by Julia Goda
This made my temper rise. Perfect opportunity to let the bitch come out to turn him off.
“I can get into a truck by myself, Cal,” I snapped at him.
“Know that, Ivey. My way is more fun,” he said, grinning at me. I sat back and crossed my arms on my chest, making a harrumph sound in the back of my throat.
“Just so you know, babe, I can see you’re gearing up to play the game of trying to push me away by being a bitch. It’s not gonna work. So save your energy.” Long pause in which I seethed, but said nothing.
Then, “You know Betty is my mother?”
No, I did not know that. How did I not know that? Gosh, was I that blind? Wait, what did he mean?
“So?” I asked defiantly.
“Means she’s taught me everything I know about women. Granted, I went wrong more times than not, but that’s me being a dumbass not listening to her advice. With you, I am not making that mistake. And just like my mom, I can see straight through that wall of yours into the real you.”
My body stilled.
Completely.
Then the wheels in my head started turning and the only thing I could think of was escape. I needed to get out of here! Right now!
“Stop the truck, Cal,” I managed to say through my clenched teeth. He didn’t.
“Cal! Stop the goddamn truck!” I yelled at the windshield. Even I could hear the fear in my voice. Cal pulled over and while he did, I unsnapped my seat belt, ready to jump out as soon as the truck came to a halt.
I wasn’t fast enough.
Cal reached over to grab me around my waist and pulled me over the middle console to sit in his lap. My breath was coming so fast I thought I was going to hyperventilate. Or pass out. Or both. I started to struggle against his arms going around me, but there wasn’t enough room for me to get anywhere.
“Ivey, calm down,” Cal whispered in my ear in his soft voice.
I couldn’t. I was having a panic attack. Yes, that had to be it.
A panic attack.
My breath was coming out so fast my lungs started to hurt.
My heart was beating so hard it felt like it was going to jump out of my chest.
My eyes were looking around wildly, trying to find an escape route.
“Jesus, baby, calm down. Deep breaths,” still in his soft voice. I heard him talk but didn’t know what he was saying. Cal started breathing in and out slowly, which my body had no other choice but to react to, making me breathe with him.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
I took deep breaths until my heart rate slowed down and my lungs stopped hurting. I closed my eyes while I kept breathing slowly in and out.
There. That was better.
“Ivey. I need you to listen to me closely.”
I wasn’t going to. In fact, I was trying to block him out. If I couldn’t escape him physically, I could block him out mentally and pretend he wasn’t there. Pretend I was someplace else, someplace safe and guarded. Not in this truck with Cal, wide open and vulnerable.
But as he said, he could see right through my game.
He put his hand on my cheek to turn my head towards him, seeking my eyes. I had no choice but to look at him.
And he was close.
Very close.
All I could see were his eyes looking at me with such warmth and understanding and sadness that I got lost in their dark brown depth. In a voice so soft I couldn’t believe it belonged to this strong man, he laid it out for me.
All of it.
“I know you’re scared. Terrified to open up to me or anyone you think could hurt you. I see it. I feel it. It’s written all over you. I know you think you need your walls up, but you don’t. Not with me. Not with Macy, Betty, Pete, Linda, Cindy, almost anyone in this town. You are a beautiful woman. Inside and out. I might not know you that well yet, but going by how people talk about you and how they like being around you, I know that’s true. Everyone loves you. Everyone is protective of you. Everyone is worried about you. I don’t know who or what broke you and we’re not gonna talk about that tonight. What we will talk about is this: you are mine. I have claimed you. That means you don’t have to protect yourself from me. I will protect you. And I will take on those demons you have inside you. No matter what they are or who put them there, I will fight them with you until your light can shine freely. I will take them on and I will win, Ivey. I swear you do not have to be afraid of me. I will not hurt you. Ever. I am a part of your life now and you are a part of mine. And Tommy’s. With me comes Tommy. Which means, tomorrow we will come over for breakfast. And we will spend as much time together as we can. Every free minute. I will make you see that there is nothing to fear. Trust yourself in our hands and I swear, I swear you will not regret it.”
Deep breathing.
In and out.
In and out.
I closed my eyes tightly and let my head fall until it hit his chest. There I kept breathing while Cal stroked my cheek with his thumb.
Okay, I believed he believed what he was saying. It was clear that he meant every single word he said. I could see it in his eyes. Down to his soul. He swore he would protect me, swore I could trust him. He was determined to show me, he thought he wouldn’t hurt me. But my life had taught me that that was impossible, that eventually, I would get hurt, that pain was inevitable. I knew that there was only so much trust I was capable of giving. Even with people I loved, I always held something back. Some part of me that guaranteed that when the inevitable happened, I could walk away with a part of me still intact, with a part of me that I hadn’t given away, that was just mine. It was essential to my survival. But Betty and Macy were right. Both of them had said that I don’t need to guard my heart from the people who love me. That I could and should be me and feel safe enough to let go of the fear. And hadn’t I come to that same conclusion? Hadn’t I realized that I was living a half-life because I closed myself off from anything that could hurt me? From feeling too deep? Cal’s words ran through my mind again.
That means you don’t have to protect yourself from me. I will protect you. And I will take on those demons you have inside you.
I swear you do not have to be afraid of me.
“Is this real? Are you real?” I whispered in his chest.
A deep chuckle, which felt really nice with me sitting in his lap.
“Oh yeah, baby, I’m real,” he answered, lifted my head up to his lips, and kissed me on the forehead. I really liked him kissing my forehead.
I took another deep breath and decided to take a chance and let my body melt into him. Because I wanted this chance. I wanted it to be real. I was tired of being alone, of being guarded all the time. Cal was the kind of man that I would have normally stayed away from, the kind it was easy to fall for if you didn’t watch out. With Grant I had known that no matter how good the sex was or how nice he was, I would never fall for him. Cal was different. I didn’t know exactly what made him different, but somehow he was getting to me. Somehow I wanted him to get to me. Cal read my action correctly as me giving in and wrapped his arms around me tight. I hugged him tight right back.
“We good?”
“I don’t know,” I kept whispering.
I wanted to try. I really, really did.
Which meant he needed to know what he was in for.
I loosened my hold on him, straightened up in his lap, moved my hands to hold both his cheeks to look into his deep and soulful eyes. In a trembling whisper I was being as honest as I had ever been with a man.
“You need to know that I don’t know how to trust, that I might never be able to give you all of me. I’m not comfortable with this, with you reading me so easily and trying to get through to me. But I’m willing to try and let you in as much as I’m capable of. I can’t promise you anything. I might wake up tomorrow and take it all back. But I can try and give you one day at a time as long as you promise me you won’t willingly hurt me.”
; “I won’t,” Cal reassured me in a firm voice.
That was when I nodded and leaned in to kiss him softly. His arms around me tightened in return and he kissed me back. He ended the kiss and rubbed his nose against mine. Then he said, “Dinner,” which made me take a deep breath and smile shakily at him.
His smile wasn’t shaky but proud as he lifted me up and put me back in my seat. I put my seatbelt back on, and Cal drove us down the mountain to get dinner. The whole way down he held my hand tightly in his.
Yes, this felt good. I was still unsure what would come of this and it freaked me way the hell out, but I promised Cal I would give him one day at a time. So that’s what I would do. I owed him that much and more importantly, I owed it to myself.
Only when we arrived at Becca’s Kitchen in town did Cal let go of my hand to maneuver into a parking spot close to the entrance. He put the truck in park, released his seatbelt, turned to look at me and asked, “Ready?” to which I gave him a small smile and lied, “Yes.” I wasn’t ready. My nerves were shot, I was scared to death and nervous as hell, and the date was only twenty minutes old. I had no idea how I would make it through this.
As he got out on his side, I released my seatbelt with shaking hands and opened my door. I had one foot out on the running board when I felt hands gripping my waist and lifting me up and out of the truck. Surprised, I let out an “Eek,” whipped my head up, and braced my hands on Cal’s shoulders. His head tipped down and he didn’t look pleased.
“Babe, next time you wait.”
“Uh…wait?” I asked confused.
“Yeah. Wait.”
“For what?”
His head came down further until he was so close our noses almost touched. His eyes were boring into mine, and all I could do was stare at him.
“I’m a man.” He said, confusing me even more.
“Uh, yeah, honey, I get that.”
His body went still at my words.
What? Did I say something wrong? I hadn’t seen the ultimate proof but I was pretty sure he was a man. His eyes kept boring into me, but they had changed from being annoyed to being so intense that my body stilled as well and I stopped breathing. This went on for several moments until his hands that were still holding my waist gave me a squeeze and his body relaxed.
“A man that’s any man at all treats his woman with respect. For you, part of that means when you’re with me, you don’t open doors,” his voice had gentled.
Wow. That was nice.
I had never had a man open a door for me. Sure, leaving or entering a store or something, men—and sometimes women for that matter, but mostly men—would hold the door open for me out of politeness and I did the same, but this wasn’t what he meant. This was Cal being a gentleman, saying it was a man’s job to do simple things like opening doors for his woman.
Again.
Wow.
I got a funny feeling down in my belly as I released the breath I was still holding and smiled up at him.
“Okay. I’ll wait next time,” I said in a breathy voice.
Cal kept staring down at me, then his lips quirked up. He released my waist and took my hands that were still resting on his shoulders in both of his, released one, laced his fingers through mine of the other, then walked me up to the restaurant, opened the door, let my hand go, guided me through the door with a hand at the small of my back, followed me through the door, reclaimed my hand, and walked me up to the hostess station.
“Hey, Cal! Hi, Ivey!” Cora, the hostess, cheerily welcomed us. “Table for two?” She didn't seem surprised to see us together, holding hands. Guess the episode in Serendipity today had made the rounds already. Or Cal’s weeklong stalking might have clued everyone in.
He gave her a chin lift confirming we needed a table for two, which made me giggle. Cal’s head turned toward me, and his questioning eyes hit my amused ones. His face turned from questioning to gentle as he gave me a small smile while he squeezed my hand. Then he followed Cora through the restaurant, pulling me behind him.
When we reached our table, he released my hand to help me with my jacket, hung it on the hook by the booth before he moved to take off his own jacket.
I scooted halfway into the booth, expecting him to sit across from me. When he didn't appear across from me, I looked up at him, saw that he was still standing next to my seat waiting, and raised my eyebrows.
He raised his eyebrows back at me, then tipped up his chin. I drew my eyebrows down in confusion and asked, “Huh?”
“Babe. Scoot in,” He said, his tone amused.
Scoot in? I was scooted in. I looked to the other seat across from me, then back up at him, not getting it.
Apparently, Cal was done waiting, seeing as he lowered his body into the booth—my side of the booth—and pushed his hip against mine which made me scoot further into the booth until my right side hit wall.
I looked at him with my brows still drawn in confusion.
“What are you doing? Your seat is over there,” I said to him, pointing at the seat across from me.
“Want you close,” he said in return.
“Oh,” I muttered.
He wanted me close. Is that what men did when they took their women out for dinner? I had no idea. Granted, it had been a while since I’d dated. I was no-nonsense about my encounters with men. Yes, I had my go to men with whom I could enjoy myself, but I had never gone out with them. That was my rule. No going out or meeting in public, not even for a drink. Never took them to my house. Always met at their place, so when I got what I needed—and gave what they needed in return of course—I could leave. My terms. I never deviated from that. Until now.
I looked around the restaurant to check out the other patrons and their seating arrangements.
Paul and Chloe were sitting in the window booth, across from each other.
Bert and Linda were at a table in the middle of the room, also sitting across from each other.
So were Bill and Tara at the booth across from us.
The only people sitting next to each other were families with children, but then again, the man was sitting across from the woman, each with a child next to them, and teenagers on a double date it seemed like. But that was understandable. No teenage boy would want his girlfriend sitting next to another teenage boy. And the men at the bar, where you had no other option but to sit next to each other, seeing as it was a bar.
I looked back to Cal to see his amused eyes on me, waiting.
“Nobody else is sitting next to each other,” I pointed out to him.
“Don’t care,” was his response.
I again looked around the restaurant and realized that everyone but the teenage double date was looking at us, the women with curious looks on their faces, the men either grinning—the ones sitting with their women—or their teeth clenched—the ones sitting at the bar which I didn’t get.
There was a woman sitting at the bar with the men. Her eyes weren’t curious. They were scathing. Her face was twisted into an ugly mask of derision.
Uh, what?
Looking back at Cal I hissed under my breath, “Everyone is looking at us.”
This made him grin.
“The point, babe.”
“Cal—” I started, but was interrupted.
“Relax, baby,” he said, giving me a squeeze with his arm that I hadn’t realized until then was around my shoulder.
“I can’t. If looks could kill that blonde at the bar would have done the deed,” I hissed between my teeth. Cal’s head whipped around to the bar to see what I was talking about. When it came back to me his teeth were clenched. On another squeeze of my shoulder he said, “Ignore her. I do.”
Easy for him to say. He was not the target of a death glare. My body stayed tense and my eyes stayed on the woman at the bar. Until I felt lips brushing against my temple so gently I had no choice but to close my eyes and breathe out slowly.
“Let’s order,” I heard Cal mumble with his lips still at my temple.
“Okay,” I answered breathily, the woman at the bar all but forgotten.
I focused on the menu Cora had left for us, though I didn't really need to. I already knew what I wanted. I was a regular at Becca’s Kitchen. I didn’t usually eat in but ordered out a lot. Be it a sandwich for lunch that I would eat at my counter at the store or a homemade meatloaf that I would pick up on my way home. Their pizzas were great, too. And more often than not, I would come down the mountain just to pick up one of their fantastic desserts, like the hot fudge sundae or the German chocolate cake. Becca’s great grandparents were from Germany, and as everyone knows, besides beer Germans are famous for their cakes. The recipes Becca used had been handed down for generations. She had told me once that she came from a family of bakers and pastry makers, so it was no wonder that all their desserts were seriously divine. The German influence stopped there though, which I was grateful for. I wasn’t a fan of schnitzel and sauerkraut and cabbage and knödel. Ick.
I realized I was starving.
Since my store had been very busy today, I was run off my feet and hadn’t really had the time to eat anything. Add all that happened today and me being a dork and embarrassing myself in front of the whole town—okay, not the whole town but it sure felt like it—and being unsure and too nervous all day to eat I was now ravenous. My stomach confirmed this by growling loudly.
“See my woman’s hungry,” Cal muttered under his breath.
“That’s an understatement,” I said, also under my breath.
“Let’s get you fed then,” he said in a louder voice while trying to make eye contact with the waitress and being successful, giving her a chin lift indicating we were ready to order.
Conversation during dinner went well. We talked about all kinds of stuff in an easy flow. I asked Cal about Tommy and school, and Cal asked me about my bookstore.
It was during dessert that I realized I hadn’t been this comfortable in male company in a long time. So long I couldn't remember the last time I had felt this way. There was something about Cal that made me feel safe. I couldn’t explain it. Maybe it was the fact that my gut told me he was a good guy. Both of us living in the same small town, I had heard things about him, all of them good. I knew he didn’t fish in the Cedar Creek pond, probably because of the same reason I didn’t. Too messy. I could respect that.