowly. Still, I could hear him through the words, almost as if he were standing in the room.
“Please bear with me as you read this, as I attempt to express to you what I feel. I know I have only managed this clumsily in the past, when I’ve managed it at all. I
can only hope you hear me in this, this time above all others, Allie, past whatever I always manage to express wrongly or poorly no matter how hard I try.
“I find myself completely off-balance as a result of the conflicts and misunderstandings and miscommunications between you and I, and, frankly, well out of my depth, in terms of my ability to handle the situation gracefully. But I need to try, Allie. I can’t express to you how badly I want you to try, too––to hear me, at least, past whatever prejudice you might have brought with you to the reading of this––”
Jon made an irritated sound, exchanging a look with Dorje.
“What the hell is he doing?” he asked me. “That doesn’t even sound like him. Is it some kind of joke?”
Jon had never read any of Revik’s writing before. I had.
“It’s him, Jon,” I said, giving Balidor a bare glance. “Please.” I gestured at Cass. “Continue.”
Cass gave Jon a fleeting look, raising her eyebrows before going on.
“Since I have known you, I have found it difficult to express to you how I feel about us, and about you, even apart from who you are to me.
“You might think this is because I am unwilling, Allie, or perhaps unable to tell you these things. In any case, you have expressed to me, more than once, that I have put you in the uncomfortable position of having to guess how I feel. As a result, I’ve also placed you in a position of near-constant insecurity between us…”
I felt my jaw harden, in spite of myself, as I remembered some of the conversations he was referencing.
But I didn’t miss any of the words that followed.
“I had hoped this might change, after our time together at that cabin in the mountains.
“I tried, Allie. I really tried to show you how I felt. I know you likely feel cheated in that respect, too, in that you were forced to deal with a new version of your husband not long after, and likely before you had a chance to adjust to the one who finally had the courage to open to you.
“Allie, I need you to hear me on this. I love you…”
Cass trailed, her face reddening as she looked up from the note. Feeling my own face warm, I motioned her forward.
“Keep going,” I said, my voice short. “Finish it.”
Nodding, Cass cleared her throat.
“I love you… more than I can express in words, or even with my light. More than I’ve ever been able to show you or make you understand. More than I’ve ever loved anyone, Allie. I wish I could show you all of it now, the years I loved you from afar, the pain it caused me, the feelings it raised in me, just from being in your light. I wish you could see how those feelings only changed and grew once I was able to spend time with you in the flesh. During our time in that cabin, I thought that love might kill me at times…
I swallowed again, wrapping my arms tighter around my body. I didn’t look at Balidor. I didn’t look at Jon or Cass, either.
“I can say in utter honesty, as there is nothing of my life I don’t remember now, and nothing I would hide from you, that this love is like nothing I have ever experienced, and still new to me in many ways. I can show you this if you want proof of my words––in any part of my light or my past you wished to see. I loved you before I ever saw you in the flesh. I sought you in the Barrier for longer than you can imagine…
“This isn’t some prophecy to me, Allie. It’s my life. I am sending this letter in advance of myself in the hopes that we can deescalate these problems between us.”
I glanced at Balidor, but the Adhipan leader wouldn’t return my gaze. Tightening my arms around my chest, I forced myself to continue listening.
“I also wish to explain how completely unprepared I was for what you said to me in that parking lot in Delhi––and to apologize for my response. I know you know this about me, but I need you to see that I know it, too. It is my way to throw aggression at things that terrify me.
“I don’t think I’ve ever let myself contemplate what I might do if you fell out of love with me, Allie. That night, it felt very much like you had.
“I still can’t think about this with any semblance of reason. I have no idea what I will do if that proves to be the case. But if you wished for me to pay attention, to take your concerns about me and the future of our marriage seriously… it worked. I am paying attention, wife. In fact, I am nearly out of my head with fear about this.”
I felt my jaw harden. I didn’t look up when I felt the others staring at me, especially Jon and Balidor.
Cass continued to read, her voice clear.
“What I should have said is this––maybe you can live without me, Allie, but be assured, I cannot live without you.”
Pain whispered through my light, before I could stop it, or even hide it from the others. I felt it through the collar, strong enough that Balidor’s eyes shifted to mine. I swallowed, avoiding his gaze, tightening my arms around my chest.
“After being with someone who feels so much a part of me, I am unwilling to go back to ‘sleeping with prostitutes,’ as you so blithely suggested. I know I deserved that, too… but I don’t know how to tell you more plainly that such things do not interest me in the slightest. For now, I’ll add only this. I have absolutely no intention of breaking the vows we made to one another at that cabin, not as long as there’s even a shadow of hope between us.
“Allie, there is something else you should know. I know where you are. I was in that basement under the Old House tonight. Inside the construct, I mean…”
Stopping abruptly, Cass glanced up, blanching. I saw the rest of the group trade glances with one another, too. It took me a moment to pull my head together enough to do the same.
When I looked over at Balidor, I saw that he had paled.
“Go on, Cass,” I said, quiet.
Clearing her throat, Cass began reading once more.
“…I saw that the Adhipan have you collared. I’m sure that’s to keep you from me. Or, more accurately, to keep me from you. I know you likely agreed to this in the hopes that you could better protect your people, Allie.
“I respect that, wife. I respect that very much. Even so, I cannot tell you how it made me feel that you would go to such lengths, just to avoid my light…”
I swallowed, still avoiding the eyes of the others.
“…I also saw that you’ve got Vash with you.”
Cass glanced at me, her voice tensing.
Once again, I felt Balidor react, his eyes flickering to mine.
Cass only stumbled a little that time, though, still reading in that steady, clear voice.
“I could have killed him, Allie. Obviously, I didn’t. There are a lot of reasons I didn’t, but the bottom line is, I didn’t want to take him from you, and I didn’t want to take that choice from you, either. That being said, I cannot just let you walk away, my love. I can’t. Not until I’ve had some chance to try and fix things between us.
“I know you will likely find that statement coercive––possibly even threatening, given the way you’ve reacted to me of late. So I’m asking you, Allie, one more time. Please come to me. Please come to me willingly, so I don’t have to do this out of desperation. Try to get to know who I’ve become, what I’m trying to do. Give me just six months, as my wife.
“To this end, I will compromise in any way I can, if it will convince you how serious I am about this. I will suspend all ops until that time is passed. I will conduct only those which meet with your explicit approval as to targets and means. I will give you anything you ask, Allie. Anything. If you will just give me this one thing.
“Further, if you agree to this for the six months, I will accede to your wishes after, as well. Therefore, if at that time, you still want to sever us, I will do whatever I can to aid you to that end.
“Make no mistake, wife. It will break my heart. It will… possibly beyond what I can ever recover from. But I won’t stand in your way. You have my word on this, Alyson.”
Cass swallowed, looking at me. “…I adore you,�
�� she finished, reading the end of the letter. “Revik.”
When she stopped speaking, the room fell utterly silent.
I fought to swallow, looking around at faces in the dim space. I realized suddenly that the whole construct had heard Cass reading the note, and that all of the activity had stopped in the other rooms, where they had been furiously packing up our belongings to throw in the waiting trucks.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.
“We’re under the Old House?” I managed. “In Seertown?” I glanced around at all of them. “You said South America.”
Balidor stared at me. “Alyson. For the gods’ sake.”
But I was looking at something else now, something Jon was picking up from the cement landing under the wooden steps that led outside.
It was the largest bouquet of flowers I’d ever seen.
17
UNDONE
WE DIDN’T HAVE much time.
Hell, we’d already stretched what little we had past where it was probably wise.
I sat on the wooden staircase under the door to the Old House gardens, holding my head in my hands as I fought to think past the pounding behind my eyes. I hadn’t had even a few seconds’ peace since the letter arrived on our doorstep.
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