‘Oliver you need to see this as a good thing, you needed space from her, so you tried to take it, and when that didn’t work you went back to her, now she’s giving you the chance to have some space, take it, because this thing with her is poison, it’s not going to do any good for anyone. I mean look at you, you’re a mess, if this is what she does to you is it really worth it?’
‘Yeah it is. She is. I won’t give up on her, she’ll come around. I need to clear my head.’ He gets up and heads to the door.
‘I really think you should stay here, calm down for a bit. Get some rest, you’ve hardly been sleeping.’
‘No I just need to get out.’ He shakes his head and leaves the apartment.
August slowly slips past, giving way to September which brings with it cool weather, and frequent rain. Oliver keeps up his daily visits to River, sitting at her side for hours on end, trying to regain her trust, but she was slipping back to the girl he’d first met, her weight started dropping again, and she hardly spoke except to ask him to leave. He’s tried everything he could think of, he apologized, he begged her to talk to him, he stayed silent hoping she’d talk, and he tried reasoning with her, but nothing worked, something had changed for her, and she was drifting away from him.
He hadn’t received a letter in weeks, when he asked her if she’d written one, she quietly told him that he shouldn’t bother with her, she was a lost cause, and he’d realized how deeply she was hurting. Over time it started to become clearer to him, she wasn’t drifting from him because of him bringing up her parents; she was pushing him away because she was scared he’d leave. For her it was safer to push him out, hide behind her walls, than it was to let him get any closer. He’d realized it from something she’d said to him; on one of the rare occasions she said anything at all. It was the last day of September and after several silent sessions; she looked him dead in the eye with such shattering distance, and said the words he’d been both longing to hear, and dreading at the same time.
‘You can’t get close to me Oliver; you need to let me go for your own sake.’ River had spoken softly, and then rolled over to face the wall. ‘You should go.’ She added and he could tell she was crying.
He’d figured it out in that moment; she was pushing him away to protect him. Somehow she must have figured out he was getting too close to her, and what that would do to his career, and she wanted to save him from that.
‘I don’t care about me, please River just don’t lock me out.’ He’d begged her, but she’d remained resolutely silent, and the next day when he arrived, feeling more tired than ever, he was informed by a doctor that he was no longer on her case, by order of River and her parents. He tried to fight the new arrangement, but in the end there was nothing he could do, he couldn’t even get into her room. He had to admit to himself the truth, however hard that was. It was over.
Chapter Seventeen
Letter 10
I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe it’s because I’ve got into the habit of writing to you, and maybe it’s because I think you deserve a goodbye. I don’t really know why, but these letters to you are a habit of mine now. I have you to thank for that, and I almost wish that I had the strength to give this to you in person, because however much I tried to write my story, not in a letter to you, not talking to you but just writing, each time it came out as if I were telling you directly, because it was easier to write it to you, than just generally write it down, it was as if I needed that contact with you. I blame you for that, because you made it so easy for me to talk to you. It hurts Oliver, to feel so close to you and have to push you away, it’s tearing me apart to let you go, or rather to push you out, because you are persistent aren’t you? You couldn’t just let me let you go; you forced me to push you away. That makes it worse, because I know that it’s hurting you as much as it’s hurting me, and I don’t want to do anything to hurt you, I’ve said that before, because I mean every word of it, and ultimately that’s why I’m pushing you away from me. It’s for the best.
I’ve made so many mistakes already in my life, and I don’t want this to be one of them, if you’d kept coming to see me, and we’d kept on getting closer it would have hurt you, it would have hurt the career you’ve worked so hard to build. I’m not naïve Oliver, I know the hospital have rules about doctor/patient relationships, and I know we were getting shockingly close to crossing the line. Perhaps I was naïve to start with, I was happy to be your friend because it felt right, and I wanted to keep talking to you because you made me feel stronger, but I’ve grown up a lot, and now I know that this is for the best, however much it might be hurting me, however much I feel like crying all the time. It really is for the best.
I want you to know something though, because you have done so much for me, and I would hate for you to think that I had slipped backwards. So I want you to know that I’m eating, the only reason I stopped again, was so that you’d think coming around each day was doing me harm, because I knew that you wouldn’t want that, and that if you saw me slip backwards, you’d do anything to help me get back to a good place again, and so when I asked for a new doctor, I knew you wouldn’t force me to keep the sessions with you, because you wouldn’t want to undo your good work. I am eating though I promise, I’m going to get better and that’s thanks to you, you’ve given me the strength I need to fight this thing. I can never thank you enough for that, but this is my way of trying to.
I’m going to keep writing letters; though after this one I won’t be sending them to you, even though I’m fairly certain they will continue to be written to you. I’ll keep them with me, because I think it’ll be easier if we have a clean break, and if I kept sending you letters, that wouldn’t help at all.
I’m going to keep writing so that I can keep working through everything, I promise I won’t give up now.
You don’t have to feel guilty about letting me down, because you haven’t and never will. You’re the reason I’m doing so well now, you’re the reason I’m fixing things with my parents. You’re everything to me; I hope that you know that.
Now I’d like you to do something for me. Forget me, I know you might hate me for saying this, and you might dispute it, but I honestly want you to forget me, just move on with your life, act like I was just a patient, one you helped heal herself, let it become a memory that you won’t access again, forget me, because I’m not worth remembering.
Thank you for everything, I mean that. I’ll always treasure the time we had together, however fleeting. It was a perfect summer, despite everything that was so messed up with me, it was perfect and I’ll always think so.
It hurts too much to say goodbye, so I’m not going to say it. Just know that I love you, and that’s why I’m letting you go. That’s the only reason I’m letting you go.
I love you,
River
Chapter Eighteen
Oliver 1
He hadn’t shaved in days, not since reading her letter, her final letter to him. He hadn’t gotten out of bed either, he was just lying there staring at the ceiling, he hadn’t showered, he was relying heavily on take-out food, refusing to eat any of Amanda’s vegan food, because it reminded him of River too much. He barely slept and it was starting to show, his eyes were red and his chin covered in stubble, from his slow growing beard. He kept her letter under his pillow, and each day he’d take it out and trace his fingers over her parting words, I love you. He didn’t want to let her go though, when he’d first read the letter, his eyes had clouded with tears, but he was determined to tell her she didn’t have to let him go, he was willing to leave the hospital, get a job somewhere else, if it meant they could have a chance. He headed straight from the office where the letter had been left, to her room, but he found it empty and it didn’t take him long to find out why, she had been discharged; her parents had signed her out because she was eating regularly, and she had agreed to give therapy another chance, and this time she would give it a real chance. He went to her apartment, bu
t all he found was that it had been rented to someone new; a neighbor of hers told him that the family had left New York, but they didn’t know where he could find them. So he returned home, relegated Amanda and Tiff to camp beds in his lounge, after Amanda refused to move out while he was like this, and then he had gone to bed. He had been there for two weeks now, but the pain was still intense, it was still as fresh as it had been the day he found out she was gone, and he didn’t care that he was being pathetic, pining over a girl he’d never really had, he couldn’t bring himself to care about anything.
‘Oliver you really need to get up, this isn’t healthy.’ Amanda comes in, making her routine daily visit into his sectioned off bedroom, to check on him. She comes in several times a day and tries to tidy up, since his room is starting to get cluttered with take-out containers, and it’s starting to smell bad, but he always just waves her away.
‘I don’t care.’ He replies keeping his eyes on the ceiling.
‘You’re acting like a teenager.’
‘I don’t care.’ He repeats, and he really means it, he can’t make himself care about anything, because without her he doesn’t make sense, not anymore. The person he was before her doesn’t exist anymore, and he’s not entirely certain what he is without her, all he knows for certain, is that he can’t seem to care about anything.
‘I don’t understand you Oliver, I know it’s hard to let her go, I know there was something between you – you were close and I get that, but she did the right thing letting you go, I have to give her credit for that, she did the mature thing stopping the sessions before you both got too attached, so explain to me why you can’t let this go, what is so special about this girl, that’s making you behave like this, shutting yourself off from everyone, what is so special about her?’ Amanda yells angrily, her brother is acting like a fool and she needs him to see that, nothing else has worked and so all she can think to do is yell.
‘She feels everything so deeply, happiness and sorrow and everything in between, with her halfhearted isn't an option, the books she reads become part of her existence, and she becomes engulfed in them, invested in the characters. The music she listens to reflects her mood, and I don’t know she just, she had a breathless quality to her, everything she says has such an impact on me, and yet at the same time she’s soft and breathlessly beautiful, she’s like a glorious summer day, intense like the sun, but effortlessly calm like the wind, just barely whispering, yet that small whisper is enough. When she reads, if it’s a part of the book she’s deeply connected to, she’ll block out everything around her, and she’ll bite her lower lip, her cheeks will become pinker, and her eyes will shine with excitement of see what happens next. She feels everything for everyone else, and she hates to see people hurt, and yet her own suffering comes second to her, always, because that’s the kind of person she is! That’s why I can’t stop thinking about her, that’s why all I want is to spend time with her, it’s not because I want to fix her, or change her, it’s because every time I’m with her I learn something new about her, I see a new part to her story, I see another little quirk or habit, like how she hugs her knees when she’s scared or upset. There isn’t a single moment I’m with her, that I imagine her as anyone else, or want to change her into someone else, because she’s intelligent and strong, and she knows me, she just completely gets me because she took the time to know me, that’s why she’s so special, that’s why I love her!’
‘What did you just say?’ Amanda’s eyes widen, shock forming on her face. In all of her imaginings, she had never imagined that things had gotten to this point; at most she expected a crush.
‘I can’t repeat all of that.’ He looks away, he knows exactly what his sister wants him to repeat, the words are spinning round his head, because until that moment, until the moment the words flew out of his mouth, he hadn’t admitted, not even to himself, that he was in love with River, and yet now, as he sits there yelling at his sister in his apartment, he knows it with such conviction, to him it didn’t matter how foolish it was, how impossible it was, all that matter was that it was there, it was so real he could almost reach out and touch it, as if his love for her had taken a physical form before him, and he could simply reach out his hand and hold it, treasure it until he could give it to her. The reality hit him hard with his sister’s next words.
‘You can’t love her, you know that don’t you?’ She looks at him, more concerned now and her previous anger slipping away, leaving only the slightest trace it had ever been there. ‘She’s eighteen and she was your patient, Oliver please just try and be sensible about this, you could lose your job, even now that she’s out of the picture, the rules at the hospital are so firm on this, that if they know you fell for a patient, you’d be fired and you know that.’
‘I’ve lost her and that’s a far higher price to pay!’
‘Oliver please this is ridiculous, what do you think could happen? Even though she feels the same way about you, do you think you could actually make it work? I know you’re young, and the age difference between the two of you really doesn’t matter, what does matter is that she has been seriously unwell; she’s been so fragile for so long. She might think she loves you, but it’s just attachment to the person who helped her. She isn’t capable of deciding if she truly loves you, and if you tell her that you love her, if you find her then it might set her back, all the progress you’ve made, because she might start hating herself for ruining your career, for getting too close to you. You said it yourself in that speech of yours; she thinks about others before she thinks about herself. So even if she does love you, do you think she’d want you to risk your career for her?’
‘No she wouldn’t.’ He resigns himself to saying it, because of that he is so incredibly certain, her letter had made that clear to him, she’d let him go for the exact purpose of saving his job, and he couldn’t let that gesture go unnoticed, he couldn’t throw his career away now, because it’s not what she would have wanted.
‘You see, and I bet she wouldn’t want you wallowing for her either.’ Amanda points out.
‘Alright I’ll go back to work tomorrow.’
‘Thank you, that’s all I wanted, a little sense from you.’ Amanda smiles, turning to leave him to one more day of wallowing, as an afterthought she turns back to him, ‘Make sure you shower first.’
Chapter Nineteen
Letter 11
Hello Oliver, it’s been a while hasn’t it? It’s October now and I haven’t written anything down in a while. I’ve been getting stronger each day, which is something that I know you’ll be proud of, and I truly am starting to believe I can get back to a good place. I’m just sorry you won’t be able to see that, after all of your input into my recovery, I feel bad that you won’t get to see me when I’m truly healthy. I hope you won’t think of me as the anorexic girl, the ill girl or anything like that. I would have liked your memory of me to be of me happy and healthy. I think I’m almost at the healthy part, of course I’ll always have the weakened heart, but I think mostly I will be healthy again soon. As for happy, that’s a whole different goal to reach, and I’m afraid I think that one is further off than healthy. I’m not unhappy, but I’m not happy either. I’m miserable almost all the time, but then there are moments when I’m content, I suppose I’ll have to work on that.
I guess since you won’t ever be seeing this letter, I can say where I am. My family and I moved to Seattle, we’ve got a lovely house on the water and it’s quite stunning. I do miss New York sometimes, or rather not New York so much as you, still I dream of New York at times and wake up with tears in my eyes, wishing I could be walking through the park with you, or even just be sitting up on our roof and be talking about something, anything. Dwelling on these things won’t do me any good though, it certainly won’t help me with the whole happy thing, so let’s get to the story, because nowadays I think it’s easier to look back than forward, and that’s not something I would have said before leaving New York.
&
nbsp; The story starts up when I was still in therapy, it must have been in the November of last year, I had been going to the therapist every week but little progress had been made, at least not with my inability to talk to people about what was going on, I could just about get out a few short answers to direct questions, but if they were questions relating to how I got here, to this point of starving myself, and leaving school and everything else, I’d clam up and offer some unrelated babbling answer. I must have driven everyone mad. I know I drove myself mad.
I was being watched though, back then I mistakenly identified it as my parents and even my brother, who was checking in all the time, finding a way of telling me how disappointing my actions were, it made me feel like no matter what I did, it was going to be the wrong thing, and I wanted to make them all proud, so I started to eat.
It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, so much harder than when you offered me the food, I don’t know why, perhaps I just wasn’t ready when my parents tried, or maybe it was because I never felt any pressure when you gave me the food, with them it always felt like they would hate me if I didn’t eat.
I could hardly stand the sight of food, but I forced myself to eat something each day, not enough calories for a regular diet, but I didn’t go days at a time without eating anymore, and of course I wasn’t going to the gym anymore. I started to regain some weight, and my parents slowly stopped watching me at mealtimes. They stopped making sure there was always someone with me when it was time to eat, they started going back to work for the entire day, leaving me to get my own food, and eat it without their eyes trained on me.
I see now what I couldn’t see before, they weren’t being cruel, they just wanted to help me, and my family has never been the kind of family for long talks, they’ve never been ones for sharing emotions and all of that, so this was their way of helping me, they were trying to protect me, by making sure I was eating and so couldn’t harm myself anymore. I was so hard on them for doing it, I think I craved what they couldn’t give me, I needed to be able to talk to them about things, but I just never could, because they didn’t know how to handle me, they couldn’t find the words to make it right. All they could offer were their actions, and I couldn’t accept that then. I do now, because I know they were going through a lot, it can’t have been easy for them, watching their only daughter fall apart like that, maybe that’s why they ignored it for so long. It even worked for a while, the system they had for watching me eating, making sure I ate something at each meal, because I had started regaining weight, and I started eating much more regularly.
How I Got Here Page 15