“The first time for me…” He held her tighter. “It was hard, Allie. I couldn’t control it, either.”
Her arms wrapped around his. He felt another pulse of grief on her.
“I killed…” He swallowed. “A lot of people, Allie. A lot more than you. And they deserved it a lot less.”
He felt her wanting to argue with him again, to disagree with everything he was showing her, but she didn’t say anything. He opened his light as much as he could, letting her feel whatever she wanted in him, see whatever she wanted.
“Menlim wanted to cure me of feeling anything for humans,” he said, adding a little bitterly, “It worked… but it didn’t.”
When he glanced down, he saw her looking up at him again, her eyes on his. He kissed her cheek, seeing the sadness still in her eyes.
“I hated myself, Allie,” he said. “A lot more than I hated humans. And I know you’ll understand at least part of why. Because while you were doing that, using your power in that way, a part of you enjoyed it.”
He paused, letting that sink in.
“To a part of you,” he added. “It felt right. Even when they died, it felt right.”
Seeing the stricken look in her eyes, he pulled her tighter against him.
“It can be like a drug at first,” he said. “Realizing what you can do. Feeling that connected to everything. It can also make death feel like a blessing for others… a gift.”
She looked up, and he saw the recognition in her eyes, mixed with a conflict nearly on the surface. He kissed her face, his voice serious.
“You learn to control that in time, Allie. I promise you. You learn to detach, to step back, to connect the means with the ends.” He caressed her hair. “While you’re in it those first few times–-the first time, especially––you can’t really do that. You can’t detach enough to see the results of your own actions. It’s impossible. It really is.”
He felt her tense, but he shook his head.
“You can’t change the facts, Allie. I’m sorry it had to happen to you like this, but you were lucky, in a way.”
Feeling the grief on her worsen again, he tightened his hands on her.
“Allie,” he said. “You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. You saved your team’s life. You killed, yes, and I know how badly that upsets you. But it could have been a lot worse.”
Feeling her disbelief, he slid his light into hers again, softening her pain.
“You didn’t kill indiscriminately, Allie. You have no idea how much I envy you for that. I know that won’t make sense to you right now… and it doesn’t make it all better, I know, but please remember my words. It could have been a lot worse.”
She returned his gaze that time, her head on his shoulder.
He swallowed at the sadness he saw in her eyes.
“If it had been me,” he said, softer. “I might have killed Wreg and the others, too. I wouldn’t have meant to, but I might have done it anyway. It would have felt like I was helping them, Allie… releasing them to be in the Barrier, to be one with everything again. I was so unhappy most of the time as a kid, death felt like such a tremendous gift. I would have done it because I loved them. I honestly couldn’t see anything but joy in it.”
He glanced down at her, feeling her hands tighten on his arms.
“I felt like I was doing the people I killed a tremendous service. I remember crying, I was so happy for them. Truthfully, I was envious. I wished I could go, too, but I felt duty-bound to stay.”
She looked up at him, still holding his arms. That time, he could tell from her expression that she’d heard him. His words had touched her, too, in a way he couldn’t quite interpret.
For a moment, he just held her, looking at the trees as she merged her light into his, stroking his arms with her fingers. When the grief he felt on her began to be replaced by tiredness, he caressed her hair.
“You want to go inside?”
She shook her head, holding him tighter.
He ran his fingers across her face, curling them deeper into her hair. “We got them all out, Allie,” he said. “All of the prisoners. Every last one. They’re on their way to Suriname right now, to get on a ship.”
Her low voice startled him.
“You got them out, you mean,” she said. “I was too busy blowing shit up. Killing people. Lighting fires…”
He fought a smile out of his light.
“And saving my people,” he said, kissing her. “And taking down a mainframe that ruined the lives of at least one hundred million seers… probably more.” Pausing, he smiled a little wider, unable to hide it anymore. “Baby, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but I’m so fucking proud of you, I could burst right now. You completely blew my mind. You blew all of our minds.” He caressed her face. “I think the whole team is still in shock, but once they recover, you’re going to have a fan club so big you won’t know what to do with all of them.”
She looked up at him, her eyes holding an open disbelief.
“A fan club?” she said. “For killing people?”
“No, wife… gaos.” Clicking at her, he brushed hair out of her face tenderly, kissing her mouth. “If I’d had any idea how dangerous it would be, I would never have let you go,” he confessed. “Sentient walls. A fucking mainframe the size of a city. Security protocols that kicked in about twice as fast as I thought they would. Organic machine parts being cooked in the basement. A second security team in the Black Arrow building. Did you not notice that most of our intel was complete shit? You got them past all of it, Allie… and my team came out without a scratch.” Thinking of Nikka, he amended,
“…Damn near, anyway. You did everything I asked you to do and more. If we weren’t married, I’d be following you around like a puppy, begging you to be with me.”
Shaking her head, she clicked at him softly.
He found himself staring at her as she did it, if only because it looked and sounded so natural on her now. He smiled when he realized he’d managed to amuse her, too, at least a little.
“I fucking adore you, Allie. You must know that, at least. I adore you… and I’m so grateful you were there, that you helped me with this.”
She rolled her eyes at him. “Because I’m a killer.”
“You’re not a killer,” he said, exasperated. “Allie, my team would follow you into a live volcano right now. Do you think that’s because they think you’re a killer? They know damned well you hated hurting people. They feel guilty as hell about it, especially Wreg. They think you did it for them.”
“Well, I didn’t.”
“Yes… you did,” he said. “Of course you did.” Seeing her frown, he shook her a little, tugging on the fingers of her hand. “Allie, don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not lying.”
“Then you’re not seeing this clearly. I picked up some from Nikka… and more from Wreg and Garensche. You ran out there on your own. You held the team back, more than once. Why would you do that, unless you were trying to keep them from being hurt?”
She frowned, staring into the jungle.
“I screwed everything up, Revik,” she said finally. “It’s going to be all over the news feeds now. They’ll know what we did. Even more people will want to kill us now. The humans will freak out––”
“So what?” he said, exasperated. “Who cares what the worms think? You saved our people’s lives. You completed the mission!”
“And that’s all that matters?”
“What should matter, Allie?” he said. “Would it have been better if all of you had been caught or killed? If you’d been put in a work camp? Tortured? Would it be better if we’d simply stayed home? Done nothing while more than half of our brothers and sisters are suffering the same treatment under human hands right now?”
He tugged on her hair, trying to get her to look at him.
“I know you don’t believe in the Myth, Allie… or my ancestors or my gods. But what about doing good? Helping others wh
o don’t have the same gifts? Why were we given these abilities, if not to help those weaker than us? Should we pretend we don’t have them? Say the hell with everyone else?”
Her frown deepened as she looked into the trees.
He caressed her face, and saw her eyes close when he put light into his fingers.
“You’ve never talked about religion before, Revik,” she said.
He felt himself tense, hesitating as he realized she was right.
He kept his tone light, shrugging vaguely with one hand.
“I didn’t think you wanted to hear it,” he said. “And that’s fine, Allie. That kind of thing is personal. Even for mates.”
She looked over at him, her light eyes reflecting sunlight, and a little surprise.
“It’s important to you,” she said. “Of course I want to hear it. I don’t think you’re trying to indoctrinate me, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
He shrugged again, sighing a little. Choosing his words with care, he kept his tone even as he gazed into the palm trees.
“A lot was pushed on me in that area, Allie.” Clicking to himself, he sighed again. “A lot. More than I’m really comfortable sharing, to be honest. I’m still figuring it out for myself. But the last thing I want to do is to push anything on you. Or anyone. For any reason.”
There was a silence.
She looked up at him then, and he was surprised to see tears in her eyes. Wiping them away with her fingers, she smiled, caressing his face.
“I love you, Revik,” she said. “More than anything.”
She said it softly, with such sincerity a pain rose in his heart.
“I’m not going to judge you for anything you believe,” she said.
“I didn’t say you would, Allie.”
But she shook her head. “All I meant is, if you’re okay to share that with me at some point… when you do figure it out, I mean… it’s something I’d really like to understand about you.” She leaned her head against his shoulder, adding, “Things aren’t as black and white for me in that area as you seem to think.”
Her eyes narrowed as she looked out at the palm trees.
“I don’t honestly know what I think,” she said. “Especially after all of that time with Tarsi and Vash. It’s just easier to tell everyone I think it’s all crap. It keeps the glassy-eyed fanatics at bay, and I don’t like having to explain myself. I don’t want to join anyone’s club, you know?” She wrapped her arm around his. “But I want to talk to you about things that matter to us. I want to talk to you about everything. Within reason, anyway.”
He found himself just looking at her, at a loss. Her words touched him though, more than he really knew how to express. Leaning down, he kissed her face, still caressing her hair.
“All right. We’ll talk about it then.” He kissed her again, holding her tighter against his chest. “Sometime. Not today, though.”
“Not today,” she agreed. Settling against him, she closed her eyes. “Too tired.”
He smiled. “Way too tired,” he agreed.
For a moment they just sat there, caressing each other slowly.
He smiled a little wider then, glancing back at the storage unit.
“I meant it about the fan club, Allie,” he said. “It’s a good thing I met you first. I think half of them would try to kill me in my sleep if we weren’t bonded… just to see if they could steal you from me.”
She pushed at his shoulder, clicking at him, shaking her head. He felt his chest loosen a little when he saw the faint smile on her lips.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, giving him a stern look. Her eyes softened. “They adore you, Revik. I thought I knew why before last night, but you blew my mind in there. I can’t believe the stuff you can do.”
Her eyes were so serious, he couldn’t help but smile back.
“I managed to impress my wife?” he said. “Really?”
She nodded solemnly. “Yes. Intimidate me a little maybe, too.”
He laughed. “Liar.”
“I’m not lying,” she said, her eyes serious again.
Looking at her jade green eyes, he got lost there briefly. Her body had softened in his arms, melted against the front of his where he cradled her––and now he felt himself fighting a reaction.
She smiled, as if seeing it on his face.
“So that’s what this was about,” she said. “Cheer me up so you can get your celebration-for-successful-terrorism sex?” She lifted an eyebrow. “Or is it, my-idiot-wife-managed-not-to-get-us-both-killed sex?”
He glanced at the door to the storage space, feeling himself flush a little. He couldn’t decide if his pulling had offended her.
Given that she’d just been crying, he decided to back things down.
“We need to debrief around what happened,” he said, letting his voice turn business-like. “And they won’t come out and say it, but they want you to celebrate with them. You came out of there as their leader, so it’s part of the job, love.”
“The job, huh? For you, too?”
He looked at her. A sliver of pain caught him when he saw her eyes on his mouth. He felt pain on her then, and averted his gaze.
“We did what we came for, you know,” he finished, a little lamely. He looked at her again when she stroked his arm. “We should go back inside, Allie. Before I forget I’m supposed to be a good husband right now, and not try to seduce my wife when she’s sad.”
He saw grief touch her eyes again, a kind of muted pain, and his hands tightened on her. He kicked himself for his choice of words.
“Allie,” he said. “I’m sorry. This was all my fault. I shouldn’t have asked you to come.” He hesitated. “I can’t honestly say I regret it. We would have failed without you, but if you’re mad at me, I understand. I broke our agreement.”
She shook her head, her eyes distant again.
“No you didn’t,” she said. “I broke it.”
He clicked at her softly. “Allie… stop it.”
“Did you kill anyone, Revik?” she asked him, meeting his gaze.
Revik hesitated, trying to decide which she’d rather hear. He sighed then, realizing she’d probably know if he was lying, anyway.
“No,” he admitted. “I almost had to… but no. No deaths.” He smiled at her sad look, trying to coax a smile out of her. “A lot of people who’ll have hangovers tomorrow,” he said. “And a few shot in the legs.”
She slid a hand inside his jacket, then under his shirt. He held her tighter when she started caressing his chest. He continued to watch her eyes though, trying to decide what he was seeing in them.
“Allie,” he said. “You know I’ve killed before. More than you ever will. More than you ever could. You’re just not a killer, wife.”
She gave him a sharp look at that, her fingers taut on his skin.
“Is that what you are?” she said. “A killer, Revik?”
She distracted him as she said it, putting her hands on his belt. He was hard in about two seconds when she started unhooking the clasp.
“I’ll be whatever you want me to be, Allie,” he murmured.
Her eyes changed again, focusing on his. For a moment, he saw grief there again, mixed with a near-confusion, almost indecision.
Before he could ask, she leaned towards him, kissing his mouth.
Tightening his legs around her, he kissed her back. Seconds later, pain nearly crippled him when she put her hands on him, her light winding into his. He gasped against her when she started massaging his erection… then his mind shifted into something close to neutral, right before he started ripping open the armor she still wore. He had his hand inside her pants a few seconds later, and groaned against her mouth when she arched against his fingers.
It wasn’t until some time later that he could think clearly again.
Not long after that, he realized in a kind of fevered daze that he’d never even brought up what he intended to talk to her about when he went out there.
40
DECISION POINT
THE ENTIRE CHAMBER grew silent.
The images played on the wall screen of the theater room inside the Imperial Residence, and not a one of them moved, or spoke, even with the sound turned down. Cass sat next to Jon. She saw his eyes close, then open again, as if unable to look away when the replay occurred for the second, third, even a fourth time, seemingly right in a row.
The network feeds would play nothing else for days now, Cass knew.
Possibly weeks.
Cass watched Allie, barely recognizing her. She wore what looked like a black cat suit. Knowing Revik, it probably consisted of some kind of expensive organic body armor––but more amazing was the sheer fact that he’d let her come along on his little escapade at all.
He had changed, if he was liking the married couple conducting terrorism together thing.
Allie looked exactly like what the feeds called her, a dangerous insurgent, a baby Syrimne. Cass couldn’t help but notice she looked beautiful as well, like some kind of exotic animal with her high cheekbones and those cat-like green eyes glowing in her face. She half-crouched in a combat stance, carrying no visible weapons apart from herself. The image recorders caught her from a slightly elevated angle, so her eyes only grew visible when she looked up, but the rings of pale green cast arcs that illuminated her face even from above.
In slow motion, the recorder showed her put out a hand, right before a curl of white… something… blossomed out of her fingertips like liquid fire.
It exploded the grenades worn across the shoulder of a man aiming a gun at her, and Cass saw a thick wall of… again, something… envelop Allie, like a white shield made of fire. The shield pushed the force of the explosion off her body too quickly for Cass to track with her eyes when they played it forward at full speed. That white light flared up around her in a dense curve, protecting her seemingly the instant the grenades ignited.
The explosion blew over and around her as if she wore the windshield of a car.
Then Allie just stood there again, her eyes and face showing that same, dense focus. It wasn’t a cruel look, or even a particularly aggressive one. Her eyes showed her to be somewhere else, as if directing the action from some distant place away from that burning hallway.
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