by Toni Aleo
“That’s bullshit,” he says protectively. “He should be proud.”
“Yeah, but he isn’t. He knows my plans for finishing school, opening my own gym, and bringing my mom here. I’m competition now.”
He kisses my temple. “I think it’s badass.”
“Thanks.”
“So I guess we have all of winter break together,” he says, and I look up at him.
When he waggles his brows, I grin. “We do.”
“Seems like a good time to burn a card.”
“It does.”
“And you can come spend the holidays with my family and me.”
“I’d love that.”
“So would I.”
He kisses my temple, and while everything he just said gives me a giddy, breathless feeling, something is bothering me. Gazing up at him, I ask, “Since I’ll be here for school for a few years, will you come visit me when you’re a hotshot hockey player taking the world by storm?”
He sends me a grin, his eyes burning into mine. “Every chance I get.”
My heart constricts in my chest. I don’t know why I even put my next question out there. Things are so good, but I ask, “So, we will break up when you leave?”
He stiffens beside me, and I look out in front of us. “I don’t know.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t want to, but you can’t build a gym everywhere I go.”
“Yeah, true.”
“I want to believe you and I will be forever, but I’m not naïve. You have a plan, and it’s a damn good one. I want to fit into it, but I wouldn’t.”
I chew on my lip. “And I wouldn’t try to fit you in there if it was going to mess with your career.”
“I know,” he murmurs. “But we don’t have to worry about that stuff right now.”
“Yeah.”
“So, hush,” he demands, and I beam up at him. “And kiss me like we have forever.”
I do, but I can’t ignore that gut-wrenching feeling in my soul.
We may not have forever, but I think I want it.
Chapter Thirty
Ryan
Practice was gruesome and awful. I almost puked, not once, not even twice, but three times. Coach gave it to us so hard. He was pissed, and he wanted everyone to know it. My thighs are still pulsating from all the work I put in today. After waddling to the parking lot, I get in my truck and head off-campus. I’m a man on a mission, and while I could have said something to Coach, I want to talk to Shea first.
The ride to my aunt and uncle’s is almost forty minutes, but it’s mostly highway, so I don’t mind it. The radio is blaring, the windows are down, and my mind is solely focused on getting what I want. But then, there is also a whole lot of Sofia on my mind too. I can still taste that mouth of hers. Smell the foam from the pit and feel her body beneath mine. I wasn’t into the whole foam pit at first, but being there with her, surrounded by all the squishy blocks, I understood what she was saying. It did feel safe in there, but I think that was mostly her.
Man, I am in some trouble. I don’t understand the feelings swirling deep in my gut, but I can’t ignore them. They stare me right in the eye every time I stare into hers. I feel them in my heart, yet I know damn well they’ll complicate things. When she asked about when I leave for my career, I couldn’t control the dread that started to suffocate me. I hadn’t even thought about leaving her. Leaving, sure. But in my head, she’d be with me. That wouldn’t happen, though. For good reason.
I can’t think of that now.
I’ll drive myself crazy if I do.
I pull into the driveway of Shea and Elli’s stunning stone home and park behind his truck before turning mine off. I lean back in the seat and try to calm my heart as I gaze up at his house. It’s as massive as his career was. Three stories, big, beautiful windows, and the inside is as perfect as any Country Home magazine. Elli wouldn’t have it any other way. I remember when Shea had this built for Elli. I was close to six, maybe, but I remember running through here with them and helping pick colors for Shelli’s room. They always wanted a huge family, so there are so many rooms, even Amelia and I had our own bedrooms for the longest time.
Man, I have so many memories here.
I get out of the truck and tuck my hands into my worn jeans as I head toward the front door. But before I get there, Shea calls my name.
“Ryan, come back this way so the kids don’t attack you.”
God bless him. “Yeah, good idea.”
I join him at the side of the house, and he wraps an arm around my shoulders. “How ya doing?”
“Eh, practice was brutal.”
“You guys took a beating last night,” he says, shaking his head. “I shut the TV off after that fourth goal.”
I smirk. “So you missed my beauty?”
“You mean your-lucky-as-hell goal?” he says with a knowing look.
“Yup,” I say proudly before both of us start laughing.
We head out to the fire pit at the back of the property. I don’t usually like coming out here. This was where Shea and my dad would hide from us. A wave of emotion always hits me when I see the fire pit. I can still see my dad in his chair, his feet on the edge of the pit, with a cigar hanging from his lips and a beer in each hand. He had to drink, dealing with all of us.
“Want a beer?” When I nod, he hands me one. “Don’t tell your mom.”
I laugh. “She knows I drink occasionally. I’m not an idiot, though.”
“Of course you’re not. You know I’ll kill you.”
“Exactly,” I agree as I sit back in one of the Adirondack chairs. I set my feet up on the fire pit before taking a long pull of the beer he handed me. “So, anything new?”
He shrugs, shaking his head. “Same ole, same ole. Kids are running me into the ground, I see my wife as much as I see my eldest, and I feel really old lately.”
My lips turn up. “Well, you’re still a superhero in my eyes.”
Shea scoffs. “Yeah, that’s what keeps me going. You kids.” We share a small smile before we toast our beers to each other. He lowers his beer before I do and looks over at me. “So, DJ told me you’re one of the best interns he’s ever had.”
I roll my eyes. “Aren’t I one of the only?”
“I asked that, and he informed me that was not the case. He’s had a few, but no one has ever been so willing to learn but also so damn knowledgeable. Easy to say I walked around with my chest puffed up a bit. I was like, yup, that’s my nephew. I called your mom and everything.”
A grin pulls at my lips. “Thanks. It’s been awesome, and I like the guys. Did you hear I saved Johansson’s leg?”
He beams over at me. “That’s what I’m talking about. DJ was over the moon with you. He said he knew as soon as you pointed out the swelling, but the fact that you jumped right into action really impressed him.”
I nod, and I’m still proud of myself. “That’s awesome. I should get a great evaluation.”
“Hell, I’d say so.”
A comfortable silence falls between us, and I nurse my beer with my thoughts heavy on my heart. I run my finger along the rim of my beer, trying to get my words together so I sound like I have my shit together. I do, it’s just that I’ve hit a roadblock, and I want to navigate this right. With his help.
When my phone signals a text, I put it out and switch the sound off. I notice that it’s Sofia, though. I put my beer on the ground and open the text.
Sofia: You done with practice?
Me: Hey, yeah. I drove out to see my uncle.
Sofia: Oh, I need help with this stupid paper for computer science. Can you text me when you get back? Help me out? I can pay with kisses and maybe a little more if you help me get an A.
Me: Hell yeah. Give me an hour or so.
Sofia: Sounds good.
Sofia: I can’t wait to see you.
Me: Same here, babe.
When she sends me the kissy face emoji, I send her one back and grin. I swear that class
is going to be her undoing. It was hard, but I got out of there with solid A. I know she can too. I tuck my phone back into my pocket and grab my beer before noticing Shea is staring at me. A knowing look sits on his face, and for the first time, I see the aging he was speaking of. He has laugh lines all around his mouth and wrinkles by his eyes. In no way is he old in my eyes, but he doesn’t look like the guy I called Unky until I was eight.
I realized it wasn’t cool then, but Shea, he’ll always be cool to me.
“Who’s giving you that grin?”
I smile, running my free hand through my hair, probably making it a mess, but I don’t care. “This girl I can’t get out of my head.”
Shea chuckles softly. “Well, I know she has a name.”
I look away, a tad shy. “Sofia. She’s Amelia’s friend, the really great gymnast? We’re dating.”
That sounds so juvenile. We aren’t dating. She’s my girlfriend. That sounds childish too.
She’s everything.
Just everything.
Shea’s eyes widen, and he shoots me an impressed grin. “Well, hell. I didn’t realize you were dating.”
“I didn’t realize I wanted to until I met her.”
“Oh man, be careful with her. She’ll have you falling head over heels in love with her if she’s anything like Elli,” Shea says, and the smile that covers his face could tell his whole love story with my aunt.
I think it was right after my dad died when Shea told me how he fell for Elli. He wanted something to cheer me up, and it all started when he shared with me the first time she met my dad. That Dad knew she was the one for Shea the moment he met her. When Shea reminisced about walking up to her at a team party, I felt like I was there. The way he described her hair, her face, and he still remembered the shoes she wore. To this day, Shea thinks he fell in love with her at that moment. I was some damaged kid who didn’t really want to hear it, but it stuck with me. I wanted a girl who made me remember the smallest of details about her.
While I know it’s only been a little over a month, I can vividly see the way Sofia pokes her tongue into her cheek when she’s deep in thought or doing a skill for gymnastics.
Jesus. She’s got me bad. Swallowing hard, I say, “Yeah, I hear that.”
“So, tell me about her?”
I can’t stop my smile as I take a breath and begin. “She’s absolutely incredible. Beautiful, I mean so damn beautiful. She has this laugh that you feel in your gut, and she is extremely talented. She has big goals, big dreams, and I just can’t get enough of her drive. Shit, I can’t get enough of her. She’s just amazing.”
He chuckles. “Well hell, she sounds like something.”
“She’s perfection,” I breathe, and he sends me a small grin.
“When can I meet her?”
“I’m gonna ask Elli if I can bring her to Thanksgiving.”
“She’ll say yes.”
“I know.”
Shea nods as he holds out his beer to me. “My boy is growing up before my eyes.”
“I’m trying,” I say, taking a long pull, and gone is the confidence Sofia brings me.
Just like that, I’m unsure of myself. I didn’t think this was going to be hard. I’d come in, we’d make a game plan, and I’d leave. But I’m freaking out that I didn’t have this taken care of. I wonder if I did fuck up. I guess I should have taken the EHL when I had the chance. Now, I might not get anything.
But then I hear Sofia in my head.
Losers stay down. Winners pick themselves up and find a way to win.
I’m a fucking winner.
I look up and find Shea watching me. He shrugs, a grin on his lips. “So, what’s up? What’s bothering you?”
I almost ask how he knew something was bothering me, but that would be pointless. This is Shea. He knows me like the back of his hand. He’s one of my biggest cheerleaders. He’s basically my best friend. I clear my throat and meet his gaze. “My buddy got a meeting with the IceCats.”
Shea nods slowly. “That’s great.”
“Yeah, except he’s a sophomore, and I’m a senior with no leads, no meetings, no nothing. My coach treats me like shit, like I’m a nuisance almost, and I’m feeling more than a little defeated lately.”
Shea holds my gaze but only for a second before he looks down. His shoulders are back, taut, and I brace for what he is about to say. “What do you mean?”
“Shea, I haven’t met with a scout or a team since May of last year when that scout said he wanted to see how I do this year.”
Shea raises his brow. “What’s Tommy saying?” he asks, speaking of my agent.
I shrug, unsure. “I called and left a message, but when I saw him at the beginning of the year, he told me he was working on it and he’d be in contact with me.”
He looks down at his beer. “I mean, I can lie to you, Ryan, but I won’t.”
“I know.”
“But, buddy, that doesn’t sound good.”
My heart falls into my gut. “That’s what I was worried about.”
“I thought you were meeting with teams, scouts—”
“I did meet with some scouts, but none of them stuck. I thought Coach and I were good, but lately, he just seems sort of done with me. I’m not exactly sure why. Ever since he didn’t pick me for captain, everything’s gone to shit.”
“You were up for it?”
“Yeah, our captain tested positive, and it was between me and my buddy who’s meeting with the IceCats. He got it.”
“What the hell? What’s going on with Coach Moore?”
“I don’t know, but I haven’t asked because I don’t think I want to hear the truth.”
He lifts his brows. “What do you mean?”
“That I’m not going to make it.” He presses his lips together, his eyes filling with apprehension, and I have to look away. “I’m going to do everything I can, but it seems like I’m stuck, not moving, and I messed up by not going into the EHL.”
Shea shakes his head, his stern voice filling the backyard. “You’re too good to waste away in the EHL, Ryan. Your plan of playing for the Bullies and finishing up school was solid. I believe in it, or I would have told you to go into the EHL. But I truly believe you’re made for the NHL, or at least the AHL to pay your dues.”
I couldn’t agree more. I believed in my plan too. “Maybe I focused too much on school?”
Shea shakes his head violently. “You’re smart as a whip, Ryan. You did right,” he stresses. “Because, at the end of the day, if this doesn’t work out or you get hurt, you have your education.”
My shoulders fall, and I feel crushed.
“Ryan, look at me.” I do as he asks, and his eyes plead with mine. “Buddy, I know you love hockey, and I’m going to do everything in my power to help you make those dreams a reality—”
“But I need to be realistic and know that I might not make it.”
Shea inhales sharply. “Well, yes. But also, I don’t think you chose this major lightly. Especially when you’ve always had your dad’s company to fall back on. You’re not dumb. You wanted a backup plan, and buddy, you have it. I know you love training.”
“Yeah, I do. But I want to be on the ice, not beside it.”
Shea leans on his knees, holding out his free hand to me. “And I get it. I miss playing every day, but I’m still in the sport. With a training career, you’ll be in the sport, and you’ll be a part of the team. I need you to realize that.”
I don’t, though. I don’t see it that way. I see it as a cop-out.
When he smacks my knee, I look up at him.
“I see it all over your face. You know not making it in won’t mean you’re a failure, right?”
A failure is exactly what I feel like, but to save face, I shrug. “Yeah, I guess.”
“No, Ryan. I promise you, none of us will think that.”
I can’t take it anymore. I hold up my hand to stop him. “I don’t want to think about that yet. I want to get int
o the NHL. Can you guide me?” Shea presses his lips together, and I can see in his eyes, he knows I’ve already failed. He just doesn’t want to say it. “You don’t believe I’ll make it,” I accuse, and he shakes his head.
“It’s not that. I want to believe you can, but I also thought your agent was doing his job.”
My heart drops back into my stomach and is burned to shit by the acid that swirls around it. Maybe I should have been doing more. Been in the rink more. In Coach’s face. I think I knew my dream was going to shit the moment he didn’t give me captain. Maybe because Sofia told me it didn’t matter. That it wouldn’t help. At first, I agreed with her. Now I know that was a mistake. This whole month I should have been doing things differently, and I should have been focusing on hockey and my studies instead of Sofia.
But I’ve been doing that all four years I’ve been on the Bullies, and nothing has changed.
Plus, I couldn’t stop what I am feeling for Sofia if I wanted to.
She fascinates me.
Fuck.
When Shea clears his throat, I look up. “Let me make some phone calls, and then we’ll go from there.”
“Thanks.”
He gives me a curt nod. “We’ll get this figured out.”
I smile. “And we’re sure Elli can’t just sign me?”
I said it to make him laugh, but he shakes his head. “Elli loves you and doesn’t want to put that label on your head. You want to make it because of your talent, not because your aunt owns a team and she put you on it.”
“I know that,” I agree. I’ve always known that. “I was joking.”
He stands up, and I do the same before he envelops me in a hug. “No matter what, I am over the moon proud of you. And I know your dad is too.”
That chokes me up. I hug my uncle, feeling safe and as if everything is okay. I want to be confident and know that this will work out, but I’m not.
I know I’ve already failed.
What bothers me most is that I’m not as upset as I thought I’d be. I thought I would be devastated. But over the last couple months, subconsciously, I think I knew I wouldn’t make it. I’ve talked a big game and I’ve done the work, but maybe that’s why my dad didn’t push for this. He knew the truth. He knew I wasn’t made for the NHL. Or maybe I did worry too much about my education. But who can fault me for that? I don’t. I knew I wanted a major, not like some guys who just stay undecided until they have to. I wanted more.