Like clockwork, my mother walked out of the house, phone in hand and smile on her face. That smile faded when she looked up and saw me staring. Her eyes rolled in irritation as she walked toward me.
“What is it you want, Daysie?” She asked, annoyed.
“You really don’t care, do you?” I asked in disbelief. “I have a bruised face and abdomen. My wrist is broken, and you still don’t care. You’re supposed to be my mother. How could you have carried me for nine months and raise me and then one day decide to hate me? I’ve never understood it.”
“Daysie, I don’t—” She started, but I cut her off.
“Oh, I know, you don’t have time for this but I need you to make time,” I said, my voice cracking from the tears I still held at bay. “Your husband is a drug addict and an abuser, and from what I’ve witnessed you two haven’t acted married in a very long time. Sure, for appearances and in public, but when you’re home together, nothing. I can only deduct that you care about him about as much as you care about me and that isn’t saying very much. I’ll take blame for my part in his actions, but you’re just as fault. You let him do this to me. Had you forced him to get help sooner or told someone about what was going on, maybe all of this could have been avoided, but it’s too late now.”
Her eyes grew watery, and I was taken aback by the show of emotion in them. Not once, in my eighteen years of life, had I ever seen my mother come even close to shedding a tear.
“I fell in love with a troubled man Daysie, but that love doesn’t just fade,” she said, shaking her said. “I’m not cut out to be anyone’s mother. I’ve known that since the second I laid eyes on you. I’m sorry for that, I am. You don’t deserve what you’ve been through and I wish I would have given you a better life, but pride kept me from giving you to a more deserving family. Had I given you up for adoption, what would people have thought?”
Her question was rhetorical, but I took her pause as an opportunity to answer it.
“They would have thought you were selfless and brave, but now? I can’t imagine what anyone thinks, if you’ve even told them the truth.”
At the guilt in her eyes, I knew she hadn’t.
“I have a meeting to get to Daysie,” she said, clearing her throat and returning to her usual careless self. “Is there something you needed?”
“Yes, actually. Money.”
“Money?” She asked curiously. “What on earth do you need money for?”
“That’s really none of your business. But if you must know, I’d like to start fresh and I need money for that, to get me back on my feet. And that’s where you come in.”
“Fine,” she said without much hesitation.
Her response surprised me, but I wasn’t about to question her.
“Okay.”
“Will a check work?” She asked, already reaching into her purse for her check book and writing it out.
She folded it, held it out to me, and sighed.
“I was never meant to be a mother, and I am sorry for what happened to you. I hope this helps you find whatever it is you need to be happy.”
I held the check in my good hand and watched as she got into her car and drove away, not once looking back.
Even with that farewell, my heart sped up. She had never apologized before or acknowledged her mistakes, but she had then. I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but if it were the last encounter I ever had with her, I didn’t mind.
I looked down at the check and gasped at the amount she had written out to me. I would be able to stretch it to last for a year at least.
I blinked back tears of relief. Of course, I planned on getting a job, but that sometimes took time. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to live my life up north, just that I was going to do it. That was my main focus. Getting there would be the hard part, but once I was there, I knew it would be a matter of time before I felt at peace. I hoped, anyway.
“We’re going out, did you want to come? There’s a midnight barbeque going on to celebrate the final days of summer,” Maci said excitedly with Sarah by her side.
“No, I’m going to stay in.”
“Are you sure? We won’t be out too late,” Sarah promised. “I want to call Corey before it gets too late over there.”
Corey had chosen to go to school on the East Coast, and even though it had only been a couple of weeks, their communication level was at a healthy high.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I actually think I might give Bren a call,” I said with a shrug.
“It’s about time,” Maci said bluntly. “You’ve been giving him the cold shoulder for months. I mean, I understood it in the beginning, but he tried to be there for you and you wouldn’t let him. How is that fair?”
“It’s not, but that’s part of the reason why I want to talk to him.”
“Mace, let her live,” Sarah said. “Daysie has been through a lot and if she needed some time, I don’t see a problem with it.”
I mouthed my gratefulness and watched as they left.
Tonight was the night, and if I wanted everything to go as planned, I needed to meet with Bren soon.
I shot him a quick text and within fifteen minutes he was standing on the porch, a hopeful, confused look on his face.
“Hey,” I said with a gentle wave. “Long time no see.”
“Yeah,” he said, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed back some unnamed emotion. “It has. You look good. All healed up?”
“Yeah,” I said, twisting my once-broken wrist to show him. “It’s almost like it never happened.”
“I’m going to get to the point, Daysie.” He pulled his bottom lip into his mouth and sucked on it for a second before releasing it slowly. “You ghosted me.”
“I know, and I don’t have much of an excuse for it, but I needed some time to figure out my future, my life.”
“Without me?”
“I grew to love you, Bren,” I told him softly. “You came into my life like a hailstorm in the middle of a Los Angeles summer. It was completely unexpected, and I was unprepared for what you’d bring with you. I needed time.”
“I won’t pretend to not be upset, but I get it.” He ran his hands down his face. “You went through something unimaginable. Hell, I’d need space too. I get it, Daysie. I do.”
“You’re a good guy, you know that? Probably one of the best,” I said, brushing a tear from the corner of my eye before it could create a mascara trail down my cheek. “Any girl is going to be lucky to have you.”
“What do you mean?” He asked, confused. Panic laced his voice. “Why not this girl?”
“Because this girl is broken inside and out. Because this girl needs to discover her own strength instead of depending on the strength of others to save her all the time. This girl needs to find herself, and the only way I can do that is if I do it on my own.”
“Daysie.”
“Please Bren. It isn’t forever.”
“Promise you’ll come back? To me? I’m not done getting to know you, but I promise you that I will love the girl you find within yourself as much as I adore the girl you are now.”
“I promise, one hundred thousand percent, I will come back.”
As his lips touched mine, sealing the promises we had both made, I knew mine wasn’t as solid as I made it out to be.
The truth was I wasn’t sure if I ever would return to this town. There were too many bad memories and though there were of course good ones, the bad ones were more powerful.
Still, I would hold onto his promise, his promise of love, and I would hold it tightly to my heart until I got my life figured out. I only prayed to the powers that be that it wouldn’t destroy me in the process. I had been through enough, I deserved some light, I just needed to create my own. This was the first step.
That same night Bren and I shared our promises, I left. I grabbed my packed duffle bag and backpack and left without saying a word to anyone else.
I couldn’t.
I knew if I faced Maci an
d Sarah and explained what I was doing and why, that they wouldn’t have been as understanding as Bren.
I needed time. I needed to find myself, and I couldn’t do that around the people who knew me inside and out because then I’d mirror who they thought I was, and I needed to figure that out on my own.
It might have seemed silly to anyone on the outside looking in, but I truly believed the only way to discover my strength was to start over where no one knew me, even if that meant leaving the people closest to me.
I had turned off my phone and shoved it in the bottom of my backpack as soon as I took my seat on the train and stared at my one-way to my fresh start.
Was it going to be easy? No.
Did I have a solid, reliable plan? Not really.
But that was sort of the point. I would survive because it’s what I needed to do, and it was one of the only things I was good at, but I needed to live. Living was my goal. On top of finding myself, to genuinely live without a care in the world was my goal. I no longer had reason to live in fear, but still I knew it wasn’t going to be simple.
I released a breath I had been holding and mentally gave myself a pat of encouragement on the back.
Live. Truly, unapologetically. Just Live.
I leaned back in my seat, impatiently waiting to finally arrive at my destination, a place I hoped would fulfill its purpose.
I itched to check my phone as soon as I stepped off the train, but I didn’t. There was no reason to, not if I wanted to stay true to the plan I had set for myself. I knew Bren would relay the information to my best friends, and I trusted him to be honest, so my only focus now was to find a job somewhere. Anywhere.
I looked around and noticed that the train station was in downtown, so walking around seemed like a solid plan. I mean, that happened in movies all the time when people were trying to start over. They walk around, see a hiring sign on a door or window, walk in, share their sob story, and then get hired almost on the spot.
I sighed. Life wasn’t like the movies, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be optimistic about a positive outcome.
My shoulders were growing numb from the weight of my bags when I spotted it. My lips spread into a smile for the first time in what felt like days and I rushed across the street for a closer look to see if I was reading it clearly.
My body sagged in relief.
It was an independent bookstore slash cafe that was looking for someone to organize the shelves. I could do that.
I looked at the other papers pasted to the window and my smile grew. This place was exactly what I needed. I walked inside, determined to make a good impression when I ran into a girl with thick-framed glasses and wild curly hair.
“I’m so sorry,” I said immediately, silently hoping she wasn’t the person I needed to talk to about getting a job.
“It’s fine, really,” she said kindly with a small smile. “What can I do for you?”
“I saw the sign on the front window and was wondering who I could talk to about working here?” I adjusted the straps of my bags, and the girl’s eyes followed my movements.
“Do you have any experience working in a bookstore?” She asked curiously.
“No,” I said honestly. “But, at the risk of sounding super cliché, I’m a quick learner, and I really think organizing would be my sort of thing.”
“Hm, what do you mean by that?”
“Just that it could be calming, and that’s something I really need right now,” I said quietly. “Maybe when the calm settles, I’ll finally be able to figure out who I am and discover my own form of strength.”
“Then I’m happy to say that you’ve come to the right place,” she said, her smile widening. “I’m Mel, and I own this place.”
“Really?” I asked, excited.
“Really. And judging by your bags I’d venture that you’re new here, right?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“Well, I hope you find what you’re looking for. The job is yours.”
I fought back tears. The happy kind, of course. This was my chance to start over, and when I was ready, I would return to my old life, to my friends. But for now, I was going to enjoy this opportunity and live my life like I had never lived it before—fearlessly.
I had been surviving for eighteen years, but I was determined to finally live.
And the bookstore slash cafe? That seemed like the perfect place to start.
“I don’t know what it is, but I love the smell of fresh and old paper,” I said, inhaling the pages of the book I was holding before placing it in its rightful spot on the shelf.
Mel laughed, shaking her head at me. “You’re an odd one, Daysie, but I love that. You’re so comfortable with who you are. It’s inspiring.”
“I wasn’t always this way, but it’s definitely something I’ve tried to work on, especially recently.”
“Does this have anything to do with why you hopped on a one-way train and walked into the store in search of a job?” She asked curiously.
I had been working at the bookstore for almost two months, which meant it had been that long since I had seen or spoken to my best friends. I felt bad, sure, but I also felt liberated. It was a bittersweet combination. I missed them, but I loved the life I was leading and the person I was becoming; she was who I had been all along, but for the first time she was getting to use her voice. It was incredible.
“In part. I mean, at the end of the day we are who we’ve always been, but I finally feel confident enough to be who I am without fear of the consequences.”
“You were punished before for being yourself?”
“Something like that,” I said with a light shrug. “I don’t come from the best family, but I am fortunate to have friends who are supportive. I just needed time to do this on my own.”
“I get it.” Mel gave me a small, sad smile. “It’s hard to rediscover who you are when the people you lean on try to do that for you. I’ve been there, done that, so I get it.”
“Thank you, by the way, for giving me this chance.”
“To organize the books in this chaotic place I call a bookstore?” She asked with a light laugh. “I should be the one thanking you. You’ve been a huge help. I wish you could stay forever.”
“Who said I couldn’t?”
“You probably could, but the longer you hide from the people who have always been there, the harder it’ll be to win them back,” she said honestly. “As supportive as they are, no person likes being abandoned without explanation.”
“Well, I had my boyfriend, or whatever he is, fill them in.”
“Does he know where you are or did you give him a general, vague explanation of what you were going to be up to?” She raised a brow.
I released a defeated sigh. “No, but to be fair I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was heading, only that I needed to do it. Leave, I mean. I’m glad I left because since being here I know that had I stayed, I would have only grown more dependent on them and flew further apart from the person I was trying to find, the strength I was desperate to harness.”
“Have you found what you were looking for?”
“I think so,” I said softly, nodding. “If not, then I’m definitely on the right track.”
“Well, then it was worth it, right? If they’re half as great as you’ve made them out to be then I have no doubt they’ll welcome you back with open arms.”
“What if I never go back? That place, that town holds too many horrible memories. I might never be ready to face them.”
“Isn’t that where your newfound strength comes into play?” She smiled encouragingly. “The only way that place will have power over you is if you let it, so don’t let it. As cheesy and cliché as this is going to sound, I say you face your fears and go back. A place is a place, but the people there are who make it a home. You mentioned at some point that a home is something you’ve never had, right?”
“Right.”
“Your friends are your home, Daysie. They’r
e your comfort, and that’s more than a lot of people can hope for.”
My eyes grew misty at the truth behind her words, and I swiped at a lone tear.
That place was toxic, but did it always have to be? I couldn’t give it that much power. I was stronger than I had ever been, and my wings were no longer broke. I was free, and I needed to start living like it. There was nothing holding me back, but the longer Mel preached to me, the more I realized that I had shackled myself to the darkness I had lived through. I was living in a whole new type of brightness, and it was time I acted like it.
But, like all things, that was easier said than done.
Thankfully, I had survived the worst that life had to offer, so facing my fears? That would be easy. I hoped.
“Daysie? You lost in your thoughts again?” She asked with a light laugh.
“I’ve been doing that a lot lately, haven’t I? I’m really sorry.”
“No worries, you’re battling with yourself, I get it.” She smiled. “If you weren’t such an awesome employee, I might be harder on you. But you are, so we’re good.”
I laughed, my tears drying. “Thank you for giving me a chance. I really am grateful.”
“I know you are, you tell me that every opportunity you get.”
“Well, I mean it.”
The bell chimed from the front and Mel gave me a smile, rubbing her hands together mischievously. “I wonder who my next victim will be? I don’t think that when customers ask me for recommendations that there’s a never-ending list in my mind just waiting to be sifted through.”
I laughed and watched her jog to the front of the store. Mel had been patient and supportive of me since the day I walked in and I knew I’d miss her when I finally decided to return to the place that should’ve been my home.
For now, though? I was going to keep sniffing books, old and new, and enjoy the little life I had created for myself here. It was effortless and painless and everything I never knew I wanted or thought I’d have.
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