This time, he kneeled, pulling her underwear down until he was face to face with her mons. Leaning in, he pressed his face against her, inhaling her feminine essence, then he rested his cheek on her stomach, turning to kiss her where her skin still bore the slightest markers of having borne his child.
Her hand coming to rest on top of his head caused Jayson’s entire body to heave and release. It was the first time in months that she had touched him that way. With presence, with tenderness and intention. With love.
7
Maybe months. That was what Keisha thought. It had been maybe months since she and Jay had showered together. And now that they were standing in the small space, she wondered why they had ever stopped. The water was hot, so it was difficult to tell whether the beads on her forehead were perspiration or spray from the shower. He ran the soft sea-sponge over her stomach and breasts then over her shoulders and along the length of her arms. As he did, Keisha was unable to keep her eyes off him. The intricate swirls of his tattoos, the ripples and ridges of his abdominals, the dip at the base of this throat were suddenly vivid and more beautiful than ever, as though she had been viewing him in monochrome for ages, and now, suddenly in technicolor.
Each part of her he touched seemed to awaken under his hand and felt cleansed in more ways than one. For the first time in longer than she could remember, she was pulsating with the need for him to not just touch her, but kiss her, fuck her.
But no … that wasn’t right. She wanted something from him, but it wasn’t that. For sure she wanted him against her, on top of and inside her. But not just for pleasure. The fear of losing Lee seemed to have jolted something loose, that had become stuck. A dam inside her had burst and all the feelings that had been muted and far away, were suddenly upon her.
Raising her hands, tentatively at first, Keisha watched as Jay’s nostrils flared. A pulse at the side of his neck jumped, telling her that he wanted more than to touch her, he wanted her to touch him. She leaned in and got on her toes, kissing him on his Adam’s apple. He exhaled, heavily as though he had been holding his breath. When she looked up he kissed her, his tongue pushing impatiently past her lips and finding hers.
Keisha’s arms went up and around his neck and Jay’s hands on her waist pulled her against him. They were slick and slippery from the water and last residue of soap as it washed away, so the contact was not enough. Jay fumbled behind her, and the stream of water slowed. The faucet screeched as he shut it off.
They stood next to the bed, both of them as hesitant and unsure as virgin newlyweds. In his eyes, Keisha saw the effects of months of rejection, and dispassionate lovemaking. She saw now for the first time that her distance had not gone unnoticed, and that he had been hurt by it.
So, she made the first move, running the tips of her fingers down his center, watching as his body responded. She heard his breaths, already shallower and more audible.
“Touch me,” she said.
At that, Jayson moved closer, not lifting a hand, but coming toward her until his chest was against hers. Her nipples hardened, and lower, between them she felt him against her stomach. Hands still at his sides he bent down to kiss her neck and shoulders. Keisha tingled, and her lips parted in a smile.
This, she thought. This, this …
Still not touching her with his hands, he licked the base of her neck, moving up till he was just under her chin. Keisha let her head fall back but was unable to exercise the same control he had. She put her hands atop his head and held him there while he lightly sucked warmth to the surface of her skin, making her toes curl. When he finally found her lips, she couldn’t wait and grabbed one of his hands, forcing it between her legs.
With the lightest of touches, he parted her with a single finger, sliding just the barest tip of it inside her. Keisha arched her pelvis toward it, greedy for more, and deeper penetration. Jay pulled back and lifted the finger to his mouth, which was on her mouth, so they were tasting her together. His tongue snaked around his finger and reached for her tongue. Keisha groaned and let her hands drop.
When she felt him, he was as hard as steel, and as soft as velvet. As she began to stroke him, Jay advanced so that she was forced to retreat until her thighs touched the edge of the bed. With his torso, he moved her back further, so she fell onto her back. Scooting backward on the bed, she spread her legs for him. Jay watched her for a moment, like he was trying to decide what to do to her first.
What he did was fall to his knees, drag her to the edge of the bed and plunge in tongue deep inside her. She made a sound she didn’t recognize as coming from inside her and propped herself onto her elbows to watch. He seemed oblivious to her watching, focused only on her and the slow strokes that left no part of her untouched. Though she tried to fight it off, Keisha felt her stomach tighten and her legs, feet and toes clench.
“Jay,” she said. “Wait … no … wait …”
He lifted his head and looked at her, pulling in his lower lip, his eyes slightly unfocused.
Opening her arms, she reached for him.
“I want you here,” she said. “I want you inside me, looking at me …”
He moved up her body and onto the bed, settling himself between her legs.
“I love you,” she said. She cupped his face. “I love you so … so …”
With one swift motion he was inside her, and Keisha was clutching his ass, holding him still while her body adjusted and accommodated his girth.
“Jayson,” she breathed. She wanted him to hear it. To acknowledge it. To say it back. “I love you.”
But his head was buried in her neck, and Keisha knew then that the hurt she had inflicted over the past several months had gone deeper than she knew. She slid her arms higher, so she was hugging him to her, cradling his body in hers. As he rocked forward and backward, she gave herself over to it, feeling the stuck-thing inside her shake even further loose. Soon she was moaning and crying out, though Jay made scarcely a sound, moving like a man on a mission.
She came hard, and for a long time, her legs clenched around him, digging her nails into his back, but he seemed not to notice. Jayson went for several minutes more, as though in an erotic trance. It was only when Keisha released his back, held his jaw with both hands, and forced him to look at her that he finally and explosively met his climax.
He collapsed onto her, his chest still heaving, his breaths stirring the hair at her temples.
“Jay,” Keisha said.
He raised himself a little, taking most of his weight off her. He still looked a little dazed and in a strange way that gratified her. She liked it—had always liked it—when she felt like she had rocked his world. Just as he had so long ago rocked hers.
“Jay, do you love me?”
The question seemed to wake him up. He pulled back even further, and his eyes narrowed.
“Key …”
“Because it’s been … we’ve been … I’ve been …”
“Of course I love you. That never changes.”
Kat was a little sour about her missed eight-ten train, but when Keisha told her she could sleep at their place and reminded her that that meant sleeping in a real bed, she lost a little of her attitude. And from the way she looked at them both, she might have suspected that their lateness was in service of a good cause.
Jay drove her back to the house, so she could get to bed and take an early train in the morning, then returned to the hospital for their nightly vigil by Lee’s bedside.
“I was jealous,” Jay said out of nowhere.
Keisha, from her place on the bed next to Lee looked at him, curious.
“Of what?”
“You were laughing. When I came in earlier. You and Kat were laughing, and I realized I hadn’t made you laugh in … I don’t even know how long. I hadn’t even made you smile.”
Keisha felt something in her chest tighten.
“It’s not your fault,” she said.
“It felt like it.”
“It’s n
ot.”
“Then …”
“I’m … scared I might be like my mother,” Keisha admitted.
“Like her how?”
“Sometimes, I feel like my life is me watching a movie. I don’t feel the anything but … numb. And I have to fight my way out of it. Fake my way out of it. But it’s not easy. And I remember her … She got like this too, after she had a baby. She was on medication and stopped taking it so she could have me, but afterwards, she never fully recovered.”
“You’re not your mother, Key.”
“But those things … mood disorders, they sometimes run in families.”
“Then we’ll check it out.”
“And what if they put me on medication?”
“Then you’ll take it. And we’ll see.”
Keisha shook her head. “I wouldn’t want to take it. They turned my mother into a zombie. And later on, she couldn’t take care of me, she could hardly take care of herself. I don’t want that for him. I don’t want that for you.”
“We don’t know that you’d have to take anything. We don’t know that you’ve got anything like your mother had.”
“And what if I do? Have to be on medication, I mean.”
“We could go ‘round and ‘round in circles about this, Key. But the best thing would be for us to just go see someone and find out.”
“I’ve been trying to wait it out. Hoping that it’ll go away on its own.”
“And maybe it would. But it might not be worth the wait. Not if you’re suffering in the meantime.”
Suffering. For him to have used that word meant he had to have heard and understood her. Tonight, being with him in the way she had, that had helped. For just over an hour, because of Jay, she had been in touch with her feelings once again. Still, she was already terrified that the lifting of the clouds would not last.
But the important thing was that she had told him. She had told him her greatest fear and the world hadn’t stopped rotating on its axis. And he hadn’t looked at her like she was broken, or demented, or damaged goods. He looked at her the way he always did—like he wanted to take care of her, if only she’d just let him.
“Let’s talk about it tomorrow,” Jay said. “You’re tired. I’m tired. And I don’t want to wake him up. You want to sleep on the cot? It’ll be more comfortable.”
The hospital had provided them a fold-out bed, small, twin-sized, with a thin mattress.
“No. I like being here. Close to him.”
This time though, Keisha didn’t just want Lee nearby, she wanted Jay close as well. She slept in the bed next to their baby as always, and Jay slept in the chair next to it, his hand on the covers next to her, her hand atop his.
8
Jayson woke to a stiff neck and back, and an arm that had gone numb. Standing, he circled his neck, and stretched his arms above his head. It was morning, but still gloomy and grey outside. He would have to go home, see whether Kat needed a ride to the station, check on the schedule for the store and make sure he had someone to open for him.
Turning, he looked over at the hospital bed where Keisha was still asleep, breathing audibly but quietly. Next to her, his son was awake. Startled to see those wide-open grey eyes, Jayson grinned and moved closer to the bed.
“Hey,” he said, in an almost-whisper.
Lee offered him a smile of his own, then made one of his cooing-squawking noises, like he was trying to say ‘hello’ back.
“Shh,” Jayson said moving even closer. “Inside voice. You’ll wake Mommy.”
Lee struggled to sit up, and when he did, did so only with difficulty. Remembering the complications that Dr. Chen had mentioned—brain damage among them—Jayson felt a stab of fear. What if …?
But Lee was reaching out to him with both arms outstretched, and he had to answer that demand. He picked his son up and felt immediately that he was lighter.
“Missed you, man,” he whispered into his soft, feathery hair.
Lee rooted toward him, rubbing his soft face against Jayson’s rough one, touching it with both his little hands, and opening his mouth against it with a wet, sloppy mouth, as if trying to give him a kiss.
“Are you hungry?” Jayson asked. He kissed his son on the forehead, inhaling his milky baby scent.
Lee didn’t answer, he just burrowed closer, and then finally, as though he’d exhausted himself, rested his head on Jayson’s shoulder. He took him to the window, and turned toward it, opening the blinds a little more so that together, they could look out onto the misty morning.
“Beautiful, right?”
Lee cooed softly in response.
Though she offered to just take a Lyft or Uber, Jayson drove Kat to the train station, thanking her for coming up to be with Keisha, feeling generous once again now that he and his wife had reconnected. He was still thinking about what she’d told him, about her fears that she might have the same depressive illness as her mother, but just as when Chloe floated the idea of postpartum depression, he was worried, but also a little relieved.
If that was what it was, they would fight it together. They would have a common enemy and fight this thing, if that’s what it was, as a team. Losing her—because that was what it felt like—over these past few months had been hard, and lonely. It had been difficult, thinking that he was doing everything he could as a husband and as a man, and yet feeling like it was not enough. All his old fears, that Keisha was not the woman he hoped she was, had reared their ugly heads once again. He imagined she wanted to live a faster life, a more exciting one in the city. That she was bored with monogamy, with Lee, with him.
Knowing that those fears had been unfounded felt like an immense burden had been lifted. And now his son was better, and soon coming home.
“Tell Keisha I’ll call her this afternoon?” Kat said as she got out of the truck. “I’m sure she’s still knocked out. How was the bunny this morning?”
“He sat up,” Jay said. “Smiled at me and just sat right up.”
“Great,” Kat said. “Glad I could be of service,” she added.
“Thanks, Kat.” Jayson reached out a hand to her, which she took and squeezed.
He waited until she went into the station, pulling the collar of her jacket up around her ears, then he pulled off and headed to the store.
It was way too early to open, but he unlocked it and went inside, turning on the lights and the heat, getting things set up for the day. Whether he wound up opening, or Ashley did, it wouldn’t hurt to have things ready. All he needed was a little caffeine, and despite his poor sleeping position, he would be ready for the day.
Locking the door behind him, he walked over to Starbucks and stood on line with the other poor suckers, who needed their five-dollar java just to jumpstart their morning. He hadn’t come in for ages, because Ashley or he generally brewed their own at the store. But they were out of pods, and creamer. Ever since Lee had gotten sick, everything else had fallen way down on the priority list, including grocery shopping.
“I guess running into you is just one of those things that’ll just keep happening from now on.”
Jayson turned and smiled at the sound of Betty’s voice.
“Nah,” he said. “Probably not. I’ve weaned myself off this clip-joint. Just ran out of coffee back at the shop that’s all. This is a one-time only transgression, believe me.”
Betty pulled back and looked him over. “You sound all chipper this morning. Good news?”
“Yeah. He woke up last night, and this morning, me and him had our regular little father-and-son moment, just like we do at home.”
Betty’s shoulders sagged in a sigh of relief. “That’s amazing, Jayson. I knew he’d be fine. Your wife must be so happy.”
“She is.” He nodded. “So … lemme buy you a coffee?”
“Absolutely,” Betty said.
Inhaling deeply of the crisp air as he walked back to the store, Jay made a list in his head of things he needed to get at the store. Since it was so early, he cou
ld probably go over and do the shopping, get everything back to the house, and maybe even put in a few loads of laundry, so that Key wouldn’t have much else to do besides look after Lee when he came home.
Both the weather forecast, and his lifetime as a resident up here near the mountains told him snow was on the way, so he would make sure they had salt for their driveway and unearth the snowblower that he’d invested in last winter.
As he approached the store he saw that someone was waiting at the door, their back turned to him. It was a man, his hands shoved deep in his pocket, knit hat pulled down over his ears. Jayson didn’t recognize him at first, because he didn’t see his face. But it was the car that did it. The Audi SUV belonged to his brother-in-law, Austin. Walking faster, Jayson closed the distance between them in seconds and clamped a hand on Austin’s shoulder.
He turned, and Jayson saw that his eyes were red. His eyes were red and his nose dripping. And it didn’t look like it was from the cold either. Austin looked at him, swallowed hard and tried to speak, but only a guttural choking sound came out.
“Austin,” Jayson said. “What’s wrong? Is Chloe …? Are the girls …?”
Austin shook his head.
“No? What happened? Are they …?”
“No, Jayson. Not Chloe. Not the girls. Lee. It’s Lee. He’s … he’s …”
The world stopped. Before Austin could even finish his sentence the world stopped.
“… dead.”
The next thing Jayson knew, he was on the ground, on his knees, and he was wailing, shouting, imploring. And looking up at the cold, unforgiving sky.
the doctors seemed to think that the details mattered. Because they explained them over and over again. Sudden fever, seizures … unusual after so long … very aggressive infection … only ten percent of cases …
Four: Stories of Marriage Page 54