Through the Wooden Door

by K Carr

  Five minutes, he would give her five minutes then he would march up to the front door and press the bell until someone opened up. Connor checked the time on the dashboard. 8:03pm. Megan should be in bed pretending to sleep. 8pm was her ‘lights out, eyes closed’ bedtime marker. It was the only reason he hadn’t yet stormed up to his mother-in-law’s front door. He didn’t want to mess up the bedtime routine. If Megan only suspected he was here she would use it as an excuse to stay up later. Anything to avoid bedtime. Kids were all the same with this aversion to sleep.

  8:06pm. Connor drummed his fingers over the steering wheel, glaring across the road at Rose’s front door.

  8:08pm. Right. Five minutes had passed. That door better open.

  8:09pm. He exhaled, long and hard.

  8:10pm. Did she think he was joking? He wasn’t.

  8:12pm. Damn it. Why did she have to be this stubborn?

  8:15pm. Connor took a deep breath before exiting the car. Jen probably thought he would retreat with his tail tucked between his legs. Not this time. He had done it too many times in the past to the detriment of their marriage; swallowed his words, tiptoed around her, basically giving her immunity to be as difficult as she damned well pleased without any consequences.

  He half-jogged across the street, absent-mindedly pressing the key fob to lock the car on his approach to the house. Connor did have a moment of doubt as he wondered if in fact she was here. Perhaps she had gone somewhere and left her car behind. Maybe she had gone to visit Lala and Derek, she had said earlier their baby was a few weeks old now – no, she would’ve gone in her car. Determination made his steps quicker. He bound up the three steps which placed him in front the door. Before he could press the doorbell, his finger was just centimetres away, the door cracked open.

  “Don’t you dare press that doorbell,” Jen hissed, glancing over her shoulder. “Go away, Connor. I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “Tough shit,” he shot back. “Because we’re going to talk.” He narrowed his eyes as he scrutinized her face and noticed the stance she was taking. It was obvious what she intended to do. “If you shut this door in my face, I’m calling your mom right now and telling her.”

  Jen scowled at him.

  He arched an eyebrow and folded his arms. “Are we doing this right here? Or in the car? I’d prefer the car, more private.”

  Still glaring, Jen gave him a curt nod. “Fine.”

  “Good.” he replied.

  “Let me put a coat on,” she grumbled.

  Connor stuck his foot in the doorway as she started to close the door. Rolling his eyes in wry disbelief, he pointed out, “Your coat’s right there. I can see it. You don’t need to close the door to get it.”

  She muttered something under her breath as she stepped back from the door. it sounded like an expletive. Connor hid his smugness as she angrily yanked on her coat and snatched up some keys from the bowl on the lovely wooden table in the foyer.

  “Five minutes,” she growled, gesturing with her hand for him to step back from the door. Once he’d moved away sufficiently, she slipped out the door and pulled it closed behind her. “And counting.”

  Connor sighed, long and hard, before pressing the key fob to unlock his car. “Come on then.”

  She mumbled to herself all the way across the street then fell silent when he opened the passenger side door for her to get in. The words ‘fucking idiot’ had caught his attention a couple of times. He slammed the door shut, a touch harder than intended, and hurried over to the driver’s side. When he got in the car and closed his door, effectively sealing them in, an uncomfortable silence sprung up between them. He twisted sideways in his seat to look at her. Jen was staring out the windscreen, arms folded and giving off a combative air.

  Connor observed her for about a minute before he spoke. “Love isn’t enough,”

  That was all he would say; until she showed some form of response, some sort of acknowledgment that she was willing to talk to him, he wouldn’t say another word.

  Her countenance continued to be one of displeasure, it was very noticeable even from her side profile. Connor waited. She twisted around to face him after a minute.

  “What?” she asked bad-temperedly. “What are you talking about?”

  “Love isn’t enough,” he repeated. “For a marriage to work, love isn’t enough. You need patience, understanding,” He was counting it off on his fingers. “Compassion, the ability to compromise,” He raised his eyebrows at her in a pointed manner. “Stubbornness,” The way she narrowed her gaze at him caused a tiny smile to roll over his lips. “Ok, persistence, instead of stubbornness let’s use persistence,” He spotted movement from the corner of his eye outside the car and automatically pressed the button to lock the doors. “Courage,” Connor’s expression softened. “Forgiveness.” She looked away from him and he reached over to cover her hand with his. Jen stared at his hand resting on hers as he continued. “Lust, let’s not forget about that one,”

  “Asshole,” She tried to pull her hand out from under his but he was too quick and closed his fingers over hers. Jen raised her gaze to his. The scowl was back on her face.

  “Did I say understanding?” he asked. He already knew he had, he just wanted her to focus on the word.

  “Yes,” she confirmed. It was as belligerent as her previous response.

  “Ok, understanding has been mentioned,” Connor rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. “Laughter, you need laughter-”

  “Look, I don’t have time for this,” she interrupted him and fidgeted in the seat.

  “You need all those things plus love,” he said firmly. “I used to think love was enough, Jen. When we first got married, I thought as long as we loved each other, then nothing else mattered.” He grimaced slightly. “And I know I’ve said those exact words to you in the past, that if we love each other then we can fix everything else. But I know love isn’t enough. I’ve learnt that over the years, you taught me that.” He gently stroked the back of her hand before pulling his fingers away. “So you only have yourself to blame.”

  “Excuse me?”

  Connor nodded slowly. It had been said in jest, but in all actuality it was the truth. “Yes. It’s your fault I expect patience, compassion…understanding. You’ve shown me what real love entails and I can’t just forget knowing it. That’s how we’ve loved each other from the start. It’s how we are, or used to be as a couple and I know the past year and a half has been-” He shook his head, knowing he didn’t need to say anymore on that. She had lived through it with him. “Look, I’ve learnt from being with you the right way – the only way – to love completely; and I’m not going to accept anything less than that.”

  “What on earth are you-” Jen inhaled loudly. “I don’t have time for this shit.”

  “I expect your understanding, Jen,” he explained quietly. “I expect you to listen to me when I explain who Riley is and what she means to me,”

  The silence after he spoke was deafening and for a moment he thought Jen would jump out the car and head back inside her mom’s house. Then she unclenched her jaw and said, “Fine. Who is she?”

  The tension he hadn’t realized he was holding in his shoulders lessened as he flashed her a small smile and reached for her hand again. Her fingers were curled in a fist so he lightly encircled her wrist instead. “I know Riley from group.” Connor held her gaze. “It’s a group for parents who’ve caused the death of their children,” He swallowed hard. “I don’t know why I never told you about it. I was ashamed, I don’t know, I just needed to,” His gaze dropped to where his fingers encircled her wrist. “We met at this group and became friends-”

  “You confide in her,” Jen said bluntly. The tone of her voice made him look at her. She bit her lip for a second. “That’s what she said earlier today, this friend of yours, that you confide in her.”

  He nodded once. “I do.”

  Jen twisted her wrist free from his loose hold. “What do you tell her? Do you ta
lk about me?” She huffed angrily. “I mean, of course you do. It’s obvious you do! How could you let her speak to me like – what do you say to her? Did you even hear her today? How dare she speak to me like she did. What do you talk about?”

  “Everything, nothing,” He gave her a half-hearted shrug. “We talk about guilt, we talk about that a lot.”

  Jen looked away for a second. Then she turned her head in order to scrutinize his face as she asked, “Did you sleep with her?”

  Connor let his expression answer the question. Apparently his wife wasn’t satisfied with that look because she raised an eyebrow and stared him down. “No, Jennifer Oakes. I did not sleep with Riley.”

  She kept staring at him, as if searching every crevice of his face for the lie.

  “Jen, I did not sleep with her.” he reiterated. “Ok?”

  Whatever she was looking for she must have found because she acquiesced with a terse nod and a mumbled, “Ok.”

  “Are you cold?” Connor suddenly realized inside the car wasn’t as warm as before. He started reaching over to start the engine. “I’ll put the heating on.”

  “No, I’m fine for now.” Jen squirmed in her seat. “So she thinks I’m some sort of monster, does she? She thinks I’m a cruel person-”

  “No,” Connor was quick to stop her. “Not at all,”

  Jen recoiled and slowly shook her head. “You were right there, Connor. You heard the things she said to me, the way she acted,” She shot him a look of pure betrayal. “You talk to her about Megan? About,” her voice dropped to a whisper. “Cory? Why would you – about me? What did you say about me? About us? Why would you confide in her…a…a fucking stranger?”

  Unsure of how much it would hurt her, Connor told her the truth. “Because I couldn’t confide in you. I couldn’t talk to you-”

  “What? Is this about our marriage counselling? Is this because I didn’t want to do the fucking counselling anymore?”

  “No,” he exhaled gruffly. “No, it’s not – Riley could relate to me. We could relate to each other,”

  Jen jerked back as far as she could and ended up pressed against the door. “And you can’t relate to me? He’s our son! Not yours and hers. Yours and mine. What the hell do you mean you could relate to her?”

  “Because,” Connor forced the painful words out. “Because she was the one at fault, just like I was in Cory’s death.” He shifted in his seat. “You see, Riley understood what it’s like being that person. It’s not something I can explain, at least not clearly, but everyone in the group knows how that feels. She understood, they understood.” Taking a big gulp, he blurted out. “Look, it’s my fault our son is dead. I have to live with that. Not you, Jen. Me. You can’t possibly begin to understand what living with that sort of guilt is like. You can’t-”

  “Well why don’t you tell me?” she yelled angrily. “Talk to me! Instead of strangers who judge us, judge me.”

  Connor gave her the look her comment deserved. In a very neutral tone, he asked, “And when could I have done this, Jen? Before or after you stopped going to grief counselling with me? Before or after you moved out of our home? Before or after you started divorce proceedings? Before or after you started hating me?” A sliver of emotion crept into his voice. “Before or after you started blaming me for Cory’s death?”

  She turned away. They both fell silent. Connor glanced around and realized the windows were starting to fog up.

  “I get it,” she whispered hoarsely. “I’m the bitch who blamed you for the accident-”

  “This isn’t about you,” Connor cut her off. “Or your insulted ego,” Her head swivelled around sharply. “I’m not,” he sighed, long and hard. “I’m not saying you’re in the wrong. You’re right to hate me,” Her face fell and she opened her mouth to say something but Connor reached for her hand. This time she let him entwine their fingers. He continued, “Riley understands what it’s like, and that’s something you can’t – I’d never want you to know what this feels like.”

  “I don’t hate you,” she murmured. “I didn’t hate you,”

  Connor managed a gruff chuckle. They both knew that was a lie. She had said it many a time since their son’s death. He raised his other hand to palm the side of her face. “You kind of did.” He stroked the softness of her cheek with his thumb. “It’s ok.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jen placed her free hand on his chest. “I don’t know how to do this anymore, Connor. I don’t know how to not start fighting with you. It’s – I’m mad sad all the time.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I get it. I’m mad sad too.”

  “Mad sad is really bad,” she joked. She was beginning to tear up.

  “Hey,” Connor leaned over to lightly kiss her lips. He didn’t want to push it. They hadn’t yet fully resolved the situation from earlier. Pulling back, he said, “You’re allowed to feel however the fuck you want to feel, babe.”

  “You’ve started swearing a lot,” she said. “These past months. You used to stop yourself right before saying it and now,”

  “I fucking let it out,” he agreed. “I think I missed hearing you cuss.”

  “Yeah. I was the swearer and now you’re one too,” Jen dropped her hand from his chest and tilted her face away from his touch, she kept holding his hand though. “Ok. So you and Riley are friends from this group.”

  “Yes,” he stressed. “Just friends.”

  “Friends who talk about things you can’t discuss with anyone else,”

  “Right,” he hesitated a little. “Something like that.”

  Jen let her gaze wander around the space in the car for a moment. “Do you share with other people in the group?” Her dark brown eyes latched onto him. “Besides Riley,”

  Connor scratched the back of his neck. “Honestly?”

  “Please,” she said dryly. “Honesty is always best.”

  “Neither one of us has been to the group sessions recently,”

  Jen’s eyebrows shot up but she didn’t say anything.

  “She’s been having a rough time of it lately,” Connor started to explain. Jen’s eyebrows were still higher than their usual position and there was a tightness around the corners of her mouth. But she didn’t say anything so he carried on. “She told me to tell you she was sorry for how she behaved earlier,”

  “She was quite drunk,” Jen surmised.

  “Yes,” Connor squinted at her from one eye. He knew the dim view his wife had on the topic of inebriation. “She was, but you have to understand, babe. Riley is in a worse situation than we are,” He saw the disbelief building on her face and nodded vigorously. “Jen, believe me. Riley and her husband are, well, I never thought I’d ever say this but I’m really fucking grateful we’re not in their position.” Her confusion was plain to see. Connor lowered his voice, he didn’t know why he did, it was just the two of them in the car; but some things were best not said too loud. Some things were too painful to be spoken above a low murmur. “They had two kids, like we do-” He caught himself. “Did, as we did. One evening Riley was doing the mom thing, you know, rushed home from work to start cooking, tidying, giving the kids a bath. Basically stretched too thin and trying to handle everything at once. Her husband, Vincent, he was on his way home. She had put the roast, I think she said it was a roast, in the oven before she started tidying.” Connor squeezed Jen’s hand and she squeezed back. “She forgot about the roast, completely slipped her mind and it must’ve started burning when she was giving the kids a bath because the fire alarm went off.” Connor felt secondary pain for his friend. “Of course she rushes downstairs to sort it.” He started shaking his head. “I know, I know what everyone would say, hell, I thought it too when she told me. Why not take the kids out the bath? Instinctively you’re going to want to make sure there’s not a fire, but get the kids out first.” He looked at Jen. “Right? That’s what you would’ve done.”

  Jen nodded slowly, then admitted, “I would like to believe that’s what I would’ve done in a sit
uation like that…but,” She shrugged and squeezed his hand again in a show of support which he deeply appreciated. “I might’ve done the same as her. I don’t know, Connor. You know what I was like when the children were small, completely anal about everything.”

  Connor evaded her eyes for a moment before continuing. “The eldest was around two and a half, and the baby was only fifteen months.” He spotted her wince and nodded. “I know, she had them pretty close together, some people don’t mind. The baby was in one of those bathtub seats. Remember we had those for the kids when they were little? I think there’s one still tucked away somewhere in the garage.” He cleared his throat. “She said the bath wasn’t filled completely but it was filled enough,” he stopped there.

  Jen squeezed his hand again and asked in a whisper, “Did they drown?”

  “Yes,” Connor rubbed a hand over his face. “Both of them. She said she was sure she was only gone a few minutes, said it didn’t feel as if she was gone that long at all, but it was long enough I guess. The investigation stated her two and a half year old must’ve taken the baby out the bath seat to play, perhaps the water made it too slippery to keep the baby up. They said there was a bruise on the eldest girl’s head, maybe she had slipped in the water and banged her head while trying to hold the little one…and then, and then they,” he sighed.

  “Fuck.” Jen muttered. She inhaled sharply before exhaling in a long, shaky breath. She curved her other hand alongside his jaw and said, “I’m sorry for your friend. That’s a terrible thing – I’m sorry.”

  He cleared his throat again. “It gets worse. She was arrested and charged with negligence. That’s shitty, right? That’s fucked up. Her kids died and they charged her within 48 hours of their deaths. It was an accident. Obviously the charges were eventually dropped but they shouldn’t have been brought in the first place!”