by K Carr
“Megan,” I said firmly. “It’s Daddy’s turn to visit. We’ve been here for over two hours, and I’m sure you’re getting hungry.”
“No,” She started crying into his shoulder and his face fell as he hugged her back.
“Megan.” This time I let a measure of authority slip into my tone. “That’s enough now.”
“Jen, please,” Connor’s pained request made my resolve waver. He looked exhausted.
“Why can’t we come home, Daddy?” Megan wailed. “Why don’t you want us to come home? I want to go back home with you.”
“What?” Connor exclaimed in horror. “Oh no, pumpkin, that’s not true at all. Of course I want you home. I miss you and mommy so much. I miss you every day.” His voice was hoarse with emotions. His distraught eyes pleaded with me over her shoulder.
“Megan,” I called once more. “Come on now. You were fine five min-”
“Jennifer.” The level of authority my mother used in her voice far outweighed mine when I had been speaking to Megan.
“What?” I groused.
She raised one eyebrow and stared me down until I lowered my gaze in shame. Clearing her throat, she clasped her hands in front of her like a wise elder about to decree the law. Then she did what all good mothers do: made you toe the fucking line whenever they felt you were stepping past it.
In a pleasant voice she said, “It’ll be nice for Meg and her Dad to be here together.” Mom narrowed her eyes at me. “The same way you and Meg spent time here, together, she should be able to do that with her Dad, the two of them, together,” She unclasped her hands and beckoned me over.
“But,” My worried gaze went from Connor holding our sobbing daughter back to my mom. “But,” How could I phrase it with Megan in earshot? I couldn’t!
Sensing my worry, Mom beckoned me to her side once more. “Why don’t you go and have a coffee at that nearby café we drove past?”
“But, I’ll have to take the car,” I looked at Connor and Megan again. “How-”
“I’ll wait here,” Mom smiled at Connor. “And Connor can drop us off at the café when we’ve finished visiting, can’t you?”
“I can.” he was quick to agree. He lifted Megan’s head up from his shoulder. “Hmm? How does that sound, Meggie? We’ll meet Mommy at the café in a little bit, yeah?”
“O-ok,” she managed to say amidst her sniffles.
I didn’t want to leave without my daughter and my mom, but did I really have a choice? Megan was upset, truly upset, at the prospect of not being with her dad. Fuck. Mom was right. It wasn’t fair to her. It was hurting her. I was hurting her by my inability to forgive my husband. She hadn’t seen him in two and a half weeks. That was a lifetime for a child, and she was such a Daddy’s girl, always had been. She was our first baby, adored in a way only firstborn babies were. The wonder, the newness, the shockingly unmeasurable love…Megan represented the ‘forever’ of our love, Cory was the ‘and ever’. Our forever and ever. Now it was all ruined.
“Fine.” I croaked out, trying my best not to cry in front of them. “I’ll see you at the café.”
“Thank you.” Connor said with feeling as he swung Megan into a side hold. “I’ll try not to be too long.”
“It’s fine,” I murmured. “Take as long as you want. I- I understand.” I looked over to my mom. “Do you have-”
“Yes,” Mom nodded. “I have snacks in my bag in case she gets really hungry.”
I smiled even though my chest hurt. It was such a mom thing to always have snacks. I had forgotten to pack a little snack in my shoulder bag this morning. I was a bad mom, but my mom was the best. Fuck. Fuck. I was a bad mom. The spiteful, reptilian part of my brain reminded me that at least I hadn’t caused the death of one of my children.
“Ok.” I snatched up my stuff and forced a smile on my face. Walking over to them, I leaned across and gave Megan a quick peck on the cheek. “See you soon, sweetie.” When I pulled back, I caught Connor’s gaze. It was one filled with longing and sadness. “Uh, I’ll see you later. Bye.”
“Bye, Jen.” he murmured.
My mom sent me a supportive smile before I walked away from them. It was hard walking away from Cory’s grave, but I did it. Each step reminded me that I had gotten so far, gotten through so much already. I just needed to keep moving, one foot in front the other, one day at a time. Eventually the pain would dullen, it would become a familiar part of my psyche, something I would learn to live with. Right now it was a raw festering wound.
“Jen,”
I stopped, automatically turning around at the sound of him calling my name. I watched him stride towards me. He had put Megan down and she was holding my mom’s hand and smiling up at her. The tears of moments ago now consigned to the past. I was frozen as he came to a halt in front of me and wrapped his arms around my stiff body. The fingers of his left hand dug into my lower back while his right hand found its old position of comfort on the back of my neck. I held out for five seconds, five long seconds before my body broke down. My fingers clutched his cotton t-shirt and I let him guide my head to the centre of his chest. The swell of emotion I had been holding back crashed over me as his scent assailed my senses. Against my will, the moisture slipped past my closed eyelids. Connor held me tighter and I clung to him. The air left my lips in a ragged breath as I choked back a tortured sob. And he held me even tighter.
“I-I can’t-” It was too much. I started pulling away. “Connor,”
He let me pull away. He let me put the distance between us without a sound of complaint, but his expression, it made the tears flow faster down my face.
“I’m sorry.” he whispered. “Oh god, baby, I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t.” I forced past the scream building in my throat. I needed to get away from him.
Connor nodded quickly, his face was tight with bottled emotions, but I could see the pain shining from his eyes. I wondered if he needed me as much as I needed him in that moment.
But the rage, the helplessness, the bitterness, the desolation, the blame; no, using ‘the’ was wrong. The made it sound abstract, as if it had happened to someone else. This was our lives, my life. It was my rage, my helplessness, my bitterness, my desolation…my blame. I couldn’t stop blaming him.
“I can’t.” I wiped the tears falling from my eyes and turned away from him.
“Ok,” he said behind me. “We’ll see you in a bit.”
Unable to turn around and face him again, I simply nodded before striding off. The walk to my parked SUV was a quick one, one which I continued to cry throughout. A whole year. How had a year passed already? How had I survived a whole year? I jumped into my vehicle and peeled out of the cemetery, quietly sobbing all the way to the café. When I pulled into the small parking lot, I wiped my eyes and tried to appear like a normal, functioning member of society. It felt cold as I got out the SUV and made my way to the café. A fine tremor ran through my limbs and I amended my thoughts, it wasn’t cold, I was cold. My body reflected the numbness currently fighting to gain control inside me once again. There was a bell above the door, tinkling nicely in the air when I pushed it open. A small smile of greeting was sent my way by the woman behind the counter. I managed to return it and headed for the nearest empty table with enough seats for my family’s arrival. Was Connor still my family? I shouldn’t class him as family…we were getting a divorce.
“Hello,” the voice came from behind, startling a tiny sound of surprise from me. I turned around to see a young man, maybe late teens – early twenties, with a little notepad in his hand. He realized his sudden appearance might not have gone over the way he expected, and took a step back to return a bit more of my personal space. “Welcome to Dove’s Café. Are you eating in or ordering to go?”
“In,” I murmured, eyeing one of the table across the room now. It seemed to be right in the path of patrons and employees, not the best choice.
“Would you like me to bring you a beverage to start with?” he asked
. “We have a nice selection of hot and cold drinks.”
“Just a coffee for now, please.” I advised the waiter as I took a seat at the table by the window. This was a better choice than the other table. I could see them arriving from here. How long would they be?
“Ok.” he said with what I was certain was the company sanctioned level of over cheeriness. “Be right back with that coffee.”
My eyes swept the space, assessing the few patrons in the café and wondering what they were doing here in the middle of a work day. Were they unemployed? Perhaps it was their lunch break? Maybe they were like me. Visiting a loved one at the nearby cemetery and stopping in here for a much needed beverage.
“Here you go.” The waiter was quick. He put my drink down on the table, placed the milk and sugar next to it then smiled as he reminded me he was right by the counter if I needed anything else.
“Thank you.” I called to his retreating form.
Once I had added enough milk and sugar, I took a tiny sip of the heated brew. I needed the hit of caffeine. It would be better with some sort of alcohol in it, but I wouldn’t risk a drink today. Not today. That black hole of despair was just waiting to drag me down, eager to blot out any feigned strength I projected, just waiting to drown me. An alcoholic drink would propel me into that black hole faster than time itself. Not today.
There was a couple sitting on the opposite side of the café. An elderly couple happily sharing a thick slice of cake. I wondered about their lives. From the distance, I couldn’t tell if they wore wedding bands. Maybe they were on a first date. I smiled into my cup of coffee, tickled over the thought of them being on a first date. Of course, my traitorous mind began throwing up memories of my first date with Connor.
“You’d better ask him.” Lala, my best friend advised. “You’re crushing on him and he’s your only option anyway. I won’t let you in the party if you come without a date.”
“Really?” I grumbled in disbelief. “Really, Lala?”
“Can I get some more slack on the rope?” she asked as she adjusted her position on the climbing wall. “And yes, really. It’s been what? Six months-”
“Eight,” I reminded her before feeding her some more rope. She was leading. “And please don’t start with-”
“It’s gonna dry up.” she chirped down at me.
“You just can’t stop yourself, can you?” I sat back in my harness and glared up at her butt.
Lala leaned away from the wall and grinned down at me. “Look, you’re my best friend and I don’t want you suffering from dry pussy-itis.”
“Shut up.” I hissed while glancing around. We were on one of the far walls inside the climbing centre, but one could never be too sure. “And that’s not a thing.”
“Mhmm.” she teased. “It is.”
I exhaled loudly, hoping she realized I was over the subject. It had been eight months since I had broken up with my ex. It was for the best. My grades had been slipping and I needed to pass my bachelors with honours if I wanted to get into my competitive graduate program. Mom would kill me if I didn’t attain my degree.
“Your hair will fall out,” Lala started listing the symptoms of her made up disease. “Your skin will break out. Your ass is already looking flabby-”
“It is not.” I grumbled. “Shut up. Just shut up.”
“Your lips get cracked,” she continued. “Your thighs weaken. Your toenails grow extra fast-”
“What the fuck, Lala?” I began to laugh. “Just shut up.”
“Ask him.” she needled. “He’s hot.”
I bit my lower lip. Connor was hot. The typical all-American white guy. Blonde, blue-eyed, sporty, prime physical health. He was yummy.
“You’ve been crushing on him for what now?” Lala persisted in her attempts to get me a date for her Valentine’s bash tomorrow night. “How long have we been coming here?”
“A year.” I said.
“Well there you go,” she pronounced. “You’ve been crushing on him for a whole damn year, Jenny.”
It was true. A year ago, Lala and I had become members at the climbing centre. I needed to do something to keep me from losing my mind during mid-terms and she was supportive enough to join with me even though she was swamped with her own workload.
“And I heard he’s supposed to be good.” She started making suggestive movements in her harness.
“Hey,” I called sharply as I tightened my grip on the rope. “Don’t fuck around on the wall.” Then I rolled my eyes. “And ew, I don’t want community dick.”
“It’s not community dick,” she said. “Just a rumour. You know Selene has been trying to be his girl for like forever.”
I did not know that. Selene was another tanned blonde babe. Hmm, she and Connor would actually make a really cute couple, in a photogenic sense.
“Come on, stop being a pussy and get some of that 6ft plus sugar.” Lala ordered.
“I’ll think about,” I said. Connor was really good-looking, and I had been crushing on him hard just as Lala had teased. Fuck it. I would ask. Half an hour later the chance arose and my best friend was determined I should seize the opportunity. Was it fate we just happened to be by the common area at the same time? Shit. I would just ask and take it from there. What was the worst that could happen?
“Hi, Connor,”
“Hey, Jen,” He straightened up and dusted the chalk from his hands, politely waiting for me to continue.
“Um,” I tried to keep the wavering smile on my face while Lala tried to appear occupied with the notices pinned to the bulletin board on the wall nearest to us. “So, how have you been?”
“Good,” Connor said with an uncertain look. He would be confused. We didn’t really speak outside the necessary hellos and goodbyes if we saw each other around the centre. He now wiped his hands over the side of his pants. “How are you?”
“Connor,” one of the instructors yelled over before I could reply. “Dude, your group of friends are horsing around on the back wall. Sort that shit out or I’ll ban them. They aren’t members so I don’t give a shit.”
“Shit.” Connor muttered under his breath. He flashed me a quick smile. “Be right back.” Then spun on his heel and dashed off.
Lala gave me a look and mouthed something insulting I was sure. I held my hands up in defeat. What? Did she want me to chase him? I was a bit nervous, okay, I was a lot nervous. Especially since he was bare-chested and in knee length shorts today. Anyone could tell he worked out. As Lala had said: he was hot.
What felt like an hour but could’ve only been five minutes passed and he was coming back. Damn. His group of friends were in tow. I started to edge away from where I was, my new plan was to disappear before he spotted me.
“Jen,” Lala hissed like a viper. “Ask him.”
“No.” I hissed back and skipped-walked to her side. “It’s weird. His friends are with him now. He’ll think-”
“Since when do you care what people think?” she challenged. “Just ask him.”
I glared at her and she glared right back. I knew she was only trying to be a good friend. She was worried about the funk I had found myself in. She thought I was still mooning over my ex. I wasn’t, not in the slightest, he was a dick to the tenth degree, but I digress.
“If he says no,” I warned under my breath. “We can never come back here.”
Lala let out a shriek of laughter, loud enough to draw the attention of not only Connor and his approaching friends, but also a couple of the climbing instructors who were heading over to the bulletin board. Shit. There were too many people congregating where we were.
I swallowed my nervousness as he said something to his friends before walking over to where Lala and I were.
“Hey, Laura,” he said.
“Hi,” she replied and left it right there while sending me an expectant stare. Trust her to make this even more awkward.
“Um,” I folded my arms and prepped myself for the embarrassment. I was going to miss comin
g to this climbing centre. “So there’s this party tomorrow,”
Connor gave me a blank stare and I felt terrible. Lala took a few steps back, trying to give us the illusion of privacy.
“It’s no big deal,” I shuffled on my feet. “Just a group of us from college, Lala’s hosting it, so it should be loads of fun.”
“Ok?” Connor said. One of his eyebrows was quirked upwards, clearly indicating what I thought was his confusion. How humiliating.
“Well, I just thought you might want to come along,” my voice trailed off feebly. I knew the instructors were listening in. I could see them from the corner of my eyes. Lala was practically holding her breath in anticipation. I soldiered on. “To the party tomorrow night,” I licked my lips. “If you wanted. You don’t have to come-”
“Isn’t it Valentine’s Day tomorrow?” he queried and scratched his temple.
“Uh,” I unfolded my arms and clasped them in front of me. “Yeah. It’s just a party though.”
“A Valentine’s party?” Connor asked slowly.
Why was he stressing the Valentine’s so damned much? “Uh, I guess you could call it that.” I mumbled. “But it’s just a party. There’s free booze and we have this dj friend from campus who will be coming and he’s really good.”
Connor jerked back and peered at me. “Wait? Are you asking me out on a date?”
The word date had been slightly louder than his other words, a touch incredulous, maybe sceptical. It was loud enough that one of his friends heard. He then nudged the other two guys. I could see them looking over at us. Shit.
I squinted my eyes. “Yes?”
Connor didn’t say anything.
“But like I said before,” I tried to save face. “You don’t have to come, if you don’t want to. I mean, I doubt I’m your type anyway.” I shrugged. “I just thought I would ask-”
“Like a date date?” Connor asked again.
I cringed on the inside. Hell, I was certain my face reflected my embarrassment. “You know what? It’s fine. It was silly of me to ask-”
“Yes.” Connor said.
“Yes it was silly of me to ask, or yes you’ll come to the party?” I asked, needing clarification. If it was the former my humiliation would be etched into the very fabric of this building.