by Julia Goda
Wow. That was beautiful.
“Now slide off me and go clean up. Not done with you. That was me claiming what’s mine. Next one will be slower.”
Okay. That was beautiful, too.
Wanting that, I leaned down to put my lips against his where I whispered, “Okay, baby,” then I slid off his body, cleaned myself up, and rejoined him in bed, where he fulfilled his promise of showing me slowly how much he loved me.
I was front to front with Cal, my back against the headboard, his hands at my ass holding me up, his cock thrusting upward and into me.
“Say it again.” I knew what he wanted. During the last hour he had asked me over and over again to tell him I loved him, and over and over again I had complied and given it to him. I did the same now.
“I love you, baby,” I breathed. I was close, so unbelievably close. He had kept me on the edge, had retreated again and again, drawing it out, making me wait. I loved it. But now I really needed to come. I communicated that by whimpering, “Cal, baby. Please.”
He thrust into me hard, grinding, rotating his hips when he hit the end of me, rubbing over that sensitive spot inside me again and again. Then he pulled out, and repeat. I was reaching for it, closer, so close now, reaching a little more…
“Eyes, baby. Give me your eyes.” Cal grunted. I opened my heavy lidded eyes halfway—that was all I could manage—and locked onto his in a lust filled fog.
“I love you, too, baby. So fucking much!” He shouted on one last heavy thrust and we both flew apart at the same time.
I came to with my back in the mattress, Cal on top of me. My legs were still wrapped around his hips as were my arms around his shoulders. His face was in my neck and he was still buried inside me.
Holy hell! I think I might have just passed out from orgasm.
I blinked a few times and tried to get my rapidly beating heart under control. Cal’s heart was beating just as rapidly. I could feel it pressed against my chest. We lay like that for what felt like forever and it was heavenly.
Cal lifted his face out of my neck and looked down at me, a smile playing at his lips. Those lips lowered to mine and he kissed me soft and easy.
“You’re mine, Ivey,” he murmured quietly against my lips.
“Yeah,” I replied just as quietly.
He kept on kissing me softly for a little longer before he leaned his head back. I thought this day couldn’t get more perfect, but his next words rocked my world yet again.
“Wanna put my ring on your finger.”
I momentarily froze, then melted underneath him and my face broke into a brilliant and happy smile as I breathed, “Okay.”
“Wanna put my baby in you.”
My heart leaped, then swelled, then its beat sped up again.
I hadn’t told him, yet. He didn’t know, yet, that I had been pregnant once and had lost the baby. But for the first time, the thought of telling him didn’t scare me. He deserved to know and I needed to tell him, but now was not the right moment. This moment was about our future, not my past.
“Okay,” I replied again.
Cal studied my face for a moment with a strange look that I couldn’t identify, then his eyes flared, he leaned down again, and pressed another soft kiss to my lips.
“Soon, Ivey.” He said when he was done kissing me.
“Soon,” I repeated.
“Christmas,” he stated.
My eyes got big. Christmas? That was just a month away!
“This Christmas.” Cal stated firmly.
“Honey, that’s in just a little over four weeks.” I informed him of something he already knew.
“Yeah,” he confirmed.
I stared at him. He didn’t take his eyes from me, but instead stared into them, showing me how much he wanted this, how much he wanted me to be his wife, how much he wanted to be my husband. Since I loved all of that, I gave in and again melted underneath him.
I knew he read my reaction correctly as me giving into his ludicrous demand when he again stated, “Christmas,” before he slanted his head and kissed me again. Not soft this time, but hard and deep and possessive. Seeing as I loved all of his kisses, I joined in and gave all that he gave me right back to him.
*****
I was walking down the stairs after our morning sex marathon and kind of engagement, putting my earrings in, when I heard Cal talk on the phone.
We had taken another shower together, a shower, where for the first time since we started out, we did not make each other come. What we did do to take care of each other was wash each other’s bodies. It was the most intimate experience, and the gentleness and reverence that was shining in his eyes when he lathered my body in soap, made me fall in love him even more.
He had toweled me off, kissed my nose, then grabbed a towel for himself, and took it with him to the bedroom, where I assumed he got dressed. When I hit the bedroom a few minutes later to find my clothes, he was already gone. I got a new pair of panties from my bag, redressed in my jeans and shirt, chose a pair of earrings, and went in search of my man. I needed another kiss before we both went our own way for the day.
“What do you mean you can’t find him? A month ago you told me you had eyes on him,” I heard Cal’s hard voice saying to whoever was on the other end of the line.
“Fuck, Bane. I need this shit done. Now. I’ve been patient. You’ve assured me I’d get my shot to teach Kyle Parker a lesson he won’t soon forget. I’m counting on you to make that happen.”
I stopped dead.
Kyle Parker?
Cal was talking to someone about Kyle Parker?
There was only one Kyle Parker I knew. My ex-boyfriend, who almost beat me to death. I had never told Cal Kyle’s last name. But I had no doubt that that was who Cal was talking about.
And the thought that he must know hit me.
He knew.
He knew everything.
“Bane, get me right fucking now. You find him. I don’t care what you have to do, but you find him. I want Ivey free and safe. And she can’t be that, knowing that asshole is out there. She can’t be that if there is the slightest chance he could still come after her. You and I both know that assholes like that do not change. He needs to forget she exists. It’s my job to protect her, so I’m gonna be the one who makes sure he does. Find him.” The words he spoke in his low and tense voice were beautiful, but that didn’t penetrate. I could hear Stella yapping at him and whereas that would usually make me smile, this time, it didn’t touch me. The only thing that reached my brain was that he knew.
And it wasn’t me who told him.
Somehow he had found out.
Someone had told him what was mine to share.
And if that wasn’t bad enough, when I did share with him things about my past, he had acted like he didn’t know.
He hadn’t said a thing.
The feeling of betrayal started sliding through my body, obliterating all the good and happy I had felt just a few seconds ago.
I stayed rooted to the floor as I listened to Cal ending the call.
“Right. Later.”
I heard him walking towards the corner and stilled, I stayed rooted.
My heart hammered in my chest.
My eyes were wide and stared into nothing, filling with tears.
My lips trembled.
My fists clenched and unclenched at my sides.
My breath came in rapid pants.
My unseeing eyes started seeing again when they saw Cal rounding the corner with Stella at his heels, coming to an abrupt halt a few feet from me. Even Stella stopped short, probably reading the vibe. I turned my head and met his eyes. He flinched, then took a step towards me, but my body reacted and I stepped back.
“Shit. You heard,” he said. His voice was laced with horror and regret.
Oh yeah. I heard.
I said nothing. Just stared at him.
“Ivey, baby—” he started, but I put my hand up, palm out to stop him.
&nb
sp; “You know,” I whispered low and cold. I saw him flinch again at hearing my tone. He held my eyes, then nodded.
“You know,” I whispered again, harsher this time.
“I know,” he confirmed warily.
“Everything?” He studied me for a few seconds, then his eyes turned sad and he nodded again.
“Everything, baby.” I closed my eyes in an effort to control the pain that was threatening to slice me wide open.
“How long?” I asked with my eyes still closed.
Nothing. Cal stayed silent. I opened my eyes.
“HOW LONG, CAL?” I screamed.
“Baby—” he tried to advance on me again, but I took another step back and he again stopped.
“Don’t come near me. Tell me how long you’ve known, Cal.” I wasn’t screaming now. My voice was low and controlled. And hard. Cal heard it. He knew what that meant.
“Since our first Monday,” he said on a sigh. His hand was raking through his hair in frustration. “Ivey, baby, you gotta understand. I had to know what I was dealing with. Those panic attacks…They scared the shit out of me, baby. I had to know how I could help you beat them, what I needed to do to let me in. I had to understand why you had them.”
I was aware that he was talking, but I didn’t hear what he was saying. I was stuck on the fact that he had known since our first Monday. The day that he had come to my house for lunch for the first time. The day that I had felt safe enough for the first time in my life to completely let go. The day that I had given him all of me.
And all of that had been based on a lie.
“You’ve known this whole time,” I was back to whispering, the pain too much. It was choking me. I was shaking my head as a defense mechanism, trying to block out his words. My eyes were again unseeing. So I didn’t see it when Cal came towards me. Thus, I didn’t react. I didn’t react until he had his arms around me and was pulling me tight against his body. He was talking to me, but again I couldn’t focus on what he was saying, didn’t want to hear what he was saying.
He had lied to me. For real this time. He had lied to me for weeks. For months.
And that hurt.
With a mighty heave I pulled out of his arms and took a few quick steps back in the direction of the front door.
“That was mine to share, Cal. That was not something that you could take because you feel entitled to that information. It was mine to give, not yours to take. You asked me to trust you. No, you vowed to me that you would always protect me, that you wouldn’t let anyone ever hurt me again. And I gave you that trust. I let go of the hurt and pain and let you in all the way. I entrusted it all to you, Cal. And you betrayed that trust. You betrayed that trust by going behind my back. And what’s even worse, when I shared some of my past with you, you didn’t give me any indication that you already knew everything. Which means you lied to me. For weeks you lied to me.”
“Would you have told me?”
“Yes, Cal. I would have told you. I was just trying to figure out how. Sharing that by letting some asshole into my life, by being too blind and too stupid to realize that he is an asshole, I am responsible for letting him beat me half to death and killing my baby doing it, is not something that’s easy to share. I carry that guilt around with me every day. It’s eating at me every day. But I was starting to let it go. So yes, Cal, I would have told you.” Cal’s face had softened, then tensed again.
“Do not take that shit on, Ivey. None of that was your fault.” I didn’t agree. But he would never understand, so there was no use in discussing this. I had to get out of here. Get out of here and try to get my head together. There was just one more thing I needed to know before I could go and make that impossible attempt.
“Who told you? Was it Macy? Larry?” My chest got tighter at the thought that my best friend was in cahoots with my boyfriend and hey had both betrayed me. Cal read me and immediately eased my mind by saying, “No, baby, it wasn’t Macy or Larry. I would never do that to you, would never put them in a position like that.” The tightness in my chest eased as relief washed through me.
Right.
Time to get out of here.
I turned around, walked to the front door, and grabbed my purse that was sitting on the table in the front hall. My hand on the doorknob, I felt Cal’s presence behind me. I knew he was going to stop me from leaving. But I needed to get away. If I gave him the chance to hold me in his strong arms that had always felt nothing but safe, I knew he would be able to talk me around. Letting his strength and his sweet words overwhelm me was the last thing I needed right now. What I needed was to think, away from all that. Think and sort out my head.
So I stopped him.
“Don’t,” I hissed. “Don’t, Cal. I need time to think and you’re gonna give it to me. I don’t know where we’re going from here or if there is still a future for us. I need time to figure it out. And I’m gonna do that away from you.” I said this without looking at him and when I was done, I opened the door, walked through it, then closed it behind me, and went to my truck.
Cal let me go. He was going to give me what I asked for and didn’t come after me.
That was a relief.
At the same time it wasn’t.
Cal
Cal stood in the front hall of his house staring at the front door that had closed behind his woman five minutes ago. He was furious with himself. So furious that he knew the slightest twitch would make him lose control. So he stood there, his breathing hard, until he got his shit together. And when he moved again, he went straight to his bedroom to finish dressing. Socks, boots, plaid shirt over his thermal.
Then he took out his phone again and called his office to inform them he wouldn’t be coming in today.
He was going after his woman.
She said she needed time away from him to think and he had let her go. But he didn’t have it in him to actually let her go.
The way she had left worried him. She hadn’t been ruled by her emotions. Had been almost rational, considering the circumstances. Rational and cold. The hurt was clear in her eyes, was clear in every feature of her face, but she hadn’t let that rule her actions. Not completely. Instead of storming out of his house in a rage or in tears, she had been scarily calm. Too calm.
So he was worried that she was already distancing herself emotionally from him, that his betrayal went too deep. She said she didn’t know where they were going from here. Or if they even had a future. As if there was a possibility that they were over.
There wasn’t.
He wouldn’t let that happen.
He would fix this.
But the thing that almost worried him more was the fact that Ivey held herself responsible for that asshole beating her up and killing her unborn child. She was carrying a guilt that wasn’t hers to shoulder. And he had a feeling that that had been the reason why she hadn’t told him about it. That she was afraid he would judge her and hold her responsible as well. He was going to have to disabuse her of that notion. In no way was she responsible for the death of her child, nor was she responsible for falling in love with a supreme asshole and letting that love blind her to who he really was.
So he was going after her. They were going to talk. She would understand and they would make up. Then he would help her heal.
There was no other option.
He would make her forgive him, make her see that they needed each other, that they were strong enough, that nothing would ever be able to break them apart. They were going to get through this. Then they were moving in together, getting married, and starting a family.
Yes. That’s what was going to happen.
His second call went to Bane. When Bane had told him that Parker was in the wind, he had also told him that he had a bad feeling in his gut. That’s why Cal had lost his mind and had forgotten that Ivey was in the house and could potentially hear his conversation. Bane was on his way down here. Which was not a good sign. It told him that there was a chance that Parker was co
ming after Ivey. And that made his gut churn and his chest tighten.
He needed to get to his woman. Make sure she was safe. Make sure they were okay.
So fifteen minutes after Ivey left his house, he locked Stella in her kennel, then he was in his truck and on his way to the other side of town.
Fifteen minutes that he would soon learn were fifteen too many.
Ivey
I was going home. I needed to be in my house, needed the comfort it provided to settle me down and let me think. Let me figure out the war my brain and my emotions were fighting inside me.
The betrayal.
The lies.
It all hurt too much.
Logically, I could see where Cal was coming from. In a way it was even sweet that he did what he did because he felt the need to protect me. Felt the need to avenge me, the need to eliminate a threat and make me safe.
But that didn’t cancel out the fact that he had lied to me. For months. That he had kept lying to me even after I had opened up to him about my past. Granted, I hadn’t given him all of it, but since he had already known everything, he should have said something then, should have told me that he already knew everything.
I understood now why he had given me that strange look this morning in bed when he had told me he wanted to make babies soon, why he had studied my face so intently. He had waited for me to say something, to tell him about my miscarriage. And I had wanted to, but didn’t think the moment had been right. Now it was too late.
When I made the turn at the end of town that would lead me up to my house, the tears that I had tried so hard to hold at bay were blurring my vision, then spilled over and ran down my cheeks. A sob was crawling up my throat, clogging it, strangling me.
By the time my house came into view, I was crying and sobbing so hard I didn’t see the car that was half hidden by the trees by the side of my shed. Lost in the pain with the only focus of getting inside my house, I didn’t realize that my front door was unlocked. I collapsed on my knees in the foyer, wrecked by the ferocity of my sobs, not feeling or seeing anything around me, so lost in the fear that I had just lost my only chance at happiness that I didn’t sense the danger until it was too late.