Chapter Fifteen
Letter 8
Do you remember the day we went to the park, actually forget that because I’d be worried about your memory if you didn’t, because that was only six weeks ago wasn’t it, even though it seems like so much longer, but there it is only six weeks ago, so I hope you do remember it. I do have a point I swear, but first off I want to apologize. I’ve been so annoying recently, and don’t even bother to deny it. I can be stubborn when I want to be, and not writing anything for these past two weeks was stubborn. I know that’s probably why you’ve been distant with me, why you’re not answering my calls or my texts. I shouldn’t have gotten angry at you, but I guess I wanted to punish you for leaving that night, or rather not for leaving, because it was late and you did need to go, but I guess I was just mad that you were so blunt about it, just out of the blue you suddenly bail, I got angry, and then you came in the next day and you were so distant, you wouldn’t talk to me, not really talk anyway, and then I got madder and so I called to talk it over, and you’ve been ignoring my calls. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry, I know that I’ve not exactly been easy to handle these last couple of weeks, and so I’m not mad at you for being a little off with me.
I should never have been mad at you in the first place, you were just doing what’s right, you don’t want to get too close, you can’t get too close, and I would never want to do anything to hurt you, or your career, and becoming friends with patients, I know that it’s against hospital policy. So you have to be professional, and I know that, really I do, but I also know that I need you back, the you that really talks to me, and understands me, the you that laughs with me, and who sneaks me up onto the roof, I don’t want to lose that. I guess that it’s the stubborn part of my brain that was upset, because the truth is I didn’t want you to leave so early, I wanted to keep talking to you. Anyway I’m over the whole stubborn thing now, and I’m sorry for freezing you out, so can we just go back to how things were? As proof that I’m really done freezing you out, not only do I have this letter for you, but I’m finally going to give you the notebooks I’ve been promising you. So do you forgive me? Please say you forgive me, because I’ve struggled over this apology, and I’d hate it if you didn’t forgive me. So can we be friends again?
Ok so shall we get to the story now? Because I can’t apologize much more, because frankly how you’ve been with me recently, I’d be surprised if you actually read this far. I hope you are still reading though, because I have something to tell you, and I think this is one that you’ve been waiting for, because remember what I told you in the park, you see I told you I had a point for bringing up the park, well I told you that I almost drowned once, well this is that story. Are you ready for this? Because I guess you could say this is the worst part of my story, the part I would rather forget all together.
About a month after dropping out of high school, I stopped receiving the emails. It wasn’t a gradual thing either, I suppose it would have made more sense if that was how it went, but nothing in my life makes much sense, except you. Anyway, one day I had countless emails in my inbox, all from people at school, and then the next day there was nothing. It put me on edge so much that I checked my email every five minutes, I’d just spend hours staring at my phone waiting for it to bleep, letting me know another hateful email was in my inbox, but there was nothing. It was as if Kim, who was undoubtedly in control of it all, had announced at school that they no longer needed to email me. It seemed ridiculous to me, because surely she couldn’t hold that much power over everyone in the school, and yet hadn’t I seen her doing it, hadn’t I seen people following after her, taking her lead in everything, and here was proof again, there were no emails. I didn’t think it would last, I started imagining there had been some sort of blackout, all the internet connections in the city had gone, and so I kept checking my connection, and it was fine. After a week like this I started to relax, letting myself become more adjusted to the fact that they’d simply stopped harassing me. The relief I felt was immensely deep, deeper than I’d expected it to be, and it continued, day after day of silence on their part. I guess some people might think that since the bullying had stopped, I would start healing and start eating again, but that wasn’t the case. I wish I could tell you that I started getting better, that I was moving past it, but you know that isn’t the case, or else why would I be here. No, I didn’t start eating again, the anorexia had a hold on me and I couldn’t stop that, I couldn’t fight against it. I was afraid to eat, and that was a feeling that wouldn’t go away with the sudden end of the bullying. I wish that it was, but I was already on a downward spiral, and there wasn’t any possible way I could pull myself back up, at least no way that I could see.
I should have been happy right? I was, I mean I think a big part of me was happy, thrilled even, but then there was this little niggling thought in the back of my mind, thinking maybe I had done it, maybe I really was invisible now, maybe I really didn’t matter to anyone. Things were still bad for me; it had all gone too far for me to get back to normal easily. I was losing more weight than ever, I was more obsessive about things than before, and the only thing that had changed was the bullying. I was still unraveling, and I had nobody to turn to; I felt immeasurably alone, I spent the nights curled up in bed crying into my pillow, and my days running from my problems, literally running until it started to hurt.
August 27th 2010, I was running through the park at night, foolish I know but it was too hot in the day, so I’d taken to running at night, when the streets were cooler, and the park was quieter. There were still a few people who walked around at night, couples holding hands on their way back from some romantic date, a few lonely people walking dogs, homeless people thankful for the warm nights, curling up to get a good night’s rest under the stars, there were inevitably the drunks coming out of the clubs, and then there were also a few other runners, I was clearly not the only person who found it too hot to run in the day. However despite all these other people, there were still several sections of the park which were quiet, and so I could sometimes run for hours without seeing anyone, especially after one or two in the morning, and I often did run for hours, but not that night. I felt too weak to continue for as long as I usually would have, the thought that I was too weak to run was astonishing to me, it had never happened before, even when I had the flu I could still run longer than I could that night. I know I should have realized that it was because I hadn’t been eating, but the thought didn’t even cross my mind, I just kept thinking I’m slimmer, I’m exercising more, I should be in peak physical condition. I didn’t see how unhealthy I was; to me it was the skinnier the better.
I did have to face facts that night though, because I couldn’t keep up with my usual lengths, I had to change my system, I’d run for around ten minutes, then I’d have a sit down wherever I could, on a bench, on the ground, perched on the edge of a fountain. I just needed to sit down, my chest would start hurting and everything would start blurring in front of my eyes. I would sit for twenty minutes or so, until things started returning to normal, and then I would start up again, run for another ten minutes and try like mad not to pass out. I kept this system up until a little after two in the morning. I should have gone home, but the night was so warm and it was so peaceful, if I just kept running then nothing could touch me, I truly believed that. At a little after two in the morning I had to stop again, this time I was leaning against a tree, struggling to stop things from spinning, the pain in my legs and chest was immense, I was feeling so weak, doubled over in pain. I’ve since been told that I did permanent damage to my heart that night, I’ll always be weaker now, because of putting all that strain on myself. At the time though I didn’t see how dangerous it was, what I was doing to myself, not eating and exercising so much, I didn’t see how much danger I was putting myself in.
Like I was saying, I was up against this tree and that’s when I heard it, or rather I heard her.
‘River i
s that you?’ I looked up sharply as I heard my name, it was the wrong move because the quick movement caused pain to rip through my head, my already blurring vision became worse, and I started to feel myself sway. I was trying to figure out who it was that was speaking to me, but I couldn’t focus long enough to make out her features. All I could make out was that it was a female voice, and one that I knew well, and before I could do anything she spoke again, ‘you’re not doing too well are you?’ There was an obvious sneer in her voice; I knew that whoever it was they weren’t being friendly.
‘What do you want?’ I remember pressing my eyes shut trying to stabilize myself, a hand wrapped itself around my arm, I tried to pull away but it was too hard, I was too weak from running for so long, and I could hardly stand upright, let alone struggle out of her strong grip.
‘I just want to help you darling, you do look incredibly overheated.’ Her voice was dripping with sarcasm, and she started pulling me away from the tree I’d been resting against. I now recognized the voice, and my vision had finally focused enough to see who it was, I’m sure you’ve already guessed, it was Kim.
‘What are you doing here?’ I tried to keep the panic from my voice; after all she was just a seventeen year old girl, the same as me, so why should I be afraid of her? But it was dark, and I felt so weak that panic started setting in, I tried harder to pull away from her, she just used her other hand to grab my other arm, gripping so tightly that she was leaving marks.
‘Oh what I’m doing here doesn’t matter sweetie, what matters is that I’m here to help, because you really do look hot, so how about a swim?’
Do you know where this is going? I bet you’ve figured it out because that’s just the kind of person you are. I can imagine you reading this, and pausing to close your eyes and prepare yourself, because you know what’s going to happen next. I didn’t, I was out of it and so even her words saying about a swim, even that didn’t tip me off to what was about to happen, nor did her leading me, or rather dragging me over to the pond, not our pond though, a different one in the park. She dragged me over and pushed me in, it wasn’t until I hit the water that I realized what was going on. Despite the warm muggy night, the water was cold, it shocked my system and I fought against it, I screamed and shouted as loud as I could, and I tried to climb back out, but she held my shoulders and pushed me under, she would hold me under the surface for a minute or so then pull me up, just long enough for me to gasp in some air, then she’d push me down again. She carried on like this for what felt like ages, I couldn’t tell you how long it actually was, but to me it felt like hours. I wore myself out screaming and trying to get away, but I was already weakened by the exercise and lack of food in my system. I blacked out; I must have, because the next thing I remember is a kind looking woman leaning over me, she’d given me CPR. Kim was nowhere in sight, and the woman, who turned out to a nurse, who had just left her shift early because she had a headache, told me that she’d found me on the ground unconscious, so Kim must have dragged me out of the water when I lost consciousness, she must have freaked out, and ran away before checking if I was still breathing.
The nurse, Emma, she got me to the hospital and they worked on me for hours, they were worried about my heart, which is when they told me that it was permanently damaged, because it wasn’t strong enough to cope with everything that had happened that night, they were worried because of how thin I was, with bones sticking out through my skin, at first they thought I was a homeless kid, who was malnourished because I didn’t have money to eat, but then they found my driver’s license, they tracked down my parents, and it all started to make sense in their heads. I could hear the whispers, the doctors and my parents; they all seemed to think that I couldn’t hear them, simply because they’d stepped to the other side of the curtain round my bed. Tell me is there such a thing as a soundproof curtain, no? Well someone should tell the hospital staff. I mean it, please tell them.
Anyway the words were there and they hit me, it was my mother who said the word first, she spat it out like it disgusted her, Anorexic, she made it sound like a dirty word, it didn’t really surprise me that there wasn’t any concern lacing her voice, what surprised me was that they thought I had anorexia, I couldn’t! That was what my brain was telling me, because in my mind I was eating enough, in my mind I was still feeling big, or if not exactly big, I certainly didn’t feel small.
They let me out of hospital a week later, after pumping me full of sugary drips, trying to get some calories into me, and when I went home, it was under the condition that I attend weekly therapy sessions. I did. My parents made me attend, even if they didn’t appear to care about me, which is how I felt at the time, they did care about appearances, they wanted to seem like they were excellent parents, they wanted to handle their little problem, because as it turns out, being too skinny is just as bad as being too chubby. So I went to the therapy sessions, and I sat there, the entire hour I just sat there and didn’t say a word. It became so very easy to stop talking, because really nobody was listening, even in therapy the person I was meant to be talking to, who was being paid to listen, I didn’t feel like I could open up to her. The office was so impersonal, and she was cold herself, she didn’t seem interested in what was wrong with me, I guess the best way to explain it is this; she saw a symptom not a person, you on the other hand, you’ve always seen me first and then the illness I have. Thanks for that, it means a lot to be treated like a person, which is why I want so much for you to forgive me, so we can get back to that place again, back to being able to be relaxed around each other. You’re so important in my life; I don’t think you know how important you are. I don’t know what I’d do without you. What I’m trying to say, is that you’re really making a difference in my life. So thank you for being there for me, it means everything.
Chapter Sixteen
Session 9
Oliver sits silently in the chair by River’s bed, the unopened letter resting on his lap, he hasn’t looked up at her since she handed it to him, and she’s starting to feel strange.
‘Oliver, are you ok? You’re not acting like yourself.’ River reaches out to put her hand on his arm, but he pulls away and stands up, walking backwards a few steps. ‘What’s going on?’
‘Uh it’s nothing; I just have some – family stuff going on.’ He clears his throat, the lie feels heavy as he speaks it, he doesn’t want to lie to her, he hates pushing her away, but he needs to create some distance between them, and being around her each day isn’t helping him stop thinking about her. Ever since the night he left during the storm, he’d been trying to get back to a place he could control, but each time he saw her it was getting harder, he hated himself for avoiding her calls, and not replying to her texts, he hated himself for becoming so coldly professional with her, but he couldn’t risk anything else.
‘Oh, is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?’
He closes his eyes and sighs heavily, her kindness rips at him with each word, she wants to help him, but talking to her is the last thing that will help, he knows that better than anything else.
‘No I think I just need to go home.’
‘But you only just got here.’ River forces her voice to stay light.
‘I know I’m sorry,’ he risks a glance at her, it was a mistake, her eyes are wide with concern for him, and it causes his heart to quicken. ‘I really need to sort some stuff out, would it be ok if I took this home with me, I’ll read it there and we can just talk about it tomorrow, how does that sound?’
‘Oh sure, yeah I mean if you have to deal with family stuff.’ She nods slowly, they both know she isn’t buying his lie, she knows him too well for that; she knows that he’s lying about something. ‘Just call me if you need to talk.’
‘Yeah thanks.’ He offers her a weak smile, and then leaves without further goodbye.
After wandering round the city for hours Oliver finally heads home, slamming the apartment door shut behind himself, he drops his
bag and walks over to the fridge; standing there for a few minutes just staring inside, and then he slams that door shut as well, running his hands through his messy dark hair.
‘What’s wrong with you?’ Amanda asks coming out from the bathroom into the main room, a hairbrush in her hand going through her wet hair.
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ Oliver drops onto the brown leather couch, burying his head in his hands tiredly.
‘I’ll warrant a guess that this is something to do with River.’ Amanda says sitting down next to him.
‘Sis I really don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Well too bad because I’m meant to be looking out for you, and right now you look like a mess, so tell me what is going one?’
‘I’m messing everything up Amanda, she’s relying on me being there for her, but I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t seem to focus on anything anymore, because all that matters is that she’s ok.’ Oliver shakes his head, ‘I keep pushing her away, and if I keep doing it she’s going to hate me, she’ll never want to see me again, but if I keep things how they were, I don’t know that I can keep my feelings in check.’
Amanda takes in all the information that her brother just gave her, wringing her hands together trying to work out what to say. It’s what she saw coming, she knew he was getting too involved in this case, but now he was talking about his feelings, she didn’t want to risk thinking how deep they went. In her head she needed to believe he was worried about a friendship, because even a close friendship would be bad.
‘Ok Oliver I know you’re not going to like this, but maybe it’s a good thing to get some distance from her, you’ve become far too attached to her, and her to you. I wish I could say that you were just too attached to the case, but I think it’s been about more than the case for a while now. Spending some time apart might be for the best, hand the case over to somebody else. Get some distance so that you can clear your head.’
How I Got Here Page 13