“I wouldn’t be threatening you, Allie!”
I stared at him in open disbelief. “Jon said you threatened to kill anyone who touched me. Including him, for fuck’s sake.” I gripped my knees tighter. “Now you want me to believe you wouldn’t have hurt me? Or threatened me? Bullshit.”
When he shook his head, eyes angry, I raised my voice.
“Revik, things were hardly clear with us. They haven’t been for awhile. And you’re not exactly Mr. Nonviolence lately—”
“Gods, Allie!”
Something in his voice made me fall silent.
I stared at him, and it slid away from me again, as soon as I felt the ripples coming off his light. Realizing we were screaming at each other, that I was barely even tracking my words, I let out a kind of half-gasp, shocked at the pain that hit at my heart as soon as I let it in.
Tears spilled down my cheeks before I could stop them. Then I was remembering him in the cabin, remembering what we’d said to one another, how far away all of that felt to me now. I remembered his face, the way he’d looked at me.
“You promised me!” he said, his voice thick. “You fucking promised me!” He gripped his hair again. “Gods… I believed you. I really fucking believed you. You knew what it meant to me. After Elise. You knew. I told you everything. I told you I couldn’t handle this.”
I bit my lip, fighting the part of me wanted to remind him about D.C., to remind him of things he’d promised me, too, during that same time in the cabin. I forced it down, gripping my own hair in my hands, clenching my fingers into fists. I tried to shut down my mind, my light, my heart. Everything hurt, blinding me.
“Gods, Revik.”
I fought to suppress the anger in me, couldn’t.
“I was trying to break things off with us,” I said, still staring at the floor. “I as much as told you I wasn’t going to be faithful. I told you… in Delhi.” I swallowed, shaking my head. “I thought you’d lost your fucking mind. I thought you’d left me. For all practical purposes, you did leave me. And now this shit is all on me suddenly. It’s my fault.”
He looked at me. I saw pain in his eyes, along with frustration, a helplessness I don’t think I’d ever seen on him before. Clenching his jaw again, he looked away while I watched.
“Yes.” The grief in his voice was palpable. “You told me. You told me in Delhi.” His eyes were glowing, staring at me from the dark. “Why did you even come here, Allie? Why not stay with your lover?” He choked on the word, even as tears rose to his eyes. “Is this to save his life? Is this you buying me off, being here? What did he call it… ‘services rendered’?”
I didn’t think.
I flew at him. I’d hit him before I knew I intended to, in the chest, in the shoulder. He caught hold of me in his arms, grasping my wrists, stopping me from hitting his face. He’d forced me down onto the couch before I could writhe free. I got a hand loose briefly and hit him again, but he caught my wrist, pinning my legs.
“I never asked you to answer for any of it!” I snarled up at him. “Never! I never even asked you to explain. Even when you did it again, and again––”
“I never fucked around after we consummated!”
I stopped struggling, staring up at him in disbelief. “What?”
He averted his eyes, clenching his jaw as he tightened his hold.
“That wasn’t for fun. I didn’t do that for sex.”
“Looked like you were having fun to me.”
He stared down at me, and I bit my lip, but didn’t avert my gaze.
“I hated that op.” He glared at me, his jaw hard. “I fucking hated it, Allie. I’ve never hated anything so much in my life. If you think I was there to get off…” Stopping, he shook his head, his voice cold.“I went there for you. The only reason I got so turned on was that I felt you in the goddamned building.”
“Jesus, Revik,” I bit my tongue until I tasted blood. “That’s pathetic.”
“Is it?” His voice grew harder. “Do you want to read me for it, Allie? How about we read each other? Compare notes? Maybe we’ll each learn something.”
I struggled, fury flashing in my light, but he tightened his hold, sinking his weight into my legs. For a long moment, we only looked at each other.
His jaw hardened, right before he shook me, his light sparking out.
“Why are you here?” he growled. “Why did you come here, Allie?”
Looking at him, I couldn’t answer.
I found myself remembering how I’d rationalized the thing with Balidor. I told myself it wasn’t really Revik. I told myself he wasn’t himself anymore. He wasn’t the man I fell in love with. He wasn’t the man I married.
But some part of me must have known that was bullshit, too.
Anyway, he’d still been himself when he slept with Kat. When he’d done that to me in D.C., when he sold himself to that woman on the ship––he’d still been the old Revik.
He’d been the man I fell in love with, the one I married.
That Revik hurt me. Not this one.
“Is that the real reason?” His voice grew openly bitter. “Is that why you came? To convince me to let Vash carve me up again, to cut out the pieces of me you don’t like? Is that what you really want, wife?”
Hearing his words, for a long moment, I didn’t move.
Staring up at the ceiling past his head, I forced myself to think about his question, to answer honestly. Whatever I’d told myself coming into this, I had to be honest now. I had to be. The idea of lying to him right now made me feel physically ill.
I remembered Delhi, and my fingers clenched into fists where he held me.
“No.” I shook my head. “No. That’s not it. Not anymore.”
His eyes met mine.
I saw distrust there again, and a pain I could barely look at. Even so, my jaw hardened as I looked up at the ceiling, remembering.
“I was lying, Revik,” I said. “I think it was revenge… at least in part.” Fighting a colder anger that wanted to rise, I continued to stare past him. “I wanted to know what it was like. I wanted to be on the other end of things with us, just once. Just once, I wanted to be the one who looked at someone else that way.” I bit the inside of my cheek, shifting my eyes to his. “When I walked in, in D.C…. you weren’t thinking about me. You weren’t, Revik.”
Briefly, I saw pain in his eyes.
“No,” he said after another pause. “No, by then I wasn’t. I was just fucking, Allie.”
I nodded, feeling my throat close. “Well, there you have it.”
He stared down at me, as if he wanted to say more.
“I’m sorry it was Kat,” he said finally.
When I looked up, he hesitated, still gauging my eyes.
“I didn’t want it to be,” he said. “Those three were the only infiltrators I had who could pass as unwillings. Her and Ullysa were the only honest to gods pros I had. It would have taken weeks to recruit and train more. I didn’t want to wait.” He hesitated, still watching my face. “It was purely a tactical decision, Allie. I didn’t pick her because I wanted her. I swear to the gods, I didn’t. I would have taken anyone but her. Anyone. Ask Jon.”
I nodded, feeling my jaw harden more.
“Is that what it was for you?” he said. “With Balidor? Was he just convenient, Allie?”
His voice was wary, like he almost didn’t want the answer.
Looking up at him, I almost didn’t give it to him. Then I sighed, realizing we’d already gone too far for that. And I wasn’t going to fucking lie to him. Not about this.
“No.” My jaw hardened. “I wanted him. Even before, Revik.”
He blinked, staring at me.
Then his light flared. His pain slammed into me, bad enough that I closed my eyes. I had to fight to breathe again, my nausea worsening––growing unbearable when I saw his face change, right before he let out a heavy gasp, his hurt reaching me in a thick cloud. I watched him cry, unable to do anything but lay there ben
eath him, where he had me pinned. His light sparked out again as he tried to turn it into anger, but he couldn’t seem to use that to climb out, either.
At that point, neither could I.
My mind was lost briefly, remembering D.C.
I remembered how I’d felt. I remembered the things I’d felt after, what went through my mind for days, weeks––months––after we got back to the Pamir. I remember lying there in bed, unable to sleep, crying until I passed out from exhaustion, wrapped around my body and my light, feeling like I’d been cut in half. It felt like he’d ripped my heart out of my chest. He ripped it out, then he left me. He left me alone with it.
Now, as I looked at him, I saw that pain on him.
I’d gotten my opportunity to punch back, and I’d taken it.
I’d hurt him in a way I never thought I’d hurt anyone, especially after what Jaden did to me. I’d hurt him more than I’d thought it would be possible to hurt another person, even him. And it didn’t reverse any of it. It didn’t take back any of what happened to me.
Tears came to my eyes.
I didn’t try to suppress it that time; I didn’t even try to understand it fully. I lay under him, and some part of me just let go. I stopped pretending I was all right, that I could be logical about this, the way I’d been doing with everyone for months. I stopped pretending I could handle it, or even that I wanted to. I opened my light, feeling like I was going to fucking die. I cried, feeling like I had when my father died––feeling like I was lost, like there was no one left.
I didn’t think about him at all in that, not at first.
I didn’t think about him watching me, or feeling any of what I felt.
When he let go of my wrists, I didn’t raise my head. I didn’t try to hit him. I didn’t even try to move. He lowered his weight on me, and I cried harder, remembering the cabin, remembering him promising me he’d never do it to me again, that he’d never hurt me like that ever again. I remembered how much I’d trusted him, how I’d believed everything he said to me, and I let out out another gasp, wrapping my arm around my heart.
“Allie.”
His fingers gripped my hair.
“Allie.”
I shook my head, not looking at him.
He lowered his mouth.
His lips and tongue found mine and it shocked me––my light, my body. I felt him in it, so much of him I let out a sound, what might have been another groan, maybe even a whimper. Pain tried to crush my chest as he leaned his weight, kissing me harder. For a long moment I was lost there, feeling so much of him I couldn’t breathe. His light coiled into mine, suffocating me, but his mouth was warm, even tender. He kissed me, pressing down into me until I gasped.
When he raised his head, I saw tears in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said, gruff.
My fingers tightened on him, even as I realized I was gripping his arms. My other hand rose, clutching his hair, my fingers winding into it harder, gripping until I saw him wince. My pain worsened as I saw his face tighten. I watched him, watched his expression change as I felt over his light. There was so much more of his light now. Gripping him harder, I fought another urge to hurt him. I couldn’t seem to stop myself feeling it, but I didn’t do it.
I just lay there, fisting his hair, biting my tongue until I tasted blood.
He didn’t push me away. He opened more.
“You can hurt me, Allie,” he said. “You can do what you want. Just tell me you want me. Tell me you want me like this… not carved up and broken, like I was before.”
I gripped him harder, biting my tongue. “I want you like this.” I heard anger in my voice, hurt––I almost didn’t recognize it. But it felt like the truth. “I want you like this.” The fingers of my other hand wrapped around his throat, pulling on him with my light. “I don’t want half of you. I don’t want fucking half of you, Revik.”
His fingers wound into my hair, like mine had with his. He gripped me tighter, and I felt pain on him, anger, grief, even as the desire on him worsened.
When I pulled him down to me, he let me.
I kissed him and he kissed me back––hard at first, his hand clenching violently in my hair. He slowed down after a few seconds more, and his light got hotter, more demanding, even as he pulled on me, coaxing me to open my mouth. When I opened my light, he let out a thick groan without raising his head. I heard and felt so much in that I had to fight not to hit him again. Possessiveness nearly blanked out my mind. I remembered what I’d seen in D.C. and I let out a low cry, hitting him in the chest.
He caught hold of my wrist. His kisses deepened, until he was caressing my face with his hand, lowering his mouth to kiss my throat, pulling on me with his light.
We started undressing each other.
His shirt still hung off his shoulders when I had my hand on him. I stroked him, wrapping my legs around him when he groaned. I saw the pain on his face, and nearly lost it when his mind slid into mine. Then we were reading one another… and his emotions expanded, paralyzing me. I remembered he’d feel it. He’d feel me with ‘Dori.
He’d feel everything––just like I had with Kat and that woman on the ship.
Pain blanked out my mind, but I didn’t try to push him away when he pinned me back down to the couch. He wrapped his fingers around my hips, yanking me down towards him before he had his hand on his cock, positioning himself. When he entered me, I let out a long cry. I coiled my legs around him tighter, writhing up against him and he groaned, slamming into me harder.
We were both crying again by the time he hit the imprints in my light.
I saw his face harden––just before his eyes closed.
He didn’t pull out, or even close his light. He didn’t look at my face when he arched into me next, but I felt everything he did.
He made love to me, feeling the other seer in me again… and again…
By the end, he was gripping my back and hair, his face wet against mine as he came, half-crushing me with his weight. His light wound into me as he let go, blanking out my mind. I felt the tentativeness there, different from any time before, even as he arched all the way in. That part of him that was seer, that differentiated him from every human I’d slept with, went so far into me it left me groaning, until I came, too, all at once, gripping his back.
He hit another imprint as I did, and cried out.
It caught him off guard that time.
His anger slammed through me, along with another reaction, this one closer to violence than any he’d let me feel. His whole body clenched, right before a wave of grief crashed into me from his light. He stopped dead, still reacting to the other seer being that far inside me.
Feeling him fight to control himself, I watched his face.
I remembered punching him in that hotel room. I wondered if he’d punch me.
Tears came to his eyes, but he still wouldn’t look at me. I caressed his face. Watching him react to my hands on him, I felt my jaw harden.
“I love you,” I said.
The pain in his eyes worsened.
For a moment, he couldn’t answer me. Then his own jaw clenched.
“You love me like this?” he said. “You want me like this?”
I stared up at him. Tears rose to my eyes. “Yes.”
“Do you still want to be married to me, Allie?”
“Yes.” My fingers clenched on his skin. I realized that was true, too, and a near violence rose in my light. “I am married to you.” I blinked back tears. “You’re married to me.”
“I want to kill him, Allie.”
His voice was dull, lower than a whisper.
“I know,” I murmured, fighting tears again.
“I really want to kill him.”
“I know.” Remembering how I felt on that White House lawn, I realized I really did know. “I wanted to kill her, too. I still do.”
He flinched. His pale eyes met mine. “He loves you. He’s in love with you, Allie.”
I sh
ook my head. “I don’t care about that, Revik.”
“He wanted to kill me. He wanted me dead.” His grief flared. “I felt it on him, and I still couldn’t kill him. If you loved him…” His pain worsened. “Gods, Allie. I didn’t want to kill him if you loved him. I knew you’d hate me for it. I knew you’d fucking hate me.”
I saw him wanting to ask me again, but he didn’t, looking away.
He lowered his face instead, and his light slid further into mine, feeling my heart. He arched up into me, reading me and angling deeper. When another imprint lived there, he gripped my hair, leaning into me harder as he let out an angry cry.
He pressed his face into my neck, and I held him, pain still rippling off my light as I felt the vulnerability on him. Before I’d pulled my emotions all the way back, he was kissing my face and throat, asking me softly. He kissed me again, wanting my mouth on him, wanting me to do everything I’d done to Balidor, so he could get it over with all at once.
Hearing his quiet words, something in me broke.
The reality of it hit me, crashing over my light, nearly suffocating me.
Vash had been wrong all those months ago, in the Pamir. He’d been wrong.
Revik wasn’t dead.
He’d never really left.
31
ACQUAINTING
I LAUGHED ALOUD when he yanked on my ankle, even when his tug pulled me under the surface. Getting a mouthful of salty water, I splashed him hard when he came up for air.
I saw him blink then cough even as he grinned, his pale eyes narrowing.
I was already pushing off the wall of the pool, trying to get away, when he lunged after me. He caught my ankle again when I tried to dive deeper, then I was laughing underwater, trying to twist away from his hold before I surfaced.
I managed to get away long enough to swim along the bottom of the pool, but when I followed the wall, coming up for air, he was waiting for me.
Within seconds, he had me pinned against the side. He pressed against me, holding the lip of the pool with his hands on either side of my face.
He kissed me for a long moment, pressing into me again when I curled an arm around his neck. Winding my legs around him, I slid my hand inside his bathing suit and he jumped, pausing long enough to look at me, smiling faintly before he glanced over his shoulder.
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