by Divya Sood
“I can, Anjali, I can. Give me a chance to try. I will take care of you. I will be here every day, all the time. And I will love you through this. I will love you because I do love you. I fucked up. I don’t even know why this happened.”
“You want to know how this happened? You really want to know?”
“Yeah.”
“I found out that you fucked me over, that some bitch picked you up from my apartment in a convertible and took you God knows where to fuck. I found out you had lied to me again but this time, you made a fool of me. I was drunk trying to cross a street, Jess, and I got hit by a fucking cab. That’s what happened.”
I looked at her and expected her to cry. She didn’t. I felt her gaze sear me with its intensity. I didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t know what I could say.
“It wasn’t like that. She just took me away to write. That’s all it was about.”
Anjali laughed and then squirmed in pain.
“Jess, you’re so full of shit! Took you to write? That’s all it was about?”
“Yes, about finding my voice.”
“Because I wouldn’t have offered? Because I wouldn’t have done that for you? Fuck that. You lied to me, Jess. Flat out lied to run away with someone else. And I’m supposed to think that’s all right because at the end of the day, it was about writing which, by the way, is the most bullshit thing you’ve said yet.”
“No. Yes.”
I hadn’t been prepared for this. But as I thought about what she said, I realized she was right. Where were my words? What could I say to make it better?
Finally I said, “I love you. And this was my last fuck up, I promise. I love you and we are going to make this work. We will.”
Why I was saying what I was saying, I still don’t know. I knew even less how I could ask Vanessa to be with me but then promise to be with Anjali. But I knew that I was desperate to take the sadness out of Anjali’s eyes. I could not look at her be that hurt both physically and emotionally and know that I had done that to her. I had never seen her hurt because she had made it very easy to ignore. But this time, it was not so. This time, she wore her hurt everywhere and I saw it. It was in her eyes. It was across her forehead in the form of a bruise, purple and red and blue. It was in her voice as she spoke to me. I wanted my Anjali back. I wanted back the woman who would do anything to make me smile. To have her back, I would promise anything, even my devotion.
“You want to be with me?” She asked.
“I want to try with you.”
“Because I got hurt?”
“No, because I love you. I want always to come home to you.”
It wasn’t a lie. I did always want Anjali to open the door for me at the end of my day. I didn’t know how this fantasy could live in conjunction with my fantasies of waking up to Vanessa every morning. But somehow both these thoughts lived inside me side by side, peacefully, as if it were ever going to be possible.
“You want this to work, Jess? That’s what you want? Then be here with me. Be here for me. And only me. And be mine. That’s what I want. And that’s the one thing you can’t do, isn’t it? Because in your mind, and maybe in your heart and God knows where else, all you can think about is her.”
“But Anjali…”
“No. No. This time, I call the shots. This time, I talk, you listen. Four fucking years it’s been about you. Now, Jess, it’s about me.”
I placed my hands in her hair and tried to kiss her mouth, but she turned. I kissed her forehead gently, where the bruise was.
“Please don’t touch me. At least shower to get her scent off your skin.”
I got up slowly and went to the bathroom. I closed the door, knelt on the floor as if in prayer and cried. What was I doing? What was I going to do? What would it mean for Anjali to call the shots? And could I ever give her something now that I hadn’t given her in the past? How could I do that? Devotion. I had promised her my devotion. But there was Vanessa also…
I felt my phone vibrate and I picked up.
“Hello?”
“Jess?”
“Vanessa?”
“Hey. I’m just making sure everything’s okay.”
“Yeah,” I said.
“I just thought I’d check and make sure.”
I didn’t say anything.
“You there?”
“There is one thing, Vanessa…”
“What’s up?”
I took a deep breath.
“I’ve been thinking,” I said. “And I don’t want you to look me up until you break it off with Danny. I don’t want to see you or talk to you until then. That’s what I want.”
I said the words quickly so they could actually come out and not be stuck in my throat. In reality, I wanted to see Vanessa right then, to be near her, to touch her. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. But I had to do what I did, say what I said. For Anjali’s sake. And for my sanity.
“What? What the fuck? That’s not how we ended things.”
“Well, that’s how I’m ending them now. So that’s that, right? You know where I live. Come get me.”
I hung up. If I had said any more, I wouldn’t have been able to go through with what I had said. I thought about what I had just done. I had shut a door that I myself had opened, run from the very person I had run towards. I had betrayed her and also, I knew this to be true, I had betrayed myself as well. But what choice did I have? I couldn’t leave Anjali with crutches leaning against the coffee table. And I wouldn’t leave Anjali with sadness in her eyes, broken in every way imaginable. So really, what choice did I have?
I knew Vanessa couldn’t break it off with Danny. I didn’t want to tell her that I had agreed to be with Anjali because it wasn’t really as simple as all that. My hopes were that after Anjali was better, she would realize we couldn’t work out. Then I would go to Vanessa and talk to her. I would explain the situation to her. I would tell her I was ready to accept whatever her terms were because I loved her.
I wasn’t exactly proud of my decision but I found it the best way to handle things. Anjali needed me and I would be there for her. But I had faith that we wouldn’t work out and she would see that we were not compatible. And when she willingly said that, then I could go back to Vanessa and talk to her, letting her know that I had always loved her.
I washed my face and dried it gently. I hung the towel on the bar, making sure it was smoothed out and even with the other towel that hung there. I went back to the sofa and sat next to Anjali.
“Anjali, I will be here. I promise I will be yours. No questions. No doubts.”
I let her lie down and massaged her scalp for her. I lifted her shirt and looked at her torso, the right side swollen and bruised. I kissed her broken bones gently, through the stark white bandage, past the bruises. I wanted, at that moment, nothing more than to kiss her every hurt and to rub away her every pain. She closed her eyes and I got up and paced the room.
“So what restrictions do you have?” I asked
“Move as little as possible, Jess. And then only when I have to. At least for a while.”
“How long?”
“The ribs take about two months or so. They hurt.”
I kissed her forehead gently.
“What about your leg?”
“Two to three months.”
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I said, “But I promise I’m here and I will take care of you.”
“You know something, Jess? If I could get up and walk out on you right now, I would. But I fucking can’t move. So here I am, your captive audience for the next few weeks.”
I noticed that not once had she asked me to leave. Not once had she reminded me that this was her space, her apartment and her life. She was willing to try but again. But this time I wouldn’t hurt her. That was my promise to myself. For all that Anjali had done for me, I owed her these few months. Just as Vanessa had repaid Danny by letting him fuck her, I would repay Anjali by taking care of her faithfully with no distractions
. Emotion didn’t even enter into the equation. Or so I thought then.
“I’ll be here, Anjali. I’ll be here for you.”
I could tell be the way she looked at me that she didn’t trust me. I wouldn’t trust me either if I were in her place. But I couldn’t leave things this way with her. I would have to show her that I cared about her, that I would do anything to heal whatever damage I had done. I wasn’t worried about promising her my life. I knew she would see that it wasn’t meant to be a life that I shared with her. But I would allow her to come to that conclusion. I would allow her to tell me. And then I would talk to Vanessa and be with her.
What if Anjali realized at the end of it all that we were meant to be together and fell madly in love with me? What if she asked for my life, a life I had already promised to her? Could I really walk out on her then? It made me uneasy to think that this was a possibility. It wasn’t. It wouldn’t turn out that way. I had to have things turn out the way I had thought they would because I could not imagine my life without Vanessa. I had to be with her again. There were still many times left to watch her smile and hear her voice. I couldn’t imagine that there weren’t.
“You want to sleep?” I asked Anjali.
She said nothing.
“Why don’t you sleep for a while? Do you want me to take you to the bedroom?”
“No, I’m okay here. I don’t feel like moving. I just want lie here for right now.”
“Sure. I’m going to sleep across on the other side so if you need anything, I’ll be here.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“No, I do. I want to take care of you, baby. And I will. I’m not going to leave your side for anything.”
“It sounds so dishonest from your lips, the word ‘baby.’ I have to wonder if you called her that time and time again, if it’s just a word for you to toss around.”
“It means I care for you.”
“I see how.”
“I’m sorry. I really am.”
I smoothed the hair away from her forehead. She made a sound as I touched the bruise above her eyebrow and I pulled my hand away. She closed her eyes and I watched her as her breathing became deep and peaceful. As she slept, I started to think about what was to come. I thought how, just days ago, everything had been simple and different. But things were still simple, weren’t they? For the moment, all I had to know was that I was there for Anjali, night and day, body mind and soul and the rest would follow with the unraveling of time. Vanessa would still be there, she had to be there because she had my heart. I would return to her. But before that, I would take care of Anjali.
I know now that I had agreed to take care of Anjali out of a sense of guilt and responsibility. I had thought that mending her body would mend the past for us, allow her and me to forget all the suffering that I had caused her. That was what had made me want to care for her. But I did not know then that Anjali Chopra was capable of stealing my heart. A heart that, for all I knew, I had already given to Vanessa. But Anjali proved to me that I hadn’t given anything to anyone because I was, more than anything, reluctant to let go.
Chapter Twenty-six
Autumn grew colder as if inviting winter into its midst. I stayed with Anjali every day and made sure I was close to her in case she needed anything. The first week that I cared for her, she didn’t say much and slept most of the time. I helped her to the bathroom throughout the day and then led her back to her place on the couch. I sponged her body with warm water and gentle soap that smelled like freesia. She was somehow embarrassed as I bathed her body.
“I’ve seen you naked, you know,” I said to her the second day that I was bathing her.
“I know.”
“So why do you look away from me?”
“When we make love, we both concentrate on making love. When you bathe me, I feel like you’re studying my body, looking for imperfections. You’ll notice my breasts are uneven and you’ll see how awful my bruises look under the bandages. You’ll see that I haven’t shaved anywhere since last week. I don’t want you to see all that.”
“You know what I see?” I asked.
“What’s that?”
“I see that you are beautiful. There is nothing more for me to see.”
I looked into her eyes and wished I could somehow let her know how perfect I thought her body was. I loved her body with all its ebbs and tides and with the swells and valleys that I traveled when I made love to her. I loved feeling the softness of her skin when I wiped her with a soft cloth scented with freesia. I had never understood her being uncertain about her body because I knew within myself that hers was the most perfect body I had ever touched.
“Anjali, you know what your problem is? You never see truth when you look in a mirror.”
“What?”
“You don’t ever see how beautiful your body is. I’ve never understood that about you,” I said.
“You think I’m beautiful?”
“Yes, I do. I think you’re the most beautiful woman I have ever made love to.”
“Even more beautiful than the girl you went away with?” she asked.
I wasn’t prepared for that question. I didn’t think Anjali would ask me anything about my time away with Vanessa. But she had a right. It had been my lie, her money and, apparently, the cause of her accident.
“Yes,” I said.
Anjali was more attractive than Vanessa when it came to her body. But Vanessa captured my attention like no one ever had. Vanessa’s attraction lay not in her body or even in making love but in her spirit. I wanted to see a new day with Vanessa to see what she would find and where it would lead us. I was mesmerized by her. So I hadn’t lied to Anjali because we were talking about her body. But I hoped that she wouldn’t ask me anything further because I didn’t want to hurt her with truth and yet I did not want to deceive her with lies either.
“What’s she like, Jess?”
“Who?” I asked as I took her feet in my lap.
I started to massage her feet slowly, concentrating only on the motion of my fingers.
“You know who. What’s her name anyway?”
I looked at her and tried to see where her questions were coming from and how she felt asking them. Was she angry? Was she trying to make me think of Vanessa knowing that I could not talk to her? I searched her face and had to look away. Anjali was neither angry nor was she being spiteful. Truth was Anjali was hurt and sad. I didn’t know what to do with that. Anger would have been something I could have dealt with. But thinking of Anjali blindly crossing the street, half drunk, because I had lied to her and because I had betrayed her was something I did not want to think about.
“Anjali, let it go.”
“Let it go? Let it go? Are you fucking serious, Jess? You told me you would be faithful to me. Then you drove to God knows where with another woman and shared with her all that you had promised to me. And then you came home only because you somehow found out that I was hurt and again told me you could be faithful when it’s evident you can’t. And then you want me to ‘let it go?’ Seriously? Jess, you’re fucking crazy.”
It all sounded really bad the way that Anjali put it. But I had to admit that it was the truth. That’s why I said nothing and waited for her to speak again.
“So what’s her name?”
“It doesn’t matter. We were friends. We were just friends.”
“If that’s all you had, Jess, and you truly believe that, then why did you have to lie to me? Why couldn’t you just tell me that you were going away?”
I didn’t know why I had lied. She would have given me the money either way. I could have said I was going away for a while. I did go away every year, at least once but maybe to Atlantic City on a work outing or maybe to Queens to stay with a family friend. But regardless, she had never asked where I was going or with whom. I could have told her the truth. So why had I lied to her?
“I don’t know why I lied to you,” I confessed, hoping she could see that I was tellin
g her the truth, hoping she realized I had no answers for myself let alone for her.
“Platonic my ass,” she said.
Tears came to her eyes.
“You lied to me,” she said, “because you love her.”
“Anjali, I love you too.”
I regretted the words as soon as I said them. Why did I say such stupid things true as they were?
“You love both of us? That’s still not the same as loving me.”
I tried to wipe her eyes but she pulled away. “Things are different than they have been, Jess.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m tired of you.”
Her words resonated throughout the room and I took a step back as if she had attacked me.
“Anjali…”
“So what’s her name?”
“Can we not talk about this, please?”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t see the point. I’m here, aren’t I? So what’s the point of talking about her?”
“You are here, no doubt. But your thoughts are somewhere else. You think I don’t see that?”
I gently pushed her feet off my lap and got up. I stretched upwards towards the ceiling.
“You know what? I think I’m going to start writing every day.”
“Are you changing the topic?”
“Yes I am. I don’t want to talk about her. There is no reason to. You got what you wanted, right?”
“And what’s that?”
“You wanted me to be with you and I am.”
“No, Jess. I wanted you to be in love with me and only me. I wanted us to share this life. I wanted to marry you. I believed we could love each other forever and a day. That’s what I wanted. And now, Jess, after four fucking years I’m tired. I’m tired of loving you. Can you understand that?”
I sat down beside her.
“I understand,” I said. “So you don’t love me anymore?”
“No Jess! No. Love doesn’t evaporate when it doesn’t work. It still stays inside, still hopes, still dreams.”