She braced her hands on the mattress. “Yes. Mom will take this pretty hard, but I sort of warned her.”
He pulled a chair beside the bed. “Sherri, if there’s anything I can do...anything at all.” His face was so close to hers, his eyes so clear, so aware of her.
She forced her eyes away from his and tugged the sheet up around her neck, her body flooding with heat and longing and desperation. “Thank you. I assume you’ll set up the testing protocol you want me to follow and order the type of insulin you want me to take.”
She closed her eyes to blank out the feelings of loss, forcing her mind to remember how he’d hurt her. She could defend herself against the attraction rushing through her, even against the thought of how different this moment would be if they were husband and wife, but his concern was threatening to slip past the protective wall she’d so meticulously built around her.
“Is there anything else I can do?”
“No. Nothing.”
“Sherri, I want to help you through this. I let you down once, but I won’t this time, I’m sorry—”
She held up her hands to block his words. “Sorry is such an easy word to say when the damage is done, and we’ve both moved on.”
Was he really feeling guilty about what he’d done? She’d convinced herself that he hadn’t felt guilty at all. Seeing him now, she couldn’t help but wonder if he might have changed.
His eyes darkened. “And sorry seems to be about all I get to say to you these days.”
“Not my fault.” She couldn’t resist saying it, anything to vent some of the anger burning in her stomach.
“I understand completely.”
You understand nothing.
“This is not the time to discuss anything other than what I have to do next.”
“Sherri, please let me help you.”
“Why?”
He rubbed his face. “Because I can’t go on like this. When we met that day in the clinic, when I asked you to have dinner with me, I was really asking for a chance to talk to you.”
“Why?” she repeated.
“Because I hurt you, and I need for you to tell me everything, good or bad.”
He didn’t understand what he was asking of her, but she was too distraught and too tired to care any more about him or his life. Worried, she turned on him. “You left me to face raising our child on my own without a thought to how I’d do that. When I most needed your love and care and attention, I was left to face the questions of a small town where everyone knew me. I was forced to leave my career behind while you went on with yours.”
He moved toward her. “But you wouldn’t take my calls. And when I called your mom, she didn’t seem to know anything about what was going on with you other than you were in Bangor doing your nursing program. I didn’t know who else to call who might be able to reach you. Finally I just gave up. I realize that was wrong, and I should have gone to Bangor,” he said calmly as he watched her.
“And why should I have taken your calls? You couldn’t be bothered to come home when I told you about the baby. I needed you to help me figure out what we should do.”
I wanted you to marry me. To make our love legitimate along with our baby.
“The fact that you didn’t want our baby, that you would deny your son a chance to be raised with a father whose name he’d have was the act of a coward.” She never thought she’d say those words out loud, but now that she had, she couldn’t take them back.
“I was young and ambitious and stupid. And I made a terrible mistake. Haven’t you ever made a mistake you wished you could change?”
Not recognizing the seriousness of Sam’s alcohol addiction came to mind, but that was none of Neill’s business. Besides, she hadn’t abandoned Sam when she’d discovered the truth about his drinking. “We all make mistakes, just not ones as big as yours. You chose not to be a father, while I had no choice but to cope in whatever way I could. If our baby had lived, how do you think he would have reacted now? Would you have come back here to Eden Harbor? Would you have finally taken responsibility for your son?”
Neill covered his face with his hands. “I didn’t know our baby was a boy.”
“And you weren’t interested in finding out, were you?” she asked, gritting her teeth, fighting to keep her anger under control.
He met her angry stare, his voice low with longing. “Sherri, please don’t do this. I can’t make up for the past and will have to live with that and what I did for the rest of my life.”
The look in his eyes cut to her heart. “Neill, I wish you had come home to me. I wish I’d had the courage to insist that you meet me in Bangor. But I didn’t dare insist on seeing you because deep inside I believed I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t smart enough. I wasn’t anything like the woman you’d want to marry. As much as you claimed to love me, I simply couldn’t trust that love. And when you didn’t immediately say you were on your way to me, I took that to mean you were never really in love with me.”
“How could you ever believe something like that? I loved you. I wanted you in Boston with me, part of my life, but you wouldn’t leave and come with me after graduation. Besides, when you called about the baby, why didn’t you insist that I come home then?”
“I told you I was expecting our baby. Why wasn’t that enough for you to tell me you’d meet me in Bangor?” She felt her voice begin to shake and was mortified that he might see her tears.
She’d vowed twelve years ago that he’d never see her cry, and somehow she had to hang on to her pride. Her pride was all she had left when it came to Neill. And now his pleading eyes threatened everything. The urge to collapse into his arms, forgive him and try to put the past behind her had her teetering on the edge of capitulation.
“I want to forgive you someday, to be able to look at you and realize that what we once had was worth all the pain. But what you did altered my life forever. My dreams of a life with you were lost when you rejected our son.”
“Oh, God!” He ran his hands through his hair, and despite the emotional situation she couldn’t help noticing the few gray hairs near his temples. “I would do anything to make it up to you.” He reached for her.
She couldn’t let him touch her, to feel his skin on hers, to face the reality that she wanted to forgive him, needed to forgive him. And it was only in that moment of dire pain and awash in memories that she could admit to herself that she needed to forgive him to set her heart free. “Don’t. Please don’t touch me.”
“I’m...sorry—”
“Don’t say that word! You carried on with your life while I was nearly destroyed.”
No. He had no right to her secrets—ever.
He had no right to hurt her or to help her.
All that was left for her was to escape from him, from Eden Harbor, and find a new life where she might have a chance, once and for all, to drive him out. “This is all wrong,” she said as gently as she could.
“What is?”
“You came here to discuss my diabetes. I need time to get used to the idea that I have a chronic illness.”
“Sherri—”
“If you don’t mind, I’d like you to leave while I get dressed. I want to go home.”
He closed the file, got up from the chair and walked out of the room.
* * *
SHERRI WAS STILL in shock when she left the hospital later that day. When she told her mother her diagnosis, Colleen had immediately offered to stay with her for a couple of nights, just to be certain everything went okay as she started her insulin and got accustomed to testing her blood sugar.
She was taking her mom out for lunch to tell her more about the new job in Portsmouth and as a thank-you for staying with her. She’d hoped she could convince her to accompany her to Portsmouth while she hunted for a place to live, but
Colleen seldom left Eden Harbor.
She found her mother’s need to remain in a community whose condemnation she’d feared all these years really strange. After Ed’s first arrest on drug trafficking charges, Colleen had never seemed the same. She went to her job at Leonard’s Grocery as if nothing was wrong. But the quiet sobbing coming from her mother’s bedroom late at night had kept Linda and Sherri awake worrying about her. The brave face her mother offered to the world had proved futile against the final humiliation when Eddie was arrested a second time in her driveway.
Determined to forget the past and move on with her life, Sherri had awakened with a plan to retrieve her patient record from Neill’s office. She’d called to see if Ethel, the longtime secretary who worked in the office, would be in by ten o’clock and found out she would. What she planned to do wasn’t very professional, but in her mind she had no choice.
Parking her car in the parking lot, she took a deep breath to calm her nerves. This was it. Now or never. Blocking the anxious thoughts reeling through her mind, she hurried upstairs. Ethel’s smile was warm as Sherri entered. Suddenly Sherri realized that Ethel would almost certainly mention to Neill that she’d taken her chart.
She couldn’t let him know the details of her problems in Bangor—the fact that she’d wanted to die and nearly had. She hadn’t told anyone else. There was no way she was going to let Neill see any reference to that time in her chart, no matter what she had to do.
“Ethel, how are you?”
“I’m fine. Waiting for Dr. Brandon to come through the door. His ex-wife left a message for him. Don’t know why she called here when he’s always got his cell phone with him. Honestly! What is the world coming to when a good doctor like him is chained to a caterwauling piece of plastic?”
Sherri had to smile. Ethel Stairs had been a fixture in Dr. Nicolas Brandon’s office for years, and everyone knew just how much she cared for him and his patients even though she often scolded him about his long hours. Neill was probably in the throes of learning how Ethel operated the office, including her need to be kept informed about everything that was going on. But cell phones had clearly usurped her position as the central monitoring device for all the doctor’s activities, and the woman didn’t like that change.
Ethel scanned her morning appointments, her bobbed hair sleek and perfectly groomed. “What can I do for you? You don’t have an appointment.”
“I know, but I need my chart to check something...the dates of past immunizations.” Why hadn’t she been prepared for that question? She needed to focus on what she was doing. If Neill should arrive... She couldn’t let her mind go there.
Ethel tapped her fingers, their bright red tips in sharp contrast to the blond wood of the desktop. “Immunizations? Are you going out of the country?”
Ethel’s suspicious expression made Sherri’s palms sweat. If Ethel caught on to what she was up to... “No. I just wanted to be sure I was up to date. The flu outbreak reminded me that I haven’t checked—”
“Oh. You’re worried, and I don’t blame you. So let me find your chart. Dr. Nicolas kept excellent records.” She got up and went to the filing cabinet to look for it, pulling open the appropriate drawer. “It’ll only take me a minute,” she said, just as the phone rang.
Ethel’s indecision over whether to pick up the ringing phone or pull the chart made for a perfect opportunity. “Go ahead and answer it,” Sherri said. “I can find my chart.”
The indecision gone from her expression, Ethel moved back to the desk. “You find what you’re looking for, honey, and I’ll see who this is.”
Sherri quickly found her chart, the obstetrician’s report describing her hospitalization after the loss of her son and the psychological assessment done on her, and suddenly her hands were shaking. She couldn’t let Neill see the report from the psychiatrist, this humiliating proof of how completely devastated she’d been when Patrick had died. She rubbed her left wrist with her right hand. This was her past, her life, and Neill had no right to sit in his office and read it at his leisure, which he would certainly do when he made his physician’s notes about her diabetes.
She lifted the file out of its file folder and shoved it deep into her handbag before gently closing the file drawer. Ethel was having a very animated conversation with someone on the phone, giving Sherri the break she needed. Holding up a scrap of paper, pretending she’d noted down her immunization dates, she waved and ducked out of the office.
She made it to the bank of elevators, her hands trembling as she hugged her purse close to her side. When the doors opened, Neill stood there, a somber expression on his face.
“Here you are.” His eyebrows arched quizzically. “I was looking for you. I called your house. When you didn’t answer, I called your mom’s house. She said you were meeting her for lunch at the Sage Bistro. What are you doing here?”
Now what? She couldn’t lie, but telling him the truth was out of the question. Feeling her chest tighten, she forced her legs to move toward the elevator.
His arm blocked her path. “Wait. Where are you going?”
CHAPTER FIVE
SHERRI WAS THE last person Neill had expected in his office today, even though she’d been on his mind. With her standing in front of him, he had the perfect opportunity to insist that she stay and see him in his office before he began returning calls. He wanted to reassure her that he’d get her in to see the best endocrinologist in Bangor as soon as possible.
“You’re just the person I need to talk to,” he said.
Her expression was a mixture of trepidation and defiance. Had something happened to bring her to his office this morning? He looked closer and noticed the sheen of perspiration on her forehead. “Are you feeling okay?”
“Neill, I’m sorry, but it’ll have to wait. I’ve got an urgent...” She clutched the strap of her purse. “I have to go.”
“Your mother will wait for you at the bistro.”
She stepped onto the elevator and turned to press the button, her gaze fixed on the floor indicator light above the doors. “Yes, and I’m late.”
He blocked the door. “I assume you’ve started on your insulin.”
She licked her lips. “Yes.”
There was something suspicious about the way she refused to meet his eyes. “Come back to my office with me.” He beckoned her to get off the elevator and come with him down the corridor.
She hesitated before stepping off the elevator. “Can’t we do this later?” She brushed her hair off her face, exposing her damp forehead.
He moved closer. “Sherri, you’re perspiring.”
She stepped back and squinted as she searched the corridor. “It’s hot in here, that’s all.”
“It’s not, and you know it. What’s going on?”
She hugged her purse, her lips forming a tight line. “I—I really have to go.”
With that, she strode down the corridor toward the red exit light indicating the door to the stairs. Without breaking stride, she yanked open the door and charged through it. The door slapped closed behind her.
“What the hell?” he muttered.
Sherri was upset about something, and whatever it was, he hoped Ethel would know. He walked toward his office, passing several other doctors’ offices along the way.
He stopped. Maybe she’d been on this floor to see someone other than him, a doctor she didn’t want him to know about. There were two family physicians’ offices and a gynecologist. Had she decided to change family doctors? He hadn’t thought about it before, but maybe she was uncomfortable with him being her physician. The relationship between them was difficult given their past, and she might have decided to find some other doctor to care for her while she adapted to having diabetes. He was still mulling it over when he arrived at Ethel’s desk.
“Ethel, did Sherri Lawson com
e in here?”
Ethel glanced up, a neat frown between her dark eyes, her black-framed glasses perched on her forehead. “Yes, she did. She was here a little while ago, and I have to say that she’s certainly improved her appearance. That new hairstyle, and without glasses she looks years younger. And of course she’s lost weight—”
“What did she want?”
Ethel put her pen down and pursed her lips. “She seemed anxious. She was looking for her immunization record.” She glanced around her desk, her frown deepening. “I was about to get it for her when the phone rang,” she said, her eyes darting from the filing cabinet to her desk.
“Why would she want her immunization record?”
Ethel shrugged. “Don’t know, other than she seemed worried about the flu.”
So she hadn’t been looking for a new family doctor, a fact that made him unreasonably relieved. Still...Neill shook his head in disbelief. “That doesn’t make any sense at all.”
“Maybe not, but that’s all I know about it. In the meantime...” Ethel leaned forward and grabbed a sheaf of pink message slips. “Dr. Brandon, you had a call from your ex-wife, one from the medical director at the hospital and another from a Dr. Reynolds at the Children’s Hospital in Boston.”
“Thanks. I’ll return the calls in my office,” he said, distracted by the call from the Children’s Hospital and what it might mean.
He’d put a call in to Dr. Reynolds the day after Morgan’s seizure. He and Lilly had chatted with him to reaffirm that he didn’t see a need for Morgan to return to his pediatric neurological unit unless she had another seizure. His pulse picking up speed, he dialed the number, which was instantly answered by Dr. Reynolds.
“Hi, Neill. Thanks for getting back to me. Lilly called me, concerned about Morgan, and I thought I should check in with you and see what’s going on.”
“I’m surprised Lilly would have called you. She was here with Morgan a few weeks ago, and she saw how well Morgan was doing after her seizure. There’s been no change in Morgan’s condition since then.”
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